My journey and what to prepare yourself for...

I just joined myfitnesspal a few days ago. I lost an incredible amount of weight over the course of 2 years - 130 lbs reaching 125 lbs (I'm 5'6"). I did this by no crazy method - there was no way I was going to PAY a weight loss company to help ME lose weight. I cut calories to 1400-1500/day, I worked out - 30 mins of cardio 5 (sometimes 6) days per week plus weight training a few times per week), I began running (almost broke 2 hours - 2:02, in my first half marathon) and managed to maintain my weight for 3 years. I just was determined to keep it off and stop the yo-yo. This journey began in my early-mid 30s shortly after having my 2nd child. Just recently following a series of life stresses (crazy work, new house, death in the family, chasing kids - basically not accounting for "me" time) over a span of 4 months I gained back 15 pounds. Chips and chocolate became my drug of choice. I am determined now (and hopefully with the support of this community and my family) to loose those 15 pounds and am succeeding - I am as motivated as ever to get it off and keep it off.

But, I thought perhaps my longer journey would be able to help somebody so want to share it with you.

Growing up I was always the fat kid, fat teen. I graduated high school around 185 lbs. It was my norm that I attributed to being "big boned" . I grew up in a small town so shortly after high school I had to leave the nest to attend College. You heard of the freshman 15? Well at my highest weight in my 4 years of college I gained the freshman 100. Yup, tipping the scales at 285 (maybe more, I stopped weighing). I was the small town girl who loved food who all of a sudden had unlimited access to every bad fast food in the book. I loved to go out and drink, party and eat. It was a no win situation.

During my last year of college I reconnected with my high school sweet heart. We began dating and in less than a year he proposed. He is the only person in my life ever that I feel loved me for me. I weighed in that 280 range the day he proposed. That was it, I was going to lose weight before my wedding. Diet and exercise and 18 months later, I weighed 165 lbs on my wedding day . It was the happiest day. A week following my wedding I starting baking and cooking and making bad food choices and within a year I was up to 230 (and my husband always loved me no matter what). I had two kids and after the 2nd and we decided two was the perfect number for us, I said, that's it, this is now my time to become healthy. Being in my 30s at that time was wonderful, I no longer cared about what others thought of the way I looked, I was doing it for me (and the clothes

So over the span of two years I completely reshaped the way I thought of food - food is fuel, make good choices for your body. I also have two girls, so I really wanted to set a good example for them (and still do).

Then I started to notice the part I wasn't expecting. I like to refer to this as the Ugly Side of Weight Loss. I started to notice the comments when I hit about 160 pounds. You look good, when are you going to stop losing weight. About every 10 pounds I lost the comments would come more frequently. At first I thought it was jealousy - I was sticking to my plan and doing it on my own and they were saying these things becasue they were jealous. Comments began such as, you look sick, are you sick, you look gaunt, three people asked me if I had an eating disorder. I was taken for coffee at work by different people on two separate occaisions to "catch up" with turned into "mini interventions". A realative called my husband at work to ask about me and if I had a problem. The comments started to become almost unbearable at about 130 (which for a 5'6 frame is totally ok - normal scale I would say). At about 135 I began training for my first half marathon. It was hardcore training for 5 months - my daily calorie intake increased to over 2000 cals - I ate non stop throughout the day and I was a lean, mean, running machine. The day I ran my half I weighed 119. I knew this was too thin (which I told my husband, parents) and my plan was once the marathon was done, I was going to start weight training, build muscle and hopefully get to around 125-130. I never felt better in my life. I was strong, I was healthy, I acheived so much (especially running a half marathon). But all of a sudden I woke up and my accomplishments were unbelievably overshadowed by the negativity and I went into a depression. Becasue I was thin people felt they could say stuff too me - I was fair game becasue I was thin. And what no one tells you is when you are at 200 or 250 - "hey, your obese, loose weight or you will die" I lost friends, close relationships became distant. It was aweful - there were only two people in my life that I trusted anymore - my husband and a new friend who I was close with through the journey. I had at least two fights a week with parents (both of which are very overweight - my dad is very obese). I never told them to lose weight, the fights were always for me to gain weight. I felt completely alienated. Then there were other things beginning to happen that you would think would be flattering, but I felt just were aweful. I work in a city downtown - men were constantly and obviously started "checking me out" and making me feel super uncomfortable. All of a sudden I was being questioned about my personal life by single people I worked with for years. This upset me in two ways - I never had that before and it really made me realize how shallow people can be. I really began to stop trusting people. I was really hitting a low point. A really low day (well angry day) came when my grade four told me "so and so said you look unhealthy and you should eat". I knew that was not coming from the child, but the mother so I got on the phone and expressed my true feelings to her - maybe this was the day I decided I no longer was going to just take the comments and be a shrinking violet and it was time to fight back - I can take it (or kinda take it) but don't you dare cross my kids. I guess that is the day a little bit of my inner beotch shone through. There was no way I was going to let that mom impact my kid (oh, and this was after this mom picked my brain on how I lost weight because she wanted to lose weight). Go figure.

Something I never forgot is through all of this journey, I am a mother to two amazing girls. Being the same sex parent to my daughters, I know the extra role I play - they look up to me as a mom and a role model. I NEVER use the term - diet or lose weight with my girls - it is always get healthier or get fit to keep up with you. I never say negative things about myself around them (we all have those days), becasue I know I need to preserve their self esteem and help mold them into self assured, confident women.

So, I'm depressed, defeated, I've lost friends and then like it was meant to be something wonderful happened. My husband changed jobs which opened me up to a brand new group of friends. All of a sudden we would find ourselves at work functions and I realized I was happy and opening up again - there was none of that negativity. Then I realized that this new group of friends didn't see me as the fat-me vs the skinny-me - they just knew me as me and the person I was on the inside. We have become good friends with some of the couples and it helped me to recover from the negativity of my weight loss. It took me about a year - I guess that was the amount of time it took me to fully trust again, but I finally let those new friends in on my journey. And you know what - they didn't judge me - they lifted me (if that makes sense). I have lost friends over this, but I think that life is too short to have toxic in my life. A few of my old friends - we are healing and I hope we will get there.

So, I guess what I am saying is there are so many pluses with weight loss, feeling healthy, looking healthy, buying whatever dress you want…but there is a truly ugly and tough side to the weight loss. This was something I was not prepared for. So as you continue your journey, especially those with really big weight loss goals, I just want you to mentally prepare yourself for this. Had I known, I may have gone for counselling around the 150 mark just to help get the mental and emotional tools to prepare myself for the weight loss back lash.

I kept typing and typing and I far from included everything. If you are going through this and would like to know how to handle something or just need support, I know what it's like and I have been through it (and still do" - although I am battling those pesky 15, I am still skinny-me, so every so often I still get the comments.

Be Strong, be healthy, and remain true to the real you - the you inside.