unsupportive partner

jjay23
jjay23 Posts: 160 Member
in Motivation and Support
looking for some advice. Me and my partner always got on like a house on fire, he used to have his time for the gym and my time to do waht I wanted, we dont live together but generally ate together every night. he has just worked away for a month but even before that he has just stopped doing exercise. I started my life overhaul and ever since it seems to be a constant negative. He tells me to just eat what he eats or why do you have to be so boring and exercise, it was fine when he was going daily and only having protein shakes for dinner but when I suggest a healthy meal or a walk together he just throws his toys out the pram. We have a holiday booked for next month and I am dreading it. all i keep getting is oh i bet you will be a bore on holiday, my goal is to get to my target weight and then have a week off for holiday, its with my four year old daughter and I want to focus on playing having fun and eating ice cream.

I dont know what to do, I feel like me finally being healthy and doing something for me is wrecking our realtionship. I have talked to him but to no avail, has anyone else had this problem?

Replies

  • kitsune1989
    kitsune1989 Posts: 93 Member
    Okay not cool. This is a terrible double standard and you need to point that. If you are doing your best to be healthy and he doesn't approve does he really have your best interest at heart? My husband is very supportive and if he wasn't is tell him tough **** shut up so I can do what I need to do. its always a good thing to take care of yourself and you need to believe it. If he won't talk about it that's an issue. Relationships are built on communication. Talk talk talk, and talk some more.
  • igypsy
    igypsy Posts: 64 Member
    I'm sorry to hear this... I don't really have any advice really but it sounds as though your partner may be feeling a little insecure about his own body issues and is taking it out on you. Like your being healthy and working out just highlights how unhealthy he is at the moment.... Maybe he is stuck in a rut. Is he depressed or something? Why was he so "into" working out but now isn't - do you know what changed? Or is he maybe just taking a little time to adjust to your new lifestyle?

    I struggle on weekends/holidays because so much of my and my husband's free time revolves around delicious, high calorie foods - going out to eat, picnics, desserts etc. But I have found it easier to maybe work out a little harder to burn extra calories so that I can eat that ice cream without feeling guilty. Or I'll skip the fries at lunch because I know we're going out tonight and I want to have a few drinks... This way we can still do the things we usually do together and have a good time.

    Be kind to yourself - don't go too extreme, you don't need to completely change who you are/how you spend your time while you are on the healthy track. And you can easily go on holiday and just eat at maintenance level or something like that - you won't gain any weight and you can just enjoy yourself. You can add in hikes/walks/whatever while you're away.

    Hope that things get better there! :flowerforyou:
  • jjay23
    jjay23 Posts: 160 Member
    he has had a hard time with work etc but he has replaced the gym with pub time, If I say anything then i get the reply "you dont let me do anything" I should be able to see my freinds whenever I want. In terms of the gym he is exceptioanllly fit, he has lost muscle mass over the past few weeks and this is getting him down but he is still a muscly guy, I have treid to encourage him and tried to see what the real issue is, the reply i received today was "you need to sort out your ****" i have suggested he leave me to do that, i want support no negativity, i am not being extreme and it doesnt impact on our dinners or time spent together. I guess i will just have to see what happens. thanks lovely ladies!
  • Sqeekyjojo
    Sqeekyjojo Posts: 704 Member
    he has had a hard time with work etc but he has replaced the gym with pub time, If I say anything then i get the reply "you dont let me do anything" I should be able to see my freinds whenever I want. In terms of the gym he is exceptioanllly fit, he has lost muscle mass over the past few weeks and this is getting him down but he is still a muscly guy, I have treid to encourage him and tried to see what the real issue is, the reply i received today was "you need to sort out your ****" i have suggested he leave me to do that, i want support no negativity, i am not being extreme and it doesnt impact on our dinners or time spent together. I guess i will just have to see what happens. thanks lovely ladies!


    So....he's choosing to drink alcohol instead. And is defensive about it. And has abandoned previously enjoyed activities in favour of it. And is seeing a decline in health as a result.


    Okayyyyyyy.




    (Spoken as somebody who will regularly go out and drink with their friends)
  • jjay23
    jjay23 Posts: 160 Member
    he has had a hard time with work etc but he has replaced the gym with pub time, If I say anything then i get the reply "you dont let me do anything" I should be able to see my freinds whenever I want. In terms of the gym he is exceptioanllly fit, he has lost muscle mass over the past few weeks and this is getting him down but he is still a muscly guy, I have treid to encourage him and tried to see what the real issue is, the reply i received today was "you need to sort out your ****" i have suggested he leave me to do that, i want support no negativity, i am not being extreme and it doesnt impact on our dinners or time spent together. I guess i will just have to see what happens. thanks lovely ladies!


    So....he's choosing to drink alcohol instead. And is defensive about it. And has abandoned previously enjoyed activities in favour of it. And is seeing a decline in health as a result.


    Okayyyyyyy.




    (Spoken as somebody who will regularly go out and drink with their friends)

    i am not going to lie its a concern, I understand its a drink or two in the evening but when does it become or three or four, I would like to know what the issue is and whether I am over reacting. I just want the support. perhaps a long chat is needed this week, I am not one to tip toe round a problem or just settle if i am unhappy. we all need a release be it the gym or venting etc, i dont think drinking is the way to go!
  • geekette411
    geekette411 Posts: 154 Member
    Sometimes, people just grow apart.
  • jjay23
    jjay23 Posts: 160 Member
    Sometimes, people just grow apart.

    i have thrown this out there, we dont seem to be the same as we were before maybe this is a test that we fail and it wasnt right (hope not)
  • igypsy
    igypsy Posts: 64 Member
    Oh dear, that doesn't sound good. I don't like to stereotype but men are often bad at communicating when they are having problems (maybe that's an understatement!).

    A hard time at work... do you think he is feeling like he may lose his job? Or like he isn't financially secure? Maybe all this pressure is getting him down and making him turn to booze - and then he looks at you doing so well and he lashes out - almost resenting you for doing well while he's getting worse. Maybe he interprets your support/encouragement as criticism - maybe you shouldn't encourage him to get back into shape at all, just seeing your good results can be enough encouragement in itself!

    It really sounds like he has deeper issues here... Hanging out with his friends at the pub now and again is absolutely fine, but just as long as it isn't turning into a drinking problem ... !
  • jjay23
    jjay23 Posts: 160 Member
    Oh dear, that doesn't sound good. I don't like to stereotype but men are often bad at communicating when they are having problems (maybe that's an understatement!).

    A hard time at work... do you think he is feeling like he may lose his job? Or like he isn't financially secure? Maybe all this pressure is getting him down and making him turn to booze - and then he looks at you doing so well and he lashes out - almost resenting you for doing well while he's getting worse. Maybe he interprets your support/encouragement as criticism - maybe you shouldn't encourage him to get back into shape at all, just seeing your good results can be enough encouragement in itself!

    It really sounds like he has deeper issues here... Hanging out with his friends at the pub now and again is absolutely fine, but just as long as it isn't turning into a drinking problem ... !

    His work is seasonal so he does tend to stress, if there is a bad weather day then he cant work etc. I think i will carry on with waht I am doing, if he agrees then fine but if not ask him to keep his opinions to himself. I seem to be painting a bad picture, as a general rule he is fantastic he just seems to be in a rut and am getting tired of the conflicting messages. genuinely thanks for responding its good to get other peoples insight instead of just sitting here getting more exasperated.
  • theCarlton
    theCarlton Posts: 1,344 Member
    He's not just being unsupportive. He has decided that his lifestyle is one you should adopt. What you eat should have no bearing on his happiness. I recommend that you stop investing in this relationship. He'll either straighten himself out and come back, or he won't, in which case he'll be the best weight you lost.
  • MG_Fit
    MG_Fit Posts: 1,143 Member
    In the long run, it sounds like this is going to be detrimental to what you want in life really. If you have different perspectives on how you want to treat your body, I think that's fine if you can live with it. However if your S/O is knocking your routine, eating habits etc., that's no good. Personally I'd be pissed, and it likely would either effect my attitude towards the person or my fitness goals.

    So, if you can live with the different perspectives talk to him and ask him to cool it. If he doesn't drop him. If you cannot live with it, drop him. You're only hurting yourself.
  • mcibty
    mcibty Posts: 1,252 Member
    Sort of, but to a much lesser extent. My girlfriend was the one to start the gym, and I took it on board later, but got addicted and started seeing results, whereas she's stopped going to the gym altogether. I got a bit down about it as I wasn't allowed to talk about it ("All you talk about is gym, gym, gym, diet, diet, diet, it's so boring..."). I just made the comment that she wasn't being very supportive of a decision I had made to improve my health and the way I look. I pointed out that I felt a lot more confident and sexy and she should be grateful for those things! I also, probably rudely, pointed out that she could do with picking her health up a bit more. Since then she's been great, we've been on a run together, she tried my Insanity DVD so we could talk about it, and she's taken over all the cooking and come up with some really delicious and healthy meals for us both. As for the confidence and sexiness... She's noticed that too ;) I'm hoping it's not a phase, but I don't see how anyone can really argue when you're trying to do something for yourself that only has positive results for your body, health, mind...Everything.

    Good luck.
  • MzManiak
    MzManiak Posts: 1,361 Member
    The other day, my boyfriend hugged me as a hello and then said, damn you're losing weight... I don't like it. Well, I've only lost 4 pounds and it's not extremely noticeable, only in the tummy as I'm losing the last bit of my mommy gut. I also don't take it to extremes but I've noticed that he pushes food (whatever he is eating) at me just because he wants me to eat with him. And he always brings beer over for me... when he never used to do that before, and he knows I don't drink alcohol or soda anymore.

    But then later on that day he told me that he really is proud of me for making good changes and he likes it.

    :noway: What?? :huh:

    Either you do or you don't. I'm not following. lol Guys are daft. End of story. Either he can support you, as you've always supported him or it may be time to cut back on the dinners together. You don't necessarily need to break up, but sometimes it's best to spend a bit less time together so you can both focus on what is really important. If he's going to let what you choose to eat drive a wedge into the relationship... then a relationship wouldn't really work long term anyway.

    Good luck to you! He may just need some time to get used to it, to see that you haven't changed who you are, and that you won't push your lifestyle on to him if he doesn't want to join. :flowerforyou:
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    I think two people who love each other and truly want to be together make an effort to adapt. It's one thing to ask someone to go along with something that totally violates his or her core values. It's entirely another to simply ask that he or she be supportive of your interests. When one person not only stops making that effort but starts calling you "boring" for doing things that make you happy, the relationship needs to be re-evaluated.
  • jjay23
    jjay23 Posts: 160 Member
    Sort of, but to a much lesser extent. My girlfriend was the one to start the gym, and I took it on board later, but got addicted and started seeing results, whereas she's stopped going to the gym altogether. I got a bit down about it as I wasn't allowed to talk about it ("All you talk about is gym, gym, gym, diet, diet, diet, it's so boring..."). I just made the comment that she wasn't being very supportive of a decision I had made to improve my health and the way I look. I pointed out that I felt a lot more confident and sexy and she should be grateful for those things! I also, probably rudely, pointed out that she could do with picking her health up a bit more. Since then she's been great, we've been on a run together, she tried my Insanity DVD so we could talk about it, and she's taken over all the cooking and come up with some really delicious and healthy meals for us both. As for the confidence and sexiness... She's noticed that too ;) I'm hoping it's not a phase, but I don't see how anyone can really argue when you're trying to do something for yourself that only has positive results for your body, health, mind...Everything.

    Good luck.

    i think its the same. I am going to carry on if he doesnt support me thats his choice. i think men get their cave man on and suddenly get insecure and jeaous boo, maybe partners in general it seems lol. what a pain they are
  • Lochlyn_D
    Lochlyn_D Posts: 492 Member
    If you can't talk it out with him, or get some professional help, it might be time to seriously think about moving on. Do you really want to spend your life with someone who doesn't support you in such a simple thing as being healthy?
  • aFootballLife25
    aFootballLife25 Posts: 63 Member
    I've dealt with the same thing. Also family can be the same way. It's not because they don't WANT what's best for you, but that they don't KNOW any better. They are uninformed and don't realize what healthy really is.

    But also, honestly with a lot of people, it's jealousy. People DESPISE you for doing things that they don't have the courage and discipline to do themselves.... Lots of people like this these days.
  • Darryl4126
    Darryl4126 Posts: 267 Member
    Just to help you guys really do not like long talks about stuff when you talk make it straight to the point. If you ramble around the main issue and finally get to 10 minutes later he will not listen. Also what I do with my working out routine is do it before work at 4:30 am so I do not take time from my family and I really never talk about what I accomplish cause really I do not believe they would care. As far as the drinking and socializing after work he may be trying to feel young again he may feel trapped. So if you do not like it tell him as long as you do not do the same thing. Believe me he does not want a party girl. Thats my take on it.
  • mcibty
    mcibty Posts: 1,252 Member
    But also, honestly with a lot of people, it's jealousy. People DESPISE you for doing things that they don't have the courage and discipline to do themselves.... Lots of people like this these days.

    This.
  • Jtorres326
    Jtorres326 Posts: 157 Member
    In situations like this my response is two words "f**k off" that's it. No explanation, nothing. He says "oh you're so boring, you want to work out." You say : f**k off. He says "why don't you just eat what I'm eating" You say f**k off and keep doing what you're doing. I've gone my whole life passive and now I just have a don't give a sh** attitude for negative people. If he doesn't like it, point to the door. With men, the more direct and vulgar, the quicker they get the message.

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