Spouse not supportive

PrajnaFaux
PrajnaFaux Posts: 45
in Motivation and Support
I've been working on my food issues for the past 6 months (I have an eating disorder). I'm doing really well. I go to a recovery group, have a support network here in MFP, and my kids are totally into it. My husband says he is too, but sometimes his actions don't support that.

Like this morning. I got up and started making my eggs for breakfast and he started getting all pissy pants because I wasn't going to eat what he was going to cook (Cream of Wheat). He KNOWS I can't eat straight carbs like that, but still he gets all sulky. Even when I offered to share half with him, because I cooked enough for two meals.

Also, we have two potlucks we usually attend together once a month. This last time I ate my dinner before we went so I could stay on plan, then sat there while he stuffed his face with pasta, pizza, and garlic bread at the potluck. So yesterday I told my family I would be skipping today's luncheon because it was just too hard for me not to go crazy at a buffet. Now he's totally guilt tripping me. I've given in in the past, but I'm not doing it this time. My health and recovery is too important to me.

So what I'm wondering, is does anyone have suggestions on how I can help my husband not take my choices so personally? He feels hurt that the food he cooks "isn't good enough" for me, and that I don't want to be with him if I choose not to go to events with lots of food. I'm trying not be angry about it, but I think if I were a recovering alcoholic and didn't want to go to a party with alcohol it would be a different story. I'm really frustrated.

Replies

  • Shawshankcan
    Shawshankcan Posts: 900 Member
    If he wants to go to the pot luck and eat whatever is there, that is his prerogative.

    With that being said, however, have you sat down and talked with him about it? Try to find out what his problem is with it?
  • PrajnaFaux
    PrajnaFaux Posts: 45
    I tried, but it didn't go over very well. Personally, I think he's got some self esteem issues he needs to work on if he feels like my choosing a different breakfast is a reflection of my love for him.
  • ladylemoncurd
    ladylemoncurd Posts: 72
    It doesn't sound like he has self esteem issues to me, it sounds like he is a bit of an *kitten*. Is he an *kitten* in other ways or is it just this? You are right anyway, stick with it and recover x
  • kellykw
    kellykw Posts: 184 Member
    It doesn't sound like he has self esteem issues to me, it sounds like he is a bit of an *kitten*.
    Can't it be both? Sorry, but yeah, it sounds like he is being very selfish and narrow minded. I think you just have to be strong, and do what you need to do for YOU. It sounds like you are still being very respectful of him and probably nicer about his attitude and behavior than he really deserves, but that's what you should do when you love someone. He really should be more supportive and understanding. Maybe if you try talking to him again (and again and again) he will finally get it?

    Anyway, I'm very sorry that you aren't getting the support that you deserve from him. But please, please, keep taking care of yourself regardless of his attitude. :flowerforyou:
  • ladylemoncurd
    ladylemoncurd Posts: 72
    "but that's what you should do when you love someone" - replying to poster above

    what? Be respectful to someopne who you fear is openly trying to sbotage your recovery from an eating disorder. I don't think so at all.

    Your partner should be 100% supportive to you, not behave like a sulky toddler when you don't want the stuff he made you without asking you if you could eat it.
  • j724mecham
    j724mecham Posts: 102 Member
    I have a little bit of a similar situation. I have been logging calories, exercising, etc... My husband will occasionally exercise, but then have a LOT of sugary snacks and treats. He sometimes offers them to me, but it's just hard to curb my late night cravings when he's eating desserts and dinner leftovers. He sometimes will exercise, but he is not NEARLY as supportive as everyone on here. And I've told him such. I think the best you can do is to focus directly on YOU. Maybe as he sees you continue to lose weight and look amazing, it'll be a huge wake up call. Kind of hard to shove in pizza and burgers when you have a smokin' wife everyone is looking at.
  • CandiQueen
    CandiQueen Posts: 57
    As far as this morning with breakfast, I feel that you were in the right. He should be supportive and if that means that you need to make a separate breakfast for yourself and he knows this, then there is nothing for him to be sulking about. As far as the social functions go though, I think maybe you both could re-think some things.

    Although as your husband he should be supportive of your choices and want to help you get on track, you can't expect him not to eat what he wants as these functions because you have made the choice not to. If he wants to stuff his face with pizza at a potluck it doesn't hurt you at all and you had made the right choice eating beforehand. Very smart move.

    As far as skipping social functions all together because you are worried you will make bad food choices, I can really see why he would be irked here. Yes, you may have an eating disorder but a big part of managing food disorders is learning to function in public and on special occasions without relapsing. You can't avoid things forever. It is unrealistic to think that you should skip social functions just because there will be food there. Is it possible you can think about what might be at the buffet beforehand and plan what you will and won't let yourself have.

    Your husband needs to be supportive of what you are going through and if he cares about your health he should try to make more of an effort to try and be empathetic about what you are going through. He wants you around for a long time and needs to realize you are doing this for all the right reasons. Maybe to try to get him to be more supportive you could try and explain to him how difficult your journey has been and that you are not trying to offend him personally by the choices that you are making, you just really want to stay motivated this time and you don't want to fall off the wagon again. He might be irked by your change in behavior and your withdrawal in social situations and feel you are taking it too the extreme or too seriously. It is serious though. He may just need to feel that you are taking his feelings into account as well and there are other things that are important too, just as your responsibility as a couple to attend certain social engagements.

    He will come around I think and when he sees how much healthier and happier you are, he will be appreciative. I feel that a lot of time men are creatures of habit and don't like change. He may need time to adjust and see that you are really serious this time.
  • kellykw
    kellykw Posts: 184 Member
    "but that's what you should do when you love someone" - replying to poster above

    what? Be respectful to someopne who you fear is openly trying to sbotage your recovery from an eating disorder. I don't think so at all.

    Your partner should be 100% supportive to you, not behave like a sulky toddler when you don't want the stuff he made you without asking you if you could eat it.

    Yes, I believe you should still be respectful to the person you love even when he is behaving like a child. I didn't say she shouldn't address the problem or put up with his attitude.

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