Driving Myself A Little Crazy...
Moxie42
Posts: 1,400 Member
Okay, I've been on MFP long enough to know I'm going to get some snarky comments on this one but here we go anyway...
My fiance started losing weight, completely by accident, because of a huge increase of activity related to his job. He's been eating mostly healthy too, though he gets away with massive cheat days without any consequence. He has lost 60 lbs pretty quickly. I really am happy for him- I even teared up the first time he said "I'm not fat anymore." Of course I had the common feelings of being frustrated because it has been SO easy for him, and SO hard for me. But I've tried not to let that get to me.
Now he weighs 5 lbs less than my starting weight and only weighs 20 lbs more than my current weight (he's 4 inches taller). Sometimes he gets so busy, he doesn't eat, and I worry that sometimes he does it on purpose (telling me he "had lunch" but then I find out it was a handful of crackers or something)...but then he'll splurge on Carls Jr and a huge thing of frozen yogurt...and then I think he's NOT doing it on purpose. I've suggested he try eating full but healthy meals every day so he's not going back-and-forth between starving and overeating junk, but he seems to think it's fine and he insists it's not intentional.
Almost every day he tells me how excited he is about fitting into old clothes and stuff like that, which he has EVERY right to do! I'm even glad he does because I love to see him so happy. He should be proud of himself, and he is, but I can't help feeling like a fat failure in comparison. I try to hide my feelings though because I know the issue is all in my head and I want to be supportive. Every once in a while he'll say something like "I only lost 10 lbs last month" (thinking that would make me feel better), or he'll say he knows he isn't fat but "feels" fat- it's not often but when he DOES say that, I worry about him AND I feel worse about myself because I'm thinking "if you think you're fat at 190, then what did you realllly think of me when I was 195 and what do you think of me now?" I know he loves me no matter what but I still feel so discouraged sometimes.
I know I should just be happy for him and not feel bad, and that comparing myself to others is the worst thing I can do, but after months of this struggle I can't seem to shake this feeling. It's at the point where I feel guilty for eating anything (even though I still overdo it too often), and I feel desperate to lose weight now, and fast. I know it's messed up, and it's embarrassing to admit, but I don't know what to do. Plus I don't know if I should be worried about him or not. The combination of worry and unintentionally self-inflicted pressure is driving me crazy!
Anyway, I'd love some honest opinions. Should I be worried? And how do I get out of my head?
My fiance started losing weight, completely by accident, because of a huge increase of activity related to his job. He's been eating mostly healthy too, though he gets away with massive cheat days without any consequence. He has lost 60 lbs pretty quickly. I really am happy for him- I even teared up the first time he said "I'm not fat anymore." Of course I had the common feelings of being frustrated because it has been SO easy for him, and SO hard for me. But I've tried not to let that get to me.
Now he weighs 5 lbs less than my starting weight and only weighs 20 lbs more than my current weight (he's 4 inches taller). Sometimes he gets so busy, he doesn't eat, and I worry that sometimes he does it on purpose (telling me he "had lunch" but then I find out it was a handful of crackers or something)...but then he'll splurge on Carls Jr and a huge thing of frozen yogurt...and then I think he's NOT doing it on purpose. I've suggested he try eating full but healthy meals every day so he's not going back-and-forth between starving and overeating junk, but he seems to think it's fine and he insists it's not intentional.
Almost every day he tells me how excited he is about fitting into old clothes and stuff like that, which he has EVERY right to do! I'm even glad he does because I love to see him so happy. He should be proud of himself, and he is, but I can't help feeling like a fat failure in comparison. I try to hide my feelings though because I know the issue is all in my head and I want to be supportive. Every once in a while he'll say something like "I only lost 10 lbs last month" (thinking that would make me feel better), or he'll say he knows he isn't fat but "feels" fat- it's not often but when he DOES say that, I worry about him AND I feel worse about myself because I'm thinking "if you think you're fat at 190, then what did you realllly think of me when I was 195 and what do you think of me now?" I know he loves me no matter what but I still feel so discouraged sometimes.
I know I should just be happy for him and not feel bad, and that comparing myself to others is the worst thing I can do, but after months of this struggle I can't seem to shake this feeling. It's at the point where I feel guilty for eating anything (even though I still overdo it too often), and I feel desperate to lose weight now, and fast. I know it's messed up, and it's embarrassing to admit, but I don't know what to do. Plus I don't know if I should be worried about him or not. The combination of worry and unintentionally self-inflicted pressure is driving me crazy!
Anyway, I'd love some honest opinions. Should I be worried? And how do I get out of my head?
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Replies
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Sorry this post is sooooo long...0
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I know what you mean. 8 months after I joined MFP, my sister did, and my best friend. They have both since reached their goal weight, and I still have about 15 pounds to go. It is very frustrating, but I've had to stop comparing myself to them, I can only look at how far I've come, and use them as an inspiration to reach my goals. It may take me longer, but I'll get there!0
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I don't have any profound advice, but I appreciate the tone of this post. You're not putting him down at all, and you are happy for him, you're just struggling with the very human reaction of comparison.
He isn't you, though, and you aren't him. The sooner you actually believe that, the easier it will be for you.0 -
Moxie - first off....give yourself a pat on the back for being here.
Now, I can very much appreciate how you worry about your fiance and his health but you are right...you are driving yourself crazy. He is his own man and can take care of himself. Let him worry about his health, weight, what he eats, etc.... Focus on you for now. We have a tendency to want to make everything all good for those we love around us but sometimes we just have to let them be. This sounds to be the case to me. Let him take care of himself right now.
Focus on yourself and what you want to do to improve your health. This journey is hard enough without adding the responsibility of his onto it. Do something for yourself each day whether it is exercise or not eating that "bad" food you shouldn't or read a book, anything that is for you. You can do it!0 -
You are not a guy. You are not going to be a guy. It is so much easier for us.
I know that is not much solace. But, sometimes we just have to accept things. I am bald. Gosh darn it ! So, I cut my hair super short. I could try to comb over. But it would never look good and I would drive myself crazy trying to deny what is. Instead, I accept it. Then I can move on.0 -
Is he trying to sabotage you by trying to get you to eat Carl Jrs and the frozen yogurt? I know some people like to keep their partner "fat" to make themselves look good and feel better about themselves. If that's not the case, just try to accept the fact that its much easier for him and that you will have to keep working at it. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone is different in how they lose weight.
I know it is very frustrating but keep at it, you will get there too!0 -
Don't beat yourself up. I watched my boyfriend do the same thing. 35lbs gone in a few months of not eating like a crazed animal and working out, and it fell off him. I can't give 10lbs away. Last post was right- you just aren't a guy. But you are doing the best you can. That's what counts.0
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You do need to get out of your head:flowerforyou:
Start comparing YOU to you and celebrate your successes
do you lift?
i love when i add 5 pounds to the bar...i feel like a badass!
do you measure? I HIGHLY recommend taking measurements...they can say SO much more than the scale...there have been months when the scale didnt move, yet my waist went down an inch.
make a chart...see PROOF of yourself changing
take pictures every 4 weeks.
did i mention lifting? it has been life and body changing for me.
I look forward to it every...single...time
just me and the bar...BRING IT.0 -
Thank you guys sooooo much! It really helps to know that there other people who understand and have dealt with feeling that way (and of course I feel guilty for feeling that way which just adds to the craziness!) Logically, I know others have gone through it but it's really comforting to actual hear people's stories. I'm really going to try to just use his success as motivation to keep going and as a reminder that yes- it IS possible! If he can do it, I can do it- it just takes longer. I just need to be okay with that...it'll take time but it helps to know it's not me and that it is a normal auto-response- it's just one I need to get a handle of.
Thankfully he's very supportive. Sometimes he suggests we order a pizza or something but if I say no, he'll opt for something healthy with me. Usually I find out about his "junk food binges" by coming home to empty fast food bags and containers!
You guys are awesome :flowerforyou:0 -
I can relate, my husband started his diet plan after me and has gotten faster results. Two reasons. 1) he's a man. 2) he was closer to perfect to begin with. (honestly I really actually thought he was perfect to begin with until i watched the transformation of him perfecting himself even more).
At first I actually had some pretty negative reactions since he chose a diet plan I had already rejected, and I felt like he was stealing my thunder. As he has corrected some health issues with his eating plan I can also relate to how happy for your husband you are, I'm happy for mine now too. Try not to worry about him. That might be easier for me since we are on separate plans we are like in different worlds almost there is little comparison. If there were a real problem, there would be no question. It would be obvious and blatant. He's just changing as are you. Take your own time, compete with only yourself and feel no shame i the fact that you might need different methods or tactics. For the psychology of two people changing at once, might I reccomend a recent episode of extreme makeover weight loss edition. The one with the twins? They aren't a married couple but for me it made it blatantly obvious how two people should operate in separate spheres while working on what might seem like similar but are essentially different goals. One being weight loss for a man. The other being weight loss for a woman. Different thinking, different monthly schedules, different moods, different rates of loss. Just different.0 -
Being completely honest here, it sounds like he's stumbled across a very important "secret." Weight loss has nothing to do with the food you eat and everything to do with how much you eat. Yes, what you eat matters to health (and body composition) but it really doesn't have anything to do with weight loss (at least until you are already lean and trying to get off the last few pounds). I say this only so you don't "punish" yourself by eating bland food all the time and make yourself miserable doing that, which it sounds like you may be doing at least once in a while.
I agree with the other posters though that you can't compare yourself to your husband. My wife and I have both been overweight and we both have been through the diet comparisons. She lost her weight first by walking everywhere she possibly could. I caught up to her much later. We found ourselves at peace with each other as far as our diets are concerned when we agreed that we would neither compare ourselves to each other nor necessarily eat the same things. We now cycle through periods of bulking and cutting, and they don't necessarily align. She will often eat pizza and Chinese food while I'm eating my chicken breast and broccoli and visa versa. We let each other bask in the other's success and don't comment on each other's choices.0 -
Steal his job and start eating Carls Jr.0
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Is he trying to sabotage you by trying to get you to eat Carl Jrs and the frozen yogurt? I know some people like to keep their partner "fat" to make themselves look good and feel better about themselves. If that's not the case, just try to accept the fact that its much easier for him and that you will have to keep working at it. There's nothing wrong with that. Everyone is different in how they lose weight.
I know it is very frustrating but keep at it, you will get there too!
Did you even read the thread or are you so insecure, frustrated and angry with your own personal life failure that you must slap that same thing onto others? This isn't an attack on you, just an observation. Please, talk to people. Talk to me if you must. Maybe I can help.
@OP: You are a ray of sunshine. I absolutely adore you and your story. I know you weren't trying to be but it came off that way. I hope you feel better about yourself. He sounds like a good man and you sound like an amazing woman. One tip though as a man, if you start questioning yourself, or worst, him, about why he's with you, then one day he might question that himself. Just enjoy the time and don't worry. I know easier said but please try
:flowerforyou:0 -
You do need to get out of your head:flowerforyou:
Start comparing YOU to you and celebrate your successes
do you lift?
i love when i add 5 pounds to the bar...i feel like a badass!
do you measure? I HIGHLY recommend taking measurements...they can say SO much more than the scale...there have been months when the scale didnt move, yet my waist went down an inch.
make a chart...see PROOF of yourself changing
take pictures every 4 weeks.
did i mention lifting? it has been life and body changing for me.
I look forward to it every...single...time
just me and the bar...BRING IT.
I started Curves in March so it's strength for toning (hydraulic machines for resistance- the harder you push it, the harder it is to do), as well as cardio for fat loss. Basically, it's a type of interval training. I had lost 15 at that point and have lost another 10 since (which really isn't bad, I know). Weigh-ins are weekly and measurements are monthly. Taking pictures is a great idea- I haven't done that which is probably one reason I have trouble seeing my progress.0 -
My SO has a physically demanding job, eats between 3,000 and 5,000 calories a day (including liters of pepsi and quart sized milkshakes) and still weighs in at 6'5" and 190lbs. Am I jealous? Heck ya! But, I remind myself that I wouldn't want to be 6'5 and digging window wells all day. He skips lunch sometimes too, especially if it is hot out. He just doesn't need to eat every few hours like I do. That`s okay too. Men are blessed with more calorie burning muscle mass. My only suggestion is to try and build more for yourself. It doesn`t sound to me like he has an eating disorder.0
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I'm sorry that you feel the way you do. I don't know what to say to that, so I will leave that to others to respond to.
As far as your husband, no you don't need to worry. A lot of people eat that way. Also when he says he feels fat. It may be that his mind has not caught up fully with the changes and he is saying he still feels like he did when he was heavier. Also, he is setting goals and it's normal to sometimes look at our own selves in a more critical and different way than other people see us and to be eager to reach goals, or to worry that weight will be re-gained. And we would never look at another person that way (it wouldn't even be possible).0 -
Your feeling jealous. We all lose at different rates, using different ways. Men will ALWAYS lose weight easier than most women. You can thank god for that one.0
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OP, sorry for the double post, but two things I forgot:
(1) I love that you appear to have a solid relationship with your husband and are supportive. It's truly wonderful to see.
(2) When he comments about being fat, he is very likely ONLY talking about himself. Many men (not all) are really bad about seeing how our self criticism comes off to others, and particularly how calling ourselves fat can sound to our wives. I know this is a bit of a stereotype but men, in general, just are not as verbally aware as women and we are far more direct, blunt, whatever you want to call it.0 -
I started Curves in March so it's strength for toning (hydraulic machines for resistance- the harder you push it, the harder it is to do), as well as cardio for fat loss. Basically, it's a type of interval training. I had lost 15 at that point and have lost another 10 since (which really isn't bad, I know). Weigh-ins are weekly and measurements are monthly. Taking pictures is a great idea- I haven't done that which is probably one reason I have trouble seeing my progress.
Keep up with the resistance training and build underlying strength. That will help with your esteem as well as your physical appearance. Sometimes the accomplishment of strength training, adding more weight, getting stronger, is just as important as how you feel about yourself as losing the weight.
I love that the two of you respect each other and show each other support no matter what. As far as advice, just keep moving forward. It might take you longer to get there because you don't have a job that instantly puts you in the "active" category, like what happened with him. But you will get there.0 -
OP, sorry for the double post, but two things I forgot:
(1) I love that you appear to have a solid relationship with your husband and are supportive. It's truly wonderful to see.
(2) When he comments about being fat, he is very likely ONLY talking about himself. Many men (not all) are really bad about seeing how our self criticism comes off to others, and particularly how calling ourselves fat can sound to our wives. I know this is a bit of a stereotype but men, in general, just are not as verbally aware as women and we are far more direct, blunt, whatever you want to call it.
QFT. I had gained 80 pounds and my husband didn't see me as any different from when we started dating. He could not believe I had put on that much weight, even taking a long look at me after I had told him the numbers.0 -
Thanks again you guys! I really appreciate the feedback from both men and women. I actually feel quite a bit better- I think I needed some perspective. And the advice is great too- I'm definitely planning on keeping up with Curves- I love their program and it's been working. That's what I need to remind myself- regardless of what anyone else is or isn't doing, it IS working!
And yes, I'm very lucky to have such a great guy 0 -
OP, sorry for the double post, but two things I forgot:
(1) I love that you appear to have a solid relationship with your husband and are supportive. It's truly wonderful to see.
(2) When he comments about being fat, he is very likely ONLY talking about himself. Many men (not all) are really bad about seeing how our self criticism comes off to others, and particularly how calling ourselves fat can sound to our wives. I know this is a bit of a stereotype but men, in general, just are not as verbally aware as women and we are far more direct, blunt, whatever you want to call it.
I'm glad that a man said this! I was going to reply that most of us are far more critical of ourselves than we are of our loved ones--I expect far more of myself than I do of those around, typically. But I also think it would be legit for you to find a way to help him understand that sometimes, whether rightly or wrongly, you apply his self-criticism to yourself. It really doesn't sound like that's what he is intending, and ultimately you are the one who is in control of your reactions, but good communication about unintended consequences is kind of necessary in long term relationships. YMMV.
Also, it sounds like you are making awesome progress! Don't let that get lost in the shuffle.0 -
Also do you have a food scale?
I was shocked when I started weighing EVERYTHING.
Instead of measuring peanut butter by the tablespoon, weigh it in grams! little changes like this will make your food diary more accurate.
Same thing with cereal!!! measuring by the cup allows for a lot of error...look at the serving, and it will usually tell you the grams also
I even weigh my protein powder now.
I sound obsessive, but trust me i also allow for treats, but make sure i get 100 to 125g of protein etc.
good luck.
OH!
and try not to worry about things you cannot control. Take what you CAN change and DO IT.0 -
My wife at one point told me...."I'm so proud of you for the weight you have lost, but when you bring it up, I feel bad because I haven't had as much success"...
All of us are genuinely excited when we lose weight, and we like to share that excitement with those around us. We rarely think about the other person "not" having the same success and what that might trigger for them.
So I don't really talk about it anymore, unless she asks.0 -
Oh wow. This post had me in tears. While I don't have a significant other, I understand how you feel. My dad and brother both dropped weight like it was nothing. My dad "just stopping eating like an idiot" (his words, not mine) and lost like 70 pounds. They both tried to be encouraging of my weight loss goals, but unfortunately, it just increased my frustration and feelings of failure to the point where I stopped even trying for quite awhile. DON'T DO WHAT I DID!
I won't give martial advise, but I can understand how difficult it is for you to hear him talk about being "fat" while you are busting tails to meet your goals. You don't want him to stop sharing his feelings, but at the same time, you should not have to suffer in silence when his comments hurt you (however unintentional on his part). Maybe you can find a gentle way to let him know that when he says those things, it is hard on you.
All that being said, you should be proud of yourself. I am amazed at your attitude and how happy you truly are for his success. I aspire to be that generous of spirit. Good for you. Sounds to me like your hubby has a wonderful wife! Be proud of that as well as your weight loss and improved health.0
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