Elderly Parents

Please, enlist some help before the situation becomes worse!

Most areas have some kind of elder services bureau where you can find out about the possibilities of having trained care aids come in and give you a break. There is no reason to try and do it all yourself when there is help available!

Yes--it used to be mostly my mother, but now both are in need of assistance---plus DH's mother. I also have a multiply handicapped child who is with me 24/7. The hardest part is when one needs something that conflicts with the needs of the other---trying to balance it all can be very trying.

There are also caregiver support groups everywhere! I would suggest checking into that as well. You'll find that the health community is very sympathetic to the plight of the caregiver - there's a growing concern for caregivers today!! After all, they are helping to keep loved ones out of nursing homes if possible.

My point of view you may appoint a proper care giver who gives in home health care service and caregiver provides personal proper care services such as assistance with daily life activities.

Oh boy can I relate, although my mother passed away last year - July 7th will be the anniversary. My mother had Dementia and she was BAD! We tried home care and she would attack the aides. She was in and out of geriatric psychiatry hospitals for six months, mostly in. We thought we would never find a place for her (she had been kicked out of two). I was working full time, going to school at night for my doctorate and I was my mother's power of attorney, both medical and durable. While this was all going on I had to sell her home so we would have the money to place her. The stress is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!! BUT, you get through it. After my mother was finally placed and in more steady, I still couldn't relax. I finished with school but I still needed time to help her. It took me an hour to get to her with no traffic, but very often it took over two hours each way. I asked, no begged for flex time at work so I could work nine days on, tenth day off so I could deal with things, and repeatedly I was turned down. I gave them five months to make a decision and if the answer was no then I was leaving. Guess what? I left. Guess what their reaction was? THEY WERE SURPRISED, they never thought I would do it. They actually thought my mother wasn't as bad as I said. She died less than seven months after I left. I luckily got a part time job, but the stress of making so little money and my mother deteriorating was AWFUL. It's the type of thing that's so hard to explain, unless it is to someone who has been through it or is going through it. I miss my mother every single day, even though I complained about the stress all the time.

I found group support groups didn't help me at all. I got my support from Alzconnected.org, which is the Alzheimer's Association site, the message boards there saved me, I was on them for years.

The first years of my mother's illness I lost a ton of weight because I was so busy all the time, still shocked about everything and I had no appetite. I LOST WEIGHT! Of course stress weight isn't real, and I gained everything back plus more. The past year I have tried on and off and for the past almost month I think I'm finally ready to take this seriously. Illness runs in my family. I don't want Diabetes, high blood pressure, Dementia, etc... I am in control now.

Do you have power of attorney? Are you by any chance joint on her accounts? You need to get the paperwork in order ASAP, and know that she might (and probably will) fight you. Get in touch with a good elder law attorney.

I saw that you are from New Jersey. Are you anywhere near a Potomac Homes? I had my mother placed in one, it was a lifesaver. Perfect? No, but excellent none the less. I know they do respite care. They are residential homes as opposed to assisted living places or nursing homes. Everyone has their own bedroom. It's a house. It's also expensive (for placement), yet cheaper than a big assisted living place or nursing home. We were lucky that we sold my mother's apartment in NYC so we were able to afford to pay for her placement. Money goes fast. Money goes REALLY fast. The fear of running out is a whole added major stress because my mother's placement was private pay only.

I didn't mean to ramble, but I truly understand your stress.

Please, take a vacation. You will benefit, your parents will benefit. Overseas if possible, so you're not easily accessible. If you don't get adequate chill out time, you will start to hate your parents.