Elderly Parents
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dmdegrassi
Posts: 151
Anyone else have stress related to the care of elderly parents? I am soooo stressed and need a VACATION!!!
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Replies
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Is there a possibilty of sharing those dutys or call in some help by paying, so you get time off every now and then?0
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Please, enlist some help before the situation becomes worse!
Most areas have some kind of elder services bureau where you can find out about the possibilities of having trained care aids come in and give you a break. There is no reason to try and do it all yourself when there is help available!0 -
I understand. My mom is 81 year old. I have been her caretaker for a long time...............when my father died she was 59 and she became my sole responsibility. I have domestic help........but it is the emotional stress that wears you out. I have not been on a vacation for a long time.0
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Yes--it used to be mostly my mother, but now both are in need of assistance---plus DH's mother. I also have a multiply handicapped child who is with me 24/7. The hardest part is when one needs something that conflicts with the needs of the other---trying to balance it all can be very trying.0
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Unbelievably apropos for me today! We just bought a house with my mother in mind. She is almost 92 and has severe dementia. I am her only child so the responsibility for her falls on my shoulders. We are days away from bringing her to live with us (which I know will create a host of other issues) when I got the call yesterday morning that she had fallen and broken her femur! So, yesterday was spent in the hospital trying to keep her calm as she doesn't understand all that is going on and can't remember that she broke her leg. Today I have the final walk through for our new house - and this is being done while she is scheduled for surgery. Tomorrow we have the closing on the house and then I will be running to stay with Mum for a bit. Now, the new house is in Manchester, New Hampshire and my Mum is in the Metrowest section of Massachusetts! Lots of stress there! So I totally "get" what you're talking about. We took care of my mother-in-law for 3 1/2 years before she passed away and she had Alzheimer's and was so nasty to us so my Mum, even though there will be a lot of repetitive conversation, will be so much easier as she tries to be very independent. I can put a Swiffer in her hands and she'll keep herself busy for a long time dusting for me! My MIL was above all that and gave up walking just to tick us off!
Seriously, seek help from the community - even to have people come in to visit with her as in home health aides. This is now a huge business as more and more elderly live longer lives. Thankfully, I will be near two of my children and they will be helpful in taking care of their Nana. I plan to do this one so differently. I was totally cut off while taking care of my MIL and never could leave the house. I'm armed with knowledge now and plan to take advantage of every perk at my disposal!!
Good luck - don't let this get you down!0 -
There are also caregiver support groups everywhere! I would suggest checking into that as well. You'll find that the health community is very sympathetic to the plight of the caregiver - there's a growing concern for caregivers today!! After all, they are helping to keep loved ones out of nursing homes if possible.0
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I understand. My mom is 81 year old. I have been her caretaker for a long time...............when my father died she was 59 and she became my sole responsibility. I have domestic help........but it is the emotional stress that wears you out. I have not been on a vacation for a long time.
You are soooo right about the emotional stress. Physically I am handling things fine. Mentally...not so much.0 -
Yes--it used to be mostly my mother, but now both are in need of assistance---plus DH's mother. I also have a multiply handicapped child who is with me 24/7. The hardest part is when one needs something that conflicts with the needs of the other---trying to balance it all can be very trying.
I was dealing with both mom and dad until February when dad passed. You sound like you're spread pretty thin. How do you take care of you?!0 -
I'm with you all. My 91 and 92 year old parents require much support. Fortunately they live two blocks from my house. I've been able to access the city's senior home delivered meals so I'm not cooking all the time for my house and their house, my dad's PCP comes to the house (VA home based program that not many know about), they have a case manager from the city who is very knowledgeable and helped us secure a new ramp from the VA (at no cost), and we pay for a senior case manager who I can call when I need info about a resource.
It's a labor of love, but it's exhausting. We need to take care of ourselves so we can care for them.0 -
I've been handling issues with mom and dad since 2004. The first four years were spent rushing from New Jersey back to Chicago every time something went wrong. In 2008 both dad's Alzheimers and mom's COPD hit an all time high and I had to bring them back to NJ to stay with me for a bit until things stabilized. They stayed the summer and went back home for the winter. Then in spring/summer of 2009 everything went haywire again and they came to live with me permanently.
I work full-time and we have had caretakers, but mom tends to scare them all off. She can be a real pain in the you know what! Dad went into a nursing home in 2010, I had to clear out and sell their home, and apply for Medicaid for dad. Dad passed in February. Mom has since become needier than ever emotionally.
Unfortunately we don't have a lot of money to pay for extra help and mom is being extremely tight with her money. We just learned that she does not qualify for the state-provided caregiver because she has too much money in the bank. Yet she won't part with it to pay somebody decent to be here.
I have a brother but he lives in South Dakota, has a b**ch for a wife and 4 kids and uses whatever he can as an excuse to not help, and always has.
My hubby and I haven't had a real vacation in seven years and I so want to do a crosscountry trip since my daughter and soninlaw just bought a home in Seattle and my other daughter is participating in roller derby in Chicago and I'd like to see them both!!!
Well, time for bed here... I have a slew of phone calls to make tomorrow because I am trying to get her a spot in assisted living for two weeks so we can escape!!!0 -
Yes--it used to be mostly my mother, but now both are in need of assistance---plus DH's mother. I also have a multiply handicapped child who is with me 24/7. The hardest part is when one needs something that conflicts with the needs of the other---trying to balance it all can be very trying.
I was dealing with both mom and dad until February when dad passed. You sound like you're spread pretty thin. How do you take care of you?!
Thank you for asking. I've learned not to wait for a big chunk of free time to come my way, because it just doesn't happen. I no longer try to plan even a day-long getaway, because it always leads to disappointment. So I try to find moments in the day when I can savor the moment---even if it's nothing more than sitting down, putting my feet up, and having a cup of tea. One thing I do, which is probably not the healthiest coping strategy, is stay up late after everyone has gone to bed just to have some time alone. I think that trying to eat properly and get some exercise helps to cope with all the demands; unfortunately, all the demands sometimes make it hard to do the former. I just do the best I can and enjoy whatever success I have.0 -
My point of view you may appoint a proper care giver who gives in home health care service and caregiver provides personal proper care services such as assistance with daily life activities.0
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Check into respite care with Medicare if your parents are on it. May pay for a few days respite care at a long term care facility every so often if you are a primary caregiver.0
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My point of view you may appoint a proper care giver who gives in home health care service and caregiver provides personal proper care services such as assistance with daily life activities.
We have had several caregivers in our home. Mom can be a pain in the behind and usually ends up pissing them off so they quit. I have gone through agencies, websites, newspaper ads, and friends' referrals.0 -
Check into respite care with Medicare if your parents are on it. May pay for a few days respite care at a long term care facility every so often if you are a primary caregiver.
We filled out all the paperwork for respite care, but mom has too many "liquid" assets and doesn't qualify. She doesn't want to spend her money on care, which is literally making me crazy! We are visiting an assisted living facility on Monday because my husband and I are planning our first vacation in 7 years and mom doesn't want to stay home alone. All I can say is she had better approve this place because I plan to go on vacation this year! I would like to know that she is comfortable and feeling safe, but to be honest I'm soooo at the end of my rope, that I'm starting to not give a **** what she thinks. I'm sorry that I'm sounding this way (*****y that is), but my mom is a manipulator...big time!0 -
Oh boy can I relate, although my mother passed away last year - July 7th will be the anniversary. My mother had Dementia and she was BAD! We tried home care and she would attack the aides. She was in and out of geriatric psychiatry hospitals for six months, mostly in. We thought we would never find a place for her (she had been kicked out of two). I was working full time, going to school at night for my doctorate and I was my mother's power of attorney, both medical and durable. While this was all going on I had to sell her home so we would have the money to place her. The stress is HORRIBLE!!!!!!!!! BUT, you get through it. After my mother was finally placed and in more steady, I still couldn't relax. I finished with school but I still needed time to help her. It took me an hour to get to her with no traffic, but very often it took over two hours each way. I asked, no begged for flex time at work so I could work nine days on, tenth day off so I could deal with things, and repeatedly I was turned down. I gave them five months to make a decision and if the answer was no then I was leaving. Guess what? I left. Guess what their reaction was? THEY WERE SURPRISED, they never thought I would do it. They actually thought my mother wasn't as bad as I said. She died less than seven months after I left. I luckily got a part time job, but the stress of making so little money and my mother deteriorating was AWFUL. It's the type of thing that's so hard to explain, unless it is to someone who has been through it or is going through it. I miss my mother every single day, even though I complained about the stress all the time.
I found group support groups didn't help me at all. I got my support from Alzconnected.org, which is the Alzheimer's Association site, the message boards there saved me, I was on them for years.
The first years of my mother's illness I lost a ton of weight because I was so busy all the time, still shocked about everything and I had no appetite. I LOST WEIGHT! Of course stress weight isn't real, and I gained everything back plus more. The past year I have tried on and off and for the past almost month I think I'm finally ready to take this seriously. Illness runs in my family. I don't want Diabetes, high blood pressure, Dementia, etc... I am in control now.
Do you have power of attorney? Are you by any chance joint on her accounts? You need to get the paperwork in order ASAP, and know that she might (and probably will) fight you. Get in touch with a good elder law attorney.
I saw that you are from New Jersey. Are you anywhere near a Potomac Homes? I had my mother placed in one, it was a lifesaver. Perfect? No, but excellent none the less. I know they do respite care. They are residential homes as opposed to assisted living places or nursing homes. Everyone has their own bedroom. It's a house. It's also expensive (for placement), yet cheaper than a big assisted living place or nursing home. We were lucky that we sold my mother's apartment in NYC so we were able to afford to pay for her placement. Money goes fast. Money goes REALLY fast. The fear of running out is a whole added major stress because my mother's placement was private pay only.
I didn't mean to ramble, but I truly understand your stress.0 -
Oh yeah....just left my elderly father and I have an elderly mother in law that would drive yo bleeping nuts! One thing I have learned is that you have to take time for yourself or they can completely take over your life. Its tough and I sympathize with you. Good luck.0
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Please, take a vacation. You will benefit, your parents will benefit. Overseas if possible, so you're not easily accessible. If you don't get adequate chill out time, you will start to hate your parents.0
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Yes I understand my granny also act look like. but you can tell your mom that home health caregiver help people stay individually in their own houses. relieving your pressure and protecting you.0
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