Lose motivation as soon as someone pushes you?

tmccarl2 · June 2013

Does anybody else lose motivation to stick to a fitness regime as soon as their husband/wife starts pushing them to do it? I recovered from being anorexic about 4 years ago so it has affected my entire attitude towards losing weight. I no longer have nor want to have bad habits, but just my emotions about food/excercise etc. have been permantly affected it seems. Last year I was 175ish llbs and got down to about 128. Then my husband started pushing me more and more to do it and I collapsed into cheat eating, mcdonalds, cakes, just a bad diet. That started in about Sept and Im now 168ish pounds again! And his prodding is worse than ever, several times in my bad period I have gotten extreme motivation and started losing weight over again for a few weeks- only to lose motivation when my husband insists on knowing my weight or changing my plan (he is a personal trainer). Every time he talks about making a plan for me it sparks an anger, I HATE feeling controlled...the plans he tries to make for me are great and I would do them..if I came to the conclusion of doing them myself. Ive told him about my fear of becoming obssessed again, about just wanting a NEUTRAL lifestyle, where Im conscious about what and how much Im eating/excercising and having a general plan but NOT counting and planning every single macro(carb fat protein) of every meal and day of excercise. My husband is also a bodybuilder so his outlook is a little different. In his sport you need to do what I would call "obsess" to reach his specific goals, which is fine for him, he has no disordered thinking patterns and its part of his sport, but he doesnt understand that it isnt the same for me. Ive tried explaining it all to him but all he says is that I will be fine and he will be in control to make sure I dont over obssess etc, when control is the exact thing I cant stand someone else having over me. He thinks a little obsession is neded to make sure I reach the goals, which may be true but I want it to me on MY terms not someone elses. He thinks that I cant be in control because when I am I will just keep gaining more weight but the only reason I have is because it was an uncontrollable rebellion to his control, because if I tried to lose weight he wants my weights and to figure out what/how much I should be eating. I know how important it is for him to be able to be attracted to me but I know that as soon as I am more attractive I will be so bitter that I wont even want him to touch me anymore
Has anybody else experienced anything similar?

yarmiah · June 2013

Know that at the end of the day, that you are doing this FOR YOU, and by you! Tell him that while you appreciate his offer to help, his methods of motivation are having the opposite effect.

Try to focus not so much on the numbers and how much "weight" you want to lose, but more on getting healthy.

My husband was almost "antimotivation" insisting that I looked fine to him the way I was. But I didn't like what I saw in the mirror, and having lost my parents who died a bit too young, I knew my main motivation was to get healthy. While he didn't sabotage my efforts, he was and often still is jealous of my gym time. But at the end of the day, I tell him that it makes me happy to work out as it's a great stress relief AND I know i'm doing something good for my body.

Stay strong!

Pearsquared · June 2013

I can't take advice on weight loss from people who are not in the same boat as me. That's why I like myfitnesspal, and I only talk about my weight loss with my mom (she lost a lot of weight with Weight Watchers). With anyone else, it has the opposite effect - the only person who can motivate me is me.

javajunco · June 2013

I've tried explaining it all to him but all he says is that I will be fine and he will be in control to make sure I dont over obssess etc, when control is the exact thing I cant stand someone else having over me. He thinks a little obsession is needed to make sure I reach the goals, which may be true but I want it to me on MY terms not someone elses. He thinks that I cant be in control because when I am I will just keep gaining more weight but the only reason I have is because it was an uncontrollable rebellion to his control, because if I tried to lose weight he wants my weights and to figure out what/how much I should be eating.

Yes, I can totally relate to what you are saying! It's not just weight-related stuff for me. When people encourage me, it makes me feel exposed and also obligated, and I resent it. It's a frustrating cycle.

There are a lot of things in life that we, as individuals, do not have control over. Sometimes, people develop eating disorders because it's their way of taking control of SOMETHING (their body). Your body is yours, you are in charge of it. When he tries to assert his control, you assert yours by gaining weight. It's not rebellion to his control. It's YOUR body. You control it. The anxieties and resentments you have are about your fear of LOSING that control. And the deal is, it's totally in your power. You've proven that.

teresavink · June 2013

I understand!! I have had the same dialog going in my head for years. I have been married 22 years. My husband is in wonderful shape and has no issues with food. I am 50 lbs over weight, I have started many programs and wanted his support and the moment he starts holding me accountable I feel so controlled and I start cheating! ugh! A couple of years ago I wanted to run a half marathon, I trained hard and watched what I ate. I did not lose as much weight as I wanted to but I did complete the half marathon, but I could still hear his doubts that I was doing things the right way. That was when I realized that his pressure for a plan and the tone of his voice or the words he chose made me feel like I was a failure before I ever started. I am now working on my inner dialog and fighting to feel the confidence and motivation for myself to do this for me. I no longer want to be held captive in my pride, it hurts only me. He does not suffer for my inner pride to be rebellious. I want to love myself enough to make choices that bring me good and not harm. I can't change other people but I can change me and I can chose to be his partner and let his plan motivate me to succeed. Men by a nature are fixers. They love it that we have a problem they can actually fix. They do not feel inept emotionally to meet our needs but they can for sure have a plan for the physical. Amazingly by my changing this way of thinking, we are now on myfitnesspal together, exercising at the same time. It has brought us closer together and when we have fights over exercise or the plan, I found my voice to feel the conviction to let him know this is what my plan is and I appreciate that you would like help me, but this is what

I want to do today...

difyance · June 2013

I think I have the opposite attitude from my boyfriend that you have from your husband. He stopped being intimate with me little bits over time as I gained weight, never feeling like he could tell me that was the reason but rather make up excuses all the time. He still loves me, and tries to be supportive, but I find that if I'm doing a workout DVD or Kinect game, I would rather do it when no one is home than with him watching and trying to "motivate" me. He'll try to approach it jokingly but I always feel like I'm on display if people are watching me work out, and judging me. I can't stand it. And the more I try to take control of my eating habits, the more he offers to pick up take out or order in. I would prefer he learned to cook a few healthy meals so he could pitch in once in a while.

aNewYear123 · June 2013

I have a knee jerk reaction like that and not just for weight. If there is an event going on where they need volunteers I might think about it and be about to volunteer - right until my Mom pokes me and says you should volunteer for this because they need help. Then it is me doing it because she said to, rather than me doing it because I want to help; therefore, I no longer want to volunteer. Tell me I shouldn't eat something because it is fattening and it is just what I want - with 2 servings of it. So I understand where you are coming from. I also believe that believe that this is a self-defeating and teen-age attitude - even if it is my attitude :ohwell: . As an adult I should do what I feel is right and ignore the rest, but sometimes I have to fight the reaction. Harsh, but true - at least for me, so it is something I am trying to fight.

That being said, you can't let someone else control your eating. Suggestions, advice, and encouragement are fine, but you have to make him realize you are an adult and the only one who will ultimately be deciding what you eat.

Knowing he is a personal trainer he may just want to be involved in this part of your life. He probably thinks he can really help you, which would make him feel good. So be patient and be strong so that his actions don't throw off your hard work, and your reactions don't throw off your marriage.

tmccarl2 · June 2013

Thanks everyone! Your shared experiences helped a lot and I think I'm going to try and focus on losing weight for what I want to get out of it and completely rid myself of the idea that I'm doing any of it for someone else.

Lose motivation as soon as someone pushes you?

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