Eight months, 30 lbs and a better perspective...

As a child I was naturally athletic, and grew up on home-grown veggies, with meat and potatoes. We headed out the door after breakfast and didn't come back inside until dark most days. Lots of woods to explore, bike races, and good ole fashion fun. Weight wasn't a thought, until I gained 50 lbs on first baby. Lost some of it, but never was a professional dieter and too busy to be bothered with “exercise”.

Another baby and 50 lbs MORE, I was officially over the 200 mark. At 5'5" with athletic build, I carried it well. Strangers had no clue I weighed that much, so I carried on without much concern. My weight became a source of pain during my marriage. My ex was cruel and controlling about it. I felt worthless and shrunk into myself.

The end result was me walking away from a 15 yr marriage in 2003. In the back of my mind, I was thinking "someone" out there would appreciate me?! The dust settled, and he remarried a skinny woman that was more desirable in his eyes. I naively reentered the dating scene, hoping for another chance at love. Several douche bags later, I was throwing in the towel.

The open hate thrown at me for being overweight was mind-boggling. Instead of seeing the vitriol as a wake-up call…. I gave up, stayed home and ate myself into numbness. In retrospect, I was never right in my head about other's opinions. I allowed others to define me and devalue me. I let other's negativity pull me further down, when I should have been lifting myself UP!

In March 2012, my mother passed quickly from unexpected cancer. It shook my world. At some point it hit me that I was playing a deadly game of risk at my weight(now 240). It was time to love myself enough to care whether I lived -or died like her.

My epiphany was that my weight was a manifestation of my inner loathing. I had to change who I was in my mind’s eye, before expecting my outer appearance to change. I had to love “me”…this is still a work-in-progress, but awareness is the first step.

October 2012, I joined MFP and blindly followed the 1200 plan. It was too hard for me be consistent, so played with the numbers for months. Trying to find your TDEE when you sit all day at a desk, and don't exercise consistently is not an easy task! Without fail, I logged every morsel, every day since. I wasn't always ‘good’, but I was honest with myself (and my diary).

This month, I hit the -30 loss mark. I finally see inches disappearing from the middle. I attribute this to me increasing protein with shakes, strength training, giving up alcohol(gasp!) and being consistent with calorie intake (averaging 1400-1500/day). I focus more on nutrition with meat/veggies. I still struggle to exercise consistently (can be lazy sometimes), but I sneak in exercise when I can.

I'm not where I wanted to be in eight months, but I’m not the same person either. I see others lose massive weight in months, and get discouraged sometimes. Then I think about all the small NSV’s I’ve had - and continue to have.

I was barely able to walk to the bathroom last year because of back pain. Now I zip down the hall like I’m running a race! I went from not being able to push myself off the floor, to pushing 70lb bench press reps at the gym. I went down two pants sizes and found my chin again. LOL

Every day is another chance to live this life “right”…. Not sitting idle waiting for it to end!! I don’t use other’s opinions as a barometer for my self-worth now. This really is a journey, not a trip. It's a series of good habits replacing bad ones. Giving up isn't an option. I may not be where I want to be yet, but I sure the hell ain't where I WAS!

Thanks for the support, education and encouragement I've received here.