Decrease in weight still no Increase in confidence

turbosupremo
turbosupremo Posts: 24 Member
in Motivation and Support
One of the main, if not the main reason why I lost weight was to increase my confidence when it comes to the opposite sex. Being a bigger guy, I always felt like I wasn't good enough for certain girls, so just wouldn't even bother talking to them. Now that I have a body I can be comfortable in, I still resort back to that mindset that I'm still not good enough.

Has anyone experienced this and managed to kick that mind set? I'd rather not fall back into that same hole that I worked hard to get myself out of. Thanks

Replies

  • BL_Coleman
    BL_Coleman Posts: 324 Member
    I think when you have to remember is " everyone is insecure". Everyone has something they do not like about themselves, you just have to focus on what you like about yourself.

    And if you treat her like a princess..she won't care that you dont double as prince charming ( just my opinion)
  • LadyPakal
    LadyPakal Posts: 256 Member
    Sure - I still can't believe anyone I like would be interesting in me... but basically, I'm out having fun anyway.

    Don't try to hard, don't go out on the prowl, just for fun with friends and see what happens. People can sense desperation and it puts them off - try not to be that guy. ;)
  • Chaosrose8
    Chaosrose8 Posts: 39
    Have you tried changing your look at all to fit the "new" you? A new haircut and/or new clothes may help you see yourself as the new person that you are.
  • thesupremeforce
    thesupremeforce Posts: 1,206 Member
    Just do it. Sure, you're going to have to fake it, at first, but the only way to overcome something is to do it. Fake it, fake it, and fake it some more. Eventually, you'll either get good enough at faking it that no one will notice, or you'll stop needing to fake it.

    If you have to, consider every interaction an audition toward landing a role as the new you.
  • proudjmmom
    proudjmmom Posts: 145 Member
    I had a problem with this for a long time. I have lost a total of 75lbs to date, over the last 3 years, and its only recently I am beginning to feel more comfortable in my own skin. I've always had issues with self image, and being overweight has made it worse. Sometimes, I still find myself thinking I'm disgusting looking, but then remember where I've come from and where I am now. Seems to help keep my mind on track! I still have about 15-20 lbs to go to my UGW, but I am def feeling better about myself. Going out and exercising, running, walking hiking really boosts my self image, cuz I remember I was unable to do these things when I was heavier. Its hard to train your brain to think otherwise, when its been thinking the bad for so many years!
  • stemmingthetide
    stemmingthetide Posts: 363 Member
    Next time you go out- make a pact with yourself to speak to at least five women. Hi - how are you - my name is--- whatever. You will see that most are friendly and will engage you in conversation. If they dont- who cares. If you do this a few times you will see your confidence grow. Its just like anything else- if you want it to get stronger you need to exercise.
  • slimdownsteph
    slimdownsteph Posts: 71 Member
    Well, I haven't really lost too much weight, so congrats on your loss!!, but I've definitely always been bigger (6ft AND obese). Because of that, I've always felt out of place and not very "womanly," so what I've had to do is fake it. I always try to look presentable/dress well and pretend that I exude the confidence that I don't really have. People will believe it and then at some instances YOU'LL believe it. I swear --- fake it, till you make it. It really helps!
  • javajinny
    javajinny Posts: 78
    Love yourself, no matter your weight. Just because people lose weight and get healthier bodies, doesn't mean they automatically get healthier minds/emotions as well. There is something awesome and lovable about everyone. The right woman will like you at 230 or at 175 because she likes YOU: your heart, your sweetness, your intelect, how you make her feel. If she cares about 40 or 50 pounds, she's not your gal anyway. I've been married 11 years; he loved me at 170 and he loved me at 340, he's loved me the whole time on the journey back into the 100's. There's no girl you aren't good enough for, and if one of them doesn't know that, then she is certainly not good enough for you.
  • razz02
    razz02 Posts: 36 Member
    Yes, losing weight and gaining selfconfidence are two completely different things. I gained huge amounts of weight during my pregnancies and I´ve experienced how obese people get treated. I noticed a big difference. When I was fat people tended to ignore me. Nobody saw me in society. Once my weight was off, I got the usual treatment from people. Attention in stores even posh ones. I get feedback from all kind of people and seemingly they want to talk to me, they didn´t, when I was fat. Also I get a lot more attention from men (and women). In my opinion that is the only external effect. Of course it aids a bit in the quest of selfconfidence. But (and that is a huge but) everybody has to work to get selfconfidence. You don´t get it for free! Life is not easy and thin people don´t have benefits, not even beautiful people, they have drawbacks also.
  • conniemaxwell5
    conniemaxwell5 Posts: 943 Member
    I think to develop confidence you have to push yourself beyond what you think you are capable of doing in the area you lack confidence in. For example, your weight loss may have increased your confidence at the gym but it wouldn't necessarily help your confidence with women.

    Successes build your confidence for obvious reasons but even the failures do to some extent because you realize that trying and failing is better than not trying at all.

    I would suggest just starting conversations with women first. Get aquainted with some women you work with or are neighbors with, etc. Flirt a little. When you find somone you think you'd enjoy spending more time with, ask her to lunch or dinner. Not every one of them will say yes, but I'll bet some will! Good luck!
  • turbosupremo
    turbosupremo Posts: 24 Member
    Fake it until you aren't faking seems to be the common trend, and I can see how it will work.

    One issue with that though, I can foresee faking it coming across as arrogance/cockiness rather then confidence. Wouldn't that put a negative spin on gaining the confidence? Or in the grand scheme, does it really even matter?
  • TeachTheGirl
    TeachTheGirl Posts: 2,091 Member
    Personally, I always worried that my 'confidence' would seem like I was trying too hard.

    When I stopped looking at it as being a 'confident me' versus my old self and just saw it as me being ME, it became easier to just let that confidence show without it feeling like arrogance.

    I hope you find the ability to just let yourself be you, without the worry of how other people will perceive it. =)
  • BluejayNY
    BluejayNY Posts: 301 Member
    I say just be yourself. I can't stand cocky guys. I married the guy that had to hide his under under the table because they were shaking on our first date. I have dated men who were overly in love with themselves. I found that left less room for love for me.
  • slimdownsteph
    slimdownsteph Posts: 71 Member
    Fake it until you aren't faking seems to be the common trend, and I can see how it will work.

    One issue with that though, I can foresee faking it coming across as arrogance/cockiness rather then confidence. Wouldn't that put a negative spin on gaining the confidence? Or in the grand scheme, does it really even matter?

    What would you be faking that would come across as arrogant or cocky?

    Guess I should have clarified. When I mean fake confidence, I really mean... Keep your head held high, don't slouch, SMILE, look like you're having a good/fun time even if you're not (if we're talking about in the context of out at a bar/social event). This will help you to feel better and others will think that too. Try not to be standoffish. I sometimes get that I seem a tad arrogant/intimidating because I sometimes tend to stick to myself. Try your best to get outside of your comfort zone and talk to new people of all sexes. Definitely start with how you're presenting yourself first and it will make the other stuff come a bit easier.
  • cwolfman13
    cwolfman13 Posts: 41,865 Member
    losing weight and self esteem really are two different things. You have skinny people out there with a lot of confidence and skinny people with little confidence...you have fit people with a lot of confidence and fit people with little confidence...you have fat people who are very confident and fat people who aren't. It doesn't necessarily go hand in hand.

    Honestly, I don't know what the answer is, but for me, I found that lifting really boosted my confidence. It wasn't enough to just not be fat for me. Lifting heavy things and putting them down has made a huge difference. Also, training for purpose in general and doing competitive races...competition is usually a breeding ground for confidence.
  • slimdownsteph
    slimdownsteph Posts: 71 Member
    losing weight and self esteem really are two different things. You have skinny people out there with a lot of confidence and skinny people with little confidence...you have fit people with a lot of confidence and fit people with little confidence...you have fat people who are very confident and fat people who aren't. It doesn't necessarily go hand in hand.

    This is so so true. Self Esteem and self confidence are also two very different things!
  • turbosupremo
    turbosupremo Posts: 24 Member
    I really appreciate everyone's insight so far, and I think maybe if I describe my situation a bit more, it can help narrow it down.

    My confidence with my body and image is probably at an all time high. I have been boxing for the past 3 years (similarly to lifting heavy things... knowing I can go several rounds with some amazing fighters makes a huge difference). I have been doing Yoga for over a year now as well. I dress for success and take pride in the way I look. So, this isn't the problem.

    With regards to talking to women. If anything, I have more female friends then male friends. I think this is because I am a master of the friend zone. I'm always able to strike up a conversation, but when it gets to that point of progression, I get that voice in my head saying "she's probably not interested in me in that way, don't bother asking her out". That's my problem, and that's the little voice which is holding me back.
  • ThriftyChica12
    ThriftyChica12 Posts: 373 Member
    writing your feelings and fears in a journal, seeing a therapist, practicing yoga or meditation, or any other path to self awareness will help.

    we often never realize that even when we get thin, we will still be the same person with the same challenges and personality.
    just...smaller.
  • ShannonKirton
    ShannonKirton Posts: 304 Member
    You just mentioned exactly what I use to do with many situations in my life. In your case, you spot a girl out somewhere and think "Wow, I would really like to get to know her. She's a great person and I would like to date her" or whatever. But you then pull up the e-brake, and park the car before you've even left the garage.

    Here's the trick, you will NEVER know the answer unless you ask the question. One of these days you will be pleasantly surprised by someone's answer. Give it a try :)
  • ShannonKirton
    ShannonKirton Posts: 304 Member
    And it seems that you "friend zone" yourself before they do. Chin up, smile on and ask for that date!!

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