Married or single women advice

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  • beccarockslife
    beccarockslife Posts: 816 Member
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    Lead by example. Even if you don't need to lose weight, talk about how great you feel, run about with the kids and eventually she'll want what you have.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
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    If it were me, I would have a serious discussion about managing her heart problems and health issues, because you want her to be there in your old age, and you don't want to be a single dad, no beating around the bush. It's a matter of life and death. First step: she needs to see a doctor and get cleared to exercise.
  • RoseDarrett
    RoseDarrett Posts: 355 Member
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    I would try to encourage her to make small changes,like you mentioned she grazes a lot on sweets and pop. Maybe that can be substituted for fruits that she likes?

    I really don't know how this situation can get better without her being fully on board with it. You clearly are a loving and caring husband. I hope she sees how loved she is and comes to a good pace with this and start taking care of herself. Good luck!! It's great that you are there for her,loving her always.

    I hope her health improves and she can be healthy soon.
  • karibj2010
    karibj2010 Posts: 264 Member
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    As others have said, I would definitely make it about either "a couples thing" or a "family thing". Get out and have walks. If you have nature centers, go there. But walking is a good start. Its hard but telling her how you feel will probably be the best thing for her and her health. It's you being a GOOD husband.
  • So_Much_Fab
    So_Much_Fab Posts: 1,146 Member
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    I know you can't make someone do something to improve their health unless they're ready to change...but maybe an honest, firm, "tough love" approach might be in order because her health not only impacts her, but you, your children, your entire family. Also, her misuse of food might imprint on your kids and influence their food choices - keeping the unhealthy cycle alive for years to come.

    I would guess that there's an underlying reason for her overeating. Depression? Some other issue?

    I would be honest with her about your fears in the most loving way possible. Let her know you want her around for the long haul..that her young children need her, and that you will support her in any way possible. However, if your honestly falls on deaf ears, I really don't see what you would be able to do beyond that. I wish you the best of luck.

    ETA - Don't be an enabler. If you do the cooking and she won't eat the healthier stuff (making sure it's healthy stuff she would actually enjoy) and all she'll eat is crap food...then don't make her crap food for her, let her make it for herself. She needs to know you'll do anything to support her in getting healthier but you won't do anything to help her become unhealthier. Tough love and all that.
  • AleciaG724
    AleciaG724 Posts: 705 Member
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    I'd be upset too, if if this were my husband talking about me with strangers, but then I'd realize that it was done out of love. It might be something she needs to see. I was very stubborn about not wanting to lose the weight as well... for many, many years. I'm 46 years old and had been refusing to do anything about my weight issues for at least 25 years, and I just kept getting bigger & bigger. I agree with everyone else that she won't do it until she's ready, and I'm not sure there's anything you can do to help her be ready. But when what you've tried hasn't worked, keep trying something else until she gets it. You can also stop cooking for the family. Otherwise your kids will be in the same boat eventually. Make enough of what you eat for everyone & let her cook for herself. Honestly, I think it's time for some tough love...
  • c_faulkenburg
    c_faulkenburg Posts: 158 Member
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    I am in the same boat. My husband and I made this commitment together. We got the gym membership, bought the workout clothes, etc., etc., and here I am, 180 days logged on MFP and he has yet to complete a week. I've been going to the gym 4 times a week, he rarely makes it once a week. He is obese, suffers from high blood pressure and snores like a freight train, and he has terrible self esteem because of all of the issues that come with being heavy. I have done everything that the above posters have suggested. It does not work. We have three little boys (4, 2.5, and almost 1) and he does not go out and play with them.. I don't know what to do.. It's very discouraging. My husband has not yet found it from within to make a change. He is not changing for me, for our kids, or for himself. My advice, do the best you can for yourself and for your children. Maybe at some point something will click with her. I hope so.. It's admirable for you to want to help her, but she is going to have to do it herself.
  • Micksmom9
    Micksmom9 Posts: 8
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    Im sorry about whats going on. You know when I was a lot heavier a couple years ago, I didn't want to hear anything anyone had to say about me losing weight. I had my "fat" moment and had to figure it out on my own. But with her health conditions you may need some tough love. be nice at first bringing it up and if she won't listen, make her. And def tell her what you're worried about. Tell her what you told us about you fearing for her life and you want her to be around for you and your kids especially. I work in a hospital and with cardiac patients and more than half are overweight and 99% are told they need a healthier diet and weight loss. Il be praying for you and your family!
  • A_Warrior_Princess
    A_Warrior_Princess Posts: 344 Member
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    Ditto! My husband and I started working out together and we lost weight together. Once you get started and see the difference in your health it made it much easier for my husband and I to push ourselves harder and harder. Maybe you even need to tell your wife, you love her and want her to take care of herself for the children, you and your golden years together. It can be hard to hear but necessary.
  • HartJames
    HartJames Posts: 789 Member
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    In a lot of cases, weight gain is a symptom of depression and not the other way around. If that's the underlying problem, it won't be fixed until that has been addressed successfully. What is at the core of her depression? You may need a therapist to help her find out.
  • awise19
    awise19 Posts: 154 Member
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    First I want to say I am sorry that you have to worry about that, that is very scary for your whole family. I suffer from depression and anxiety and have always been bigger. It took a good friend of mine that was the same weight as me getting diagnosed with diabetes to really put it in perspective. My husband was a huge supporter, but it truly starts as "tough love". He was very blunt about it, I NEEDED to get in shape. I NEEDED to get healthy. I NEEDED to go see a therapist and get medication for my anxiety and depression. I have never felt better in my whole life than I do today, and tomorrow it will only be better. It really sounds like your wife needs that tough love. She needs to see the worst scenerios, she needs to see that she can die before she sees her children grow up, she needs to see that her lifestyle is killing her and actually is making you and your children and her family suffer. Honestly, I wouldn't be light about it anymore. There is a point where a good husband isn't "sweet" or "trys to give it to you lightly so it doesn't hurt your feelings".... You have to sometimes give the news to your spouse or significant other straight, and tell them there HAS to be a change. You have to put your foot down. That is what my husband did and I am so happy he did.
  • Rose_bee
    Rose_bee Posts: 226 Member
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    If she's tried to diet in the past, she knows she has a problem.

    Dieting is extremely difficult, especially if your body is one that likes to store extra calories for possible future starvation.

    Will she consider weight loss surgery?

    You can't force her to do anything. But you can encourage her to walk around the block with you & the kids.

    I didn't want to do anything about my own weight issues until I saw my mom, who was obese (nearly morbidly so) and realized that if I just kept things the way they were I'd be the same way before too long.


    Maybe she'll be willing to change her eating & exercise habits if you talk about how her habits now are what your kids are learning. If she won't do it for herself, maybe imparting good healthy habits on your kids will be enough.

    Best of luck to you!

    PS - if all else fails to get her motivated, tell her your biggest fear is ending up a single father because of her health issues.
  • Crazy4Healthy
    Crazy4Healthy Posts: 626 Member
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    I am in the same boat. My husband and I made this commitment together. We got the gym membership, bought the workout clothes, etc., etc., and here I am, 180 days logged on MFP and he has yet to complete a week. I've been going to the gym 4 times a week, he rarely makes it once a week. He is obese, suffers from high blood pressure and snores like a freight train, and he has terrible self esteem because of all of the issues that come with being heavy. I have done everything that the above posters have suggested. It does not work. We have three little boys (4, 2.5, and almost 1) and he does not go out and play with them.. I don't know what to do.. It's very discouraging. My husband has not yet found it from within to make a change. He is not changing for me, for our kids, or for himself. My advice, do the best you can for yourself and for your children. Maybe at some point something will click with her. I hope so.. It's admirable for you to want to help her, but she is going to have to do it herself.

    It is really tough to say what will be motivation for her, but she has to be the one to see it. My husband got bad test results for cholesterol and such and started running, lost weight and was doing well. He wanted me to be his running partner, but I just wasn't ready to make that commitment. I had yo-yo'd many times over the years and I wasn't extremely overweight, but I was by no means healthy and was headed in the wrong direction. I don't know when or why it clicked for me, but it did and I will never go back now. Throughout, my husband continued. Now he is weight training (instead of just running) because he saw the changes in me and now we do run together. It's great having an active lifestyle together. I agree that you should continue to be the example. Eventually, it will hopefully click for her too. But, it has to be something she decides, it needs to CLICK for her. It won't truly work until it does. I would say whatever you can do to help it click, do it. Just be gentle. Best of luck to you, this is a tough road to travel.
  • hdlb
    hdlb Posts: 333 Member
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    I have to cook my own meals because she refuses to eat veggies, beans, or salads. Believe it or not, I usually do the cooking. I will have my food going and cook her and the kids a meal too. That usually consists of tacos, pizza, hamburger helper, etc because that's all she will eat. I've also tried to get her to try protein shakes and healthier snacks, but she doesn't want to try it. She doesn't really eat a lot of heavy meals, but does a lot of grazing on sweets and pop. It used to be hard to set there with my plate of chicken, veggies, and water, while she had a plate of pizza and a can of pop. Her dad and grandfather both have pace makers and rely on heavy medications for their heart. She has even seen her dad almost die twice in the hospital because of his heart failure. She has inherited everything they suffer from. They have both told her to get into better shape, but it hasn't worked.


    Have you considered not making her the food she wants? Cook something healthy for yourself and your kids and let her know shes welcome to eat with you, or she can make something else for herself.

    And def. make it a family affair. Offer to go for walks, play at the park, get the kids involved in cooking healthy meals, maybe see if she wants to join a gym with you?
  • WhitneySheree88
    WhitneySheree88 Posts: 222 Member
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    I agree with making it something the two of you could do together. Just tell her your worried about her future and you want her to be the best possible person she can be, and you want to be the best possible person you can be. Just make sure whenever and however you bring it up she knows it is coming from a place of love and concern.
  • GiveMeCoffee
    GiveMeCoffee Posts: 3,556 Member
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    Since you do the cooking, you have a little more control. Subtle changes can go a long way, you said she likes Hamburger helper ok so get very lean ground beef. Search for some lower calorie recipes of her favorites, especially if your kids are also eating the same way so you are improving their health.

    Also who's doing the shopping, at my worst I wasn't cause I couldn't walk enough to do it, so if you are, then cut back on buying soda, and sweets. If it's not in the house she either won't be eating it or will be getting up to go get it. And trust me, I was way to lazy to do that.

    You can make little changes in your house, that will start her on the right track. Now she may drop a few pounds just with these changes which also may help her realize it can be done.
  • AdrianasMombieED
    AdrianasMombieED Posts: 117 Member
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    Since you do the cooking, you have a little more control. Subtle changes can go a long way, you said she likes Hamburger helper ok so get very lean ground beef. Search for some lower calorie recipes of her favorites, especially if your kids are also eating the same way so you are improving their health.

    Also who's doing the shopping, at my worst I wasn't cause I couldn't walk enough to do it, so if you are, then cut back on buying soda, and sweets. If it's not in the house she either won't be eating it or will be getting up to go get it. And trust me, I was way to lazy to do that.

    You can make little changes in your house, that will start her on the right track. Now she may drop a few pounds just with these changes which also may help her realize it can be done.

    exactly! was just about to type this lol
  • melyndavaz
    melyndavaz Posts: 67 Member
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    I do not agree with printing this out so she can see it. I would be tremendously upset if my husband was talking about my weight with a bunch of strangers on the internet before approaching me first. I agree with everything else though. Reading "Success Stories" like the one above can be a major confidence booster.

    My thoughts exactly. My husband approached me in a loving way with concern that something would happen to me and he would be left with our girls. They needed me. While it was hard and nice to hear it still took about 6 months for me to really get serious. Although I am just starting out with my new lifestyle I know I have his support 100%. I needed that.
  • mambagirl
    mambagirl Posts: 137 Member
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    Since you do the cooking I would just revamp all of the meals.Sometimes I'd serve the meat and veggies that you already make for yourself for EVERYONE and sometimes I'd make healthier versions of things that the family likes....Chicken tacos,Turkey tacos..with more veggies,low fat sour cream,reduced fat cheese,low carb tortillas.Spaghetti with half spaghetti squash/half pasta..or half regular pasta/half whole wheat pasta....HALf the spaghetti as usual and make half of that plate a salad....If you eat hamburger helper..eat it,but make half the plate veggies.Eat the same things,just make it better.I wold not even ask her about it since YOU cook..just change it,if she questions you tell her that you want your children to start eating healthier.DONT bring junk food into the house!!! Its not good for the kids either...Once or twice a week take the kids out for ice cream or treats or buy just enough for that one day,but only keep healthy snacks in the house....Buy Crystal light or diet soda.
  • HelenaSophia
    HelenaSophia Posts: 4
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    I have to cook my own meals because she refuses to eat veggies, beans, or salads. Believe it or not, I usually do the cooking. I will have my food going and cook her and the kids a meal too. That usually consists of tacos, pizza, hamburger helper, etc because that's all she will eat. I've also tried to get her to try protein shakes and healthier snacks, but she doesn't want to try it. She doesn't really eat a lot of heavy meals, but does a lot of grazing on sweets and pop. It used to be hard to set there with my plate of chicken, veggies, and water, while she had a plate of pizza and a can of pop. Her dad and grandfather both have pace makers and rely on heavy medications for their heart. She has even seen her dad almost die twice in the hospital because of his heart failure. She has inherited everything they suffer from. They have both told her to get into better shape, but it hasn't worked.

    So your kids eat the same bad food she eats? Does this not bother you as you can see the results on their mother?

    Maybe you can also tell her that you would like your kids to eat healthier so that it is a family thing, like others already said.

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