Married or single women advice

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Replies

  • JenniBaby85
    JenniBaby85 Posts: 855 Member
    If it's her health that is your priority, you're good in my opinion :tongue: .

    Has she had her thyroid levels checked?
    Does she have insulin resistance?

    Those were my two biggest problems when I was obese.

    I would suggest, instead of flat out bringing it up, since she probably already knows, she must if she's tried those diets, and you do the cooking, just cook healthy meals. Suggest doing things with her and the kiddos that involves some sort of activity, and start helping her to make small changes.

    It's the small progressive changes that go a long way.
  • ouiouilezizi
    ouiouilezizi Posts: 36
    this is something that requires tough love.. She needs to lose weight not be pampered. If it hurts here feelings so be it, but she NEEDS to lose weight that is just how it is. She won't ever manage to achieve that if she gets offended by the mere suggestion of it.

    Unfortunately it's not as simple as this & I disagree. Have you ever tried telling a smoker to quit smoking, or an alcoholic to quit drinking? I've tried both MANY unsuccessful times and it is absolutely no different with food (in fact, I argue that in many ways it is even more challenging with food because you can't just "quit cold turkey.") You have to deal with food everyday...

    Telling someone they must change is completely pointless. It must come from within. However, what this guy can do is create the most favorable, positive environment for his wife and set the chips up so that she can succeed.
  • Marina809
    Marina809 Posts: 38
    Have you considered not making her the food she wants?

    +1

    Don't buy it either, keep that stiff out of the house. As a minimum she would have to walk somewhere to get it.
    Or, she will drive herself to the store and buy the junk she wants after making a quick stop at Mickey D's for a little snack. She really needs to make the decision for herself but I get that not enabling her is a good thing.
  • thanhdle
    thanhdle Posts: 25 Member
    show her tough love and just tell her directly. The truth hurts, but sometimes its for the best.
  • GiveMeCoffee
    GiveMeCoffee Posts: 3,556 Member
    show her tough love and just tell her directly. The truth hurts, but sometimes its for the best.

    I totally disagree, having been there, all this would have done was piss me off and make me more resistant to even attempting.
  • MyJourney1960
    MyJourney1960 Posts: 1,133 Member
    You sound like a good and caring husband. Unfortunately it sounds like, from you description, that your wife needs serious and immediate help, and she needs it now. This isn't time for 'honey, I feel like taking a stroll around the block, care to join me? ' tactics. I would call your gp today and get a referral to a therapist and a dietician. And for starters - are you kidding me? Stop feeding her that garbage! Would you give a drug addict drugs?

    Hugs , thus isn't an easy place to be
  • SteelySunshine
    SteelySunshine Posts: 1,092 Member
    I have to cook my own meals because she refuses to eat veggies, beans, or salads. Believe it or not, I usually do the cooking. I will have my food going and cook her and the kids a meal too. That usually consists of tacos, pizza, hamburger helper, etc because that's all she will eat. I've also tried to get her to try protein shakes and healthier snacks, but she doesn't want to try it. She doesn't really eat a lot of heavy meals, but does a lot of grazing on sweets and pop. It used to be hard to set there with my plate of chicken, veggies, and water, while she had a plate of pizza and a can of pop. Her dad and grandfather both have pace makers and rely on heavy medications for their heart. She has even seen her dad almost die twice in the hospital because of his heart failure. She has inherited everything they suffer from. They have both told her to get into better shape, but it hasn't worked.

    Sorry, but my kitchen my rules. That means she would eat what I make for the family. If she doesn't like it she can find her way to a different restaurant because that is how she is treating your kitchen, If she is hungry enough she will eat what is there. Don't have the stuff in the house to make pizza, tacos, or hamburger helper either. And no sweats or hfcs pops in the house either. Buy diet soda, if she doesn't like it tough, she can drink water. For the transition you could make healthier versions of some of the foods she really really wants. But seriously no snacky foods in the house.
  • 1longroad
    1longroad Posts: 642 Member
    First off, I love that you are concerned about your wives health! I have a few questions if you don't mind.

    1) Has she always been overweight, or did this occur in recent years? (Baby weight that never came off)

    2) If she was not as heavy before, did she have the same health problems? Or have they developed since she gained extra weight?

    I think the most important factor in a successful relationship is honesty. That said, you have a responsibility to your children to help them learn to be as healthy as possible now and in to adulthood. They have the same genes as your wife. They need to be aware, that the choices they make in their lives now can affect them later in life.

    There is nothing wrong with telling your wife you are concerned, or that you have a fear of being a single parent. If your wife used to be more active and you did things together, remind her of the fun you used to have and let her know that you miss that! . Remind her of the fun you planned on having with your children as they grow and are able to do more.

    On a more personal note, getting short of breath, feeling fatigued and not having stamina, can also affect you sex life. Even if that is not your primary concern, you can let her know you miss the intimacy you were able to share before her health changes, if that is in fact an issue.

    I am going to assume, although assuming is not good, that you do the shopping. The next time you go to the store, think about what you are buying as it will be consumed by you and/or those you love! Do your children need hamberger helper? Or would some pasta that has less sodium, high fructose corn syrup and artificial ingredients with lean protein be better for them?

    If your wife is the shopper, you can still prepare healthier meals, and you will all benefit.

    You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink, applies here perfectly. You can talk honestly with her, offer your support and love to help her become healthier, but only she can make the changes that she needs to for her health. You can alter things for your children though!! I bet if you do that, your wife will realize the importance and hopefully see the changes she needs to make.
  • tlou5
    tlou5 Posts: 497 Member
    Hi- Good for you for trying to help your wife. I agree she will have to be ready to make a change for it to really "stick". However, I am curious about her heart problems. Is it something that has been diagnosed by a physician? I ask because often time shortness of breath and palpitations (racing heart) are symptoms of panic attacks which aren't uncommon in someone with anxiety problems. I think accompanying her to the doctor for her next appointment would be a good idea. He may be able to scare her into dieting. (how much does she need to lose btw?).

    Another thing I would personally recommend is for you to cook healthy dinners only. Don't cook a separate junky supper for her. If she wants the junk let her cook it. She would at least get a little exercise that way, and honestly cooking her a separate junky meal kind of enables her.

    I agree with the others as well about starting a walk around the block nightly. You could just present it as wanting some time with her outside or something.

    Good luck with it all!
  • jennifershoo
    jennifershoo Posts: 3,198 Member
    Bump
  • Scrogglez
    Scrogglez Posts: 26 Member
    1. Stop letting her buy **** food
    2. You won't get fatter
    3. ????
    4. PROFIT
  • LolasEpicJourney
    LolasEpicJourney Posts: 1,010 Member
    Honestly - this is a tough one.
    There are other family members in my life I wish I could have a similar conversation with.
    I agree with trying to make a little bit more family outing time - short walks maybe.
    Can you write her a letter? I am better at writing my thoughts then speaking them.

    Being someone who was always out of breath and morbidly obese - if someone (husband or anyone) had told me I needed to lose weight I wouldn't have taken it well. I needed to get there myself (and thank God I did!).
    Tell her your fears of being a single parent maybe? And what it would mean if you did lose her
  • scookiemonster
    scookiemonster Posts: 175 Member
    This is always a tough situation. Change is hard, and trying to convince someone that they need to change often ends in hurt feelings and fighting. I agree with those who said that you should make it about "we" - do things together. Go on walks together. Come up with new activities that she might enjoy that will get her moving.

    Also, if you're cooking, you do need to stop enabling her. Be gentle about it, but you need to wean her (and the kids) off of crap food. If they don't like what you're making, they can fend for themselves. Sooner or later, they'll come around, but it's important not just for her but for your kids to understand that it's not okay to eat that kind of crap. By enabling their behavior, you're not just contributing to your wife's illness, you're leading your kids down the same path. Find healthy versions of things that they'll enjoy and experiment with new options, but no more crappy food while you're making yourself healthy food. It's like sitting their and pouring a whiskey for an alcoholic while you drink ice water. It's great that you're drinking the water, but you're not doing them any good by providing the alcohol, no matter how much they complain. If they seek it out and provide it themselves, you may not be able to stop them, but at least you're not helping them hurt themselves.
  • lithezebra
    lithezebra Posts: 3,670 Member
    show her tough love and just tell her directly. The truth hurts, but sometimes its for the best.

    I totally disagree, having been there, all this would have done was piss me off and make me more resistant to even attempting.

    I think it depends on what you tell her. If someone told me to "lose weight, or else," I would probably feel very defensive, and resistant. But this is truly a health crisis. This woman has heart problems, already, probably at a young age, and she has a family history of heart problems. If tough love is telling her your genuine fears that she is not going to be around to be your partner, lover, and the mother of your children, that's not quite the same as saying "you need to lose weight."

    Weight loss is only part of the solution, and the goal is good health
  • ValerieMartini2Olives
    ValerieMartini2Olives Posts: 3,024 Member
    My dad and I gave my mom an intervention a couple weeks ago. She needed to hear the harshest truth. She was angry amd blamed everyone else for hee problems. Too bad. Make it clear... Choose your health and family or die. It's mean but it is the only way to get through.
  • linsey0689
    linsey0689 Posts: 753 Member
    "Honey I love you so much and what both of us to be around as long as possible for our kids and one day our grand kids"

    or try

    "I started this new site MFP and it's seems to be working. I would love for both of us to do because it will help me motivated. Want to check it out?"
  • sammys1girly
    sammys1girly Posts: 1,045 Member
    Make it about family. After dinner family walks. Family bike(for example) rides. Maybe come up with fun family backyard relay races. I also agree about taking the lead in the food/cooking dept.

    Good luck!

    This! My husband and I walk most evenings while the kids ride their bikes. We get to talk and it doesn't seem like exercise, and the kids have so much fun that they're always asking to go for a walk.
  • Junkergal
    Junkergal Posts: 15 Member
    this is something that requires tough love.. She needs to lose weight not be pampered. If it hurts here feelings so be it, but she NEEDS to lose weight that is just how it is. She won't ever manage to achieve that if she gets offended by the mere suggestion of it.

    Unfortunately it's not as simple as this & I disagree. Have you ever tried telling a smoker to quit smoking, or an alcoholic to quit drinking? I've tried both MANY unsuccessful times and it is absolutely no different with food (in fact, I argue that in many ways it is even more challenging with food because you can't just "quit cold turkey.") You have to deal with food everyday...

    Telling someone they must change is completely pointless. It must come from within. However, what this guy can do is create the most favorable, positive environment for his wife and set the chips up so that she can succeed.

    I disagree. At this point since several of her family members have been affected by the same conditions he has a right to be very concerned. This isn't about her losing some weight or being prettier. It's about her health and her life. OP I think you need to sit down and talk to her frankly. At this point she may need an intervention of some sort. She needs to know just how concerned you are about her health and the future of your family. I'm not saying being mean. Just firm in telling her your concerns.
  • emilycarr71404
    emilycarr71404 Posts: 176 Member
    I don't think you are being a bad husband to bring it up. You love her and want her around for you and your children for years to come. It maybe something that you have to do together; however, she may not want to do anything about it. You can explain your concerns, let her know she has all the support she needs and give her every option (trainer, dietitian and so on) but if she doesn't want to do anything you're stuck.

    My husband came to me a few times with concerns about my health and while I ignored it for a little while it stuck in my mind. I knew he cared about me and when I wanted to do it together he was game. I recently told him I would love to take a dance class for fitness and he said "Do it!" Let your wife know she has that kind of support and do it! Even if she doesn't want to start tomorrow don't give up. Besides her quality of life will skyrocket as will the positive benefits in your marriage. Good luck.
  • RobynLB83
    RobynLB83 Posts: 626 Member
    You can't control your partner's body or her choices about what she does with it. Sorry. It's a mistake to try to get into any of that. You only have choices about what you do in a situation you're not happy with. You can keep your mouth shut and lead by example, or you can leave the relationship.
  • todayis4me
    todayis4me Posts: 184 Member
    How about talking to HER! Tell her how much you love her, how much you need her, and admit to her your concerns and heart felt worries...........tell her you want to do it together, you want to be a family forever..........and then together decide on an approach. Make small changes at first and then keep adjusting! Make t about health, love and longevity! Introduce her to mfp and make friends doing the same thing! Good honest communication works wonders sometimes.
  • _KrisMarie_
    _KrisMarie_ Posts: 146
    I agree with the family thing. Get all the junk out of the house; and I mean all of it - processed foods, sweets, everything that's bad for you. Say it's about the kids eating healthier foods. You can do it slowly, so as not to cause an uproar, but restock the kitchen with healthier options. Also, have her go to the doctor. You could say you'll both go together and get an annual physical. While you may not be able to point blank tell her that she's risking her life by the way she's living, a good doctor won't beat around the bush.

    Hope things get better!
  • scubar17
    scubar17 Posts: 43
    First off, thank you for being a nice husband and being concerned enough for your wife that you want to help her. Secondly, until she's ready to hear it and do something about her weight, she'll have every excuse in the book as to why she can't do anything about it. The truth is, until she's ready, she won't do anything to lose the weight.

    I suggest that you be the example for her. You need to start eating healthy and exercising and when she sees you having success, she just might start to follow you. Good luck.
  • Cannon_G
    Cannon_G Posts: 77 Member
    I was in a similar situation except I was the one avoiding my obvious health problems while my wife wanted us to lose weight. We both were obese and over the years she bugged me about needing for us to lose weight and get healthier. I always dismissed her healthy living suggestions and just ignored the obvious health issues. She finally decided that she was sick of being obese and was going to get surgery. I don't remember if it was gastric bypass or lap band but she made all the doctors appointments and was one test away from going thru with it. Before she did she said to herself I am going to have to exercise after the surgery why not try to give it one last chance and start to exercise now. She started walking and did the weight watchers program and started to drop weight. Then she started running using the Galloway run-walk-run method and the weight started coming off. She signed up to run a mother daughter 5k and the two of them rocked it out. I was blown away watching them finish and it really killed me to think how out of shape I was compared to them. My wife kept on losing weight and I saw that losing weight wasn't impossible. I always bought into the hype that it's impossible to lose weight but my wife was showing me it was not. So finally I realized I can change and one night I decided to fight to live. The next morning I was going to start the Galloway easy 5k app and start to eat healthy. I weighed 306 pounds and my goal was to drop 40 pounds in 5 months. I ended up losing 100 pounds in that time. The thing was that I had to reach that point where I wanted to fight to live. Unfortunately I think that is where your wife is at. Until she reaches that point there is not much you can do. I have several friends and family members who are morbidly obese and I have tried to help them and they are in the same boat. Until they come to it they aren't ready.

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