body/image/food etc things you wish you'd known as a child?
neandermagnon
Posts: 7,436 Member
I'm a mother of two girls aged 3 and 6, and I want them to grow up to have a healthy relationship with food, their bodies and to enjoy exercise, healthy food, to be able to stay fit and healthy and not grow up hating their bodies.
What do you wish you'd been taught/told as a child that would have enabled you to have been healthier, avoided issues with body image, or enabled you to have had a better relationship with food etc... did your parents make crucial mistakes that screwed you up in this area of life (whether you got an eating disorder, battled with obesity all your life, or whatever the outcome of their mistakes was)... did your parents do stuff right that really helped? are there things they could have done to make it easier for you? What important lessons can other parents learn? What will you be sure to teach your kids?
I know that there's no such thing as a perfect parent but it helps to know what direction I'm heading in and to learn from others and avoid making crucial mistakes that have caused others to screw up somewhere along the line. And also, to learn from what others did right.
Hope you can help, opinions from everyone are welcome because we were all raised by someone (whether an actual parent or not), and also opinions on life skills, e.g. self efficacy, resourcefulness, self reliance etc that affect all areas of life including health, fitness, diet etc, are totally welcome.
What do you wish you'd been taught/told as a child that would have enabled you to have been healthier, avoided issues with body image, or enabled you to have had a better relationship with food etc... did your parents make crucial mistakes that screwed you up in this area of life (whether you got an eating disorder, battled with obesity all your life, or whatever the outcome of their mistakes was)... did your parents do stuff right that really helped? are there things they could have done to make it easier for you? What important lessons can other parents learn? What will you be sure to teach your kids?
I know that there's no such thing as a perfect parent but it helps to know what direction I'm heading in and to learn from others and avoid making crucial mistakes that have caused others to screw up somewhere along the line. And also, to learn from what others did right.
Hope you can help, opinions from everyone are welcome because we were all raised by someone (whether an actual parent or not), and also opinions on life skills, e.g. self efficacy, resourcefulness, self reliance etc that affect all areas of life including health, fitness, diet etc, are totally welcome.
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Personally if I ever have kids, I want to make exercise a big thing....not force them to the gym ! But help them understand the importance of a healthy lifestyle in a fun way, for example joining sports clubs and having fun etc. !
But I think it's also important especially beginning of high school (this is where my healthy lifestyle went downhill majorly!)
Also FOOD healthy food for kids is important it drives me insane when I see a toddler in a push chair downing some soda ! eurghh0 -
My emotional eating came 100% from my mum. Hurt yourself? Have some chocolate. Did well at school? Reward yourself with some chocolate. Had a rough day? Treat yourself to some chocolate. I try really hard not to use food as a reward/consolation, and to use other treats (stickers, trip to the swings etc) rather than food.
I also weaned her (she is now six so a while ago now but the principles remain!) using baby-led weaning, which essentially means letting her follow her body's cues for when she is hungry, and to stop eating when she is full. I have never made her finish what's on her plate and never intend to. If she is hungry she eats, if she's full she stops, which sounds incredibly simple, but I think so many of us have become desensitised to knowing when we are full due to all the 'just-one-more-bite' or 'you're-not-leaving-the table-until-you've-finished-what's-on-your-plate' attitudes we grew up with. I still find myself eating everything on my plate, even when I'm stuffed to bursting, just because I feel like I should.0 -
My mother and I are both pear shapes. Since I was a teenager and started developing curves she kept on telling me that my butt is big. She projected her pear shape complex onto me and made me hate my booty. I was at a healthy weight, so pointing out the size of my hips/butt was not necessary.
I am now a 29yo woman that still hates her curvy behind.0 -
I wish my mom had not had a tendency to point out flaws, both in herself and in me. I remember that she tried to talk to me about my weight but it was never about health, always aesthetics. Probably she thought that was the best way to get a teenage girl to care about it, but I came away from it with a painful awareness of cellulite and any small amount of pudginess. She also pointed out her own flaws and I picked up that habit. No one in my family is athletic so there was very little physical activity. I grew up just thinking that physical activity was for "jocks" not for kids like me.
On the plus side, my mom had no tolerance for fads. She told me when I was a teenager that calorie counting was the only thing that worked to lose weight, so when I needed to lose weight that's where I went first. That probably saved me a lot of time yo-yoing.0 -
bump ...I want advice on this too!0
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I remember as a child, my mother always going on and on about how she needed to lose weight, she was tiny tho ( around 7 and half stone. It had a profound effect on how i viewed my body image, especially going through puberty, if my mother was (in her words) fat, then i must be huge. She also had a habit off binge eating and allowing me to do the same
I spent years trying to undo the damage she wasn't even aware she caused, not her fault, she had demons of her own.
I never mention weight to my girls 9 and 3, i never mention exersize, we never mention that mums overweight or that sh's on a diet, i just try to make sure they get a balanced diet with occasional treats and we get out and about as often as we can.0 -
This may sound stupid, but I remember being about 7 or 8 and my mom telling me that the only reason I was eating was so I could get boobs and have the boys look at me, and only bad girls want boys looking at their boobs. (You have to know that my mom was very old school, conservative-she also said sex should only be for procreation lol) So anyway, what she said really affected me to this day. I feel guilty if I eat and feel like I need to examine the reason why I am eating. Messed up, I know.0
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i want the same for my daughter, we walk everywhere, I try to let her know that walking and exercise is great because it means we can have a treat, I never deprive her of food and we promote healthy choices. I am very conscious not to berate ymself over my body in front of her, we talk about how lovely our tummies are and that as long as we play and run then we will stay lovely and healthy. i NEVER say fat is bad, if anyone is fat then it registers with her but she doesnt see it as a negative, if she makes a comment I just say everyone is different and that is ok. in terms of her with me, its monkey see monkey do so as long as I am positive about food and exercise, moderation and how we treat people then she is.0
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I can't say there's much I'd change, except maybe a couple little things. I remember my mom talking about how she thought she was fat and hated her body, always pointing out what she didn't like about it. In 8th grade, I sat down on the edge of my bed and my tummy rolled a little (it had never done this before) and I remember being horrified because I thought it meant I was fat.
I'm not sure how my body image would be different if my mom hadn't criticized her weight so much, but I suspect there would be some difference. I'm very critical about my own body even though I'm the smallest I've been since high school, maybe smaller.
As far as food goes, my mom made most things off limits and limited a lot of stuff, like dessert and soda. When I finally got a job in high school, I was able to buy whatever I wanted during lunch and I was a total glutton... I could finally have all the things I'd been denied! It got worse when I got to college and could eat whatever I wanted WHENever I wanted. And thus started an unhealthy relationship with food... I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was excited, I ate when I was stressed out. I used food as a comfort and as a reward. I packed on the pounds.
I wish I hadn't been denied those things so much because they became a novelty. The novelty wore off, of course, after a couple years of being able to eat whatever I wanted, but the damage was done. Food was no longer a novelty, now it was a coping mechanism. I have a friend whose mom always had soda and chips and stuff in the house and she could have them whenever she wanted. She barely ever ate them, and when she did she only ate a little bit. It wasn't a novelty for her, they were readily available.0 -
I have to thank my mom for the fact that we never had chips, sodas or canned food in the house. Everything was made fresh. I wish I had better eating habits after I got older but making an example of what you have does go to your kids. Your not depriving them of anything it's teaching them about moderation.
Just my thoughts......0 -
Children learn A LOT from watching the adults around them so it's very important to set a good example. Keeping lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and healthy snacks on hand and enjoying them yourself and with the kids will go a long way. Don't give them a lot of sugar, whether in sugary sodas, juices or snacks. No one needs to eat sugar, it should be reserved to have as an occasional treat.
Seeing your healthy active lifestyle will teach them it's normal and enjoyable to be active. Do fun playful activities together, even simply kicking a ball around the yard, playing frisbee or looking for butterflies during a walk at the park.
For me, I can say that I learned that sweets were a reward for good behavior. I wish I had learned that praise, love and maybe new crayons and paper were a reward for good behavior instead. I also somehow learned that eating would fill the void of boredom and bad feelings. I am still unlearning both of these behaviors. I think I learned them from observing my folks, but I'm not sure. They certainly could have done more to help me deal with those feelings in a more healthy way. There are probably many books available on the subject.
Good luck to you. I think you will be great as you obviously are a concerned loving parent.0 -
I wish my family had never commented about my body as being fat when I hit puberty. It wasn't- I just wasn't my mothers body shape. There were forbidden foods and I was encouraged to eat tasteless iceberg lettuce-so I secretly binged on the few things that were around.
I wish they had encouraged activity by their own behaviour.
I have a 5 + 7 year old. I don't make a big deal about the fact that they say I have big bum, but I talk about making fun of differences and try to emphasise kindness. We talk about sometimes foods, split their food into food groups (on the plate), and encourage activity, especially walking (apparently we make them walk forever and ever...;) )0 -
A couple of these things have been mentioned, but this thread really resonated....
1. Food is fuel, not a reward.
2. Taking care of yourself, loving yourself, being proud of yourself are all good things. Your value does NOT come from how hard your work or what you produce.
3. Move for fun; enjoy life!
4. Take time to take care of yourself. Balance!
Parenting is so hard! (I don't have children.) Your children will benefit from your thoughtfulness and care!0 -
Like most kids I grew up eating 3 square meals a day, every day: being told to clean my plate, not allowed to leave the table until I finished etc. I recently started taking health and nutrition classes and the very first part of the very first lecture was dealing with nutrition in childhood development. I learned that a child's body cannot possibly process the amount of protein in the average American meal at one time, let alone absorb all the nutrients in a big meal - kids need to eat small portions several times a day to even be able to get the full nutritional value of the meals they eat. For a child, not only does eating a large meal mean flushing half the nutrients away but it also means training the body not to take advantage of the nutrients you're putting in it.
I remember knowing at a very young age that it was "bad" not to eat everything I was given and it was very very bad to eat just before or just a few hours after a meal. I truly wish I hadn't assigned these moral values to eating habits that come naturally when you're a kid since I believe now that the most natural way of eating is usually the healthiest.0 -
I wish I'd been encouraged to go outside and take part in sports/activities. Most of my issues come from my mother who starves herself but is fat and hardly eats any healthy food. As a 19 year old, I weighed 8 stone (5ft 2) and she kept telling me the places I needed to lose weight.0
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My mom was a big health nut back in the day, she would make us drink barley juice and try every homapathic remedy out there.She was also very...mean? I remembered growing up she would always tell me that I was big boned and not to eat too much because I would get really fat quick and would probably grow up to be tall and manly.I'm not big boned by the way, turns out I have a small frame and am only 5'2...go figure.She would constantly be on me about what I weighed, when I got a job and was able to buy my own food...I gained a ton.she would make comments like"if you gain anymore you won't be able to fit through the door" " I thought that was you, I could tell by your heavy footsteps." Even when I was pretty slim, about 120 on my 5'2 frame which was normal she was mean.I remember telling a friend that my mom said I needed to lose weight and she responded that if I got any thinner I would be a stick.I told my mother this and she told me that my friend was lying to be nice. There was a lot of emotional abuse not related to my weight as well and it led to extreme depression and a borderline eating disorder.I would make myself throw up after meals and one time didn't eat anything for two weeks.
I now have two daughters of my own, I plan on never focusing on how much they weigh...instead I want to encourage healthy eating with the occasional treats and get them to exercise with me.I think providing them with the tools and leading by example would be the best way.I never want to put my kids through the pain I went througb as a child and teen.0 -
I wish that my family hadn't seen food as a means of celebration or comfort or reward.0
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I wish my parents had not brought in so much junk food in the house when we were growing up. And it wasn't so much that they brought it home, but they really did not monitor how much of it we were eating & drinking at all.0
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My mom's always made me feel good about myself, which is an awesome gift to give your daughter. I think the most "poisonous" things a mom can say to her daughter (or son) are any limiting comments..."You shouldn't run so hard in baseball with those breasts", "don't wear stripes as it will draw attention to your belly". Kids are cruel enough and will point out stuff like that - parents shouldn't be offenders, too.
I wish I had not been raised to expect a sweet ending to every meal. My mom is a dessert freak. There were times, growing up, we had dessert during breakfast! It's taken me over 30 years to stop planning my meals around a cookie or pie at the end, especially dinner...but even lunch.
I also wish I'd been more exposed to vegetables. As a kid, I thought veggies equaled iceberg lettuce, raw tomato, overcooked carrots, and canned peas, green beans & corn. NOTHING else. In my 20's I started to experiment with sauteed mushrooms, baby spinach, and adding onion to everything...changed my cooking & eating habits completely. I think I'd have been a healthier and happier kid and teenager if I'd eaten more veggies and viewed them as an integral part of dining rather than an occasional boring necessity.0 -
My mother was one of those "you're not leaving the table till your plate is empty" ladies. That's not something I'll complain about because she had me when she was young, just 23 and her life experiences to that point hadn't been great, she'd been hungry as a child so I can understand her frustration when there WAS food and little baby me just wouldn't eat.
But she also had a great way of stocking our kitchen so we would have a few cookies lying around but so many fresh mangoes, melons, exotic fruits our school friends had never seen or heard of. Every night we'd have a traditional Indian meal, usually vegetarian (Tuesdays fish, Wednesdays chicken... occasionally red meat on Saturday) so tons of lentils, veggies, pulses and lots of exciting new flavours. We could only have soda on Friday night. Night was defined by when she got home from work (7-8pm) to when dad went to bed (10pm)
When I moved away to college, I went nuts. I remember going to a supermarket and thinking yup I'm gonna have chocolate eclairs for dinner. And of course I gained. I guess I wish I knew back then how wise she was in her own way, not having an education didn't make her stupid. I feel weird about not finishing everything on my plate even now... so I bought smaller plates.
She came to visit me last month, my parents first time staying at my apartment in the big city. We went out to dinner and she made a comment along the lines of "we're at a restaurant, why don't you order something nicer than water?" and all I could think was... it's not Friday. I can't have a soda. 10 years after I left home.
Weird how these little things echo with you for the rest of your life.0 -
I've always been thin, but have never cared for my pear-shaped proportions. My mother was also mentally abusive and picked on my looks, which didn't help, and my father was out of the picture most of the time and not supportive when he was.
I wish I had learned to sew so I could make flattering clothes that fitted my personality better. I've been learning later in life, but it's a very complex skill and my conditions are not ideal for sewing and tailoring.0 -
This may sound stupid, but I remember being about 7 or 8 and my mom telling me that the only reason I was eating was so I could get boobs and have the boys look at me, and only bad girls want boys looking at their boobs. (You have to know that my mom was very old school, conservative-she also said sex should only be for procreation lol) So anyway, what she said really affected me to this day. I feel guilty if I eat and feel like I need to examine the reason why I am eating. Messed up, I know.
Aww that is sad to me :-( My grandmother was a little bit like that, though. She wasn't a MAJOR influence on me as I was not around her all that much. But she used to tell me I shouldn't hug people because I had big boobs - this was around age 12. I was mortified and it made me not so comfy hugging males, or anyone, until I was about 30!0 -
Don't reward your kids with food. That's how my mom was raised - she has an eating disorder - and that is how she raised me. She feels tremendously guilty about it now but she didn't know.
Also, if you get up and are active, your kids will be too.
The fact that you even ask this question is awesome and I'm sure you a great parent.0 -
I wish I had been taught portion control and the importance of staying active.
I am a mother of a 14 and 11 year old and they are constantly educated about healthy eating and exercise. They have watched me struggle with my weight, thus the reason I keep enforcing the point about healthier eating and exercise. My girls are listening because they are already making pretty good food choices. I still have to do a lot by way of motivating them with the exercise, yet they will cooperate.
My suggestion, do not ram it down their throats, just emphasize the importance of a healthy lifestyle and commend them when they do so. Encouragement goes a long way.0 -
My main goal with my child is to do the opposite of what mine did with me.
My mother was (undiagnosed, but I'm fairly sure) anorexic when I was growing up. I don't remember ever seeing her eat. She put me on my first diet when I was 5 because I was "too fat" (I wasn't) and would do things like take my brothers for ice cream, but tell me I couldn't have any because I was too fat. Or my favorite...giving away my easter basket every year because I was too fat. I had such body image issues for my entire life that at 23 I went through a stint where all I consumed was crackers and water. She found out and instead of trying to talk sense into me, she told me she was proud of me for finallly doing something positive about my weight and it was a good start. She told me that people were going to tell me that you need to eat to live, but that it''s just not true. She told me that I may get really bad stomach pains and pass out a few times, but that those things would pass. She ended the conversation by telling me that it was a really good start to giving up eating and she couldn't be prouder.
I woke up to my body issues at that exact moment!
Now I have a daughter. I tell my daughter every day that she's beautiful, but I also remind her to make healthy food choices and stay active because weight issues run in both sides of her family. I allow her to have treats once or twice a week, once she eats her healthy dinner. We keep her Easter Basket and it takes her months to get through the candy because she's only allowed a piece or two at a time. I'm teaching my daughter moderation, as it was never taught to me! lol0 -
My dad was a single parent to three of us kids. He bought a lot of treats at once and let us run the roost. Everyone gorged on the sweets and salty things within the first few days or else it wouldn't be there the next day when you wanted it! This carried over into adulthood...I'd buy a family sized bag of chips and I just couldn't stop eating them. They'd be gone after a day or two.
My grandma was constantly picking at my body, putting me on fad diets, giving me exercise tapes and shaming me for having a big *kitten*. Everyone picked on me for my big *kitten* ALL the time in my family...they called me wide load.
My dad had a long term girlfriend once who was emotionally abusive and manipulative, especially to us children. She used to chastise us for getting food when we were hungry, and yell at us if we took unauthorized snacks. I went to my grandma's house once during all of that and grabbed a handful of grapes. When my grandma came into the room, I his the grapes and she saw. She was so upset...she told me that being hungry wasn't a crime and that I should never be upset for taking some food when I want it while in her house.
I wish people told me the right way to approach food, my body image...hell, everything.0 -
I was a solid child, in fact that's how my parents described me my whole life, solider than other toddlers/kids.
I probably was, and in my head that has always meant fat. But here's the thing, now I start to look back at pictures of me from childhood, I was thin, not skinny, but toned. I was always doing gymnastics, dance, running outside every chance I got. I was stupidly fast as a child, and as a result I am amazingly strong, even as an overweight adult, I can pick up and move around my 12.5 stone boyfriend, underneath the flabby bits, my thighs and stomach are well muscled. But in my head, I've been a fat girl since birth.
I wish my mum had encouraged my athleticism, and chosen her words more carefully. Yes I weighed more than the other kids, but I wasn't bigger, because, guess what muscle weighs more. I am now a strong (if overweight) adult with an hourglass figure. But I am not as big as I think I am, and I never have been.0 -
thanks for all your replies.... very thought provoking and helpful. Sorry I can't reply to them all individually but I do appreciate all of them0
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