I need relationship advice...LDR SUCKS

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squirrelzzrule22
squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
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WARNING: this is long. Like freaky long. If you're bored and up for a little love drama and relationship advice tonight, read on!

Hi internet strangers,

I need advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. For purposes of context- we are both 25 year olds, post-graduate educated, professional and fairly rational people. I don't say this to brag, just want to explain that we're not love-struck teenagers or totally clueless about relationships. This is a relationship that I could see lasting for a very long time if all goes well. Possibly for life. I know he also has very serious intentions, but all that for-life talk would freak him out a tad. I mean, he is a 25 year old boy afterall!

So a few months ago we found out my boyfriend got an amaaaaazing job opportunity across the country. I have one more year left of law school so moving immediately with him was out of the question. But we had a lot of talks, a couple crying sessions, and ultimately decided we would try long distance until we figured out where I would be going next year. If I could get hired doing what I want to do in Seattle I would take that opportunity in a HEARTBEAT, and wouldn't be giving anything up to move for him, it would just be a great opportunity. But the odds of that happening are pretty slim- the market I'm in is competitive and under-funded.

Anyways, we've always had a really, shockingly, just crazily amazingly good relationship. We get along so well. We are SO close. We've just been so crazy happy together. HOWEVER, we've been apart for a month now, and its starting to already take a toll. See, my boyfriend is a wonderful amazing person, but he's not great at expressing emotion. It comes and goes. When he left, we were understandably both emotional. He's told me he loves me countless times but when he left he told me a lot more about how much I mean to him. It was moving, incredibly personal, and gave me a lot of confidence that we could make long distance work, at least for a while.

Flash forward five weeks, and I have a difficult time getting him to call me. He only says "i love you" when I say it first and its really taking its toll on me and my confidence. Now before you go yelling about red flags and cheating, I want to be really clear. I know, with 100% of me, that this man would never ever cheat on me. I know him better than anyone, and I know that to be true. But I also know that this man has had problems with depression and has undergone a lot of stress with this move. I know that one of the things I have done for him as his girlfriend is get him to talk about his feelings more than he ever has or does with anyone. And I know that when I'm not there, he is just not going to express himself the same on the phone.

I feel like a crazy person. I mean, as little as two weeks ago he is telling me he loves me and is counting the days until we see each other again (32 days to go...bah kill me now!) and I know that all the incredible strong feelings he has for me haven't just EVAPORATED. But I'm scared. I'm scared that he's not being forthright and saying I love you because somehow he suddenly doesn't. I'm so scared of him falling out of love with me that it is a constant anxiety. I'm keeping things together. When I'm working or with friends I'm happy and doing fine. But whenever I'm alone, I spend a lot of time crying and imagining the worst. I'm scared that if he decided he doesn't love me anymore, maybe he's waiting until I fly out there to tell me. I mean, I'm going for two weeks so that's a little unfounded....I don't know, its just a fear.

I don't even know what I'm asking really. I've tried talking to my friends, but they get so hung up on the fact that he and I are so perfect together (we really are) and they just say you guys are made for each other, don't worry. But I'm so so scared. And stressed. I just need to get my confidence back. And I get that confidence when I get a text or call from him. The texts he used to send (literally mere weeks ago) that say things like "I love you more than anything." "night baby." "can't wait to see you." etc.
When he left he told me I changed his life in a powerful way...he thanked me for being the part of himself he didn't know he was missing. Its corny, but that's not how he means it. Its not a line and its genuine. I'm trying to tell myself that feeling doesn't go away in one month. But I'm so, so scared.

So I haven't brought this up to him specifically, but I have sent a couple annoying/ needy text messages when drunk. I always apologize and he never seems bothered, but I know that neediness drives people away even when you already have a whole country between you. Battling my neediness has become powerful. Its weird but, I think maybe NOT texting my boyfriend might be a good thing? Letting him come to me more? Is that insane?

I guess I don't know what to do. Men- when you really love a woman, have you ever found yourself not expressing it as much as she needed without realizing it? I guess I want to know if I should read into his hesitance at all, or if I really can just chalk it up to the things I already know about him- he is NOT effusive, he is having a rough time with his move and is NOT great at talking about those feelings when I'm not with him, and mere weeks ago he was telling me how much he loves me and I need to KNOW that and NOT demand to hear it every day.....

Should I try and talk to him about it? My current plan is to wait until I'm out there and try to talk about it when we're in person.

It might be useful to note that when we were apart for one month over the holidays I felt the same way, but since I knew we'd be back together on the other end I was able to let it go. When we were back together, everything was normal again. The boy just isn't great at long distance. But dammit, I love him.

Opinions? Advice? What can I do to be the best girlfriend in the world so that he just can't fall out of love with me? (I know that one's a stretch ;) ) Seriously though....am I being crazy? I'd love some advice from men in long term relationships. My current plan is to back way waaaaay off with texting and calling, and keep the subject matter light. But pulling back is also scary....makes me worry he'll just *poof* forget about me.


THIS POST IS CRAZY LONG. ALL ADVICE WELCOME!
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Replies

  • legreene515
    legreene515 Posts: 276 Member
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    Hey There!

    Yes, LDR relationships suck! I was in one on and off for 3 years. It didn't work out, but we started out as an LDR, and I think that was difficult.

    Men are very different from women in that they are really good at COMPARTMENTALIZING! If he is busy, then he's not going to be hung up on you, and he may be making himself busy so he doesn't feel the pain of being apart from you.

    Here's my suggestion. Tell him that you're missing him and you hate you're feeling needy, but that being away from him is harder than you anticipated. Start looking for jobs with a vengeance, so you can move out there. Schedule times to Skype, so you can visually see each other. Men are very visual. Just because he doesn't say he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

    Visit each other when you can. Hugs. You can make this last. My co-worker was long distance with his now-wife for 2 years from London to Boston! They spent a FORTUNE on tickets to see each other, but he said the same thing you say about your guy: He just knew they were meant to be together.
  • MaggieGirl135
    MaggieGirl135 Posts: 986 Member
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    Re-orient your actions to match your goals. Focus on your job and school, stop with the alcohol, and work to improve your fitness level. Your state that your relationship is solid; don't second guess that and stop the negative thoughts in your head.
  • MerdiJune
    MerdiJune Posts: 68
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    Talk to him. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years, and communication is one of the most important things in a relationship. Openly tell him that he's been acting differently, and that has you concerned. If he loves you, which you made it obvious that he definitely does, then he'll be open to talking about issues, and working on improving them. Possibly talk to a counselor, and see if they have any advice on how to cope with the long-distance. Try talking to your boyfriend over skype or webcam, since that's as close as you can get to talking in person. I'm sure it'll work out for you, if you're as perfect for each other as you say :)
  • onwarddownward
    onwarddownward Posts: 1,683 Member
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    Just stop acting so clingy and desperate. This time apart defines you both. If he doesn't stay true or falls "out of love" then it's better to know that before progressing any further.
  • LALALA28115
    LALALA28115 Posts: 11
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    Personally, I don't think it has a thing to do with being in an LDR. It has to do with his ability to communicate and frankly-it doesn't sound like you two are a match from that perspective.

    I have been married a long time and one thing I appreciate is that while my husband is not the best communicator, he makes EVERY effort to communicate and when I say to him that I am not feeling as though he's being open and communicative, he steps it up. But it sounds like in 5 weeks your man is already shutting down and having an issue with communicating.

    Have you considered relationship counseling? To determine how you fit together and craft better communication strategies, you are going to need a neutral third party who can coach you through it.
  • UnwrappingCandy
    UnwrappingCandy Posts: 418 Member
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    I think you should let him know how you're feeling and also that you realise you're a bit irrational about things right now, but that's what long distance love does. You do make it sound like he's perfect and that you're perfect together, and maybe you're actually right. If you are then I am sure everything will be okay in the end. Lastly, do not let career kill what you believe is a perfect relationship. Be ready to compromise with him. Having a truly great love in life makes life worth far more than having a great career without a great love.
  • mustang289
    mustang289 Posts: 299 Member
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    Men are very different from women in that they are really good at COMPARTMENTALIZING! If he is busy, then he's not going to be hung up on you, and he may be making himself busy so he doesn't feel the pain of being apart from you.

    Just because he doesn't say he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

    Um, yeah, and to add....needy clinging 'I love you, do you love me' behavior WILL make him open his eyes and start to look around.
    Let him chase you until you catch him. He can't miss you until you give him the chance to feel his own pain of not having you, so like you said in your original post, back WAAAAAYYYY off. It will either bring you closer together, or if for some unknown reason your worst fears come true, better to find out when you are 25 instead of 35 with 2 or 3 kids to deal with.
  • legreene515
    legreene515 Posts: 276 Member
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    I was also going to say that you're expecting him to act and feel the exact way you do. You need to stop doing that. Your statement about whether or not men have ever found themselves loving someone but not expressing it the way the woman needs shows that you sort of expect him to read your mind. You have to be careful of this, and manage your expectations of other people. You can't expect people to FEEL the same way you do or experience things the same way you do. Maybe your guy doesn't know you feel the way you do. After all, you apologized for being needy. You need to be honest with him if you want him to be honest with you. Huge hugs. You'll get through this.
  • mustang289
    mustang289 Posts: 299 Member
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    Having a truly great love in life makes life worth far more than having a great career without a great love.

    true and wise words
  • seepersaud
    seepersaud Posts: 5,759 Member
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    Sorry to hear things are going so rough. Yes, long distance relationships suck. Been there, done that. Not going back again.

    What you wrote was eerily similar to my situation. To make a long story short, I was in a long-term relationship which came apart after I moved east for a job. For much of the time we were together, we didn't live in the same town but it was a very manageable distance. Taking the new job put us eight hours away from each other and set things in motion for it all to come apart.

    You should definitely talk in person. It will probably be a tough conversation, and you may not be ultimately happy with what results, but it's best to get things out in the open. I can tell you from first-hand experience, there is life after LDR.
  • Briko3
    Briko3 Posts: 266 Member
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    SKYPE! Video might make all the difference. It would also be easier to "read" him and see if there's a depression problem developing.
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
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    LDR can be hard for some people. i know for me, i'm very much out of sight out of mind. i woudnt say that it's a man thing or a woman thing either because i'm very much a woman tyvm and find compartmentalizing extremely easy. i've tried it before with a BF i met when i lived in france and then i later moved back to the states. for some people, me included, the vagues of an undefined LDR can very quickly lead to "why exactly am i in this "relationship"

    you both should make a regular schedule of when you are going to see each other in person once every 2 months or something since you're still in the same country. dont just leave it up to "i'll see you in a year" . every one i know who's had a successful LDR when they were in different countries and couldnt see each other on a regular basis in person they spoke to each other nightly via skype
  • Cp731
    Cp731 Posts: 3,195 Member
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    If you are as close as you say then he already knows what you need and want.
    Imagine what its done to him that he's in a new state with all these new opportunities. Got to let him get used to his new surroundings. If he is acting different its because his life has done a 180.
    If he suffers from depression there is a possibility the adjustments are very overwhelming.

    Your being a little needy and selfish imo. If you have no trust issues and he says he loves you, leave it at that.
    No need to create drama. It cant be all about you all the time, your making this about you.

    Lastly, if your relationship is meant to be both of you need to have an open line of communication. Id give him time tho to adjust.
  • squirrelzzrule22
    squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
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    Some great advice, thanks to everyone who got through it!

    On the career vs. relationship stuff- we're both very career-oriented people, and neither one of us would feel comfortable thinking the other "gave something up" career-wise to make the relationship work. It was a conversation we had when he wanted to turn down the job offer to stay with me and be unemployed. He is brilliant but grew up very poor, at one point homeless. To put himself through college and a masters and then get a six figure job offer....there's no way I would stand in his way. He deserves it, and I think it would lead to resentment. The same goes for me. Although I will be RABID about applying to the jobs that would make me happy in that area.

    On the neediness- I know you are all right and if I didn't make it clear I do realize it. Very much so. I just can't really fault him yet because I haven't been totally honest with him about my concerns yet. If it makes sense, having that conversation seems too needy to me. But it was great to get a man's opinion that backing off isn't an insane strategy.

    On communication- oh yes, I believe its craaazy important. The odd thing is our communication is hands down AMAZING in person. Terrible on the phone. Its always been that way. I don't know if its a physical chemistry thing or what. Is that nuts?


    You guys are amazing! Thanks for all the help.
  • kimad
    kimad Posts: 3,010 Member
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    Here's my suggestion. Tell him that you're missing him and you hate you're feeling needy, but that being away from him is harder than you anticipated. Start looking for jobs with a vengeance, so you can move out there. Schedule times to Skype, so you can visually see each other. Men are very visual. Just because he doesn't say he loves you doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

    I like this!
    I also like the man who posted about appearing needy and clingy and that pushing him away.

    another thought I had - you have to appreciate what he is going thru. Yes he isn't there with you but think of this - HE moved across the country, HE got a new job, HE left his family (assuming), HE left you, HE has to readjust and make a new life. He is probably stressed to the MAX!! Give him space, and don't become needy or clingy because right now he needs your support, not you adding more to his stress. His love and affection didn't evaporate and it will come back, but he needs to adjust!

    But being open and honest with him is a good idea too. It will be a hard adjustment, keep your chin up and good luck!
  • Briko3
    Briko3 Posts: 266 Member
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    SKYPE
  • PhattiPhat
    PhattiPhat Posts: 349 Member
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    The guy just moved. Give him a second to breathe, perhaps? 5 weeks is not long enough to adjust from a big move.
  • missfitmt
    missfitmt Posts: 67 Member
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    this post seemed almost identical to my recent LDR. we started off really strong, but then he backed off completely. once he said the initial "i love you" and got past the "honeymoon stage," i only received an "i love you" when it was convenient (i.e. like after i said it, or to prevent me from getting mad lol). the relationship ended up not working out, but all i can say from that experience is that LDR's require a lot of work. communication is key. i don't think it's wrong to expect to talk to the other person at least once a day (either via text, phone, or otherwise). it's just important to know that the other person is thinking about you. i wasn't getting this from my LDR, so i made the tough decision to end it at 10 months. and for the record, i am not needy or clingy. i went from getting 1 text a day, to like 1 text a WEEK. he wasn't cheating on me, but i certainly didn't feel like i was on his mind at all.
  • squirrelzzrule22
    squirrelzzrule22 Posts: 640 Member
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    you guys are too awesome. Since I'm loving the advice I'm going to take it a step further. He and I spoke on the phone earlier and it was a normal, chatty, goofy conversation, but not very intimate. I could tell something was wrong. I asked, and he said he was just exhausted. After a while I hung up and told him to go take a nap and he said he'd text me tomorrow. I'm thinking about sending him the following email, good idea or bad?

    "When I'm feeling down, I read this message from you.**

    You've seemed a little down lately. Not your usual self. I know this move has been hard for you in a number of ways. And I know you don't always want to talk about stuff when you're upset or feeling depressed. I just want you to know I'm here for you. I hope you know that. I'm always on your side.

    I've been all-together way too needy lately. Its a product of the long distance and not getting that comfort and confidence I'm used to from you in person. Its just been a little harder than I anticipated. I'm working on it.

    Maybe as an anniversary present you'd consider getting skype? Its free and I'd love to be able to vid chat every once in a while. I think it would help. Just think about it.

    Love you babe. Here for you always. Counting the days. Have a great Monday!

    Yours,

    Squirrelzzrule22

    **replying to a message from him sent on June 6: "I love you more than anything. The last month has been a feeling of building dread that there would be some big fight or sore feelings, and I'm so glad there haven't been. You have made my time here worth cherishing, and I love you." Referencing the month leading up to him leaving.
  • labeachgirl
    labeachgirl Posts: 158 Member
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    Seriously? This is what SKYPE is for and makes a huge difference.

    Have conversations about what's going on.
    Get a netflix movie, start it at the same time and watch it together.
    Get a little naughty on one of the sessions

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