You never know what you have

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Goddessmaker1
Goddessmaker1 Posts: 114 Member
in Motivation and Support
I'm laying here wanting to start crying. I feel my pudgy body and want to vomit. As much as I want to like my body I just feel like a sell out. I think I'm a closeted fat hater towards myself. I'm sad that at one point I was 245 and couldn't feel good about it. Now being whatever weight I am I'm pretty scared I'm going to keep ballooning back up and will be back at 320 plus shortly. I use to function off of 1200-1300 cal a day and was ok. Now I keep teetering at 1900 or above. I just want the darn scale to go back down and move in a good way. Hate sounding like a miserable fat person who is like poor me I'm fat and I don't know what to do. I use to know what to do and it stopped. Tried many things and it all seemed to have me back at the ugly state of life.

I know if my diary was checked it will show not perfect. But my investment in me is long over. I don't want to mentally invest in something that has shown not to give a good ROI. It's a sad state to be in because unless I get surgery as a doctor told me this year I will probable never see any pretty nice self.

Now I have acne issues so now I'm fat and have acne. I really feel like a ugly goose.

Replies

  • ginlyn39
    ginlyn39 Posts: 11 Member
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    Sweetheart, all you can do is take it one day and one meal and one exercise session at a time. When you feel bad about your body, find some small thing to do that will lead you toward feeling better. Get up and do 10 squats or jumping jacks. They don't have to be perfect, just move your body. When you start to overeat, drink a glass of water and then go brush your teeth. Once I've brushed, especially in the evenings, I don't want to eat again because it means I have to brush again before bed! Find someone very close that you can talk to with complete honesty about these feelings. Also, go to the health food store and look for Zinc for Acne. I started taking this recently and it has helped me with skin issues. This is a long road and you can only traverse it one step at a time! Just start doing it!
  • blc1971
    blc1971 Posts: 170 Member
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    I'm looking at your picture and thinking what a beautiful young woman you are!! I know it's tough to see ourselves as others see us, but I'm a total stranger and I am telling you that you are a lovely person with a good heart. Now I have a question: Would you talk to another person the way you talk to yourself? Would you call another person the names you call yourself? Probably the answer is NO! It's not easy, but you have to learn to treat yourself with the same love, kindness, and respect that you show to others. You have value!! And you deserve better. Now, that being said, time to start making changes if you don't like what you see in the mirror. Maybe, as another person posted, you could find someone to talk thru these feelings so that you can bring yourself to a better place. Peace and blessings to you!!! :flowerforyou:
  • Buddhasmiracle
    Buddhasmiracle Posts: 925 Member
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    I'm looking at your picture and thinking what a beautiful young woman you are!! I know it's tough to see ourselves as others see us, but I'm a total stranger and I am telling you that you are a lovely person with a good heart. Now I have a question: Would you talk to another person the way you talk to yourself? Would you call another person the names you call yourself? Probably the answer is NO! It's not easy, but you have to learn to treat yourself with the same love, kindness, and respect that you show to others. You have value!! And you deserve better. Now, that being said, time to start making changes if you don't like what you see in the mirror. Maybe, as another person posted, you could find someone to talk thru these feelings so that you can bring yourself to a better place. Peace and blessings to you!!! :flowerforyou:

    Very true and an inspiration. Nice to see compassion here for a change.
  • luckynky
    luckynky Posts: 123 Member
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    I totally agree that you need to start being kinder to yourself. You cannot successfully hate yourself into being the person you want to be. You have to love yourself into it.

    Now, because you mentioned acne-- is it possible that you have a hormonal imbalance that might be hindering your efforts? This is something that not every doctor will be open to discussing. My sister has been a yo-yo with her weight all her life (I mean up and down by 100 lbs or more). She finally found a gynecologist who has addressed her hormonal imbalance and it has done wonders for her.

    I think the best thing you can do right now is stop hating yourself and blaming yourself. It's one thing to take responsibility, and it's another to blame, feel guilt, and hate. You don't need all of those negative emotions-- they just get in the way of what you really want. Why don't you start looking at the situation with an open heart? You will likely find more possible solutions that way and be open to trying some different approaches.

    ETA: I started meditating 6 months ago and it's really changed the way I manage myself and my negativity. I'm finding that I can work through negativity much easier now and stop being my own worst enemy. I highly recommend it.
  • BobcatGirl110
    BobcatGirl110 Posts: 364 Member
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    I'm looking at your picture and thinking what a beautiful young woman you are!! I know it's tough to see ourselves as others see us, but I'm a total stranger and I am telling you that you are a lovely person with a good heart. Now I have a question: Would you talk to another person the way you talk to yourself? Would you call another person the names you call yourself? Probably the answer is NO! It's not easy, but you have to learn to treat yourself with the same love, kindness, and respect that you show to others. You have value!! And you deserve better. Now, that being said, time to start making changes if you don't like what you see in the mirror. Maybe, as another person posted, you could find someone to talk thru these feelings so that you can bring yourself to a better place. Peace and blessings to you!!! :flowerforyou:

    ^^^^^ THIS....you are so pretty....start remembering that. I have seen people lose weight and my comment is always the same...."you were pretty before too". Lose weight because you want to enhance how pretty you ALREADY are....because losing weight and not being happy on the inside does not make you prettier. You got this....really you do :D
  • sorcha1977
    sorcha1977 Posts: 133 Member
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    Your doctor is a jerk. He should be supporting you, not saying you won't be pretty unless you have surgery this year.
  • EnviousDan
    EnviousDan Posts: 107 Member
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    Man, if I could go back and tell 18 year old me to get that little back pain checked out I would. 6 screws in my back and an 8 inch scar later and I'm fighting to get my strength and fitness back. We all have our struggles in life but I think persistence and dedication are the key. There are many people here who are very, very support. Best wishes!
  • marieautumn
    marieautumn Posts: 932 Member
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    Even if you can't eat healthy right now for whatever reason, keep working out! It will make you happier. And if you are able to lose weight in the process that will be an added bonus, but the main goal should be to be HAPPY! :smile: You are beautiful and it sucks that some times we can't see what other people around us see, but don't beat yourself up about it. Just aim for being happy and the rest will all fall into place. :flowerforyou:
  • sc10985
    sc10985 Posts: 347 Member
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    I've been in your shoes. I had the same mentality at my highest weight and that's why I stayed there for 2 years. Every time I ate mass quantities of junk food, skipped working out, or simply decided to be super lazy, I would tell myself: "Who cares? Nothings gonna change anyway!" And even though deep down I knew I was wrong, I kept trying to justify my behavior with those thoughts. Whenever I would try to lose weight I had to have a reason. To wear this or that, to please my bf, because I was jealous of the skinnier girls at work, whatever. None of those reasons led me to success. The were all underlined with self loathing and after a month of half hearted effort I would give up. I would get so mad at myself for letting my body go and when I'd look back at old pictures I'd get even more depressed and usually just eat my feelings. What changed for me was the prospect of trying for baby #2 and the inevitable weight gain that would follow. Even though I only gained 22 lbs with ny first, I already had an extra 30 lbs on my frame and my pregnancy was really hard towards the end. I finally decided that this is not who I want to be for my children and I don't want them to grow up with a mom who hates her body and has a bad relationship with food. But even after realizing all that, I STILL HAD TO DO IT FOR ME, and no one else. No one can do this for me, no one can put effort into it for me, and to be perfectly honest, no one cares as much as I do. So I pulled myself together, got serious and just did it. Weight loss is not impossible, but you need a strong will for it, and you have to realize that it's in your hands only and no one else's. You might not start tomorrow or even next week, but do some soul searching and I can guarantee that you will find that inner will power and YOU WILLL DO IT. Sorry for the novel, but your attitude really hit close to home for me and I hope that knowing you're not alone will help. Best of luck to you :flowerforyou:
  • KANGOOJUMPS
    KANGOOJUMPS Posts: 6,472 Member
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    pull yourself together,, get some courage, and strength and willpower!!
    only you can make these changes.
    now go and kick some *kitten*.
  • Goddessmaker1
    Goddessmaker1 Posts: 114 Member
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    Thank each and everyone of you, even the last post. I really just needed to get that out so I can move on. I can't really share with people in real life as most don't get the depth of me that comes with all I want to do. Understanding was well received through the post here today, thank you again. I defintely know I would never say anything like that to anyone. I'm like the edifier of edifiers. I'm really into motivating others no matter where they are. I'm gentle with everyone else. I think I go based on how hard I was when I lost the 70. I know I need to be grateful that I didn't gain it all back. I think I'm just worn,tired and need to catch a break or 3. I know it won't happen if I don't do the work. I have tried taking a month of so off from workouts and keeping my food some what ok.

    Letting go of fear and anixiety that has crippled me should be the easiet thing but it hard as it's been a comforting wall for so long. I don't write that as woe as me. I'm a bit introspective. I know that food has been and still can be a comforter, a escape. I sat hungry last night as I wasn't going to go over my cals. I don't want anything to have such a power over me.

    Again thank you all for your words. They are very valuable.
  • Junkergal
    Junkergal Posts: 15 Member
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    I'm looking at your picture and thinking what a beautiful young woman you are!! I know it's tough to see ourselves as others see us, but I'm a total stranger and I am telling you that you are a lovely person with a good heart. Now I have a question: Would you talk to another person the way you talk to yourself? Would you call another person the names you call yourself? Probably the answer is NO! It's not easy, but you have to learn to treat yourself with the same love, kindness, and respect that you show to others. You have value!! And you deserve better. Now, that being said, time to start making changes if you don't like what you see in the mirror. Maybe, as another person posted, you could find someone to talk thru these feelings so that you can bring yourself to a better place. Peace and blessings to you!!! :flowerforyou:

    So very true! You are lovely. Be kind to yourself. You are more then just what you weigh. True beauty is inside and when you find that in yourself it will shine on the outside. Take one day at a time. If you stumble then speak to yourself the way you would to someone else, to a friend....start over with the next meal, the next snack, the next day. You can do it, you have done it before. Treat yourself with kindness. We all have that little voice in our heads that will talk with self hate if we let it. Everytime you start to hear that voice just say stop it! Say it out loud! It works! You feel foolish and silly for talking to yourself out loud but it makes you really stop and think what is going on inside your mind. And I agree, find someone to talk to to help you thru the process. (((Hugs)))

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