Alzheimer's Caregivers?

I wish I had more to offer you than empathy. Keep food within reach and maybe if you keep her entertained, she'll forget to be stubborn and eat. I don't know. Good luck! You can always take her to the hospital if you are concerned she is dehydrated or undernourished. I've had to do that before.

My grandmother had dementia in her last years and I remember it took half the day to get her out of bed and dressed. She was so confused, I would get confused. What day is it? Where am I? Who are you? I don't even know anymore!
My son has severe autism and functions at the level of an 18 mo. old, which is not the same, but I know it' hard. Every day is a new adventure.

When my sister and I were left on weekends to tend my 70+ year old Gramma(who also had Alzheimer's and dementia which worsened toward sundown), we could always get her to eat canned peaches with ice cream...she could NOT resist, no matter how crabby she was.

PS Sis was in seventh grade, and I was in eighth grade at the time...we ate a lot of ice cream and peaches that summer...

Awwwww!!

My family takes care of my 90 year old grandmother with worsening dementia. We were taking turns caring for her with my aunt in two month stretches, but her husband recently died after a long fight with cancer so we've had her for nearly a year. She remembers everything up to the last ten years more or less perfectly, which was when she had a series of small strokes. Now she can't form new memories and always thinks I'm home from college on summer break, regardless of the time of year (I graduated 3 years ago), or even still in high school. She also refuses to eat almost entirely, except for chocolate, which we have to hide from her or else she makes herself sick. I think the worst part is how she's always cold, even in 90 degree weather. She's really in danger of overheating so we try to get her to take off her sweater when she sits outside, but she always seems to have one.

Is anyone out there dealing with an Alzheimer's patient? My mother in law, who is about 89, is with us for a month to give her younger son a respite. She can'r emember anything more recent than about 40 yearsago, operates on a two-year-old level, and has mastered the art of innocent expression and verbal agreement, while passively refusing to eat or drink much of anything or to tend to any sort of bodily hygiene. I had to bully her a bit---hated to do it, but otherwise she will stall all day and all night--to get her naked and in the shower, where I managed to wash her hair, but I'm damned if I'm going to wash her privates, even though she leaks like a colander and has refused to wear her adult diapers or any underwear at all, so the guest room reeks of urine. I've been in filthy truck-stop bathrooms that smelled better than this poor old woman. She is paying me back for the shower with a sweet smile and a refusal to eat anything at all. It's nearly 5 p.m., and the only thing I've managed to get down her is half a cup of black coffee. I know this has nothing to do with any of you, but I am at my wits' end with her. Everyone else is lucky enough to be out haying in 85-degree heat while I'm trying to eldersit this recalcitrant old woman. I do not want her to die on my watch, but she's been hospitalized recently for severe dehydration. I can't force-feed her, and I can't wear her out ( she has nothing else to do but refuse, while I have a farm to tend). Any solutions or tips will be gratefully accepted.

If you can't do it then get someone else. She doesn't remember how to, even if you just showed her how, she doesn't know she's being stubborn. I understand frustration but she can't help it and that's the ONE thing you need to keep in mind. You can not tend to her and a farm. Sorry she needs 24 hour care and if you can't or won't do it then find someone who can or will. I took care of my Grandfather for 2 months before he passed away. And for 2 years before he got really sick. Awesome of you to give someone else a break but if your going to be mean to her you need to give her back. And if she smells then the other person isn't doing their job either. We washed Grandpa every other day, we changed his diapers. Yes it sucks seeing his private parts, but I'm sure if he knew we were looking at them he'd be just as horrified over it. Suck it up and just do it.

Alzheimers's is a progressive disease, which only gets worse. When my mother died I promised her to take care of her only remaining sister, my Aunt. Well it did not take long for me to realize that I could no longer take care of her the way she needed. So regretfully I placed her in a longterm dementia care facility. Best thing I ever did for her. She recieves the care she needs and Gid love them they truely care for her. Sometimes the hard decisions are the best thing fot the patient.

alzheiemers.org has a 24/7 support line...please phone them for your sanity

Is anyone out there dealing with an Alzheimer's patient? My mother in law, who is about 89, is with us for a month to give her younger son a respite. She can'r emember anything more recent than about 40 yearsago, operates on a two-year-old level, and has mastered the art of innocent expression and verbal agreement, while passively refusing to eat or drink much of anything or to tend to any sort of bodily hygiene. I had to bully her a bit---hated to do it, but otherwise she will stall all day and all night--to get her naked and in the shower, where I managed to wash her hair, but I'm damned if I'm going to wash her privates, even though she leaks like a colander and has refused to wear her adult diapers or any underwear at all, so the guest room reeks of urine. I've been in filthy truck-stop bathrooms that smelled better than this poor old woman. She is paying me back for the shower with a sweet smile and a refusal to eat anything at all. It's nearly 5 p.m., and the only thing I've managed to get down her is half a cup of black coffee. I know this has nothing to do with any of you, but I am at my wits' end with her. Everyone else is lucky enough to be out haying in 85-degree heat while I'm trying to eldersit this recalcitrant old woman. I do not want her to die on my watch, but she's been hospitalized recently for severe dehydration. I can't force-feed her, and I can't wear her out ( she has nothing else to do but refuse, while I have a farm to tend). Any solutions or tips will be gratefully accepted.

If you can't do it then get someone else. She doesn't remember how to, even if you just showed her how, she doesn't know she's being stubborn. I understand frustration but she can't help it and that's the ONE thing you need to keep in mind. You can not tend to her and a farm. Sorry she needs 24 hour care and if you can't or won't do it then find someone who can or will. I took care of my Grandfather for 2 months before he passed away. And for 2 years before he got really sick. Awesome of you to give someone else a break but if your going to be mean to her you need to give her back. And if she smells then the other person isn't doing their job either. We washed Grandpa every other day, we changed his diapers. Yes it sucks seeing his private parts, but I'm sure if he knew we were looking at them he'd be just as horrified over it. Suck it up and just do it.

This.

I'm a nurse who works with A/D patients daily and I will say your frustration while understandable is only making things worse. Is there someone else there to intervene and take over bc they will feel your anger and that intensifies their anxiety. She doesn't know and she's not doing anything on purpose to annoy you so please realize her mind is in a different state. I'm a little taken back that you take someone in to care for but won't cleanse them when they can't and allow them to sit in filth. That's neglect. If your family is unable to handle her care while her son needs the respite then you need to have the discussion your place is not a reliable one or it's time for placement for her. Good luck and I hope you find a solution soon but please step aside for awhile to release the burnout.

I would say the family needs to hire someone to care for her instead of resenting caring for her. It is the family responsability to make sure she is properly taken care of.

Hie Sweetie

Former domiciliary carer here (specialised in end of life and final stages of dementia) and current med student.

First off, I have the greatest respect for anyone caring for anyone else. It is hard in so many ways and I understand your very obvious frustration. But, your mother in law is incredibly vulnerable and as such her well-being is absolutely a priority.

I hate to be blunt but if you're not going to maintain her hygiene then you need to get her to someone who will. Neglecting her intimate personal care is not just a case of her smelling bad, (and her dignity and quality of life) it's about her health. Urinary tract infections develop incredibly quickly and could rapidly progress to nephritis, and more often than not in older patients this leads acute renal failure. I mean, I had nephritis as a very healthy 19 year old and it led to acute renal failure. At 89 that will probably be fatal. Alzheimer's greatly weakens the body's immune system and the most frequent cause of death in Alzheimer's patients are from infections like pneumonia. Second is dehydration.

Her behaviour isn't as manipulative or deliberate as you think it is. As cognitive function lessens behaviour reduces to simpler and simpler patterns and often all that is left is fear and aggression. She can't understand your behaviour, your feelings, your body language, your reasoning because at this point she's not even aware of her own. It's so easy to read malice or spite into the behaviour of those with dementia but it truly isn't there. If I had a penny for every time I've been sworn at, spat on, kicked, punched, etc I could buy a house. What you have to consider is that she no longer has the cognitive function to manage simple self-care tasks like washing. If she can't do that then she certainly doesn't have the capacity to be intentionally malicious. Just let it wash over you if you can. If you can't, again I'm afraid I have to urge you to seek outside help.

Bullying her into doing things is only going to make things worse. It leads to a terrible cycle, trust me. Also, I think that you should be aware that within care any form of coercion is considered to be abusive.

Her decreased appetite is probably partially due to her condition and partially due to her medication. The go-to meds for Alzheimer's will decrease her appetite pretty significantly, and can cause fairly constant nausea. Often something like omeprazole will be prescribed with that (because the other medications cause an excess of stomach acid), and it can decrease appetite. If she's on anti-psychotics they have a tendency to decrease appetite also. You can ask for a medication review and explain that she won't eat or drink, but honestly there's only so much you can do in terms of medication. As has been mentioned Ensure, Build-up or Fortsip are good for getting extra nutrition in and they actually taste pretty nice.

If she's still physically able to eat you can try and coax her with her favourite food. She won't understand why she needs to eat no matter how much you try and explain, and she won't feel hungry because of the cocktail of meds she is likely on, but she possibly has enough awareness that a favourite food might pique her interest. Even if she eats cheesecake five times a day it's better than nothing (unless she's got any other medical conditions that would be affected by this). PEG tubes/feeding tubes aren't really an option in Alzheimer's, so you need to try and keep her eating as long as possible.

Sorry this has been an essay but it seems like you've chosen to do something good without being fully aware of the scope of what you're dealing with. Like I said, I sympathise and I know how hard it is, but you need some outside help. And that's for your sake as well as your mother in law's.

I wish you every luck and I hope that you can find the support you both need at this difficult time.

Also, if she has medicare, you may qualify for a home health aide (at a lower cost than private pay) ... they come and do all the "icky" stuff (i.e. the privates) ... though to be honest, I was helping my mom and my nonno with the care ofmy nonna (feeding,bathroom/bathing stuff) as a child, teenage, and young adult ... (changing diapers and bathing, doing the soiled laundry) ... It's really like taking care of a large child .... both physically and mentally (to some extent, but they are usually smarter, but just as awnry, lol) ...

I know it's hard, but have some compasion.

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I'm seeing lots of advice on here about getting a home health aide to help you, etc. You only have her for a month! My advice to you is suck it up and make sure you show your appreciation to the person you are giving respite to. They do this 24/7 all the time, and deserve getting a break. You need to remember this is the woman who lovingly took care of your husband for many years. Just open yourself up to be the vessel of God's love for this woman. Try to care for her with love. For one month. Then send her back where she came from, with a big Thank You, for all they do.

Does she have insurance? Do she qualify for Medicare? Most facilities and home care accepts Medicare. Also some states pays for home care.