Fiance Doesn't Get It...and I'm Tired Of Trying

norahwynn
norahwynn Posts: 862 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
My fiance and I are trying to get into shape and we both joined MFP a couple months ago. We're both seeing success but his is much slower and he's starting to get impatient with the scale.

He's 6'2" and about 245 lbs. MFP tells him to consume 1540 calories daily, but right now, he's probably eating about 1100-1200 calories a day and he spins about 6 days a week, which burns about 750 calories each session. That right there sounds pretty unhealthy, but in the past he's been able to lose weight doing even more extreme unhealthy things, i.e.--starving himself and working out like a mad man. I believe he was consuming about 1000 calories and biking about 20 miles a day. This was way before I met him, so I'm leaving a little room for exaggeration, but it was obviously much more unhealthy than what he's doing now, because he so anxious to go back to doing it again.

I told him that he actually needs to not only eat more, but he needs to eat back his calories and that will help him lose weight a bit faster. We've gone round and round about this , but he just doesn't buy it. In saying this, I can tell by looking at him that he's lost weight, and he has mentioned that his pants are too big, and he needs to get a new belt!! When I remind him of this, he just says, "yeah, but the scale isn't moving like it has in the past". He could be down 3 pants sizes and swear he hasn't lost any weight if he doesn't see the numbers move! :explode:

Oh, and his favorite comeback to me is "why do people that starve themselves or are denied food lose weight? Why? Because they don't eat!" Oy... I have no idea what to say when he says that other than "I hate you."

I told him that the reason he has to lose weight now is because he did it the wrong way before and he gained it all back. Oh, but that wouldn't happen this time, he says. Ugh.

Can someone please, in the simplest of terms, tell me a way that I can convince this man that eating more will aid in his weight loss (ugh...even though he's losing weight already).

Replies

  • AverageUkDude
    AverageUkDude Posts: 371 Member
    This group has plenty of stickies on it
    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/groups/home/3817-eat-more-to-weigh-less
  • kellijauch
    kellijauch Posts: 379 Member
    Consider food for your body the same as gas for your car. Your car won't run if it's out of gas. Your body won't perform if it's out of food.
  • ladynocturne
    ladynocturne Posts: 865 Member
    It's always harder to watch someone we love do this to themselves when you know better. It's much easier to give people on a forum the same advice and if they take it, cool, if not, then it's their life.

    It's probably going to come down to him realizing he lost all his muscle mass and having a damaged metabolism for him to stop doing this to himself. I can only image how frustrating this is.

    Aside from maybe leaving some articles from medical journals that state facts about net calories and what netting under your BMR does to the human body lying around.... just a lot of patience and love. He's going to need your support when he has to rebuild his metabolism.

    Everyone has some issue with their loved one and dieting. My bf loves to give me advice like when to eat before and after my workouts so I can lose weight fast lol, so cute. He has seriously gotten his feelings hurt that I thought his advice was outdated and silly. So I have to be careful what I say.
  • jwdieter
    jwdieter Posts: 2,582 Member
    Well, if he's enjoying his ridiculous diet, good on him. Nothing you can really do about it.

    If he starts whining about it, send him here. He could be eating 2000+ per day and still lose quickly. Massive QOL improvement.
  • JanetP124
    JanetP124 Posts: 50 Member
    I'm not sure you'll like my answer but .... He's an adult. You've given your opinion and he's made a different choice. That really should be the end of it for now as far as I'm concerned. If he starts complaining to you about not feeling well or being frustrated with his results then by all mean say "I've seen so many posts on MFP about success with eating more to lose weight, maybe you should go read them and see how that works."

    But otherwise, nobody likes to be harassed about their weight or diet and I really don't see this as an emergency issue. Nearly everybody I know who's tried the really low calorie thing burns themselves out of that idea pretty quick all on their own and chances are pretty good your Fiance will too.

    Just concentrate on yourself and wish him well.
  • megsmom2
    megsmom2 Posts: 2,362 Member
    If what he does worked...he wouldn't be needing to do it again. Or try this hard. He's messed up his metabolism, I'm sure. However...he is an adult, and is perfectly entitled to be wrong if he wants to be.....
  • AmyRhubarb
    AmyRhubarb Posts: 6,890 Member
    Tell him this 45 year old chick eats more than he does, exercises less (in terms of cardio - give me weights!), and will have far more muscle & a better metabolism that he does if he continues down the path he's on. :bigsmile:
  • ClaudiaBette
    ClaudiaBette Posts: 38 Member
    I'm not sure you'll like my answer but .... He's an adult. You've given your opinion and he's made a different choice.

    I would have to agree with this^^^^^^

    This sounds like my sister. Lately, she's been doing those "crash" type diets where for 3 days you eat like 800 calories or something like that by living off tuna and 5 saltine crackers. I can't think of the name but I think she called it the military diet? I might be wrong.

    Anyway, she did it for her 3 days, saying she was starving..(duh)...then she did it for another 3 days, then another. Last I heard she's been on this "3" day diet for the past 3 weeks! It doesn't seem healthy to me at all since it's not a "lifestyle" type of change. And I would never tell her this but...she doesn't look like she's losing anything. Probably because after the "3" days, she's starving so much she gorges although I don't know that for sure. I told her to do like me, no fast food, cut back on carbs and move more. It's turned out to be a way I can live with forever.

    But nope, she wants to do these crash diets, lose like 10 lbs in 3 days only to gain 10 back plus another 10, then just crash diet again. On top of that, she's a bear to be around sometimes as she never wants to go anywhere where food is present and is grumpy because she can't eat. I can go to any restaurant I want (I just choose low carb meals like chicken and steamed veggies and pass on dinner rolls and desserts) and I don't try to make others around me feel bad for actually eating in front of me.

    I wash my hands of it with her and hope that maybe she'll learn from my example. Sometimes, some people are just really to stubborn to see what's right in front of them.
  • kathygolean
    kathygolean Posts: 24 Member
    If he's not seeing the scale move but clothes are fitting looser, it's time to get out the measuring tape and see the results of the workouts there. I also think he needs to eat back his calories, but this needs to be his choice alone. Is his Thyroid working like it should?
  • norahwynn
    norahwynn Posts: 862 Member
    Thanks for the reply's everyone. One thing I need to point out is I NEVER say anything to him about his weight. The only time we talk about it is when he brings it up, as he also does with me. Since I've started dating him, he's always been big, and it hasn't bothered me other than sometimes I worry about his health (though he seems as healthy as a horse).

    I will take the advice of the majority on this and just let him do his thing. My main reason for asking is that I just don't want him to get sick, or end up gaining all his weight back after he worked so hard to lose it.
  • lyndausvi
    lyndausvi Posts: 156 Member
    I'm not sure you'll like my answer but .... He's an adult. You've given your opinion and he's made a different choice.

    Yep.

    Not to be mean, but you just started this journey yourself. He might now see you as an 'expert' yet. Don't get me wrong, I get it. I only started about 6 weeks ago and lost 13lbs. DH just started on another site last Monday and has gained 2. I've read these and other boards and do way more other research than he has. I see what he is "doing wrong". However, he doesn't want to hear it from me.

    As frustrating as it might be, he has to figure it out on his own
  • sunnybear39
    sunnybear39 Posts: 60 Member
    Try to keep focus on your own success and weight loss. If he is not open there is nothing you can say. I would just shrug and say "I don't know, honey, I just know what has worked for me...." if all he is doing is cardio, he isn't experiencing benefits of the burn of weight training. Could suggest that as well? Good luck!
  • SpleenThief
    SpleenThief Posts: 293 Member
    ...I told him that the reason he has to lose weight now is because he did it the wrong way before and he gained it all back. Oh, but that wouldn't happen this time, he says. Ugh.

    Can someone please, in the simplest of terms, tell me a way that I can convince this man that eating more will aid in his weight loss (ugh...even though he's losing weight already).

    From a guy's perspective one of the greatest joys in life is being told repeatedly by my SO that I'm doing something wrong.
  • kellijauch
    kellijauch Posts: 379 Member
    Thanks for the reply's everyone. One thing I need to point out is I NEVER say anything to him about his weight. The only time we talk about it is when he brings it up, as he also does with me. Since I've started dating him, he's always been big, and it hasn't bothered me other than sometimes I worry about his health (though he seems as healthy as a horse).

    I will take the advice of the majority on this and just let him do his thing. My main reason for asking is that I just don't want him to get sick, or end up gaining all his weight back after he worked so hard to lose it.

    Express your concern to him. I'm sure he will listen to you if you show him that you are worried about him. Approach it not as telling him he's wrong or telling him how he should be doing it, approach it from the concerned girlfriend, worried about your health and wanting it to be sustainable and be happy during it aspect.

    Good luck!

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