A thread for humor

fat_forever · August 2010

I was looking at past threads and saw some that were humorous, so I figured it would be a good idea to have just one thread where people could post their jokes. Feel free to post any jokes you might have. To get it started, I'll post some.

How Fights Start:

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's d*mn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

lilac67 · August 2010

:laugh: Thanks, You just made my morning!!

maynard46 · August 2010

Love it! Cracked me up!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

johnthefatman · August 2010

Excellent :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

"Don't try to play the trumpet after taxing laxatives" - Humphrey Lyttleton RIP

fat_forever · August 2010

I just read in the local paper that a man fell into a re-upholstery machine and had to be hospitalized. Don't worry, he's fully re-covered.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does
this taste funny to you?"

A dyslexic man walked into a bra.....

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says, "Dam!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also
ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath. This made him..... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal!"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

fat_forever · August 2010

A rancher dies unexpectedly, and leaves the ranch to his very attractive, 50ish year old wife. Knowing that she can't handle the ranch all by herself, she puts an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two people answer the ad. One is a drunk, and the other is a gay guy. She decides to hire the gay guy, figuring that the drunk would be a problem.

The gay guy turns out to be a great choice. He is very reliable and does a good job with no complaints. After a few weeks, the widow is so impressed with his work that she gives him the weekend off to go into town and have fun. She decides to wait up for him, and is sitting in the living room reading a book.

At 12 midnight, he's not back.....1am and he's still not back....2am...nothing....then finally, he comes in at 2:30am. Walking into the house, he sees the widow in the living room. She gestures for him to come and join her. As he walks up to her, she puts her book down, and says to him in a soft voice, "I want you to take off my skirt". Feeling a bit nervous, he slowly removes her skirt.

"Now I want you to remove my blouse." Getting more nervous by the minute, he does as she asked and removes her blouse. "I want you to remove my shoes and stockings." Getting really nervous, he removes her shoes and stockings. "Now I want you to remove my bra." He does as she asked, and by now he is visibly shaking.

She motions for him to come close to her, and when he bends down close to her she says, "The next time you wear my clothes into town, you're fired."

fat_forever · August 2010

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.

Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives; then you'll be afraid to cough.

You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

fat_forever · August 2010

Anyone like blonde jokes?

Okay, here goes....A blonde woman decides to earn extra money by going door to door to see if anyone needs any odd jobs done. She comes to one house and asks the guy if he has any odd jobs that she can do. He says, yes he does. He wants his porch painted, and he has the paint.

She says that she'll be happy to paint his porch, so the guy hires her. After about and hour, the blonde walks into the house and tells the guy that she has finished. The guy finds it hard to believe that she's finished in less than an hour, and he asks her if she painted two coats, and she said she did.

He pays her and as she's leaving, she turns back to the guy and say, "Oh, by the way, it's not a porch, it's a Ferrari!"

A plane takes off for New York, and once the "Fasten Seat Belt" light goes off, this beautiful blonde gets up from her seat in coach, and walks up front and sits in a seat in the first class area.

The stewardess walks up to this woman and tells her that she can't sit there, and she has to go back and sit in her seat in coach, since she didn't pay for a first class seat. The blonde says, "Hey, I'm blonde and I'm beautiful! I'm going to New York and I'm not moving!"

The stewardess gets up and walks up to the cockpit and tells the co-pilot what is going on. The co-pilot walks back to the blonde and tells her that since she didn't pay for a first class seat, she has to go back to the coach section.

Again the blonde says, "Look, I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving!"

The co-pilot walks back to the cabin and tells the pilot that he needs to radio ahead and have the police waiting to arrest this woman since she won't go back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot turns around and sees the woman, and says, "Nah, she's a blonde. My ex-wife was a blonde. You need to know how to talk to them. I'll handle this."

The pilot walks back to the blonde, sits next to her, and whispers something in her ear. Without saying a word, the blonde gets up and goes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot then walks back to the cabin.

The co-pilot and stewardess are impressed. The co-pilot says, "That was amazing! She just got up and walked back to her seat without the slightest complaint! What did you say to her?"

"It was simple. I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York."

fat_forever · August 2010

A blonde decided she needed something new and different for a winter hobby. She went to the bookstore and bought every book she could find on ice fishing.

For weeks she read and studied, hoping to become an expert in the field. Finally she decided she knew enough and out she went for her first ice fishing trip. She carefully gathered up and packed all the tools and equipment needed for the excursion. Each piece of equipment had its own special place in her kit.

When she got to the ice, she found a quiet little area, placed her padded stool and carefully laid out her tools.

Just as she was about to make her first cut into the ice, a booming voice from the sky bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Startled, the blonde grabbed up all her belongings, moved further along the ice, poured some hot chocolate from her thermos, and started to cut a new hole.

Again the voice from above bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice!!"

Amazed, the blonde was not quite sure what to do as this certainly was not covered in any of her books. She packed up her gear and moved to the far side of the ice. Once there, she stopped for a few moments to regain her calm. Then she was extremely careful to set everything up perfectly--tools in the right place, chair positioned just so. Just as she was about to cut this new hole, the voice came again.

"There are no fish under the ice!!"

Petrified, the blonde looked skyward and asked, "Is that You, Lord?"

The voice boomed back, "NO THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE SKATING RINK!"

fat_forever · August 2010

More Blonde Jokes

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, 'What's the story?'

He replies, 'Just cr4p in the carburetor'

She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'

'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

IN A VACUUM

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

fat_forever · August 2010

An older fellow buys a small farm that has a pond surrounded by fruit trees. One summer day he decides to see if there is any fruit to pick, so he grabs a bucket and walks down to the pond. As he approaches the pond, he hears laughter and splashing. He can see that there are several young ladies skinny dipping in his pond, so he makes some noise to make them aware of his presence.

The young women quickly move to the deep end of the pond and stare at him as he approaches the nearby fruit trees. One woman finally yells out to him, "We are not coming out until you leave!"

The old guy yells back, "I didn't come down here to see a bunch of naked women swimming in my pond!" He holds up the bucket and says, "I came down here to feed the alligator!"

fat_forever · August 2010

Okay, now for a bad joke.

Three ropes (yes, three pieces of rope) are standing on a city street corner talking. It's a warm summer day, so rope #1 says that he is going to go across the street to the corner bar and get a beer. He leaves his two friends there and goes over to the bar. He walks up the steps, goes into the bar, walks up front to the counter and sits down. He orders a beer. The bartender looks at him, points to a sign on the wall and yells, "Can't you read? The sign says 'NO ROPES ALLOWED!" Get out of my bar!"

Stunned, the rope leaves the bar and joins his two friends on the corner and tells them what happened. Rope #2 can't believe this, so he walks over to the bar, goes up the steps and into the bar. He wants to see this for himself. As he walks towards the counter, he doesn't get halfway there before the bartender yells at him...."Can't any of you ropes read? The sign says NO ROPES ALLOWED, so get out of my bar. Shocked, rope #2 leaves the bar to join his two friends and tell them what happened.

Now they are determined to get a beer from this bartender, so they try to think of a way to get one. Rope #3 says he has an idea. He walks over to a lamp post and starts beating himself up against it until he's all stringy and frayed looking, then he walks over to the bar, goes up the steps, but before he walks in, he ties himself into a big knot, then he goes inside.

He walks up the counter, sits down and orders a beer. The bartender eyes him suspiciously, but gets him a beer. As the bartender sets the beer in front of him, he says to the rope, "HEY, ARE YOU A ROPE?"

To which the rope replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."

fat_forever · September 2010

Some actual Dear Abby letters:

Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me.
One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a
social worker in her mid twenties. These two women
go everywhere together and I've never seen a man
go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they
could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,

What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,

I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,
I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman
who has been on the pill for two years.
It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but
I don't know him well enough to discuss
money with him.

Dear Abby,

I've suspected that my husband
has been fooling around, and
when confronted with the
evidence, he denied everything
and said it would never
happen again.

Dear Abby,

Our son writes that he is
taking Judo. Why would a
boy who was raised in a good
Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,

I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.
Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,

My forty-year old son has been
paying a psychiatrist
$100.00 an hour every week for
two and a half years.
He must be crazy..

Dear Abby,

I was married to Bill for three
months and I didn't know he
drank until one night he
came home sober.

Dear Abby,

My mother is mean and short
tempered. I think she is going through
mental pause.

Dear Abby,

You told some woman whose
husband had lost all interest
in sex to send him to a doctor.
Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor.
Now what do I do?

fat_forever · September 2010

Only in America ...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport, the terminal?

fat_forever · September 2010

The Husband Store

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. (scroll and keep reading!)

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

fat_forever · September 2010

Ponderings....

Are there any undiscovered colors?

What was "The Best Thing" before sliced bread?

When signmakers go on strike, how do they make their point?

How many men would it take to kill an elephant with their bare hands?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why is marmalade not called orange jam?

Why do evil villains always include ventilation shafts in their strongholds? Do they never learn?

Is there any place on Earth, where, for any reason, the sun doesn't shine?

Why do people write to their diaries in the second person, as in "Dear Diary"?

Where is the middle of nowhere?

If a deaf man goes to court, is it still called a hearing?

Who copyrighted the copyright symbol?

Why do round pizzas come in square boxes?

If you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant, what do you do?

Tarzan always looked very sleek and well-kempt, despite being raised by apes. How come he doesn't have a beard?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

What do NASA scientists say instead of, "It's not rocket science, you know."?

Is it a cliche to say that a phrase is "something of a cliche"?

How much can you get away with and still go to Heaven?

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Do stupid people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Is it possible for a person to be a closet claustrophobe?

raymj61 · September 2010

You've heard of the morning after pill right?.................................yeah, or as I like to call it, breakfast in bed.

My bank now offers 24 hr banking but, who's got that much time?

I saw a wino eating grapes. I said dude, you gotta wait.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I never forget a face but in your case, I'll make an exception

The sign said breakfast anytime, so ordered French Toast from the Renaisance

I've been in love with the same woman for 40 years. If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me.

Blossom01 · September 2010

I was looking at past threads and saw some that were humorous, so I figured it would be a good idea to have just one thread where people could post their jokes. Feel free to post any jokes you might have. To get it started, I'll post some.

How Fights Start:

My wife sat down on the seat next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on the TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

******************************************

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds..'

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started....

******************************************

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her some place expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

******************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too..'

And then the fight started....

******************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

******************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

******************************************

A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replied, 'Your eyesight's d*mn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

lol!!!!:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

weaklink109 · September 2010

In keeping with the philosophy "ya can't eat if your laughing" ..... another joke:

You Can’t Beat A Dead Horse (For Fun And Profit)

Young Chuck in Montana bought a horse from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the horse died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse.":noway:

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can,:noway: Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.":smokin: :drinker: :drinker:

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Chuck grew up and now works for the government. He's the one who figured out how this "bail-out" is going to work.:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

raymj61 · September 2010

I finally had time to read most of these the other night. Props to all of you. There's some good stuff in this thread.

You know you're old when pulling an all nighter means you didn't get up to pee

So, how did a fool and his money get together in the first place?

Why do kamikazi pilots wear helmets?

My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days, then the mud fell off

I married Mrs. Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months, I don't like to interrupt her.

NYJetsFan · September 2010

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

weaklink109 · September 2010

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?

The guy who made the call was blonde, right? :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

weaklink109 · September 2010

Today I took a friend out for a late lunch and an adult beverage, as she has had some major stress in her life and needed to relax. We were sitting in the bar at Applebee's and the manager, a pleasant fellow, was talking with us.

At one point, we were discussing what to order, and he made some suggestions that sounded very calorically dangerous, so I asked him: "Are you really the devil in disguise?" :noway:

Without a moment's hesitation, he replied, "I don't know, but you could ask either of my ex-wives!!!":laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

NYJetsFan · September 2010

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food."
The panda yells back, "Hey, man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary to panda: "A tree-climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

fat_forever · September 2010

Dog vs Wife

Why Some Men Have Dogs And Not Wives:

1. The later you are,the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk...

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask," If i died,would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies,you can put an add in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert...

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.Then open it and see who's happier to see you. <g>

Shannon023 · September 2010

Excellent :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

"Don't try to play the trumpet after taxing laxatives" - Humphrey Lyttleton RIP

LOL!

A thread for humor

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