Having trouble getting my friends/family to support me

lucygoosyyy
lucygoosyyy Posts: 15
in Motivation and Support
Using this site, eating healthy, and exercising as often as I'm able to is a part of a lifestyle I really enjoy. It isn't just to lose weight. I still live with my parents, being that I'm only 18 and still in school, and it's hard to be with a family that is not at the same fitness level at all. My mom is pretty much the only person in my life that supports my healthiness and actually joins in with me a majority of the time. Her and I like the same foods and go hiking together all the time. But like I said she's not the problem. My dad and brother both eat junk food, extremely large portions, and enjoy sitting around playing video games, watching tv, etc. I wouldn't have a problem with that if my dad didnt constantly complain about his weight and badger me about how my food is "too expensive", I "eat like a bird", and even as far as accusing me of being anorexic. I understand that he is older & doesn't have the motivation to do anything with himself after having gone through his second divorce (with my mom), but what I don't understand is why he's trying to make me feel bad about making good decisions in my life just because he can't. He doesn't believe that I'm trying to look fit for myself and accuses me of being a shallow person who is only trying to get more attention from guys. This really makes me sad because I have no idea where any of this came from. I'm sorry dad that I can't eat multiple servings of already large portions, I'm so sorry that I get full (and hungry) very easily, but I don't know what you want me to do about it. I've tried telling him how I feel and then he tells me that I'm being overly sensitive and he's "just joking" but I know him well enough to know when he is and isn't joking. What should I do?
Another one of my problems is when I'm hanging out with friends. They'll roll their eyes and whatnot if I pass on an extra dessert, and say "YOLO"...but that's exactly my point, why would I want to eat a bunch of processed foods that aren't as enjoyable as they think (in my opinion) and aren't good for my health on top of it. That's right, I only live once so I wanna make sure I'm taking care of myself so that I can enjoy my life longer. They don't seem to understand though. It's not like I'm trying to change the way they eat so why are they making an issue out of what I'm doing for myself? I also feel weird about staying at other people's houses too. I don't want to be rude, picky, or high maintenance, but I would rather bring my own groceries and make my own food so that I know exactly what I'm eating. But the issue is that I feel really rude to do that and feel like they'll assume I think I'm "too good" for what they have to offer.
Any input would be extremely helpful. These are problems I've been struggling with for awhile.

Replies

  • grimendale
    grimendale Posts: 2,153 Member
    This is pretty common, unfortunately. People get uncomfortable and defensive when they see someone making healthy choices and changes they themselves are not. They start to feel guilty about being unhealthy and either decide to make a change or get angry at the person making them feel guilty. Too many people choose the latter. Often, this anger gets expressed as insulting comments and attempts to sabotage progress. If the healthy person can't keep up with their choices and backslides, it justifies their decision to remain unhealthy. That's probably why your dad is making such comments. If you have an eating disorder or are just being shallow, it allows him to keep being unhealthy without having to feel bad about it since clearly you are actually being more unhealthy. You might also be getting backlash due to your parents divorce. It is not uncommon for parents to use their kids as pawns in a power struggle between the two adults (often without admitting or realizing they are doing so). Your friends are likely similar, but coupled with the imagined invincibility of youth. A lot of people don't see any point in worrying about the future at that age - leave future problems for future you to deal with. You are making the healthy and responsible decision, and that forces them to think about their own decisions; people don't like to be made to think. Many of the people on MFP have dealt with similar when we first lost the weight. Most of the time, people get used to your decisions and stop commenting about them eventually. Try not to let it get to you (difficult, I know).

    And for the record, YOLO is a gross misunderstanding of the idea of "carpe diem"; your interpretation is actually the original meaning. The philosophy embraced the idea that since you only live once, you should get as much out of life as possible. This didn't mean making stupid decisions just to do them, but instead meant making good choices such that one could have a long, happy and healthy life rich in experiences. Keep up the healthy choices, and seize the day.
  • FifiFrizzle
    FifiFrizzle Posts: 7
    This is a tough one and I think you shouldn't have to cope with it alone. My suggestion is you go to your school or college counsellor and get them to help you find a gracious way of dealing with the messages that you are getting in a way that stops the harassment and reassures the people making the comments. That will be as helpful to you in the long term as the efforts you are making with your food and exercise.
    People don't like those around them to change, they do tend to try to make them change back. This has nothing to do with you and you shouldn't have to worry about it.
    As for your Dad, well, just read what you have said he is commenting about. Is it really about the food, or is it about the fact that you are growing into a young woman?
    As for staying at other people's houses, I do think it is rude to bring your own groceries and turn up your nose at the food offered, and to make a problem for your hosts. But it is beng a good guest to contribute some foods for everyone to share, and that is your opportunity to bring along some foods, fruits, a dessert, dips,that you feel good about eating, too. I always taught my children to try a little of everything they were offered, and I think that is all that is required when you are having dinner at someone else,s house. You can always fill up with something beforehand if you are really worried, but really, what is the long term harm in eating a little of what someone has prepared for you? And of course if you find being a guest difficult, you have the option of not staying, or arriving after dinner - or for dessert, even bringing it with you.
    Hope this helps.
  • lucygoosyyy
    lucygoosyyy Posts: 15
    That's probably why your dad is making such comments. If you have an eating disorder or are just being shallow, it allows him to keep being unhealthy without having to feel bad about it since clearly you are actually being more unhealthy. You might also be getting backlash due to your parents divorce. It is not uncommon for parents to use their kids as pawns in a power struggle between the two adults (often without admitting or realizing they are doing so).

    Thank you, I really appreciated much of your response! I was only confused on this one little part because I didn't know if you were telling me I'm unhealthy and have an eating disorder or if you we're saying that's what he assumes about me to make himself feel better. I didn't think you did because at the end you were telling me to continue in my healthy choices.
    But yeah, what he's saying isn't hurting me because I'm secure in myself and what I believe in, but I've just been trying to get to the root of the problem from someone else's opinion other than mine. So thanks again!
  • lucygoosyyy
    lucygoosyyy Posts: 15
    As for staying at other people's houses, I do think it is rude to bring your own groceries and turn up your nose at the food offered, and to make a problem for your hosts. But it is beng a good guest to contribute some foods for everyone to share, and that is your opportunity to bring along some foods, fruits, a dessert, dips,that you feel good about eating, too. I always taught my children to try a little of everything they were offered, and I think that is all that is required when you are having dinner at someone else,s house. You can always fill up with something beforehand if you are really worried, but really, what is the long term harm in eating a little of what someone has prepared for you? And of course if you find being a guest difficult, you have the option of not staying, or arriving after dinner - or for dessert, even bringing it with you.
    Hope this helps.

    It really did and I thank you so much for the points you made. I should be less dramatic and it's true that one or two meals won't kill me, though I should've altered the post to say I bring groceries when I stay for 2+ nights. Most of my friends aren't health conscious and the ones who are eat out (which I cannot afford) so that's another reason why I bring extra food.
    Also it was a great tip for eating before going to a dinner at a friend's house for someone who is better at exercising self control. I've gotten much better with it but usually even if I'm a bit full, I digest really quickly and would want to join in on eating with my friends. It's not that I'm opposed to the food they offer, I just like to have alternatives because it's easier to lose the craving for junk food the less I eat it.
  • grimendale
    grimendale Posts: 2,153 Member
    That's probably why your dad is making such comments. If you have an eating disorder or are just being shallow, it allows him to keep being unhealthy without having to feel bad about it since clearly you are actually being more unhealthy. You might also be getting backlash due to your parents divorce. It is not uncommon for parents to use their kids as pawns in a power struggle between the two adults (often without admitting or realizing they are doing so).

    Thank you, I really appreciated much of your response! I was only confused on this one little part because I didn't know if you were telling me I'm unhealthy and have an eating disorder or if you we're saying that's what he assumes about me to make himself feel better. I didn't think you did because at the end you were telling me to continue in my healthy choices.
    But yeah, what he's saying isn't hurting me because I'm secure in myself and what I believe in, but I've just been trying to get to the root of the problem from someone else's opinion other than mine. So thanks again!

    Sorry if that was unclear. I can't see your diary, so I have no real idea, but you said you are being healthy, so I assume you are. I didn't mean to imply anything to the contrary.
  • lmsky12
    lmsky12 Posts: 32
    I had the same problem when I lived at home. It was even to the point where I had to buy my own food, because he refused to buy it. He said if I didn't eat what they did, then I would have to pay for my own food. Now that I'm older, I wonder if you might try to cook a delicious, but healthy meal for your family. Maybe sharing healthy, but yummy alternatives with them will make them feel included, rather than being pushed away, if that makes sense. I'm not saying you're actually pushing them away, but maybe trying to encourage them to be healthy too and showing them that you are being healthy would help foster better communication. You could even offer to workout with your dad, go for a run together or go to the gym together or something. At the end of the day though, you have to worry about yourself. If you try to include them, but they still are abrasive, just keep going yourself and living a healthy lifestyle, and maybe eventually, you'll motivate them to get off their butts and be healthy too. Good luck! :)
  • NatureChik1985
    NatureChik1985 Posts: 79
    You are lucky you are able to live at home and go to school. You are living in someone elses home. If they buy the groceries then they can buy what ever they want. If it is an issue for you then make your own money and by your own groceries. You also need to learn how to be your own support. Being family doesn't always mean they will support you. You will make it further if you support and motivate yourself. Never pressure anyone about their health. If your dad and bro don't go want to change then let them be. If you don't then you might just push them away.
  • Codefox
    Codefox Posts: 308 Member
    You shouldn't feel bad about taking your own food to other people's homes. I have very few friends who make good decisions about their health and I don't see any need to eat junk just because that's all they can offer. A good host should have food that their guests want to eat. I always make sure to buy food for all guests, not just based on what I want to eat.
  • belinus
    belinus Posts: 112 Member
    I am in your same situation. I finally had to say "screw it" and I took over a shelf in the fridge and I buy my own groceries. Our family meal is dinner so I will generally eat what is prepared. It has caused some arguments but I stand my ground and considering since June 1st I have recorded a drop of 37 pounds I throw that back at the complaints and criticism.

    As for your brother/father, their attitude is jealousy manifesting itself. Don't feel bad because you are taking care of yourself.
  • stephaniemejia1671
    stephaniemejia1671 Posts: 482 Member
    I have learned since starting MFP and changing my lifestyle pretty much, that the rest of the world will not change with me. I have learned that some people just have no interest in eating better or being more active - it's their choice, who am I to tell them otherwise? I have learned to be my own support system, I would suggest the same. Don't let those who are unmotivated to better themselves hold you back, what you CAN do is inspire them to change.
  • jljshoe1979
    jljshoe1979 Posts: 325 Member
    I have learned since starting MFP and changing my lifestyle pretty much, that the rest of the world will not change with me. I have learned that some people just have no interest in eating better or being more active - it's their choice, who am I to tell them otherwise? I have learned to be my own support system, I would suggest the same. Don't let those who are unmotivated to better themselves hold you back, what you CAN do is inspire them to change.

    I like the quote above...it's the way the world works. Also, some people feel threatened by others success. Maybe you having a healthy lifestyle is bringing out the insecurities in your other family members.
  • janinealfke
    janinealfke Posts: 93
    You are not being rude. You do what you have to to keep yourself healthy! It's their loss. You can get your support from your mom and us here on myfitnesspal! We'll have your back. I don't eat processed foods anymore either. I have had weight loss surgery and I literally HAVE to take my own food when I go to visit other people. I have to eat differently, so it's easier for me. But the simple fact that you are trying to be smart is in your favor. You just keep on doing what you are doing and let others reap what they sew. You can't make them change....so just take care of you!!! You've got this!!

    Janine Alfke
  • scarrie2
    scarrie2 Posts: 80 Member
    People being negative about your progress or healthy lifestyle is just their frustration with themselves that they can't do it. although you can't escape it, try to remember that the person putting you down is only doing it because they're down on themselves.

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