When You're Judged By Those You Least Expect

miss_j3ss
miss_j3ss Posts: 11
in Chit-Chat
I'm curious to know if this has ever happened to anyone else...or if maybe I am getting way too into my feelings (as my fiance said - I should just brush it off, does it REALLY matter?)

I met my best friend over ten years ago and we've been inseparable ever since. We grew up together, went through every life changing girl moment together, etc. Her family is like my family and vice versa. I mean, we might as well be sisters.

And because we always did things together...the same things would always happen to us...usually within weeks or months of each other. We got cars around the same time, we moved out around the same time, we graduated around the same time, we got engaged around the same time and she just got married...I'm getting married this September. Never has it ever crossed my mind that either one of us has copied each other. Some things would happen for me first, some things would happen for her first. We have always chalked it up to the universe doing work in our lives.

Yesterday, I stopped by my best friends moms house to deliver a few goodies...Her mom was there as was she with her husband. As I stepped out to the rest room, I overheard her mom ranting to my best friends husband about how I'm always "copying and trying to one up her daughter". He agreed. It hurt. Bad. One, I would never...and two...that someone I considered like my second mom would say that.

I guess where I'm going with this is...am I too old to care at this point? Am I getting way too into my feelings? Should I just let it go and slowly detach? I feel sad. She was definitely the last person I thought would judge me...weird.

Replies

  • spade117
    spade117 Posts: 2,466 Member
    I assume everyone judges me.


    I judge everyone else.
  • LorinaLynn
    LorinaLynn Posts: 13,247 Member
    The mother is not your friend, your friend is. :smile:

    Sometimes moms get weirdly competitive, and that has nothing to do with what your friend actually thinks.
  • griff7809
    griff7809 Posts: 611 Member
    The mother is not your friend, your friend is. :smile:

    Sometimes moms get weirdly competitive, and that has nothing to do with what your friend actually thinks.

    ^^this^^

    Blow it off!

    I would add, her husband (speaking from experience) will agree with almost anything the mother-in-law says just to stave off any possible drama. I would argue that was probably what he was doing. If I were you, my give a *kitten* factor would only be affected by what your best freind thinks. Not her husband or her mother.
  • justicer68
    justicer68 Posts: 1,223
    The mother is not your friend, your friend is. :smile:

    Sometimes moms get weirdly competitive, and that has nothing to do with what your friend actually thinks.

    ^^this^^

    Blow it off!

    I would add, her husband (speaking from experience) will agree with almost anything the mother-in-law says just to stave off any possible drama. I would argue that was probably what he was doing. If I were you, my give a *kitten* factor would only be affected by what your best freind thinks. Not her husband or her mother.

    ^^^These are very true statements.
  • miss_j3ss
    miss_j3ss Posts: 11
    Thanks guys. Not sure why I let it get to me. Nor do I know how to even bring it up to my best friend.

    People will judge, I suppose.
  • joolywooly33
    joolywooly33 Posts: 421 Member
    I would ignore - but if it really bothers you, tell your friend and watch her reaction. You will know if she feel the same!!!:huh:
  • SkinnyMel78
    SkinnyMel78 Posts: 434 Member
    don't let it get you down. It's her mom's opinion not hers. But if it bothers you that much maybe you should say something to her or her mom just so it doesn't burden you. :smile:
  • mandasalem
    mandasalem Posts: 346 Member
    A grown woman who thinks someone's being a "copycat" has a way sadder life than anyone she's judging. Don't worry about it. (I know that's easier said than done.)
  • ajroberts11
    ajroberts11 Posts: 29 Member
    Whether or not to bring it up with your friend depends on your relationship with her, and her relationship with her mom.

    If you feel the trust and openness with your friend still, you can ask, "I overheard your mom say this. It hurt, and I wanted to check with you to see if you feel the same." If she doesn't, then brush it off. But if she does, it may open a much needed conversation.

    But if you think it will cause drama between her and her mom, you may want to just hold your tongue, and withdraw in your relationship and how much you share with the mom... but not change your relationship with your friend.
  • Queenb1212
    Queenb1212 Posts: 108 Member
    To be honest, if you and your friend have been together that long, you have seen her mother's behavior before. The hurting part is you never thought she would do it to YOU. Sometimes family and close friends can be the worst kind of hurt.

    I've experienced what I'm saying to you. It's the truth, deal with it (positive manner). Everything you put out to others comes full circle. Hers may be negative, let yours be positive.
  • pjpistek
    pjpistek Posts: 9 Member
    Speaking from experience (married 30 years) I had friends who I thought would be there for the rest of my life. The minute I or they got married things changed. If she is meant to be your friend for life she will work it out. If she follows their lead its bye bye. It will hurt but you need to be with people who love and support you. It hurts when they don't and you will miss her if she drifts away but life takes you where it does.
    I dont agree to tell your friend about her Mom. It may drive a wedge between the two of you. She may have been saying these things to her all along and your friend ignores her. Her new husband agreeing isnt a good thing but he may be appearing to agree with her to avoid being bullied by her. This woman sounds toxic and not your "second Mom." avoid her and avoid confronting her, it will just bring drama. Drama you dont need before your big day. Have a wonderful wedding and good luck to you!
  • MFPRat
    MFPRat Posts: 201 Member
    The mother is not your friend, your friend is. :smile:

    Sometimes moms get weirdly competitive, and that has nothing to do with what your friend actually thinks.

    ^^this^^

    Blow it off!

    I would add, her husband (speaking from experience) will agree with almost anything the mother-in-law says just to stave off any possible drama. I would argue that was probably what he was doing. If I were you, my give a *kitten* factor would only be affected by what your best freind thinks. Not her husband or her mother.

    ^^^^^
    This says it all. It was hurtful and it will sting for awhile, but I would just brush it off. Live your fabulous life...success is the best revenge.
  • mlrodgers381
    mlrodgers381 Posts: 71 Member
    If you do decide to confront the mom and just ask her why she would say that, because it really hurt you...I would make sure that it is just the two of you. You don't want to get into a situation where the mom feels, "ganged up on", she might become defensive. Also you will have to consider that maybe the mom was just having a bad day, and although it wasn't right, she chose to "outlet" her bad day on you. Sometimes people say things because they are angry about something else, and they use the nearest scape goat to make themselves feel better. I don't know her mom, so I don't know her personality, so I can't be sure...it's just a thought. Good luck...I would feel the exact same way as you in this situation.
  • ♥ChUbByCoyLe♥
    ♥ChUbByCoyLe♥ Posts: 267 Member
    Speaking from experience (married 30 years) I had friends who I thought would be there for the rest of my life. The minute I or they got married things changed. If she is meant to be your friend for life she will work it out. If she follows their lead its bye bye. It will hurt but you need to be with people who love and support you. It hurts when they don't and you will miss her if she drifts away but life takes you where it does.
    I dont agree to tell your friend about her Mom. It may drive a wedge between the two of you. She may have been saying these things to her all along and your friend ignores her. Her new husband agreeing isnt a good thing but he may be appearing to agree with her to avoid being bullied by her. This woman sounds toxic and not your "second Mom." avoid her and avoid confronting her, it will just bring drama. Drama you dont need before your big day. Have a wonderful wedding and good luck to you!

    I agree, she does sound toxic. Why didn't she keep her opinions to herself and voice them whilst you were in the house? Obviously wanted to hurt you.

    I would act as though nothing has happened...slowly detach yourself from her. Sounds like a very nasty person. Just glad you've found out what she's like sooner rather than later.

    Congrats on your wedding, have a fab day xx
  • SimplyDenyse
    SimplyDenyse Posts: 124 Member
    At that very moment you should have said, 'Im sorry I never thought of it as me trying to 1 up her' it would have put them on the spot. maybe you can go to your friend and talk to her and tell her what you over heard and ask if she feels the same way. Assure her that was never your intention. Sometimes killing with kindness gets to people more than anything. After that id brush it off and not let it bother you. Those are thier assumptions and not the truth so it really doesn't matter after that.
  • britttttx3
    britttttx3 Posts: 458
    I wouldn't worry about it, that's an extremely immature thing to say about someone. Tell them stop being so full of theirselves!!
  • ldrosophila
    ldrosophila Posts: 7,512 Member
    She's your best friend talk to her about it.
  • miss_j3ss
    miss_j3ss Posts: 11
    Thanks everyone!
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,990 Member
    1. Don't fall for drama.
    2. Husbands usually agree with wives on just about anything to avoid arguing.
    3. Good thing you aren't marrying your best friend's brother.

    A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness industry for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • xxnellie146xx
    xxnellie146xx Posts: 996 Member
    The mother is not your friend, your friend is. :smile:

    Sometimes moms get weirdly competitive, and that has nothing to do with what your friend actually thinks.

    This.

    Talk to your friend about it if it bothers you. Plus it's probably good to get it off your chest so you don't feel weird around your friend.
  • Absonthebrain
    Absonthebrain Posts: 587 Member
    The mother is not your friend, your friend is. :smile:

    Sometimes moms get weirdly competitive, and that has nothing to do with what your friend actually thinks.

    This!!^ My mom has judged all the friends I have EVER had but I dont listen to her cause they are my friend not hers! :flowerforyou:
  • SchroederNJ
    SchroederNJ Posts: 189 Member
    Maybe you should just show her and get pregnant first ... ha ha
  • chunkydunk714
    chunkydunk714 Posts: 784 Member
    I got judged for burning 20 calories by masterbating for 20 minutes and lost a few friends....

    Hey...its coo' ....no hard feelings

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