Advice.

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vanillagirl86
vanillagirl86 Posts: 12 Member
in Chit-Chat
I know this isnt a relationship site but it is filled with lots of people that are struggling with probaly many problems that led to the journey of weight loss and i need some MAJOR advice i dont even know who to turn too.

I am 23 years old married 2 years. I lost my job 6 months ago and finaly have found a new job. During the time off work I had become my husbands slave trying to make myself useful to him. I would clean cook even laid his clothes out for him everyday. Now I am working again and want to get back the respect i lost while catering to him and bending over backwards for him. I want to make my own decisions. He will not be okay with this. I say I am going to have a drink today because I finaly have a few days off and I am not allowd too. I do not tell him he cant drink when i am at work. I try to explain in the nicest way that we are partners we dont control each other. his response is "he owns this house, he is the work horse of the family, and has paid for everything" He is pretty much telling me he owns me and dont deserve to do as i want because i havent earned that because i had a 6 month vacation and the 1 month i have worked doesnt make up for that. How do i respond to this? How do i get back the respect i lost?

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  • Kminor67
    Kminor67 Posts: 900 Member
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    If he can't give you respect, he doesn't deserve you. Tell him so.
  • BeautifulScarsWECHANGED
    BeautifulScarsWECHANGED Posts: 749 Member
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    OMG. A nice kick in the *kitten* ought to do it! :laugh:
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
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    I would suggest couples counseling. You can suggest it by expressing to him (calmly) that those statements hurt you and that counseling can help sort out any negativity you both may have.

    I think a different perspective may not necessarily be a loss of respect, but he might have also enjoyed having you be a housewife. Now that he doesn't have that anymore he's unsure of how exactly to express it.

    Of course he could also be a **** that needs a swift kick out the door.

    Counseling should help sort that out.
  • ♥Faerie♥
    ♥Faerie♥ Posts: 14,053 Member
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    Respect should not be judged by someone's paycheck...is that all he sees? You guys are partners, EQUAL no matter the pay rate, no matter if one of you does not have a job....It sounds as if he is very controlling, and that is not what a relationship is suppose to be about. It almost seems as if you have lost your self respect in all this to, so maybe work on getting that back 1st, and stand up for yourself, no one should be in control of you but you....♥
  • TheKitsune6
    TheKitsune6 Posts: 5,798 Member
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    You also might want to be careful about how offensive you are being when you refer to house wives as "slaves". Many women on this forum are housewives and have a fine partnership with their husbands. My mother was a housewife and when I have kids I plan on being a SAHM. It's a perfectly noble and respectable position to hold.

    Maybe the respect you lost was respect for yourself? Again... perspective.
  • christinafpdx
    christinafpdx Posts: 27
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    “When I dare to be powerful - to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid”


    I bet he wouldn't like it if a man was treating his mother that way.
  • vanillagirl86
    vanillagirl86 Posts: 12 Member
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    Thanks for the advice, i am sure down the road i have lost respect for myself. and of course i dont think house wives are slaves i did it for 6 months its not a easy job. I was just putting it as i feel my husband saw me and i guess how i felt about it. my mother was always a stay at home mother so no disrespect for house wives at all.
  • SJT75
    SJT75 Posts: 134
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    Ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed? in this day and age he could be out of work next and would he be happy if you didn't respect him! losing your job is bad luck it doesn't make you any less of a person.

    Good luck and i hope things work out for you :smile:
  • HealthyChanges2010
    HealthyChanges2010 Posts: 5,831 Member
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    You also might want to be careful about how offensive you are being when you refer to house wives as "slaves". Many women on this forum are housewives and have a fine partnership with their husbands. My mother was a housewife and when I have kids I plan on being a SAHM. It's a perfectly noble and respectable position to hold.

    Maybe the respect you lost was respect for yourself? Again... perspective.
    I agree with your thoughts on this.... losing respect for ourselves can be a tough place to be at. It can make others around us begin to treat us like we treat ourselves...
  • hplvt
    hplvt Posts: 62
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    That's a tough spot! I am sorry. I had a similar issue while my husband was in recruit school- I did everyting so he could focus on getting through the mental and physical tests he had everyday. I was pregnant and he finished as I was about to *pop* I was still doing everything. I felt horrible and he had no clue. I finally went off. I very firmly laid out what was appropirate behavior in OUR marriage. (and when I say firmly, I mean I kicked a hole in the wall...we decided it was "placenta demencia"- I don't reccomend that :wink: ) It's different for everyone. I would reccomend talking to him, be firm if you have to, this is a team effort, it can't work with one person bossing you around. You don't have to earn the right to do anything! You also don't owe anyone anything!
    If it gets tough go to a therapist- alone if you have to! My husband and I still go see one occasionally just to make sure we don't go down a bad path, it helps a lot!
  • DeathIsMyGift
    DeathIsMyGift Posts: 434 Member
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    sucks.
  • RoadDog
    RoadDog Posts: 2,946 Member
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    That's total crap. Marriage is a partnership and supporting each other in tough times is a priority. Using your hardship as leverage to garner control is bullsh*t.

    I wouldn't put up with it, My wife wouldn't put up with it, my daughters wouldn't put up with it and your shouldn't put up with it either.

    Lay it on the line. Better to find out now than live with it for life.
  • tater8589
    tater8589 Posts: 616
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    Ok, well I grew up with a single mom and myself. I am pretty independant and may not give the best advice: However... I have been known to tell my husband and a few ex's that "I grew up with out a father, and I sure as hell don't need you to be one now" and other variations of that. Personally I think he is being a jerk, in todays economy it wasn't your choice to lose your job and its really hard to find jobs. I wouldn't put up with it. I have even reached a point with my ex where I told him he was a big boy and he could do it himself. I have also made my husband start helping me around the house, we both work (he has longer days but fewer per week) and I can't do it all. If he expected me to do it all... Then he better bring home a hell of a lot more money so I can stay at home, lol.

    Well, Good Luck. Don't put up with more s* than you have to.
  • chelekaz
    chelekaz Posts: 871 Member
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    I would try to talk to him. Explain that if you hadn't been not working that you wouldn't have been able to do all the things that were done around the house and for him. That although you were not bringing home a paycheck that you were still maintaining the family needs. Show him how going back to work does not mean that you are still not there for him but that he is also going to have to pitch in.

    If he does not listed, and he might not, then you need to decide if it is important to have his respect or just to have him. If you need the mutual love and respect try to go to counseling. The worse thing to do is give ultimatums. They don't work, they backfire and in the end make everything worse. I'm not saying you would... just saying I don't suggest it.

    I would also tell him the next time he says that you cannot have a drink that you are of age, and that as adult you can decide when it is time for a drink. (Now, I don't know you so if you are an alcoholic and he is trying to help you then obviously disregard).

    I'm here if you ever want to private mail me!
  • tierra85
    tierra85 Posts: 300 Member
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    i just read why men love b@tches and why men marry b@tches. I loved them both. It could give some ideas if you like to read! I'd kick his *kitten*! You dont deserve to be treated like that, job or no job. Take your life back. Respect yourself! If he cant handle it then he doesnt deserve you anyways!!

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