It's my one year anniversary....

I have been on MFP for more than a year, but it's been an official year since I took my life back into my own hands and my own control.

I remember this time last year as if it were yesterday. I had just closed 2 shows at the theater, and my mom called me to tell me congrats on the shows, and see what I was doing for the rest of my summer before classes started again. She called me right when I was walking up a flight of stairs, so I told her I would call her back once I got to my destination and caught my breath. When I called back I told her I probably would try and clean my house really well but nothing much than that, and she suggested I go to the pool, it was a nice summer.....I got choked up and held back the tears when I told her I wouldn't be caught dead in a swimming suit at the pool.

About a week later it was my 22nd birthday. All my friends wanted to go out and I agreed although I wasn't exactly excited because I knew even though I was the birthday girl, I still would be overlook by all the other bar goers for my more attractive friends. I remember a tear rolling down my cheek as I was getting ready staring at the girl in the mirror, I hated everything I saw. And of course my worse fear happened, we got the bar and a few guys started to check us out...well my friends out, once they saw me they looked me in the face and said, "umm...never mind" as they gave me a once over, and then left.

At that moment I realized I had been blaming my weight gain on everything, everyone, and every excuse and enough was enough. Although I didn't particularly care the guy at the bar didn't find me attractive, it was deeper. I didn't find myself attractive and it showed. I was squeezing into 12's and 14's and to cover the muffin top would buy oversized shirts. I stopped wearing makeup and fixing my hair, and painting my nails. I simply didn't find myself beautiful and I figured if I couldn't even like myself who else could, and why even bother trying.

July 22, 2012 I downloaded C25K app, laced up my tennis shoes and started day 1. I finished the first month just before classes started and could finally comfortably fit back into 12's. Then I started cleaning up my diet, if in 4 weeks I could go from a sardine in my jeans to comfortable, what could happen if I really started eating better...and MORE! Yeah, I was that girl eating maybe 1000 calories a day and confused why I had no energy. By christmas of 2012 I was down to a snug size 10. I started getting bored and hit a major plateau from 1/13-4/14. By April of this year I had managed to go down another 1/2 size. I was a true 10 and a few size 8's could fit me. At the end of may I decided with about 40lbs gone I was done with my focus on getting the lbs off, I wanted to focus on firming so I got a personal trainer to help teach me the rules of lifting. In just 4 weeks I went down another 1/2 size and currently stand at a solid size 8!

Now fast forwarding to today. I am now 23, and happy. In fact I went out for my birthday last night and got hit on 3 times. I don't think it has anything to do with my current weight or size, I think it is because I love myself and the confidence shows. I still have my bad days, and days where I look in the mirror and I see the girl from last year, it's hard not to have those days when the media constantly screams at me that a size 8 is still a plus size, and being 5'3 will never be good enough to be a model or a Radio City Rockette. However most days I am comfortable with myself. I stopped looking so far into the future about my fitness goals, for me it was daunting to try and be a "size x by christmas". I take it one day at a time, and sometimes one meal at a time.

It's been 1 year, I didn't use diet pills, or special shakes. I never told myself I wasn't allowed to eat carbs, or if I look at that cookie I will gain a size. I stopped looking in the mirror and only telling myself all the flaws I saw and I began telling myself what beauty I saw. I didn't judge people around me for being "too skinny:, or "glad I am not that big" and even "what a show-off, must be nice to have time to go for a run" because I didn't know their story and I only thought those things to hide my own insecurities that I wanted to be "that skinny", and I was in fact "that big" and "wish I had the guts to go for a run". I also now take a compliment without arguing or coming up with a problem to void out the complement being given. At first I thought taking a compliment was narcissistic and its taken up until recently that I can just say thank you, but its still a conscious effort.

So to conclude (and to those still reading, thanks!), you can do this. You are worth it. It won't be easy. You are going to have a bad day either eating, working out or both. It's really emotional. You won't ever be the same because you will be you at your absolute best.

Please feel free to add me as a friend or message me if you have questions about my journey or just having a bad day and need a personal cheerleader

Love always,
Meghan