Looking for Friends / My Story

I'm Emily! I live on the beautiful island of Newfoundland in Eastern Canada, where the hills are steep and we can have all four seasons in just 24 hours!

Growing up I was always fit as a fiddle. I played soccer as a goalkeeper in the summer, volleyball as a middle in the fall, basketball as a post in the winter and spring, and I jogged year round. Even then, I was the only fit person in my entire extended family save for one uncle who lives in Nova Scotia.

That all changed in a matter of hours when I was 14 when I seriously injured my back in a soccer accident - I collided with a woman (I played in the women's 20+ league because I was tall for 14) who was twice my size and was sandwiched between her and a solid metal goal post. I dislocated my shoulder, shifted my shoulder blade and severed many tissues down the right side of my back. It took months to heal, years of physio and to this day I still get back aches and spasms as a result. Needless to say, I've barely exercised in over 4 years purely because I’ve been unable to (I was only cleared for moderate exercise by my doctors in December 2012).

As a result of my accident and other factors at the time, I fell into depression about a year later and spent two years trying to battle it on my own before seeking help when I turned 17. After many talks and tests, it was found that I am genetically predisposed to Seasonal Affective Disorder, a genetic depressive disorder that runs in my family (there is a history of depression and suicide far back in my family line). We believe that the reason why I hadn't felt the effects of SAD until I was 15 is because exercise is a treatment for the disorder and my sports up to that point could have warded off the effects. My family and doctor were extremely supportive, and after a few months of treatment I had serious improvement. While there is no known cure for SAD, it becomes easier to cope with it over time and with treatment. Up to my 18th birthday I was focused on improving myself on the inside and healing my spirit from the prior years.

That's when I noticed that I'm twice the size that I used to be. I coped with depression through eating high-carb and sugary foods - they were and still are my security blanket. That coupled with the inability to exercise resulted in a 75 lb weight gain. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to get back to where I was - I wish I could start over at 14 and not play in that soccer game. When it came to sports and exercise, I never struggled to the point of feeling incapable, which is the most difficult to deal with now. I used to jog 5+ kilometres, and now I can't make it 100 metres without feeling like my lungs will collapse which makes me feel hopeless, lost and destroyed on the inside.

When it comes to will power, I’m weird. I have loads of will power for just about everything except food and exercise. I can pull all-nighters, do school work, tutor peers, clean the house, etc. until the cows come home – I’m that busy person who gets everything done and then some, gets the top marks in the class and puts everyone else first (I’m pretty sure I spent more time tutoring than studying this year). I don’t know why (and I’m trying to figure out why) this part of my personality doesn’t translate in to my health. Unlike my 14-year-old self, the last thing on this planet that I want to do is eat something green or exert my body past it’s comfort zone, yet I would without hesitation work my brain to the bone learning every anatomical structure in the human body, volunteer 15+ hours straight to a charity or clean our entire house until it was spotless. I see a purpose in those things, and while there is a logical and obvious purpose to healthy eating and exercise, that part of my brain connected to will power just doesn’t sync and I have no idea why.

That brings me here, looking for support. I’m still figuring out how to use MFP, so what it says as my current weight is actually my start weight – I’ve lost 25 lbs already, so I’ll figure out how to update that. I’ll do my best to keep up with it, but I often get incredibly busy so my goal is to sign on 3-4 times a week minimum. I travel often so I’ll post an update if I know I’ll be gone for an extended period of time. I’m not the perfect partner to lose weight with. I often have down days when I think, “Screw it, I’m just gonna be fat forever because I’m not strong enough to change that,” but my up days have been worth it in getting me 25 lbs lighter than when I started. Obviously I’m having an up day right now as I’m signing up for MFP, but it doesn’t mean I’ll be this hopeful and encouraging every day. I’m human, we all are. I’ve had struggles that got me here, and so have the majority of you who are probably on here. So let’s be human together, pick each other up on those down days and get some weight off. I want to jog 5k again.

So that’s my “weight story” I guess you could say. I’m not trying to make excuses, these are just the events in my life that have gotten me to where I am today in terms of my health. I am not lazy and (while I understand that that is the reason for some people who are overweight) I find that term extremely offensive because I work hard every day of my life towards my goals, I’m just having trouble getting my health back on track which is why I joined MFP. The solution is logically simple – eat clean, exercise and no excuses – but emotionally it’s incredibly difficult. Even being overweight is somewhat of a security blanket to me – it pushes new people away from meeting me which makes me feel safe (while I logically know that that isn’t good for my well-being) and even that’s hard to let go of.

I would really appreciate the support, and will do my best to support you too. Feel free to send me a friend request!

Sorry for such a long post, I just realized that I ranted haha.