I think I'm developing an eating disorder

misshpn
misshpn Posts: 70 Member
in Motivation and Support
I need some serious help. I need someone to talk to, who understands and who will tell me their honest opinion. So now I'm asking all of you, hoping someone can help me, because I need it. Badly.

I think I'm getting sick. Not just sick and tired of counting kcal and thinking about food - i genuinely think I'm developing an eating disorder. I will tell you my story and I will need you to be honest and give me your advice.

The first 18 years of my life I've been overweight and later obese. I'm 165 cm and when I began my journey i january 2012, I was 110 kg. I've never been an emotional eater, but my problem was/is simple - I LOVE food and I was so insanely lazy. I hated any kind of exercise, which most people at that weight understandably do.

When I decided to start losing weight, I joined weightwatchers, which was perfect for me. It was easy and not too limited, and within 7 months, I lost about 20 kg. I then began to eat A LOT of fruit + my normal 22 pp, and then things went wrong. I began to gain weight so i decided to switch to counting kcal. Now, y'all know that counting kcal is a lot harder than WW, because you have to count EVERYTHING. I've lost 8 kg with MFP, with a net of 1300-1400(right now it's 1350).

Here is the problem. When i started MFP i got more and more obsessed with what I ate, because it was so much harder than what i was used to with WW. I also became more obsessed with my workout. The obsession has gotten to a point, where I can easily break down in tears, if i'm 100-200 kcal over in a day. it's just crazy. I KNOW that i will not gain weight from being over, and that I'm very active and well under what is the standard kcal count a day(2000+ kcal), but I haven't seen any result in a long time(haven't lost weight in almost 1,5 months), so every little imperfection makes me hysterical. Also i'm beginning to look at girls, who are obviously too skinny, in a different way - a way which scared me. I know they're too thin, and unhealthy, but still i find them beautiful and inspiring. one of my biggest wishes it to have the unnatural thigh gap, and my favorite features of myself is my very visible collarbones.

Something happened today which has made me reach out for help, because it's gotten to something else than just the normal obsession, which a lot of people on here suffer with. Today i decided to eat a big dinner and don't worry too much about my kcal. The problem is, when i decide to be over kcal, i have a hard time limiting myself, so i will eat even more than i should.. With that mental state in mind, I will tell you what happened. I was at work, and i was starving. the ONLY thing we had was a box of chocolate. now, i don't even like chocolate that much. I'm a food person, but in my hunger i ate not 1, 2 or 3, but 10 pieces!!! 20 min after my binge, i tried to count the kcal, and when I saw that I had just eaten 500 kcal worth of chocolate I broke down. I can't even explain what happened. The next thing i know, i was in the bathroom trying to throw up, without luck.

This episode scared me so much, that I needed to reach out. I'm not that girl, and I don't wanna be that girl. I just think the complete obsession of food and exercise the last 1,5 year has ruined me a bit. I don't know what to do, because I'm scared. I'm really really scared. I'm scared to continue counting kcal and becoming something horrible, but also I'm scared of stopping, and becoming my old self.

Be honest. Any help/advice is appreciated.

Replies

  • TheGymGypsy
    TheGymGypsy Posts: 1,023 Member
    I have been there, and I really do feel for you. If you really feel like you are losing control you need to seek psychological help. I am not a medical professional, and do not want to give you any advice that could possibly make things worse.
  • hzliiz
    hzliiz Posts: 166 Member
    Yes you are at risk of developing a full on eating disorder and in fact the behavior and thinking you are engaging in are the early manifestations. Please get help if it's possible from a therapist who has experience in this area. The earlier you can intervene with eating disorders the better the outcome. Please take care of yourself, this is a dangerously slippery slope you're on. Feel free to add me if you would like my support.
  • quiltlovinlisa
    quiltlovinlisa Posts: 1,710 Member
    At the very least you have an unhealthy relationship with food. It's time to talk to someone with medical experience.

    I give you tons of kudos for realizing that something is wrong before it gets worse.
  • TR0berts
    TR0berts Posts: 7,739 Member
    Unfortunately, I believe you're right in that you need some help.

    Fortunately, you already know it, so you don't need to be convinced.
  • sabrafox
    sabrafox Posts: 70 Member
    I've struggled with eating disorders for 20 years. I understand what you're going through.
    1. So proud of you for recognizing you have a problem! That is step one. You've caught this early. Good job.
    2. Talk to someone! Not just on here. If you can, get counseling. Talk to a therapist, not just a medical doctor. If you don't have insurance to cover it, there are programs to help provide you with the counseling you need.
    3. Find a friend, a real live in the flesh friend, who you can go to as an accountability partner. Be honest with them about what's going on and ask them to help you.
    4. There may be an Over-eaters Anonymous group nearby that you could attend. It's a 12 step program for people with food issues that you may find beneficial.
    4. I am a Christian and that factors into how I deal with every aspect of my life. My relationship with Christ is the only thing that helped me overcome my food issues. So if you are a person of faith, pray. Pray for God to help you, to heal you.

    Please reach out to the people around you. You are not alone!
  • Kelly_Runs_NC
    Kelly_Runs_NC Posts: 474 Member
    Asking for help is a HUGE step in the right direction. Hats off to you for realizing it and reaching out. I wish you the best in getting to a good place.
  • Valarama
    Valarama Posts: 22
    it does sound like you're entering the shallow waters of a serious eating disorder.
    i *used* to have one (you never really 100% get over it, my opinion)
    it's fantastic that you realize you're in trouble b/c most people don't and you've caught it early.
    you're ok.
    but you need to work on staying ok now.
    you need to talk to someone and start eating immediately.
    if you want to talk, i'm here!
  • fishgutzy
    fishgutzy Posts: 2,807 Member
    We didn't get overweight by being moderate.
    I've been there. Spent well over a decade in what i referred to as the Karen Carpenter School of Diet (minus the ipecac). Clinical diagnosis for bulimia is purging 3 or more times a week. I was binging and purging 4 to 10 times a day.
    It took a while to unlearn that behavior.
    You are fortunate to recognize it before you dove full on.
    Learning to moderate behavior is part of developing a sustainable life style change. This is a part of why those quick fix fast weight loss programs don't work. They simply refocus obsessive behavior rather than helping learn to moderate behavior.
    Lots of help, if needed. OA can be very helpful if there are any groups in your area. 12 steps for food junkies.
  • lisquito
    lisquito Posts: 19 Member
    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

    Not sure where you live, but this is the National Eating Disorders website, which has a helpline you can call to find help in your area! There is an online eating disorder test, but I would leave things like that to professionals, honestly.

    Call the helpline now

    Call our toll-free, confidential Helpline, Monday-Thursday from 9:00 am - 9:00 pm and Friday from 9:00 am - 5:00 pm (EST):

    1-800-931-2237

    There are MANY resources available if you're not sure what to do! The most important thing to do now that you have recognized that you need help is to GET IT! :)
  • A209
    A209 Posts: 5
    This is my first post on these community pages, but your story struck me and I felt I had to chime in. I wanted to give you so much credit for acknowledging this issue in its preliminary stages. You seem incredibly self aware and were able to sense when something just wasn't right. I've suffered from ana/mia for over 11 years, and have been in recovery for 2 years, and although I've accepted the difficult fact that I'll never truly be free from the disease, I would advise anyone to seek help if they feel that creeping feeling coming up. Your intensity surrounding food, and your emotional roller coaster when things go well and when you feel you've slipped up, sound like you're treading the line between healthy concern and obsessive thoughts. And those thoughts are just plain exhausting!
    I would encourage you to take the inherent intelligence and strength you obviously have, and focus your energy on the help that therapy can give you. Your current path has proved to be a slippery slope, and the relief that you might feel from talking to the right therapist, I'm sure, will be a welcome, welcome relief. I know how hard it is to hear those voices rushing around your brain, telling you you've done wrong, and the crippling guilt you feel when you indulge. Especially if your inclination is to attempt to purge, the need for guidance out of this slippery slope is all the more necessary. Feeling that first urge to purge might end you where myself, and countless others have fallen to, purging 5,6,7,8,9 times a day; the reason for my damaged heart, teeth and absolute lack of metabolism. I so admire your goals to get healthy, but purging will be one of the biggest road blocks you can set for yourself in that goal. We all know losing weight is hard work, throw purging and restricting into the mix, and not only is it hard, it's completely destructive to your body in every single way.
    I so hope all of the encouragement to get help that you're receiving here will speak to you, and you can start the healing process. Feel free to reach out to me if you'd like. I wish you all the luck in the world!
  • kadorseyusa
    kadorseyusa Posts: 2
    I suffered and became obsessed for a little while, I now make certain I stay under the count by exercise and making certain I don't go this allows for mistakes but still makes you feel great and you loose weight. Using this I have been losing an average of 2 lbs per week with no sweat. I swim at least half hour per day, but more like one to two hours feel great. You can't just diet.
  • miss_jessiejane
    miss_jessiejane Posts: 2,819 Member
    Please get help. Good luck.
  • GorJesssOne
    GorJesssOne Posts: 4 Member
    I think some of us are right along with you...
    I've been dieting very strict and working out 5 to 6 days a week. I'd addicted to the feeling I get when I jump on the scale and I see a pound or two gone. Sooo lastnight I made a horrible decision and got Taco Bell. Ate probably 700 calories if not more and my daily limit is 1000/day. So I felt soooooo guilty eating the last half of my meal that I didn't even enjoy it. then I ran to the bathroom and felt sick so i did try to purge the food. But it was too late. It wouldn't come up. I then jumped on my elliptical for 30 minutes and then went on a walk. I walked for 1.5 hours just hating myself for eating the fastfood. I don't consider it an eating disorder but what do I know. All I know is that if you are concious of the fact that you may have a problem then you are on the right tract. Asking for help is probably the best thing you can do for yourself. Don't give up and know that we all are here going through the same battles!
  • daisyeyes
    daisyeyes Posts: 144
    I was in the same place you are a few months ago. This is the reason I stopped counting calories; I was getting obsessive about being under and if I messed up one day, I was starving myself the next. It wasn't good. I tried to stop, but it was just an endless cycle. Food was getting to be a love/hate relationship to me.
    Please listen to me... you have to do something now. It sounds like you're developing a disorder, but you CAN take control of it. You have to decide whether or not you want this disorder.... because it will only get worse.
    Thank God I've never purged. I've tried several times, but just couldn't do it.

    There are some things that will help you...you have to MAKE yourself exercise. You can go for a walk, dance, do some jumping jacks.... WHATEVER you can, just as long as you're active. Remember... one time of binging won't make you gain wait.
    Another thing that helps is to tell a friend about it.... that way they can discourage from purging.

    Hope these tips help! I've been through it, and these tips worked for me :)

    xoxo,
    daisy
  • jljshoe1979
    jljshoe1979 Posts: 325 Member
    I should preface this by saying, I've never had an eating disorder. However, I can get very obsessed over something and throw myself all into it, burn out, and then do nothing with it (i.e. crafts). I think it's kind of an all or nothing mentality. For you, the day you ate the 10 pieces of chocolate, it appeared from your post that you had eaten nothing (or not enough and were very hungry) - so then you went into "all" mode and ate 10 pieces. In all fairness to yourself, I don't think you realized it was 500 kcal (you just ate extra because you were so hungry). If you had known it was that many kcals, would you have eaten it? I would be worried that your first thought was to go purge, and the suggestion to get some counseling for this is a very good one because you logically know 500 kcal is not going to ruin your progress, but emotionally it caused you to try to hurt yourself.

    I think maybe, you should reexamine your goals to - do you want to be thin or healthy? Very, very thin people are not healthy usually - they develop a host of other body problems (things you can't see just by looking at their bodies like heart problems and esophageal and teeth problems).

    Also, in your post you said you wanted the "unnatural thigh gap". That's easy to do - just take a picture of yourself and photoshop the thigh gap you want in (that is what everyone else in the pictures you see of it does). (This last comment is not meant to be mean or ugly towards you, it just is a truthful statement about what you see in pics of models and many famous women).
  • star5785
    star5785 Posts: 140
    It's GREAT that you've recognized these issues & it does sound like you're slipping into an eating disorder. I suffered from anorexia for four years (age 15-19) and the obsessive thoughts about food and counting calories will consume your life. Don't let this happen to yourself. Seek help immediately from the above resources, from a medical professional or even a family member or friend who will listen. You can do it hun! And importantly, remember the bigger picture here...life isn't all about the food you consume and exercise you do. It's about accepting yourself for who you are. None of us are perfect and you don't have to try to be. Take care.
  • wamydia
    wamydia Posts: 259 Member
    If a close friend had told me this story I would insist that they see a doctor. It really can happen that people develop eating disorders just because they were trying so hard to get healthy. You were very wise to see what is happening and now you have to be brave and go get help from a doctor. I'm sure that they can help you deal with your issues and still maintain a healthy weight at the same time.

    Good luck and I hope you are able to get well again in short order!
  • TeachTheGirl
    TeachTheGirl Posts: 2,091 Member
    A while ago I experienced something similar. I told my husband I was worried, because for the first time ever I felt like purging because I felt disgusted every time I ate food. He told me to tell him if I had this feeling again. Thankfully, I have not.

    You're at least aware of this feeling in yourself, which is a great first step.
  • BarbellBlondieRuns
    BarbellBlondieRuns Posts: 511 Member
    I'm sorry hun. Hugs. I'd focus on telling yourself the things you'd tell someone else close to you if they were going through that. Tell yourself that food is not good or bad. Tell yourself that your food choices are not an indicator of your worth as a person. These things are true. Keep telling yourself these things because if you do it enough, you'll believe it. And you should. All of this dieting crap & changes within yourself can play tricks on your brain. Mind over matter. Focus on what kind of healthy woman that you want to be and believe that that is who you are.
  • jlapey
    jlapey Posts: 1,850 Member
    First, I don't know anything about eating disorders so the best advice I can give you is to seek professional help if you feel you have a problem.

    Second, I think research on how your body works in relation to food and weight loss can give you a better perspective and perhaps help your mental state. I believe you are being to harsh with your calorie allowance and restrictions which is bound to backfire in one way or another. Below are a few links that I found very helpful, though I urge you to continue to do research on your own.

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/Robin_Bin

    http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/833026-important-posts-to-read

    http://body-improvements.com/resources/eat/


    I pray you will be okay and I wish you the best of luck in reaching your goals in a healthy way.
  • sheenarama
    sheenarama Posts: 733 Member
    I've struggled with binging and purging for years. I would suggest a group meeting such as Overeaters Annoymous. Having support from people who've been there helps a lot.
  • meadow_sage
    meadow_sage Posts: 308 Member
    http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/find-help-support

    Not sure where you live, but this is the National Eating Disorders website, which has a helpline you can call to find help in your area! There is an online eating disorder test, but I would leave things like that to professionals, honestly.

    Call the helpline now

    Call our toll-free, confidential Helpline, Monday-Thursday from 9:00 am - 9:00 pm and Friday from 9:00 am - 5:00 pm (EST):

    1-800-931-2237

    There are MANY resources available if you're not sure what to do! The most important thing to do now that you have recognized that you need help is to GET IT! :)
    Awesome response.
  • HeartbeccaCA
    HeartbeccaCA Posts: 17 Member
    GET PROFESSIONAL HELP. Period. You need to talk to a professional counselor - ideally someone who specializes in eating disorders. But any professional will do to start. JUST GET HELP NOW.
  • VioletNightshade
    VioletNightshade Posts: 197
    I had a similar experience, oddly enough, last night as well.

    I met my caloric limit for the day, and all I could think about was food, food, food, food, food, so I, for all intents and purposes, binged. It wasn't a proper binge like I used to do when I was actively suffering, when, in a sitting, I could do a ridiculous amount, but I won't get too into those details. Long story short, I went over my limit by about 600 calories. In my head, I know this won't really have much of any effect on my weight, so long as it doesn't become a habit, but I went to bed and woke up with an overwhelming sense of dread, and woke up wanting to subtract those 600 calories from today's intake, (which I won't do for quite a few reasons, one of which being that that's one of the things I used to do) and having the thoughts swimming in my head nagging at me relentlessly. To make matters worse, I had been watching a movie with a friend at the time (who doesn't know I had a disorder and had no idea that before he got there, I'd already been having difficulty concerning food that day) and this friend commented that I was eating a lot, which brought on the guilt, loss of appetite, dread and simultaneously the feeling that I seriously wanted to clear the cupboard and... get rid of it. I managed to resist, though it consumed my thoughts and I don't even remember which film we watched because of the storm in my head, but the more I ignore the thoughts today and stick to my new routine, the more they're fading, so, this time, crisis averted, but it was still quite a scare.

    Good for you for noticing the signs early. Many don't and end up in hospital for it, or worse. Please, please, please seek help, and early. Please don't allow yourself to slip into it. It's an ugly, vicious and poisonous little monster that just starts out gnawing at your ankles, but if allowed to grow can become your own, personal demon wreaking havoc in your life on a minute by minute basis destroying everything in sight until you don't know where you end and it begins. Nip it in the bud. Don't go down that road. It never leads anywhere good.

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