My mom Thinks I'm Anorexic or Bulimic
chancock6
Posts: 87
So I still live at home, and I've gone through this weight loss journey essentially by myself. My family doesn't eat well, especially my mother who's diabetic but still crams cake and cookies and a carton of ice cream down her throat every night. I chose to be thinner and lost 80 pounds over the course of the last two years and have just now started MFP to lose more. The thing is, she's thinks I'm crazy.
My sister is bi-polar, and we have a history of mental illness in our family. My dad died last fall (didn't care, he left when we were little, and I didn't cry at his funeral), so now she thinks I'm starving myself because of that. I'm almost at a healthy weight, but I'm still slightly over. My stomach bulges some, my thighs are a bit bigger than they should be, and I have stubborn fat on my arms and hips. I want it gone! I don't starve myself. In fact, I'm a little bad about my diet. I eat cookies and have a marshmallow or two when I have extra calories. I don't always weigh my food, and I'm getting frustrated with the diary and guessing.
I asked her to buy me a food scale so I could weigh my meat, and she just gave me the dirtiest look and said I didn't need to weigh my food. That I needed to knock it off with all this "diet crap". The other day I mentioned that I didn't want anymore food as it would put me over my calorie limit, and she said I needed more calories. She watches me go into the bathroom, probably sees how long after dinner I go and inspects the toilet when I'm done!
Ugh, any advice? She's so blinded by her own interests and uneducated about healthy foods and weight that talking to her is arguing with a brick wall. She is over 330 lbs now, smokes, and has diabetes. She has to inject insulin after every meal but still blatantly drinks milkshakes or eats triple quarter pounders from Mcdonalds. I wouldn't mind so much about this whole anorexic thing if she wasn't rallying my grandparents (who are also overweight and are convinced I'm too obsessed with my size). Does anyone else have to deal with people like this, who just aren't as concerned as they should be about how much they weigh?
My sister is bi-polar, and we have a history of mental illness in our family. My dad died last fall (didn't care, he left when we were little, and I didn't cry at his funeral), so now she thinks I'm starving myself because of that. I'm almost at a healthy weight, but I'm still slightly over. My stomach bulges some, my thighs are a bit bigger than they should be, and I have stubborn fat on my arms and hips. I want it gone! I don't starve myself. In fact, I'm a little bad about my diet. I eat cookies and have a marshmallow or two when I have extra calories. I don't always weigh my food, and I'm getting frustrated with the diary and guessing.
I asked her to buy me a food scale so I could weigh my meat, and she just gave me the dirtiest look and said I didn't need to weigh my food. That I needed to knock it off with all this "diet crap". The other day I mentioned that I didn't want anymore food as it would put me over my calorie limit, and she said I needed more calories. She watches me go into the bathroom, probably sees how long after dinner I go and inspects the toilet when I'm done!
Ugh, any advice? She's so blinded by her own interests and uneducated about healthy foods and weight that talking to her is arguing with a brick wall. She is over 330 lbs now, smokes, and has diabetes. She has to inject insulin after every meal but still blatantly drinks milkshakes or eats triple quarter pounders from Mcdonalds. I wouldn't mind so much about this whole anorexic thing if she wasn't rallying my grandparents (who are also overweight and are convinced I'm too obsessed with my size). Does anyone else have to deal with people like this, who just aren't as concerned as they should be about how much they weigh?
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Replies
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Im sorry you are in this situation
If i were you i would try to arrange to go to a doctor together and have him take all of your vitals in front of her and confirm that you are healthy and at a healthy weight, and then talk to her about her decisions regarding what she eats at the same time 0 -
How many calories are you eating?0
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Congratulations of being strong and over coming MANY boundaries in your personal life especially with the lack of family support! It just shows how dedicated you are to yourself! I truly hope you feel wonderful about yourself!
As for your mom -- people get set in their ways. It doesn't matter whether it is being obese, excessive shopping, hoarding or anything else. Your mom may see things one of two ways 1) She doesn't have a problem with being obese and doesn't see why you should worry or 2) is SCARED and has a sense of jealousy because you have been able to achieve what she has not. She may feel that this weight loss has dragged you away from her, and is creating emotional barriers. She is losing her daughter.
You can sit down and try to talk to your mother but I have a striking suspicion she won't hear any of it but i still suggest you try.
My advice, don't use scales, don't weigh your food. That will only aggravate her while you are living under the same roof. Second, weighing your food creates a bad habit. Remember, at the end of the day you want your food choices to be second nature to you, not a chore. It's about a lifestyle change not a diet. It is very common to see women with eating disorders to weigh their food and over estimate. If you're worried your not losing, switch around your foods
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. EAT HEALTHY! Don't weigh your food From your photo you look amazing!
EDIT: My mom used to do the same thing except she isn't overweight at all. She was so obsessed over her own weight that projection occurred. That hammered me down for years, later on i confronted my mom about it, she can still be a bit bad, but i sat down and told her, that her attitude really affects me, i love her dearly but she really has to be careful what she says around me. I know how it feels, it sucks.0 -
Sadly, you cannot change who people are, you can only change yourself. It's hard when you have to live in an environment where people are negative and not supportive, but stay strong. You could try to sit with her and communicate exactly what you are trying to do with your weight loss and why it is important to you and maybe the more information you give her, the more comfortable she might be with it. You could also go get a check up from your doctor and maybe have him write down what a healthy weight should be for your age/height/etc. She may change her mind if a professional is on your side. Either way, remember you will not live with her forever and you will have more freedom one day. Be true to yourself and be respectful towards your mother even if she is wrong.0
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+10
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Do what is best for you. That is obviously taking care of your health and, if it were me, finding a way to get out of that toxic household.0
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Let her. Better yet, invite her to haul you to the nearest dietician on the condition that she comes into the room for the appointment.0
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As talking to her seems futile, maybe you should write her a letter. She can't talk back and interrupt you if it's in letter form. Explain to her what you are doing and why, that there are thousands of other people doing the same thing. Show her this site and that is healthy (assuming you are eating well) and you do not have any eating disorder. Explain to her that having her support would mean a lot to you and you DO need to do this, for you and your own confidence. Save the problems she has with her medical condition and lack of concern for it for another letter. Stick just to yourself, your goals, your desires, and why. If she won't help you after all that, then you know you are on your own. As your mother, she should support you, whether she understands or not. You just need ot make her see what you are doing is healthy, and is to be healthy. The reason she is so against it is probably because she thinks you are hurting yourself. Convince her you aren't, and she should get on board with helping you. When it comes to the food scale - buy it yourself. Personally, that's way too obsessive for me and doesn't seem sustainable. If you are wanting to do it though, more power to you. At the end of the day, we are All doing this on our own, and the only person you can count on is yourself. So, buy whatever you need to to help you through it. Don't expect her to buy it for you. And explain to her why it is so important to you. Then, once she accepts that, tackle the issues with her health. Good luck.0
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The food scale isn't really something I want for everything--I'm not that obsessive about it. I just want to do it for my meat. I honestly don't know what 4 oz of chicken is or whatever. I don't know what that looks like, and I'd rather be safe in knowing that rather than grossly overestimating and going way over my calories. My limit is only 1200 a day.0
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4oz of chicken is the size of your palm.0
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Until you get a scale, they usually say a piece of meat about the size of a cassett tape is about 3-4 oz.
My mom is kinda like that, she's not as discouragin as that but she always is making comments about the last time I went on a diet and things like that. She even makes fun of me because I bought a kid's dinner plate with sections on it, so I don't over load my plate.
Hang in there dearie!0 -
I guess I will go buy it myself. None of this would be as bad, but she starts to get into my head and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my diet. Surrounded by people who eat whatever they want whenever they want, I'm the weird one. 0
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I guess I will go buy it myself. None of this would be as bad, but she starts to get into my head and makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong with my diet. Surrounded by people who eat whatever they want whenever they want, I'm the weird one.
A digital kitchen scale is usually fairly cheap. I think I paid $20 Canadian for mine and in the States they had some for $10 USD. It's also a good investment for spot checking things. If you eat any processed or boxed foods give it a weigh one day. 11 items doesn't always weigh the 28 grams or 1 oz it claims. That can of beans that has 2.5 servings is usually more like 2 by weight.0 -
Do what is best for you. That is obviously taking care of your health and, if it were me, finding a way to get out of that toxic household.
Completely: we (almost) all grew up with control freaks or other dysfunctional people of some sort, in my experience, so don't leave yourself in that person's hands!!!!0 -
^^ This^^ and also get the doctor to check your vitamin levels. A doctor will be able to tell her that you are ok, which is probably her biggest concern. Go in for your regular checkup and have them test for eating disorders. I am obese, but I am still concerned when my daughter tries to lose weight, and does so at a quick pace. I wouldn't want her to lose weight in an unhealthy manner. Good luck.Im sorry you are in this situation If i were you i would try to arrange to go to a doctor together and have him take all of your vitals in front of her and confirm that you are healthy and at a healthy weight, and then talk to her about her decisions regarding what she eats at the same time0 -
As for the overweight people in your life trying to bring you down....it happens. Some of it may be jealousy, some of it may just be ignorance. Some of it may even be ignorance blended with genuine concern for you.
If you are approaching your goal weight and are still finding yourself "too fluffy" for your tastes, consider lifting.
What kind of exercise do you do now?0 -
Im sorry you are in this situation If i were you i would try to arrange to go to a doctor together and have him take all of your vitals in front of her and confirm that you are healthy and at a healthy weight, and then talk to her about her decisions regarding what she eats at the same time
I think this is an excellent idea. Perhaps not to discuss her eating habits, but for her to be able to put her concerns in front of a doctor and have it confirmed that you are on a healthy and normal eating plan.0 -
I do not know where to begin with this- so it's probably best you seek help from your physician.
Moms can't argue with Dr's orders.
Good luck.0 -
I can't even BEGIN to explain how similar this is to my situation. My mom is diabetic...has lost some toes, almost lost a foot, has bleeding in her eyes, etc because of the uncontrolled diabetes and when I started losing weight she judged me. She would also seem dissapointed in me becuase I was trying to be healthier. In the end, she is just jealous that I can still use my legs and run. She is jealous that I could, in theory, eat what I want without measuring and counting sugar and carbs and worrying about blood sugar levels. It's human nature.
In this situation, it's best to just keep doing what you're doing as long as it's making you happy. You can't please everyone, even your parents, and it's easiest not to try. Even with the dirty looks and snarky comments from my mom when I eat a salad, I have to keep making those good choices because I don't want to be like her. I don't want to end up with my children caring for me as I sit on my fat butt eating a slice of chocolate cake because i've given up. That's NOT ME, it's HER. Try to keep your chin up and do what you've got to do. I know some of the things my mom says are hurtful and make me upset, but I never want to deal with the issues she is dealing with now so I just keep pushing on. Good luck.0 -
She's definitely projecting her own inadequacies on you. She wishes she could lose the weight and is frustrated. She's probably HOPING you're anorexic or bulimic so that she can reassure herself that you only lost the weight because you "cheated" and not because of making healthy choices.
I'm not sure what the solution is, but if there's any way to convince her to take steps to improve her health, you could be her inspiration instead of a constant reminder of her own failures. Without knowing her at all, based on what you've said, she needs to get her blood sugars under control and slowly taper down her serving sizes of the sweets and high calorie junk food and gradually bring her food consumption down into the deficit category. You could also go on walks together so she'll start feeling better and more active.
I would think that as long as she's in the "weight gaining" mode, she's just going to keep nitpicking on you.0 -
First off, I would suggest that you find a psychologist to talk to. Not because *you* need one but because a good one can teach you new and hopefully more productive ways to cope with the people in your life. I suspect that your mother is suffering from something that psychologist call "projection".
Secondly, a "portion" of meat (4-6 oz depending) is usually about the size of a deck of playing cards. You don't really need a scale for that.
Thirdly, you can pick one up at Dollar General, Target, Wal-Mart, etc. for $10-$20. Then you can start to portion out your foods into zip lock bags so that you can clearly see what a portion is. Perhaps this will serve as a wake-up call to your family that the entire container is not a single portion.0 -
Congratulations of being strong and over coming MANY boundaries in your personal life especially with the lack of family support! It just shows how dedicated you are to yourself! I truly hope you feel wonderful about yourself!
As for your mom -- people get set in their ways. It doesn't matter whether it is being obese, excessive shopping, hoarding or anything else. Your mom may see things one of two ways 1) She doesn't have a problem with being obese and doesn't see why you should worry or 2) is SCARED and has a sense of jealousy because you have been able to achieve what she has not. She may feel that this weight loss has dragged you away from her, and is creating emotional barriers. She is losing her daughter.
You can sit down and try to talk to your mother but I have a striking suspicion she won't hear any of it but i still suggest you try.
My advice, don't use scales, don't weigh your food. That will only aggravate her while you are living under the same roof. Second, weighing your food creates a bad habit. Remember, at the end of the day you want your food choices to be second nature to you, not a chore. It's about a lifestyle change not a diet. It is very common to see women with eating disorders to weigh their food and over estimate. If you're worried your not losing, switch around your foods
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. EAT HEALTHY! Don't weigh your food From your photo you look amazing!
EDIT: My mom used to do the same thing except she isn't overweight at all. She was so obsessed over her own weight that projection occurred. That hammered me down for years, later on i confronted my mom about it, she can still be a bit bad, but i sat down and told her, that her attitude really affects me, i love her dearly but she really has to be careful what she says around me. I know how it feels, it sucks.
Seriously? How else do you know you are eating the correct amount of food and keep an accurate account of your calories?
Sure, after a while, you learn what a proper portion looks like and don't have to weigh everything every time, but don't make a blanket statement that weighing your food creates a bad habit. The majority of the overweight people on here, are this way because they don't know what normal portions are. Weighing our food teaches us that, and keeps us honest with our calories.
And since this site is set up around counting calories, weighing and measuring accurately is the way to know how many calories we are eating.0 -
My mother is also a diabetic on insulin and continues to eat an unhealthy diet. Although she is somewhat supportive of my goals she does not understand them and does not want to change what she is doing. People have told me you cannot change a person, they have to want it themselves. Good luck to you.0
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My mom, who is chronically overweight, did the same thing to me when I was living with her. The advice you are getting about having her go to the doc's or the dietician's with you is just great! Rather than have her be the authority, rest on the advice of a real authority! One tremendous blessing for me is that my very strict diet (though stricter than I would have chosen for myself) is my doc's precription so that when family start to complain I can simply refer all questions to my doctor. I love that. Overall, eating healthfully is challenge enough, and I commend you on having the success you have all while living with a person constantly trying to sabotage you. Trust me, I completely understand how it feels to have your mother be jealous of you and act out. Its so awful.
If she does get into your head, keep in mind that bulimia involves purging and anorexia is diagnosed by having a weight that is 85% under the average weight for your height and age. If neither one of those sound like you, you are probably okay. Enjoy life!! Don't the haters get to you!0 -
got scale for 9.99. it measures grams ounces fl oz ml everything
and i would be LOST without it
who the **** knows what 300 grams of anything looks like?
and pay no mind to your sister, family is sometimes just people we are related to, and they dont always know, or want whats best. im sorry girl
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I disagree with the poster who suggested that weighing food creates bad habits.. It's exactly the opposite. Weighing your food will create a depth of knowledge for you regarding real portion sizes, which become second nature. Some people may even have to weigh food for the rest of their lives, but isn't that worth the benefit of a healthier body?
Like most of the others mentioned, keep doing your thing, even when it seems you're getting very little support. Get your support here.
And maybe your family IS trying to keep you "fat" because your health journey makes them uncomfortable with themselves. But that's on them. I would recommend you be careful not to project your feelings on them though. You might want to ease up on the judgment of what they're eating. You felt unhappy with your body when you were heavier, don't let it affect how you see other people. I'm sure you'd hate to have know that someone was judging you.
Good luck with your journey!0 -
I realize none of it is going to help with someone of you mom's mindset (who does not even have a comprehension of what she is doing to herself), but I would be careful of what language I'm using.
Do not use words that suggest you want to be skinnier, make emphasis on HEALTHY. Healthy weight, healthy BMI... healthy foods.
Who says you need to lose more weight? -- The government (CDC). Blame them.
Show the guidelines for your height and weight and mention that you want to be smack in the middle of that, and you want to get there in a healthy way. And that since you have a family history of diabetis/high blood pressure/high cholesterol/(insert what applies), you understand that you must be extra conscientious with your health from early age to fight that predisposition and make sure that your health and your future children's health is not compromised by these issues.0
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