I need your advice

naou · July 2013

I'm 19. I've never had a boyfriend. No one's ever had a (big) crush on me.
Being overweight didn't bother me that much in the past. I was still shy with guys I liked, but I had a lot of friends, I was outgoing, loved partying, didn't have trouble making friends.. People made fun of me for being fat but I didn't care that much.
2 years ago I gained a lot of weight in short time (10 kg in 1 month and continued gaining weight) and soon I discovered that I had hormonal imbalance which caused the weight gain but also affected me physically in many other ways (there was a period when I couldn't walk because I was feeling dizzy and sick all the time) and also emotionally. I stopped going out, I lost touch with all my friends and all I did was watch TV and shows online. As I continued gaining weight I noticed people making MORE fun of me but unlike before, it affected me terribly. I lost my self-esteem and self-confidence. I thought I was never gonna make new friends. I couldn't wait to finish high school to never see those kids again.
In February 2012 I started a diet that my endocrinologist gave me. She told me to lose 3 kg in 3 months. I lost 12 kg. I continued losing weight and that made me feel good about myself. I started talking to a few of my friends again and we started going out and having fun, just like we used to.
Then I went to college in another city. I knew it was a great opportunity to make a good impression on people, since none of them knew me. At first it was great. I was confident, I made a lot of friends, I had a weight loss of 25 kg and things were just... great...
Then I met this guy and we were hanging out for a month or so. We had a great time together but when we were in college he was just like 'HELLO' and that was it. At first it didn't bother me because we barely knew each other but then he continued doing it so I stopped seeing him.
I realized that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public, just because I was fat. So somehow that little self-confidence I was gone. You might say it's silly but he was the only guy who's ever liked me. EVER! I started feeling bad about myself, and along with some other health problems I had, I started gaining weight. I've gained 4 kg so far.
The thing is, I hate when I look at myself in the mirror. But what I'm scared the most is that I'll never find a guy who likes me because I'm fat. Guys here LITERALLY laugh at fat girls' faces, saying they'd NEVER date a fat girl.
So I want to lose weight. But I'm scared that no matter what I do, I won't get my self-esteem and self-confidence back. I don't know how to. I can't talk about this with my friends because they don't know what it's like to be fat.
Please give me some advice. I need to go back to being the old me again! I need to feel good about my body and not care about others!

Reedern · July 2013

I'm so sorry that you feel so bad. It sucks being the "fat girl". I have been considered overweight since I was in the 3rd grade. Over the years I have gained and lost so many times. I had one boyfriend in HS, but after he broke it off with me, it was years again before I met someone else. I think you have to just get to that point where you say "piss on you guys" and do what is best for you and what makes you happy. The worst thing we can do is sit around and mope. We have to be the ones to make the first effort in bettering ourselves. I am currently very unhappy with my body. The way it looks and the way it feels. I am having a much more difficult time this time staying on the right path, but I still try everyday. Each day is a new day and a new chance for us to be happy. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. I promise you there is a guy out there that will adore you for who you are no matter what your size is. The first step is loving yourself though! I am 34 years old and in my lifetime thus far I have only had 4 actual boyfriends. I am happily married now with 2 beautiful daughters! You will get there too! Just keep your chin up and look at yourself in the mirror every single day and tell yourself something that you LIKE about you. Start your day with a happy and positive thought and see where it takes you! Friend me if you want and we can help push each other! Good luck and be patient.... he is out there waiting for you!

jessupbrady · July 2013

Hopefully I am stating the obvious when I say; if these people judged you based on your weight, then they were not your friends. If they feared being with you in public, then they were not your friend. If you see yourself through the eyes of those same people, it is not you who is lost, it is your perspective.

You are a beautiful young lady who despite health issues, which would cause many people to give up and continue to use that as an excuse, has mad wonderful changes in her life and you strive to improve your health. Friends would see this depth of your personality and be proud to call you a friend for your success through your struggles and be there to continue to offer support.

When you look at yourself through their eyes you take away from yourself all that truly makes you special and a worthwhile person to know. Do not shallow your own views because someone else does.

Every day, tell yourself (out loud) it is good to be alive and if that doesn't help start listing your blessings. You'll begin feeling better in just a few minutes.

naou · July 2013

Thank you guys so much!!!! I really needed this!

whierd · July 2013

Double spacing between paragraphs would make your OP easier to read.

In any event, if he was embarrassed to be seen with you in public, he is a jerk.

obeseandsassy · July 2013

This is one of those posts where I feel like this picture is relevant:

Look, being a fat girl can be hard. I've been through it all, being ignored in favor of my friends, having strangers come up to me to give me diet advice/tell me to get surgery, men who wouldn't be seen in public with me or tell their friends about me, the list goes on and on.

You say you're afraid you won't get your self-confidence back if you lose weight. You're probably right. Weight and self esteem don't go hand in hand. Sure, it's easier to navigate the world in a more 'acceptable' body, but once your self esteem has been crushed the way yours has, it's going to take a lot more than changes to your body to bring it back. You have to focus on changing two things: your perception of yourself, and the people who you surround yourself with.

The fact of the matter is, what you look like should have no bearing on how people treat you. I don't care if you're hairy, pockmarked, 600lbs and missing a leg. You still deserve to be treated respectfully by other people. This is an important concept. If you have people in your life who treat you badly, get rid of them. Being alone is better than being with people who don't treat you like a human being.

Gonna use myself as an example. I'm fatter than I've ever been. I'm also happier, more confident, and more self-assured than I've ever been (both on the inside and the outside). Not because of my weight. Not in spite of my weight. And no, it certainly didn't happen overnight. But it is completely possible.

I didn't get my first kiss til I was nearly 20, didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 24. At the time, it mattered very much to me. But in retrospect, I wonder why. Life is not a race. There are not certain marks/goals I have to hit by a certain age. These are not the things that determine whether my life is fulfilling or good, or whether I am worthy.

I guess the long and short of it is you gotta work on yourself, doll. Not on your body, but on your noggin!

Hope this helps

onwarddownward · July 2013

TLDR

Fitnin6280 · July 2013

Darlin, you've gotta love you first! Then everything else will fall into place.

TeamDale · July 2013

Any guy who is embarrassed to be seen with you is a loser for marriage. True beauty lies in each one of us. It is not what we see that we can truly know a person. We have to learn their heart. I always thought I was the ugly one until i met the woman who is my wife. She is more beautiful a person that I thought I would ever marry. I still ask today, 28 years later, what did you see in me? She says that I have a kind heart. That is what to look for in a person, not the outward appearance.

pinupchick82 · July 2013

If you dont mind my asking i am kinda curious whare u live that the men seem to be so brutal? i am and have pretty much always been a big girl, i have had my ups and downs with daiting true but there is alot to be said for a man knowing that you are confadent. dont get me wrong i dont like my self too much and i have really struggled many times but confadance can be attractive even if you are not slinder you have to find a part of your self to be confadent about and bring that out. also you do have to learn to love your self before u can find love. but you are young and you do have tome and there are attractive men that do like biger girls also.... my hubby is a physically fit us marine with a six pack who support me in my quest to be healthy but loves me for who i am it can happen keep your chin up

Some_Watery_Tart · July 2013

My advice:
1. Build your confidence.
2. Stop ridiculing yourself.
3. More confidence.
4. For real, LOTS more confidence.

Seriously though, read a self-help book, take a pole-dancing class, buy sexy underwear, make over your hair, do WHATEVER IT TAKES to build your self confidence. Learn to love yourself the way you are. Understand that people who judge people based on weight are shallow wastes of your time. Period. Do not change yourself to fit these ridiculous "ideals". If all else fails, fake it until you believe it.

Oh, AND....I don't know where you live that it's considered socially acceptable to laugh in a person's face about any perceived shortcomings, but that doesn't make it ok. Don't let idiots dictate how you feel about yourself--because then you become one of them.

naou · July 2013

pinupchick82 & SarahCate79

I live in Macedonia

Some_Watery_Tart · July 2013

Thanks for the warning. I'd be running my smarty-pants mouth at every "man" who had the nerve to comment on my weight. Of course, that's why both my mothers-in-law don't have the nerve to criticize me any more. At least not to my face. :laugh:

There's a whole world of men out there. They're not all like that. Don't be in a rush. Dating is over-rated. Dating losers is awful! Dating the right guy is wonderful and 100% worth waiting for.

naou · July 2013

Thank you guys, I really appreciate it!

SerenaFisher · July 2013

Sounds like you already have a good idea of how to approach this. as long as you lose the weight healthy and for yourself and realize if you do have insecurities weight alone cannot fix it you will be fine. Women of all sizes have self esteem issues, just be prepared for another kind of hate when you are thinner... hate is at all levels of the scale.

If you love yourself everyone else us irrelevant and guys prefer a confident woman over the insecure ones. And if you find one that does not enjoy your confidence move on, life is to short.

naou · July 2013

I know I need to start loving myself. I'm taking baby steps. Changing my clothes and wearing things that I think look good on me. It makes me feel good. I hope I'll be feeling better when I go back to college..

I need your advice

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