Recovering from surgery and a lost Pregnancy, a bit lost..

FitterStrongerHappier · July 2013

So, a little back story on me. I started with MFP about a bit over a year ago. I lost about 57 pounds right up to the Holidays, at which time, my daughter was admitted to the hospital, and I went from months of healthy eating, to the McDonalds meal my brother brought me (my husband was at home with the Flu, my Daughter was admitted at 5 yrs old with the Flu, and I was to come down with the same strain within a few days).

Between the family recovering, the poor food choices that resulted on none of us being strong enough to really cook for days, AND faced with Holiday foods shortly thereafter, I ended up gaining 10-15 lbs of that 57 lost from about mid December until late March. Started to lose it again, and then ended up Pregnant.

Looking at a vegetable or fruit made me nauseated - I could only stomach things like mashed potatoes and eggs for some days, others it was cheeseburgers. I ate what my stomach could handle, and surprisingly, for the first trimester, only put on about 4-6 pounds, depending on scale fluctuations. Then, at 11 weeks (last monday), just shy of making it through the 'danger zone' the ultrasound screen showed that the baby had died. It's little heart had stopped, and even though we could see his head and his arms and his legs on the monitor, he was no longer alive (I assume he, though I don't know for sure).

I left the Doctor's office, and went through the Arbys Drive thru and had lots of calories. Not worth listing it here, but sandwich, shake and fries - you do the math.

In the days following, topped that- and went in for surgery on Thursday. They actually asked me if I wanted to take care of burial arrangements, or sign off so the state could arrange for a mass burial, and they have an annual anonymous service for the losses in december. This was REALLY hard for me to deal with - but I digress....

So now, here I sit, about one week after I found out my little one had gone, and I debate my future. I know for some people, it's easy to pursue both goals at the same time - pregnancy and weight loss - it's hard for me to do this, as pursuing pregnancy again means medication, and monitoring, and nausea and cravings from the start. Makes it hard to make great food choices. I'm having a hard time getting motivated to get on track, when My primary goal right now is to get pregnant again - probably within the next few weeks.

i'm not sure what i am expecting in terms of replies, I just don't know what to do. It seems like my only option is to try to get on track for 3-4 weeks, and then face the fact I'll likely have to put it on hold again. It's REALLY hard to get motivated knowing that it's going to be temporary in a sense. I keep thinking if I can just make it through the first trimester, and the nausea and food aversions leave, I can focus on eating healthy during the next pregnancy - I'm just really struggling internally at the moment.

nomeejerome · July 2013

This is blunt, but that really sucks. I hope you do whatever you think is best for you and your family. The grief process can be a screwy experience, but it is a process. I wish you the best. :flowerforyou:

FitterStrongerHappier · July 2013

Thank you

thenextstep · July 2013

Sorry for your loss. I hope your family heals well from your loss. I would say you should get back on the weightloss train. The workouts will help with your stress. Maybe if you start eating healthy again that could become a craving. I hope you well in your next pregnancy!

Mslmesq · July 2013

Mental big hug. I'm so, so sorry for what you are going through! First of all, give yourself a break. Do not be hard on yourself for anything you have or have not done. You have been through something very traumatic. If you put on a few pounds as a coping mechanism to get you through a period of mourning, then thank goodness you had something to help you. As far as weight gain, no biggie and it's not permanent.

Now, most importantly your mental health. Do you have a support network in place? Perhaps a counselor to meet with? Meditation? Even nature walks. Once your mind frame starts to clear and you process and grieve the losses, the rest will follow.

Good thoughts with you.

36Frieda · July 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. You need to do what you need to do to make it through.
I did loose about 40 pounds a number of years back. When I was getting close to my goal when one of my children was diagnosed with a serious livelong disability. I had a hard time adjusting and figuring out how to navigate doctors and special education services. Dealing with all that was much easier while eating healthy. When times get tough be kind to your body and take care of yourself.

FitterStrongerHappier · July 2013

Thank you everyone. I do want to start working out, can't just yet as I am still recovering from surgery (just getting out of my chair can be uncomfortable at the moment) - I imagine next week some light activity will be ok, and we'll see about where to go from there.

I am trying to cope on my own mostly. My husband is here of course, but it's just hard to talk to people close to me, because I just can't manage to talk about it without crying. as odd as it is, it's easier to talk in a non-personal place like this, I'm typing instead of 'talking' and talking is more painful for some odd reason. I feel a bit like a train wreck at the moment - and know I am eating stuff - kind of in a self destructive way. i.e., choosing junk even when I don't want it and/or know it will make me feel like crap. It kind of takes my mind off the other pain. I also know, that being aware of it, I know that I will stop it soon. It's part of the sadness and grief, even today, I noticed the destructive eating was taking a turn - still not great choices, but I didn't eat till i was sick either. I am starting to crave my healthy foods - fruit, salad, etc - I just need to get to the store to have some of those in the house, so I can turn to them instead of the junk (haven't felt up to shopping but will try to do that tonight or tomorrow) one thing I have learned, after a year or so of this new chapter in my life, is that good food, makes my body feel good, lower nutritional value food, makes me feel kind of gross. Weird how when you feel like crap emotionally, you gravitate toward the food that makes you feel like crap physically. Misery loves company, right?

Part of me is soo ready to just start eating better, calorie counting or no, I am just ready for my foods that made me feel good - and lately I haven't been eating those. I suppose that's a bit of a eureka moment for me? Instead of eating crap and wanting to down spiral into old habits, I'm eating crap and realizing I want to get out of this hole and back to the life I had. Just need to get there.

treagal · July 2013

Do something for yourself, take care of yourself, eat right and continue on the path to health and wellness. When you get off track and stop taking proper care of yourself you let yourself yourself down. Just becuase you are planning a pregnancy doesn't mean you need to stop trying to lose weight or be healthy, it's all the more reason to make better choices. The better you take care of yourself, the better you will recover from this next pregnancy. Friend me, I would love to support you.

treagal · July 2013

Thank you everyone. I do want to start working out, can't just yet as I am still recovering from surgery (just getting out of my chair can be uncomfortable at the moment) - I imagine next week some light activity will be ok, and we'll see about where to go from there.

I am trying to cope on my own mostly. My husband is here of course, but it's just hard to talk to people close to me, because I just can't manage to talk about it without crying. as odd as it is, it's easier to talk in a non-personal place like this, I'm typing instead of 'talking' and talking is more painful for some odd reason. I feel a bit like a train wreck at the moment - and know I am eating stuff - kind of in a self destructive way. i.e., choosing junk even when I don't want it and/or know it will make me feel like crap. It kind of takes my mind off the other pain. I also know, that being aware of it, I know that I will stop it soon. It's part of the sadness and grief, even today, I noticed the destructive eating was taking a turn - still not great choices, but I didn't eat till i was sick either. I am starting to crave my healthy foods - fruit, salad, etc - I just need to get to the store to have some of those in the house, so I can turn to them instead of the junk (haven't felt up to shopping but will try to do that tonight or tomorrow) one thing I have learned, after a year or so of this new chapter in my life, is that good food, makes my body feel good, lower nutritional value food, makes me feel kind of gross. Weird how when you feel like crap emotionally, you gravitate toward the food that makes you feel like crap physically. Misery loves company, right?

Part of me is soo ready to just start eating better, calorie counting or no, I am just ready for my foods that made me feel good - and lately I haven't been eating those. I suppose that's a bit of a eureka moment for me? Instead of eating crap and wanting to down spiral into old habits, I'm eating crap and realizing I want to get out of this hole and back to the life I had. Just need to get there.

So sorry for your loss. Thoughts and prayers are with you.

Runs4Wine · July 2013

First of all, I'm so very sorry for your loss and the rough year you've had overall. I cannot imagine the pain but you will heal physically and I hope you can find an outlet for your grief - whether it's talking about it with people IRL or on various boards.

When it comes to your food choices, I know I personally feel better when I eat well - not only do I feel less guilty but eating well just improves my overall well being and physical feeling. Perhaps rely on some family/friends to assist with making you dinners/meals while you are coping with loss. Do you have anyone that can step in and take some of that burden off - even if it's one day a week? At least it's something.

Secondly, you mention wanting to try and get pregnant again ASAP. Working on eating well and tracking your food will help in WL which potentially could help you get pregnant sooner. Remember you may not get pregnant the first try, so why not focus on eating well until the BFP comes?

I wish you best of luck and don't underestimate the time it takes to go through the grieving process.

anewlife1980 · July 2013

As someone who's been through a miscarriage almost identically to yours (found out at 12wks 2 days via u/s, my daughter was just shy of 5yrs old), I will tell you, first & foremost, let your body & your mind heal. That has to happen before you can worry about anything else in your life. It took me months to get in a good head space again & getting back to work after a few mths helped as well. It helped keep me busy. But It was 3yrs before I stopped remembering my due date, even though by then I had been preg & had a successful preg with my now 4yr old son. I just needed to remember. I have a little baby angel I put on the top of my tree every Christmas & that is pretty much now the only time I actually intentionally think about him (I too think it was a boy). Otherwise it just comes up every now & then. While you are going through the motions of healing (talk to friends/family/spouse its more common then you know. Let yourself grieve & cry if you need too) you can still continue to make healthy food choices so that when you are ready to reconsider another pregnancy you will already have a head start. Whether you decide to try again or not, eating healthy is always a benefit to you & your body. But don't feel guilty if you have a day where you fall off the wagon, one meal of McD's isn't going to hurt as long as its not an every day thing. You lost 57lbs before, you can def pick up where you left off when you are ready & start again.

Feel free to add me & message if you ever want to just talk. I am more then happy to offer support where I can

(((hugs)))
xo

Mslmesq · July 2013

The things you are writing are quite normal indeed. And getting it out here, or wherever you feel safe letting it out, is perfectly fine. The important thing is to not bottle it up and to let it out. If you like writing, journaling can be extremely therapeutic as well. And absolutely nothing wrong with crying. If you can just cry and let it out that way...good for you. If there is any anger, a punching bag is great too. And that actually burns calories.

Don't worry about the food. Just hug yourself and tell yourself it's ok to take some time out for yourself right now. If you come down on yourself for one more thing, when you are already in a trying period, it just adds extra pressure and stress.

sunglasses_and_ocean_waves · July 2013

I am so sorry for your loss. It's been 14 years for me, and I can feel the rawness of your post. Like another poster said, let your body heal first. That doesn't mean eat like a piggy, but don't pressure yourself to lose weight. It's so hard to carry pregnancy weight after a loss. But you know what I remember? I remember reading you're most fertile 3 months following a loss. I went for it, and my son is in the next room playing computer games right now. You do what you have to do. You're in grief. {{hugs}}

FitterStrongerHappier · July 2013

Thank you all so very much for your kind words and support. Oddly, it helps. Helps to just 'talk' about it.. Thank you again..

TruckersWifeTruckersLife · July 2013

I am sorry for your loss I do know how you feel as I lost my little one but in very early pregnancy but it still hurt like hell. I know you said that you want to get back into shape but take your time maybe start with little things like going for a walk it will give you time to think and slowly get your body back into shape, do you have an exercise bike or go to a gym if so do that if you have music on your phone like i do put your earphones in and listen to your music while you do your walking etc block out the rest of the world for a bit.
You can add me as a friend if you wish that is up to you i am here if you want to talk:flowerforyou:

Cori_Mac · July 2013

Many, many hugs for you.

I also found out that I had lost my pregnancy at about 13 weeks. It was heartbreaking, and I still have sad moments about that 12 years later.

May I gently suggest that you let your body heal from this loss, and your surgery, before trying to become pregnant again? Your hormones are all over the place right now, and it's a good thing to allow your body to calm and the hormones to settle. Focus on gaining your whole health (emotionally, physically, etc.) at this time.

I'm proud of you for reaching out. It's almost an impossible feeling to handle. Please feel free to add me.

Much love.

maab12 · July 2013

I know what your going through I lost a baby at 11 weeks in December 2011. Its hard dealing with the loss of a baby and knowing which way to go is key. I waited 2 months on the recommendation of the doctor and tried to lose weight. when I got pregnant again It took every ounce of will not to gain 60 pounds I only gained 30 and I have a beautiful baby girl who is turning 5 months in a couple of weeks.

You need to do what is best for you. when you get pregnant again the goal will be what you want it to be and what is best for you.

(((Hugs)))
feel free to add me if you want to talk

Mgregory723 · July 2013

Oh my, I am so sorry for your loss. I know all to well about losing a pregnancy, not as far along as you were, but I know that pain, feel the pain. Nothing matters but what you lost. You eat the pain away, sleep the pain away, and just give up. I would not wish this anyone. Give yourself time to get mad, time to cry, time to except, time to grieve and just TIME. It may feel like your life is over but time will heal the wounds you feel now. You may never forget (hold the memory close now) but you can move on.

I am here if you need to talk.
Melissa

miranda_mom · July 2013

So very sorry for your loss. You are obviously a strong person. Please don't put too much pressure on yourself. It is good to try to eat as healthy as possible, work out when you can, etc. but don't beat yourself up if you can't make your "goal". #1 goal should be to heal right now.

FitterStrongerHappier · July 2013

Thank you so much again. What is both comforting and so incredibly sad at the same time, is how many of us have experienced this and share the pain. It's kind of like I'm in a room with a large audience for some other purpose, and slowly, one by one, people everywhere stand up showing that they, too, have gone through this. While I knew - or had heard the statistics - that it is so incredibly common, it's heartbreaking, and yet, in a way, comforting, to know that so many of us share a common bond. The understanding is amazing, and I can't thank you all enough. :flowerforyou:

tabbykat6802 · July 2013

I have been where you are right now. In 2008, I found out I was pregnant and had just lost 17 lbs. At 8 weeks, we went in for the u/s and found out that we had lost the baby. Due to the depression, 2 d&c's a week apart(from leftover clots) and a seizure, I gained all of the weight plus some within the following 2 months.

I have now dedicated myself to learning to live a better lifestyle. I am here for you if you would like someone around.

::Hugs::

cateyedkp · July 2013

...as odd as it is, it's easier to talk in a non-personal place like this, I'm typing instead of 'talking' and talking is more painful for some odd reason. I feel a bit like a train wreck at the moment - and know I am eating stuff - kind of in a self destructive way. i.e., choosing junk even when I don't want it and/or know it will make me feel like crap. It kind of takes my mind off the other pain...

Part of me is soo ready to just start eating better, calorie counting or no, I am just ready for my foods that made me feel good - and lately I haven't been eating those. I suppose that's a bit of a eureka moment for me? Instead of eating crap and wanting to down spiral into old habits, I'm eating crap and realizing I want to get out of this hole and back to the life I had. Just need to get there.

Sigh. I am sending you the biggest interwebs-hug I can right now. I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

I'm in a very similar boat. I found out I had a "partial molar pregnancy" 6 weeks ago at my first prenatal appointment (almost 12 weeks along). It's a fluke where one egg is fertilized by two sperm at the same time. I had never heard of it. Basically a baby had started to form, but since it had too many chromosomes, it turned into a rapidly growing tumor- that in rare cases can become cancerous.

I had surgery that Friday, and I've been having blood drawn every week to make sure my hCG level makes it down to zero (if the levels started going up again or stop dropping, it would mean they missed some tumor cells and I'd have to have chemo). I'm almost at zero now, but the whole thing has been really...hard. Once I hit zero, I have to get blood drawn monthly for 6 months, and we have to wait at least that long before trying again. You described yourself as a "train wreck"- that's the exact phrase I've been using too. I'm up, I'm down, I'm all over the place- you aren't alone in feeling this way.

Like you, I found it much easier to talk about on the internet. I belong to a couple of really supportive private forums online, and they were amazing in the days right after the surgery. I ended up deciding to "go public" about it on my blog/FB. It was too tiring either having to tell people over and over in person, or pretending to be fine. I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders after I posted about it. My husband was relieved too.

As for coping, I started the same as you- mindlessly eating to cope. That lasted for about a week after the surgery (while I was healing) and then I forcibly switched my green light to healthy mode. I felt frustrated and physically uncomfortable at this weight, so that's been all I've been focusing on. I've had to drag myself kicking and screaming into my workouts, but I'm channeling my sadness and stress into my workouts and cooking/eating great food. I've dropped 8.2 lbs in just over 4 weeks, and I feel physically much stronger than I did. For me- this is a marathon and not a sprint. When we get cleared to try to get pregnant again in 6 months or so, I want to be able to run and exercise. Emotionally, I'm still struggling, but I think the endorphins from exercising must be helping in some way.

You said it yourself, you are ready to eat food that is good- throw yourself into it and focus your mind on that. Don't even count calories right now, just eat good food. Make a deal with yourself to only put healthful things in your body. Once you start eating more consciously, you might find in a few days that you are ready to log how much you are eating. And if you feel up to it, even if you just get a teeny whim, make yourself go for a walk. Get moving somehow, some way. All you can focus on is today. Eat good food today. Move around today. If you mess up today, no worries- you'll have a new day in the morning. And before you know it, a few weeks will have passed, and you might feel a little bit healthier.

Huge hugs to you- I hope you start to feel better soon

bluestarlight19 · July 2013

I'm so sorry for your loss. Lost and lots of hugs.
Just grieve, and don't be afraid to talk about it even if you end up crying. Its a release, don't hide the pain, especially from your husband. Do what you can for now to get through it. Don't rush to get pregnant again if you don't feel up to it. Just relax, take your time and heal. Do what you need to do to get through it.
Also, as to the nausea/ food cravings....was it constant? Like so bad that you could barely eat or only eat certain things? If so you might want to look into hyperemisis. I had that...it means meds (pepcid, vit b6, unisom, zofran), constant crippling nausea and being sick 10+ times/day until I hit 20 weeks. Food aversions continued until the day after I gave birth. And it was the same for both pregnancies. Just so you know...even though it can be very very rough, just eat what your body tells you to, especially in the beginning, just go with the cravings and avoid the aversions (for my first it was salads weirdly and for my second I couldn't even look at a banana without being sick). Oh and gummy prenatal vitamins are awesome! I was so sick I actually lost 25lbs 1st tri and after I gave birth was 30lbs under my pre-preg weight.

Recovering from surgery and a lost Pregnancy, a bit lost..

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