Bad Parenting!!

Sonj1973
Sonj1973 Posts: 188 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I'm a single parent and my son is overweight for his height and age so being a good parent, I fuel him full of fresh fruit and veggies, minimal processed foods etc and ensure we keep active....It's slow and sometimes difficult to motivate him but I get around it.

The funny thing is his dad who has always struggled with his weight (and his sister whom had the gastric band) throughout his life became extremely obese and depressed, tends to fills him full of sweets, cakes, take outs and "CRAP" the minute my head is turned..... WTF!

It's not 'A Cake' no It will be the whole packet! Not a bag of crisps the whole 6 pack etc....Fizzy drinks, My sons 8 yrs. and he allows him to drink energy drinks. Although I have had this out with him every time it makes no difference, I even thought of telling him that I would stop him from seeing him, but the thing is my son would be absolutely distraught as he adores his dad..... and I'd feel dreadful trying to go to such extremes! I even went to get help from a dietician from the hospital whom said I was doing everything right to support my son, but his father had to stop feeding him crap....again made no difference at all

Also I need to take into account my sons behaviour! When he's with his dad he does whatever he likes, until his dad has had enough, with me I try and teach him what is socially expectable and what is not, because of the confusion he struggles making friends, does not appreciate that 'no means no' and vents a lot of his anger towards me, when I don't let him get his own way sometimes psychically.

Hence if I withdraw him from his dad this will intensify however if I allow his dad to continue being this way it's not going to improve... "BRICK WALL'!!!!!!

What would you do??

Replies

  • PunkinSpice79
    PunkinSpice79 Posts: 309 Member
    I'm so sorry! I don't know what you can do except maybe explain to your son that the reason his dad is overweight is because he makes such poor food choices. :(

    My husband made the mistake of being his son's friend instead of father. It totally back fired on him. If it makes you feel any better, from the other side, my husband truly regrets his behavior and the damage it has done to the relationship with his now 18 year old son.
  • ash190489
    ash190489 Posts: 587 Member
    If he truly cared about his son he would care about his health and well being. I would give him the statistics of the outcomes of childhood obesity and the risks of it, if it continues I would assume he is neglecting his sons needs to live a healthy life and therefore doesn't care about his son and personally I would say to him that if he continues to abuse his child with these constant foods and choices that he truly is risking not seeing his son... Or at least as often. The occasional visit and junk food won't kill him, HIIT seriously he's not his sons friend, he's meant to be a role model and show his son how to lead a healthy happy life.

    I know it's extreme and will impact on your son, but I'd much rather limit visits to dad if this is how he is going to treat him. Kids don't understand the impact food is necessarily is having on their bodies... I'm constantly teaching children at school and find it horrendous what parents put in children's lunch boxes!!! Makes me so upset. But to me this could be considered child abuse.
  • teresaforeman91
    teresaforeman91 Posts: 36 Member
    Oh its hard when your trying to be a good role model and set an example for your kids and someone runs in and ruins it isnt it!! I feel your pain! I'm still new to the mummy scene.. my little boy is a week off 7 months old. So far his solids have been really healthy while he's getting accustomed to eating food.. fruit..veg..basic meat etc. I want to set a good example to him and was hoping to keep him away from crap for a while yet.. anyway i was making him some din dins last night, when i came into the lounge room to see his nanna letting him chew on a slice of fatty greasy cheesy pizza :( im still shattered! It was taken away from him of course but he was screaming for it... i had a cry.it probably sounds silly but i couldn't help it. i was so annoyed and upset over the whole situation. After all.. we are the ones they look up to for guidance.
    I would talk to him if i were you.. see if you can get your point of view across. Make him realise what all the junk could do not only to his health, but his physical and emotional state as he grows older. Best of luck ox
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    I'm so sorry :( Can you try and schedule a pediatrician appointment with his dad so he can hear it from the doctor?
  • jayebennett
    jayebennett Posts: 11
    I am not sure what type of relationship what you have with the dad, but I would sit down with him and civilly ask him if he is happy with his weight and health. If not, I would ask him if he wants a better life for his son than he has. most parents want a better life for their kid, but sometimes they don't realize what they are doing if it has been a part of their life for so long. Also I would ask for small changes. maybe 1 instead of the whole pack. i definitely would not address this as a total change, i think he would balk at that.

    if he is satisified with his health, i would do the doctor approach and 'shock' him via the doc with the health statistics.

    finally at 8, i would sit down with your son and discuss personal choice and responsibility. ask him how it makes him feel after he eats the whole pack of chips, soda, etc. how does he feel when he is with his dad. if he doesn't know, as soon as he is back with you, start a food/feeling journal with him asking probing questions. (if he writes it, it will help him with school work also :) !) I would ask him how he feels when moving, playing, etc. ask if he wants to feel better. show him (via doc also if necessary) statistics about health. blend this in with what he wants to grow up to be, speak honestly on limitations and perceptions.

    does he have a favorite sport? encourage this sport, train with him, make it fun, etc. work training and physical activity in lifestyle. but again, discuss and talk about fuel for the sport and body.

    in school does he do science fair/experiement stuff? do an 'experiment' with him. have him eat whatever he wants and go play his favorite sport (or at a park if he doesn't have one). record how he feels. the next day have him eat whatever you chose and go play the same thing. record how he feels. then explain differences in fuels, etc.

    start letting him make choices, guide and teach (labels, etc) but let him become knowledgeable in his health. do not become the food nazi, he will resent you. only this will allow him to be a functioning adult with little bad food habits.

    sorry so long, but this is what i would do. feel free to ignore or use.
  • Lizzy622
    Lizzy622 Posts: 3,705 Member
    Obviously the father cannot be the answer. You need to have a heart to heart with your son and explain that all you do is for him. He needs to take some responsibility when you are not around. Your son will not like it but you must be strong and keep repeating that you are doing it for him. You want him to lead a long, healthy and happy life. It may take years but you must be strong and keep repeating the message over and over again.
  • sharonfoustmills
    sharonfoustmills Posts: 519 Member
    Divorce is just so difficult for parents. Get your son in a sport, something that gets him exercise, and focus on helping him improve his sport. Dad will want to go to sports games possibly too. This gets him more active and burns calories. This could eventually lead to your son being more health conscious than his father.

    Struggling with an ex-spouse is so stressful, so I can empathize with you.
  • grrrlface
    grrrlface Posts: 1,204 Member
    The way his father is being with him is having a serious effect on him if he feels that he needs to take it out on you, sometimes physically, everytime you tell him something is not acceptable. That is not behaviour I would put up with as a responsible parent. Please don't let that continue or you will be the one taken advantage of as he gets older.

    Take care of yourself and do what you think is best for your son. I don't think his father is doing him any favours, that's why he loves him now but later down the line he'll wonder why he didn't pay more attention to you x
  • Kittyvicious1
    Kittyvicious1 Posts: 190 Member
    Are u able to get proof of all your 'assumptions' and request a review of child custody from the court. The well being of the child is more important and there are many absent fathers and children do well mentally and physically.
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
    That's pretty awful. I get along pretty well with my ex so it makes it easier to be on the same page about things. I agree with the poster who said to schedule an appointment with the pediatrician and the three of you should all go. Just because you're divorced doesn't mean you're not family.
  • nxd10
    nxd10 Posts: 4,570 Member
    He needs his dad. He needs to eat well.

    Explain - in little tiny bits - why you're feeding him the way you are.
    Explain how he can have any of the treats his dad gives him (except the energy drinks) - but in small quantities
    Get him to think about how he feels when he eats too much. The taste is awesome for the first bite, and less and less when he eats more. And your stomach feels gross if you eat too much crap. Eat a little. Enjoy it. Stop.

    Praise him for making good choices
    Tell him you're so happy to see him stop eating when he's not hungry any more

    I study parenting for a living and actually write a blog for Psychology Today on it. The best thing you can do is give him the information and power to make good decisions when he's not with you and praise, praise, praise him for good choices. And do the right thing when you ARE with him.

    I would tell him no energy drinks though. Just tell him you don't want him to eat them. They are made for people way bigger than him and they will make him sick. That's the one thing I'd talk to his dad about. (If talking to him about the rest of it doesn't help or isn't possible.)
  • Sonj1973
    Sonj1973 Posts: 188 Member
    Thanks for all the input, I have tried the majority of what has been put forward, and I do think persistence is the key.....even though it's hard I do manage the tantrums... On reflection I think the best way forward is the scare tactics via the doctor and invite my son's father along..

    I do keep my son active, boxing, cycling, swimming (I reward him for each length swum) 20 to date, He participates in after school activities, dodge ball and games, I take him hiking, when he's at home I do something with him everyday....I took him to the doctors originally as his level of activity and the additional weight he was carrying concerned me as it didn't add up, and medically there wasn't a problem....

    Each year he puts on an extra stone he is 8 yrs. old and 112 lbs..... He longs to wear a pair of jeans but I am unable to get any to fit him...I think I could use this to encourage him and promise him I will take him clothes shopping for jeans once he has achieved his goal :)

    Again thanks for the input it's very much appreciated :)

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