How to Talk to Your Daughter About Her Body

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hep26000
hep26000 Posts: 156 Member
in Motivation and Support
An artical from the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-koppelkam/body-image_b_3678534.html

How to talk to your daughter about her body, step one: Don't talk to your daughter about her body, except to teach her how it works.
Don't say anything if she's lost weight. Don't say anything if she's gained weight.
If you think your daughter's body looks amazing, don't say that. Here are some things you can say instead:
"You look so healthy!" is a great one.
Or how about, "You're looking so strong."
"I can see how happy you are -- you're glowing."
Better yet, compliment her on something that has nothing to do with her body.
Don't comment on other women's bodies either. Nope. Not a single comment, not a nice one or a mean one.
Teach her about kindness towards others, but also kindness towards yourself.
Don't you dare talk about how much you hate your body in front of your daughter, or talk about your new diet. In fact, don't go on a diet in front of your daughter. Buy healthy food. Cook healthy meals. But don't say, "I'm not eating carbs right now." Your daughter should never think that carbs are evil, because shame over what you eat only leads to shame about yourself.
Encourage your daughter to run because it makes her feel less stressed. Encourage your daughter to climb mountains because there is nowhere better to explore your spirituality than the peak of the universe. Encourage your daughter to surf, or rock climb, or mountain bike because it scares her and that's a good thing sometimes.
Help your daughter love soccer or rowing or hockey because sports make her a better leader and a more confident woman. Explain that no matter how old you get, you'll never stop needing good teamwork. Never make her play a sport she isn't absolutely in love with.
Prove to your daughter that women don't need men to move their furniture.
Teach your daughter how to cook kale.
Teach your daughter how to bake chocolate cake made with six sticks of butter.
Pass on your own mom's recipe for Christmas morning coffee cake. Pass on your love of being outside.
Maybe you and your daughter both have thick thighs or wide ribcages. It's easy to hate these non-size zero body parts. Don't. Tell your daughter that with her legs she can run a marathon if she wants to, and her ribcage is nothing but a carrying case for strong lungs. She can scream and she can sing and she can lift up the world, if she wants.
Remind your daughter that the best thing she can do with her body is to use it to mobilize her beautiful soul.

Replies

  • Pearsquared
    Pearsquared Posts: 1,656 Member
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    I always think to reward behavior, not results. In this case, make no mention of your daughter's weight, overweight or otherwise. Instead, commend her when she eats her vegetables and runs a mile in gym class.
  • cherryrobot
    cherryrobot Posts: 64 Member
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    Saw this and LOVE it.
  • christineellis
    christineellis Posts: 296 Member
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    Love this. I have twin daughters that are absolutely perfect! I just need to not screw them up with my own issues. :flowerforyou: They are my diet police right now and I'm guessing that is NOT a good thing for them. I am almost 50 and still doing lots of exercise as a good example, but my eating is my main issue and has always been...

    I will try to not expose them to that and just set a healthy good example from now on!
  • fannyfrost
    fannyfrost Posts: 756 Member
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    My daughter is 19yo. I always told her she looked strong and healthy and that healthy eating was important. However, the rest of the world just messed with her head. She was told she is too skinny or told your so thin, how would I lose weight to be thin like you. She was under 10 with most of this. She became so self conscious that when she lost 2 lbs (mind you her weight was fine still) she cried for an hour.

    The only time I commented is when she got back from college after the first year, she lost muscle from not working out and she was really thin. I was concerned about her not being healthy and pushed her to get to a gym and do weight lifting. (she is working a at a camp now, hard to workout after, but still pushing it on weekends).

    We do the best we can, but other people really can screw with a kids head. People are so stupid.

    FYI, I have never dieted when I talk to my daughter I tell her that I am eating healthy to feel better. And 90% that is true, but it is awesome when things that were tight aren't as tight.
  • ewells2420
    ewells2420 Posts: 75
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    Or ... you know ... just be honest.
  • fitpam90x
    fitpam90x Posts: 197 Member
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    This is amazing and exactly what I needed and what I tell the girls around me since I'm no mommy yet haha :laugh:

    I grew up struggling with body image disorders which lead to more complex things regarding my relationship with food. I grew up hearing how women want to be thin and skinny and look good in clothes and how my sister always wanted to become thinner and look good for the "beach" and that's the only way a girl can meet someone.

    But THIS is exactly what is should be like in our society today and thank you for posting this. These quotes and thoughts for the past year or so have really changed my outlook on how to take to other girls and women my age and how I personally view fitness. Cheers! :drinker:
  • TwinkieDong
    TwinkieDong Posts: 1,564 Member
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    shouldnt this be a universal thing to both boys and girls?
  • Linda916
    Linda916 Posts: 124 Member
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    some really great points to be reminded of when raising young ladies.... but I'm not in a perfect world..... and I am not the perfect mother and I dont have the perfect daughters......I always promote my daughters but when they are failing, then that needs to be pointed out too.....by me and in a way coming from love but still pointed out. Isn't that my job?
  • glovepuppet
    glovepuppet Posts: 1,710 Member
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    shouldnt this be a universal thing to both boys and girls?
    yes, of course. but society has double standards.
    people told my son he was smart, tall, strong, gifted.
    people told my daughter she was pretty. and that's it.
    consistently. for years. it seems like everybody did it.

    ...and then we would get home and i'd explain that these people were tedious imbeciles and that her looks, despite her being pretty, are the least important and impressive thing about her.

    next time you spend time around kids, keep a compliment tab in your head. make a note of what the boys & girls get complimented on.
  • ewells2420
    ewells2420 Posts: 75
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    some really great points to be reminded of when raising young ladies.... but I'm not in a perfect world..... and I am not the perfect mother and I dont have the perfect daughters......I always promote my daughters but when they are failing, then that needs to be pointed out too.....by me and in a way coming from love but still pointed out. Isn't that my job?

    You sound like a good mom. People are complacent, and will not change unless something shakes their very foundation. Sometimes you have to hurt to love.
  • NostalgicMuse
    NostalgicMuse Posts: 340 Member
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    shouldnt this be a universal thing to both boys and girls?
    yes, of course. but society has double standards.
    people told my son he was smart, tall, strong, gifted.
    people told my daughter she was pretty. and that's it.
    consistently. for years. it seems like everybody did it.

    ...and then we would get home and i'd explain that these people were tedious imbeciles and that her looks, despite her being pretty, are the least important and impressive thing about her.

    next time you spend time around kids, keep a compliment tab in your head. make a note of what the boys & girls get complimented on.
    Boys are just as aware of how they appear to others...but it's true that girls will hear less about their accomplishments in general...I do think times are changing though...thank goodness.
  • hep26000
    hep26000 Posts: 156 Member
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    I was 19 when I had my oldest and she is almost 10 years old now. She has seen me try to lose weight before but it wasn't until recently that I realized what potential 'damage' I might do by certain words I say out loud. Usually putting myself down. Since having my second daughter almost 2 years ago, I have really changed my focus to not put myself down but to lift myself up. I use the terms eating healthy or that I want to go for a walk to be more healthy. My daughter thinks I am beautiful. I have noticed her looking at her body and wondering if she is good or not. She has made comments about losing weight and she is a perfect size. I tell her it is not about losing weight but staying active and healthy and getting stronger.
    I really liked this article.
  • christineellis
    christineellis Posts: 296 Member
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    Bump!
  • PandaPudges
    PandaPudges Posts: 45
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    I have to say my parents never said anything about my body or how I look and were very supportive about my accomplishments... But my mother was very vocal about HER body and her insecurity over it and then as soon as I was in public on my own others told me I was too fat for them to be seen with or too tall for a girl and other nasty negative things and in no way was I prepared for that and it has damaged my self-esteem in a deep and permanent way.

    I agree with being supportive of your children and teaching them that body image is not the only thing t hat is important, but not preparing them for the nastiness of others is not a good idea.
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
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    I have a teenager daughter.

    When she was 9 or 10 she brought up her weight. Our build is a bit more solid, not the willowy, wispy look of some girls that age. I told her she was fine.

    When she was 12 or 13 she was pretty much done growing (she's added <1" since then) but kept eating like she was growing. I wanted to be very careful broaching the subject, as I had heard a lot of "you're not fat yet but if you keep eating like that you will be" and such as a child/teen and it really messed with my body image. Didn't want to do that to her. But I delicately brought up how we need to eat the right amount for our body and not mindlessly snack when we aren't hungry (since she was doing that). She pretty much ignored me, but still had those same weight concerns most girls her age do.

    At her 14 year checkup, the doctor showed her growth charts, pointed out she hadn't grown in the last year, but had still put on as much weight as in the years where she had been growing an inch a year. The doctor's words were "This isn't a problem yet, but do you see how if this pattern continues, it might be concerning?" For some reason, hearing it from the doctor made an impact … it didn't shatter her self confidence or give her a distorted body image, but it did help her realize she needed to pay more attention to her eating. The Dr gave a referral to meet with a RD, and one meeting was enough.

    Since then my daughter has taken control of her food intake. She knows it's okay to have fun, to eat treats sometimes, and to enjoy her food, but she's no longer reaching for the bread and crackers when she's bored. Her confidence is actually improving, because she knows what's appropriate for her body (as far as food, and as far as weight/size).

    But I think … what if the doctor never said anything, and I was afraid to bring it up? How many girls have body issues because no one talks to them about it? So I can't agree with, only talk to her about her body in regards to how it functions. Because, if we don't talk about a healthy body, she'll get false ideas from friends and the media, which can set up a lot more problems than a loving mother (or a concerned doctor) being bold and delicate enough to broach the topic of how much food and how much activity is necessary and appropriate.

    Does talking about a healthy body/weight mean that we value it above all else? Well, if that's all we talk about, yes. But if we put time and energy into helping and encouraging our daughters (and sons) to focus on talents and skills, to do well in school, to be a good friend, etc, and praise them for intelligence and aptitude and not just beauty, then talking about a healthy body along with all of that won't give the impression that being pretty and skinny (or buff/muscular/strong for boys) is the only thing we care about.
  • quirkytizzy
    quirkytizzy Posts: 4,052 Member
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    You sound like a good mom. People are complacent, and will not change unless something shakes their very foundation. Sometimes you have to hurt to love.

    A positive self image goes a lot further in implementing change than one that repeats "I'm useless" over and over to itself.
  • BeachIron
    BeachIron Posts: 6,490 Member
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    Some good, some a bit over the top in the OP, but it's from the Huffington Post. No surprise there.

    We are striving to help our daughters grow to become healthy, strong, self confident, and self aware adults. I no more want them to be clueless than to have low self esteem. It takes a balance of carrot and stick, support and pushing. There are no simple solutions to that. It takes a lot of love and a lot of work, but I wouldn't trade being a father for the world.

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