A helpful or hurtful spouse?
Replies
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I feel your pain. My wife does the shopping and will pretty much get whatever I request. With that being said, she will bring home ice cream, cookies, potato chips. She has a very bad habit of after dinner eating some ice cream, then turns around to get rid of the sugar taste....grabs the bag of chips and will munch some chips. Drive me crazy, and she can't figured why she can't lose weight. She KNOWS why, but doesn't do anything to correct it. She also doesn't mind my going to the gym...well sometimes she does, but she does nothing for herself, and Lord knows I've tried.0
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It's sabotage plain and simple.
Mine did this. He would wave food in front of my face going mmmmmm mmmmm. I mean seriously was he about 10 years old?
I have an addiction to certain foods. Waving the bottle of booze in front of an alcoholic is cruel.
The joke ended when I ended up in the hospital for 4 days.
He has never done it again.
I agree with doing the sweep of the house every time he brings it in and it goes in the bin outside.
OP joined MFP one year ago, lost 5 lbs, doesn't log on a regular basis...let me guess...it's all her husbands fault.
So, this is sending what kind of signal to her husband exactly? That she won't lose any weight and be consistent until he learns to stop buying cookies and candy?
She didn't say he's waving it front of her face...just buying it. Completely different set of circumstances.0 -
You are responsible for what you put in your mouth. You are not responsible for how your husband chooses to feel about what you put in your mouth.0
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screw it. i want to change my original answer from what i said to HE"S SABOTAGING YOU, GRRRRRRRLLLLL. I just want to fit in.
if it's too late for me to get on the SABOTAGE bandwagon, my second choice is HE"S JEALOUS OF YOUR PROGRESS.0 -
I think those of you saying, "He's not force-feeding you the cookies!" are not getting it.
He's her partner and is supposed to care about her, she has explained the situation to him fully, yet he still does it.
No one expects a total stranger to not eat cookies in front of her, but you would think a loving partner would be supportive.
Secondly, why should anyone who is trying to lose weight have to eat cookies and candy to make anyone else feel better?
Personally, I like few cookies and even less candy so those aren't really triggers for me (it's potato chips for me) but I'm not really supposed to be eating a lot of sugar either.
So either the partner isn't clearly understanding the stakes, or is just being selfish. My vote is to make it crystal clear and if it happens again, trash it or tell him that he now eats somewhere else.
I imagine this is how this would go in my house.
'Dear, due to the fact I'm dieting and eat roughly 800 calories less than you we have to remove all the soda, wheat thins, and oreoes from the house. I just can't control myself. Barring that you need to eat in the other room."
Husband: Don't eat them if you can't fit them into your day.
Me: But I'm addicted! Just the very sight of pepsi makes me crave it!
Husband: Ah. I have a solution for both of us.
Me: Magically finds myself outside with a plane ticket back to North Carolina.
Husband: Inside, eating his wheat thins and wondering when I lost my damn mind.0 -
Sabotage is a little dramatic, but it IS really hard to have junky stuff you love in the house when you're trying to change your habits, particularly in the beginning. Fortunately for me, I do all the grocery shopping. Unfortunately for my husband and son, the only junky stuff most of the time is junky stuff I don't like. If I don't buy a giant container of cookies from Costco, then they won't be there at 8:00 in the evening when my resolve has weakened. I'm unlikely to drive all the way to the store to buy some, so I eat fruit or something else that works better for me instead.
I've been working on these habits for about 3 months, so I'm able to relax a wee bit now. I bought a box of Twinkies the other day because my skinny son adores them. 3 months ago I'd have eaten a good portion of the box. They've been in there 3 days now, and I've had ONE. I understand why she doesn't want junk hanging around the house, particularly when you're trying to start doing better.
It's easy to say just don't eat it. But if it were that easy to DO, there wouldn't be nearly as many overweight people.0 -
Husband: Ah. I have a solution for both of us.
Me: Magically finds myself outside with a plane ticket back to North Carolina.
Husband: Inside, eating his wheat thins and wondering when I lost my damn mind.
Your husband would chose Wheat Thins over you? Ugh.0 -
Husband: Ah. I have a solution for both of us.
Me: Magically finds myself outside with a plane ticket back to North Carolina.
Husband: Inside, eating his wheat thins and wondering when I lost my damn mind.
Your husband would chose Wheat Thins over you? Ugh.
Wheat thins over being regulated to a separate room to eat because of my poor impulse control/will power. And I wouldn't blame him for it.0 -
ok so I think husbands cant help it. mine was the same and a few times he suggested sonic fir dinner. I cant eat sonic because it makes me sick and its just to high in calories and fat. even before I started losing weight. I screamed and yelled and threatened to leave him and divorce him if he brought me one more treat or suggested something so stupid again. okay I am diabetic and have to watch what I eat. so his pouting because I didn't want sonic caused me to go way too long without eating. only partially my fault. ok all my fault but whatever. finally sat him down and explained what the doctor said and how and why I was doing what I am doing. he is more understanding but he has his moments. he still insist on all you can eat buffets. ultimately it is me who choses what I eat. I alone am responsible for my choices so I cant hold him responsible. throwing away his treats untouched wasted was also a loud and clear signal I meant business. good luck. :laugh:0
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I dare my husband to try this. Theres one thing he likes better than sweets. sex Kind of hard to get any with a *****y wife.0
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I'm not exactly in the same situation as you but understand where you're coming from. My husband has been working very hard and has lost about 25 pounds. I'm very proud of him for it. He knows what he can or can't eat, and I'm not about to mother him. No thank you. He's a big boy and can make his own decisions, just like I can make my own.
If I don't want the Teddy Grahams that he just bought (which are calling me from the cabinet, but no) I'll simply not eat them. He didn't deny me my Girl Scout cookies several months back when he was working out and I was being fat(ter). (I kinda wish he would've, but whatevs.) Believe me, I weigh 225 lbs. I OBVIOUSLY don't have super-human willpower or else I would've never gotten to this weight. But since I've decided that being fat and unhealthy is not an option for me anymore - and I mean REALLY decided this - it's been easy to say no. I've gone out to eat twice this week (once with a pregnant lady. blah.) and still stayed within all of my goals. My choice.
If your hubs honestly gets his feelings hurt because you choose not to eat a sugary, carbohydrate filled "treat", then that's his own deal. Man up. But you also can't blame him if you have a moment of weakness and eat a cookie. Sure, not having the cookies in your house would be great, but I once made a sandwich from peanut butter and sweetened flaked coconut. (Holy fat girl, Batman!) Were there cookies in the house? No. Is peanut butter (sort of) healthy? Yes. And the coconut was in the cabinet with other baking things. I had decided to fail for the moment and found a way.
Temptation is everywhere. Just tell your man that while you appreciate the sentiment behind his gift, you're choosing not to eat those things right now, but that he's welcome to if that's what he chooses. And if you can start exercising with him, that would be fantastic! Take a walk. Do some squats, some push ups. Let HIM be part of your choice to change.0 -
husband and I are opposites with food and exercise. I eat my skinny cow ice cream sandwich at night. He eats his vanilla ice cream and cherry pie. Doesn't bother me though. I'm getting pretty good with my will power and I HATE cherry pie.
He used to go to the gym with me but doesn't any longer. Oh well. I'm taking care of ME. I eat lean cuisines and if he wants to eat something else, he can cook it
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OP, my fiance is the same way with all delicious junk food and sweet stuff. He's always really excited for me when I succeed and use to be a big "gym guy" about 6 years ago, so knows what I'm talking about and gives any tips he has and is just awesome. BUT he can't keep the fattening foods away! doughnuts, oreos, brownies, you name it! We keep these things all together in one cupboard in our kitchen. What I finally had to do was take s sticky note, write my goal weight on it nice and big with a sharpie and I taped it to the inside of the cupboard door. If I so much as open that door, I see it. I close that door every time!0
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Mine did used to do that too, until I sat down and talked to him about it. Now that he understands all the ways being overweight hinders my life, he is doing so much better in supporting me. The best way to get through to him is to find something that matters to him, for my husband this was less sex and the fact that I am having breathing problems so we cannot do as much stuff outdoors together.0
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screw it. i want to change my original answer from what i said to HE"S SABOTAGING YOU, GRRRRRRRLLLLL. I just want to fit in.
if it's too late for me to get on the SABOTAGE bandwagon, my second choice is HE"S JEALOUS OF YOUR PROGRESS.
It is the only way you will not be ripped apart on here.0 -
It's sabotage plain and simple.
Mine did this. He would wave food in front of my face going mmmmmm mmmmm. I mean seriously was he about 10 years old?
I have an addiction to certain foods. Waving the bottle of booze in front of an alcoholic is cruel.
The joke ended when I ended up in the hospital for 4 days.
He has never done it again.
I agree with doing the sweep of the house every time he brings it in and it goes in the bin outside.
Can I just say my husband has done this once in awhile still up to now for the whole months and months I've been doing this. Usually dessert because it's something we always shared. Usually he's waving a forkful of something superdelicious that he just HAS to share. Recently it was chocolate covered flourless goodness that I brought him from Solvang a town known for baking. Since he's paleo I found all the flourless treats and had them boxed up for him and brought them to him. One of them was so deadly good he could not contain himself and came at me with a forkful of yum. I instinctively ate it knowing he meant no harm and was just passionate and wanted to share. MEN like GIVING things to women. It's just their way. I knew it might put me a little over cals but he wasn't force feeding me a pile of slop it was just a nice gesture. I made room for it in my diary later that day or maybe the following I don't remember. All I know is not only did I NOT DIE, I still lost weight even up to today. Are these men really tying you all to things or saying Nya Nya Nya nyaaaaaaaaa you can't have some?0 -
I think some of these posts are a bit dramatic.
I have kids and a partner. I put their occasional junk food crap in another cupboard. Its that simple.
You will always have to make some concessions and its YOU on your journey NOT them. And whilst its great for everyone to be aboard the healthy eating train occasionally those only on it with you for motivational support want to get the hell off and eat the packet of smiths cheese and onion chips or a tim tam... I dont think they should be denied that to be honest.
If you really think it is a problem you can talk to him but why does it need to be a big deal?
If he brings you something home is it so bad you cant take a bite and say thank you? What is it worth in the end? An extra 5 minutes on the treadmill? I am sure he is not forcing it in your mouth, you can say no thanks if you really dont want to eat it.
I dont mean to sound unsupportive but temptation is everywhere and its going to be about how you manage it in the end that will keep the weight off for good.0 -
Get him a rubermaid container for all the naughty stuff and ask him to hide his stuff on you. He can buy it, he can eat it, but as long as it's hidden from you you're safe. If he gets angry at you for not eating it, then there is a problem. But don't ask him not to eat it. I make my husband hide those things from me so I am not tempted. He doesn't mind because there is more for him.
Whoever had comments regarding her progress - I think that is completely out of line. This is a weight loss forum. Many people here suffer from food addictions or eating disorders. Everyone has their own journey and nobody is better than the other for having better willpower. This forum should be the "safe place" for people struggling, not a place where we are compared with others. Everyone starts in another place.0 -
I have a husband who ate dry ground turkey and whole wheat for four months without complaint and then gave up bread and pasta with me when I went and switched to LCHF. I'd say that's supportive. Do you know what else he does? He'll surprise me with Ben & Jerrys ice cream because he knows I love it and it's hot out or maybe he'll ask me if I want take out for dinner instead of cooking. He's doing it because he loves me and wants me to be happy -- there is nothing hurtful about that!
I think it's sweet and I love him for it but there are limits so what I do is mark an X on the calendar with a highlighter anytime we splurge and have high carb food or a special occasion coming up where I know I'll indulge. It works out really well because he gets to do something nice for me (because that's what he's trying to do -- do something nice, not hurt me) and I can accept graciously and enjoy because it's only a once in awhile thing. At the same time, it's right there in black and white (they say men are visual :bigsmile: ) for us both to see so it's stays an occasional indulgence that's appreciated.
Good luck, I know it's hard at first but try and keep things in perspective and talk to your husband and set some limits on the amount of junk food he "treats" you to. If you stick with it and you'll find a balance that works for both of you.0 -
Your only option is to get divorced and move to a different country.
Obviously it's all his fault and you are the victim. He has control over you. You're helpless and should never accept responsibility for your own actions.
Oh and he should always bow down and kiss your feet....until you get divorced and move to a different country of course.
:yawn:0 -
Get him a rubermaid container for all the naughty stuff and ask him to hide his stuff on you. He can buy it, he can eat it, but as long as it's hidden from you you're safe. If he gets angry at you for not eating it, then there is a problem. But don't ask him not to eat it. I make my husband hide those things from me so I am not tempted. He doesn't mind because there is more for him.
My brother keeps his snacks in a drawer in their home office, that way it's out of my SIL's line of sight. It's also to keep the human vacuum of a teenager from eating junk food as well.0 -
I don't agree at all with the tone of the people with the disapproving posts. It's a bit harsh and judgemental. I don't think she necessarily claimed he was responsible for the fate of all her success.
The truth is, as I read somewhere in this very forum earlier, most of us are here because we have some degree of an addiction to certain foods. The approach here really lies in why he's continuing to buy the sweets. If it's merely for her sake alone, because he wants her to eat them, she's well within her right to want to talk to him about that and negotiate that healthier foods would make her much happier and more conducive to her success.
If he's bringing home the treats because HE enjoys them, that is another thing. The best solution to that would be to keep those foods in a separate container/space (maybe a certain kitchen cabinet) and agree that it'd be an off limits area for her. I don't think it would be unreasonable at all to ask that he doesn't offer her any of these foods. His choices are his choices, and that's fine, where it becomes unfair is when he offers her foods that trigger her addictions while she's trying to adapt to healthier habits.
So regardless, this is all about communication. That's all.0 -
The "truth" is that most of us are here because of addiction? Lol!
Well, you saw it on the boards so it must be true. Me, I'm here because I chose to eat too much. And I lost the weight because I chose to take responsibility over my life. Claiming addiction to food is another rung on the 'it's anyone's fault but mine' ladder0 -
Wow totally didn't think this would be this heated.
Ok so anywho.
Yes he brings home things for himself and I would never ask him to stop (unless medically necessary). On the other hand bringing me home coconut ice cream when he hates coconut is another story. Do I blame him for my weight, hell no! He is extremely supportive of me wanting to lose weight, it's just this little issue and yes I do mean little. He does not force feed me nor does he tell me I have to eat it. I can not bring myself to throw it away, though on occasion it has ended up at work for others to eat.
As far as staying in the parking lot while I work out. I work in a hotel and use the hotel's gym for free. If he wants to come with me it's $5 each time. He also works on a military base and can use the gym there (much nicer obviously) for free as well but they close at 11pm and that's the time I get off. SO he waits in the parking lot on the days I get off at 11pm so I can work out as we don't have the extra money to pay for him to come with me. On the days I get off by 9pm we go to the gym on base together.
For the person who stated that I have been on here for a year and only lost 5lbs. You *kitten*. That is all.
My husband and I will be having a talk about this tonight. I did like the ideas of getting different non-food related gifts. The flowers especially (I love fresh flowers). I'm sure we will work something out. Thank you for all your input.0 -
He sounds like a great guy, lindzann88, and I'm sure your talk tonight will help. Good luck and don't let the negativity on the forums get to you. :flowerforyou:0
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Wow totally didn't think this would be this heated.
Ok so anywho.
Yes he brings home things for himself and I would never ask him to stop (unless medically necessary). On the other hand bringing me home coconut ice cream when he hates coconut is another story. Do I blame him for my weight, hell no! He is extremely supportive of me wanting to lose weight, it's just this little issue and yes I do mean little. He does not force feed me nor does he tell me I have to eat it. I can not bring myself to throw it away, though on occasion it has ended up at work for others to eat.
As far as staying in the parking lot while I work out. I work in a hotel and use the hotel's gym for free. If he wants to come with me it's $5 each time. He also works on a military base and can use the gym there (much nicer obviously) for free as well but they close at 11pm and that's the time I get off. SO he waits in the parking lot on the days I get off at 11pm so I can work out as we don't have the extra money to pay for him to come with me. On the days I get off by 9pm we go to the gym on base together.
For the person who stated that I have been on here for a year and only lost 5lbs. You *kitten*. That is all.
My husband and I will be having a talk about this tonight. I did like the ideas of getting different non-food related gifts. The flowers especially (I love fresh flowers). I'm sure we will work something out. Thank you for all your input.
Sounds like you've got a plan!
The girl who posted that she puts her goal weight on a post it and puts that on the cabinet --> that's a really good idea too! I might actually steal that one 0 -
I'm surrounded by people who are supportive but offer food temptations; spouse, child, parents, siblings and friends. I'm learning I need to tune it all out and focus on me. Specifically, I need to focus on the process of logging my food eaten (calories consumed) and my exercise (calories expended) and keeping my calories under the 1820 threshold for me to lose 2 pounds a week. It all hinges on me making the correct decisions every day, every hour. One day, one meal, at a time.
Focus on what you can control.
This is the best advice. There will always be temptations and your husband is not to blame because he still brings home the treats you both enjoyed in the past. You have to do this, yourself, in a world full of temptations. You have a big support team here to help you learn how to live a healthier life. Good luck.0 -
Husband: Ah. I have a solution for both of us.
Me: Magically finds myself outside with a plane ticket back to North Carolina.
Husband: Inside, eating his wheat thins and wondering when I lost my damn mind.
Your husband would chose Wheat Thins over you? Ugh.
I wasn't aware being married gave you the ability to choose what your husband can or cannot eat.0 -
Sorry but I call it sabotage. He may be ok with somethings, but he is not ready to see you change for some reason. You just have to be strong, and tell him NO THANK YOU, If he gets mad, hurt or pouts then he is being very immature and unsupported and as you do with a child, ignore the behavior. He will either get on board or he won't, are you going to let that define what you have decided to do for yourself? Temptation is all around us, and if you make up your mind that you no longer wish to eat "junk" all the time them it doesn't matter if it is sitting right in front of you, you will not eat it. Mind over matter.
Unless he's jamming the snacks down her throat, it's not sabotage. You speak of immaturity yet you seem to have no problem shifting the responsibility of what food one puts in their own body. THAT is immature.0 -
Personally I would thank him for bringing home things I liked, then eat only a little bit as a treat. Maybe this is how you learn to control those urges to eat junk.
Alternatively, you could give him a list of things you'd like at the grocery store so there's something for him to follow.0
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