Absolutely Drowning- Have lost 100lbs and need motivation!

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zombiebarbie1989
zombiebarbie1989 Posts: 3
in Motivation and Support
First-- Pictures
April 2011- June 2013
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July 2011- May 2013
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To make a long story short I am going through a divorce from my husband whom I have been with for 7 years and ever since the cheating happened I have lost steam. We tried to salvage the relationship and every day that would go by I felt worse and worse about myself. The same questions, why did he do it? Did he ever love me? Why were the two girls he slept with really heavy? Is it because I lost my weight? DID I CAUSE THIS? ...

Needless to say I have spiraled out of control and I need help, motivation, and just someone to help me feel accountable I have kept my gym and lifting schedule- hell that is keeping me sane-- but the eating has gone downhill. Either I am not eating and exercising vigorously with nothing in my body or I am starving and eating everything like a monster.
Due to this I have gained 20 pounds and I am finally admitting to the world I need people, even if strangers in the beginning, to lean on.

Thanks for listening and for any of you who might recognize me, for a long time I was under username fat*****barbie27. Just fyi. :)

Edit-- I am also a user of the Bodymedia Fit, if that helps your friending decision :)

Replies

  • onwarddownward
    onwarddownward Posts: 1,683 Member
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    You can't cause anyone to cheat, just like you can't make anyone faithful.

    My husband cheated on me, too. We are still together, but it's hard and I initially blamed my looks for his cheating, because he said tat was his reason when we were thrashing it out. and i believed him -- After all, if I was thin, would he have done it?

    Yes. He would have.

    It's not a flaw in me -- it's a character flaw in HIM.
  • seliinac
    seliinac Posts: 336 Member
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    ^ This...

    And you can add me if you need friends/support on here. I'm on everyday.

    I lived for years with someone who was afraid I would get fat like my mother so I tried to lose weight when I wasn't overweight. Then when we broke up I said 'F**k you! I'll eat what I like" and gained a bunch of weight which I'm now trying to get off. Don't let this destroy all the hard work you've done!
  • sticklefritz66
    sticklefritz66 Posts: 1
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    Dear Zombiebarbie,

    I'm brand new here and just beginning a new weight loss journey so, I just wanted to say: keep up your hard work you have come so far in your weight loss journey. Don't let this bump in life set you back or bring you down. When my husband and I were dating and we were talking about his ex-wife and why things happened they way they had he made the comment " I couldn't live like that anymore... I couldn't do it for her and I couldn't do for my son... I was done" This comment may sound a little harsh but there were alcohol and drug problems with wife and she refused to seek help for those or for the marriage sooo... I want to say "you DON'T have to live a life with someone who makes you feel little or unsecure and you CAN DO this for you ... to get healthy, to feel better, and to live better". It doesn't hurt to put yourself first, at some point in our lives I feel we need to put our self first. Your weight was not the cause of any of his issues whether he wants to play that card or not. I'm also more than happy for you to add me as a friend if you need a sounding board. :smile: And there are plenty of good men out there who will see your worth and celebrate your accomplishments and help shoulder your failures with words of encouragement and strength.
  • sharonfoustmills
    sharonfoustmills Posts: 519 Member
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    Hang in there! Don't give up!! And the cheating is not your fault, it is purely a flaw in HIS character. It has nothing to do with you. And they were big girls because he has found those are easy targets for him- so just be thankful you are not one anymore. You look beautiful!
  • happieharpie
    happieharpie Posts: 229 Member
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    First, I am truly in sympathy with you in all of this. Second, it is time to go to being extra kind tou yourself, meaning eating kindly and exercising sympathetically.

    You looked great before WL, and you look great + in stage of your transit to glowing beautiful health.

    Your job now is to put yourself into positive. You wound up in reverse when you discovered the failure in trust, now you've been moving into the recovery of neutral.

    OK GIRL- Let's go FORWARD!!! Do all the good things you know- a walk, a trip to the outer rim of the grocery store, and ZERO visits to the past.

    I know you can do a loss this week, so DO IT !!!
  • inhermagicalwonderland
    inhermagicalwonderland Posts: 7 Member
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    Only the fact that you have lost those 100 pounds is AMAZING! But with or without the weight you still are the same person ... the girl who he married. So it is not your fault! It is his .. he decided to cheat .. you didn't make that decision for him! Show everyone that you are strong enough to do this!
  • NanaWubbie
    NanaWubbie Posts: 248 Member
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    You are beautiful! Take care of YOU! Your marriage will either work or it won't.....but it will all work out. Every morning make a committment to your own physical and mental health, and you have the power to decide to be happy. If you choose to continue in your marriage, take comfort that you are giving it your best shot!!! ...and if you decide to move on....that is perfectly ok and understandable, as you deserve to be treated with love and respect. I am 8+ years into my second marriage, and have never been happier! At least the 2nd time around you KNOW what you don't want! Never settle!

    I gained a ton of weight in marriage #1....I had no idea at the time, but it was a subconscious way to isolate myself....hiding the emotional abuse. I got out, and the weight rolled off.....I didn't back slip until my kids were teenagers, but I'm almost through that and life is good! Keep your chin up!
  • tlou5
    tlou5 Posts: 497 Member
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    You've come so far and look great- don't give up. What you are going through is incredibly painful, but honestly it sounds as though you are well rid of the a** hole and deserve someone who treats you better! Feel free to friend me if you need friends here.
  • mzfiyaa
    mzfiyaa Posts: 94 Member
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    nice job .....u did great...keep up the work
  • Nachise
    Nachise Posts: 395 Member
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    Don't hang your star on his moon. First and foremost, your weight loss is not to keep him from cheating; it is to keep a promise to yourself. That promise is to get your life and health under control, and so far, you've done one helluva job! You are not losing weight to save your marriage, you are doing it to save your life.

    I honestly don't know what to say about your marriage difficulties. There is a part of me that thinks that once a partner has cheated, an important line is crossed. Depending on the circumstances, bridges may have already been burned. Write a pros and cons list about what you want from the marriage, and especially, what you don't want from the marriage, and include anything that comes to mind. Your answers might start to develop from the list.
  • angelique_redhead
    angelique_redhead Posts: 782 Member
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    People can't force others to be faithful to them. It's a flaw in the other person if they can't stick to a commitment they made.YOU are looking great! Keep on with your life style changes and boost your self esteem. You rock! *HUGS*
  • WaterBunnie
    WaterBunnie Posts: 1,370 Member
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    Punishing yourself with food is not going to help you one bit. Pick yourself up, dust yourself down, value yourself as you should and show the world what you can achieve on your own and take pride in the fact you can be self-sufficient and happy. Might take you a while to reach that point but this is your time to fix yourself and be the person you want to be for your next relationship. Self destruction isn't the answer.
  • mkcmurphy
    mkcmurphy Posts: 437 Member
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    I am sorry to hear about your divorce. It is not your fault that he chose to cheat.

    Regarding eating, maybe getting back to basics would be a place to start. What worked before? Stock your pantry with that. Want to try something new that you wouldn't have before? Cook it. If, like me, simply being in the kitchen is an invitation to eating, get to a different place. You've done wonderfully - 100 pounds is amazing! Keep strong and keep going!
  • Junie2013
    Junie2013 Posts: 53
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    Totally not your fault. If he was unhappy in the marriage, he should have said so and been part of the solution to either fix it or move on. Cheating is HIS bad behavior.

    You're smart to come back to MFP and start taking care of yourself again! I am new... even though I joined in 2012, I did not start using the site seriously until about 6 weeks ago. MFP has been such a great tool and I've met awesome people. Welcome back! Please add me if you like. I have over 100 to lose.
  • Helen_Luvnlife
    Helen_Luvnlife Posts: 230 Member
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    Do not blame yourself. Men that cheat are selfish, self centered, and don't understand the meaning of commitment. He would of cheated no matter what your wheight was and chances are he will cheat on the next woman in his life no matter what her weight is. Find your inner strength and build a new wonderful life for yourself. You know you are strong. It takes strength to lose 100 lbs!
  • jetlag
    jetlag Posts: 800 Member
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    ZombieBarbie,

    If the man is so shallow that your looks is the reason he had an affair, then he is not husband material. Seriously, if your being big was the only reason he was with you then you are BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.

    Trust me when I say that throwing your hard work out the window is not a price worth paying. In the end, you're only punishing yourself for something that isn't your fault.

    Big hugs {{{}}}
  • ami_ami
    ami_ami Posts: 8
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    u did excellent.......and u look great....just carry on...don't look back....:smile: all the best to yr journey....
  • LisasLastTen
    LisasLastTen Posts: 25 Member
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    I have see some research suggesting that men sometimes encourage their wives to overeat and gain weight so they can control them and feel justified in cheating themselves.

    I don't know your spouse, but I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust and who wasn't interested in my health and happiness. I am CERTAIN you feel better and are healthier at your new weight. Love yourself, take care of yourself, and don't blame yourself for the actions of another.
  • cid4houses
    cid4houses Posts: 9 Member
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    Only YOU are responsible for you. I am also going through a divorce, my husband left me after 37 years. No fight. No discussion. All he did was leave a note. In a relationship, no one is blameless. I guess he just got tired of me, and fell out of love.

    Anyway, about losing weight. He left with his paycheck. I immediately stopped buying meat, and switched to fruits and vegetables, primarily, for nutrition. Exercise is important, but getting proper nutrients is far more important. Eating healthy food is far more uplifting to your spirit. http://www.bettereatingcoach.com/42413-exercise-nutrition.html

    I am recommending a website and some books: https://www.drfuhrman.com/weightloss/why.aspx
    A friend had an extra ticket to see his live presentation a year ago, and it "sounded" reasonable, but the motivation did not kick in, until my husband left me, right after Thanksgiving. I very quickly came to the realization, I was responsible for what choices of food I put in my own mouth. While together, we ate what he liked. Lots of pasta, red meat, processed (high calorie low nutrition) foods like chips, or fast food, etc. My friend and I watched Joe Cross's movie "Fat, sick & nearly dead" on the internet. We both got Breville Juicers for Christmas. Not only did I begin juicing, and feeling better, I also bought healthier foods. And, I read some of Dr. Furhman's books. I tried his recipe book too, and have really tried to follow his guidelines. Another friend saw I was losing weight, and got me to sign up for myfitnespal.com, and then it was easy to see, as I input every meal, what healthy eating choices were all about. One dish of ice cream was so many more calories and fat than a nutritious salad. When friends started remarking on the weight I lost , it motivated me even more.
    Actually, seeing your before and after photos are quite a motivation as well!

    My advice in a nutshell:
    1.) You've had your "Vacation", now you need to "get back up on that horse" and lose the 20 lbs you gained back, before you gain another 20!!!
    2.) Stop eating crap and buy only nutritious foods to put in your body.
    3.) Re-commit to helping YOURSELF because no one else will!
    4.) Stop having your own "Pity Party" because that only contributes to that "drowning feeling". (Don't get swept up in a shame spiral because it won't help. & you'll be sucked under.)
    5.) Read Dr. Furhman's website, for motivation....(and consider becoming a member.)
    6.) Find a walking buddy. Weights are good, but just getting out into fresh air for 30-60 minutes and doing some aerobic exercise will lift your spirits!
    7.) Go on the internet and Google "healthy recipes" and make a shopping list, then make a few, so you can change up your eating plan. http://blog.fatfreevegan.com/recipe-box
    8.) Stick with it, and if you back-slide, remember everyone needs a holiday, but when you're back from vacation, we all get back to work!
    9.) Make a long list of all the reasons you want / need to lose weight and stick it on the bathroom mirror for reinforcement.
    10.) Before you fall asleep say some positive affirmations such as "I believe in ME!" & " I make positive eating choices", then as you are sleeping, those words will be subliminally embedded into your subconscious mind.. Repeat when you wake up. As you peer into the fridge, you'll find you automatically reach for fresh fruit instead of ice cream! You'll want to eat healthy FOR YOU!

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