Frustrations

First and foremost, I've been dealing with weight issues since I was a kid. I was about 200 pounds at the end of high school and I worked hard to get it all off the next couple of years. By my junior year in college I had lost about 80 pounds and managed to keep it off for years. I exercized the first half off and then the rest was changing my eating habits. For me, it was mind over matter and a complete change of thinking - not just lifestyle. As long as I thought of it as a punishment I treated it as such.

I gained about 45 pounds with my son in 2004 and did get about 25 pounds of that off. I have in the last couple of years ranged between 140-150, which is still too much. That makes me unhappy. Until the last 6 months or so I managed to still stay comfortable in my size 8 and M size clothes. I have been more comfortable at present in size 10, some L, and lots of cotton stretch.

I have worked to get my mindset right and being in school fulltime (graduate level so about 4-5 research papers a week) on top of a fulltime job and fulltime parent makes things very difficult. I am not as active because I can't read research articles and type papers while staying in constant motion. So, I got an elliptical machine at home and have committed myself to getting up entirely too early so I can use it before my household is awake. Many times my eyes are closed and I am yawning, but damnit I'm getting the 2.5 miles done. My calories don't get very high it seems, but I plug away anyway. I have used it 5 out of 7 days the last month and a half. Yesterday I managed to get 45 minutes into it and got a whopping 288 calories. And my weight you ask? Up to 150.4 from the 149 the other day. Nice. Today - 40 minutes and 236.

I know my eating habits remain part of the problem and that is frustrating to me, but I do not eat as much, snack on garbage as much, and I am watching calories consistently. The pounds are not going down. Actually, they've gone up about 3 pounds and it makes me angry and stressed. When I lost all the weight before I didn't count calories. As a matter of fact, I didn't pay any attention at all to calories. Instead, I watched the fat content only. If it was fat free or even low in fat, but full of sugar and high in calories - I ate it. If it had few calories but little fat - I didn't eat it at all. That worked and it worked well. I got down 80 pounds. I bought a box of low call, full of good stuff Atkins snack bars Saturday and got them home to see that for the 170 calorie bars - they had 12 grams of fat! I'm beside myself wishing I'd bought $6 worth of fat free little Debbies.

I'm going to keep at it. All of you are having successes and the count calorie thing has worked a long time obviously, but I'm getting frustrated. I know I am partly to blame, but to be under calorie count most days and exercising on top I would feel I should see different results instead of gaining. I'll trudge through it, but I needed to get this out of my system because I'm tired of thinking about it. Any words that might help will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.