I don't want to do it for me....Why????
farmers_daughter
Posts: 1,632 Member
Ok so I have to admit I just browsed through the success stories like I do alot, like alot of people do...except it gets me all flustered.
Many people say you have to do this for yourself... that's how you motivate yourself, if you don't you won't succeed.
Truthfully, the only reason I dream of weightloss is because I want to do it for someone else, to show him that:
1. I can do it
2. He thinks that it's so easy - all he sees are what ppl on here call "skinny fat" chicks, the lucky ones. In real life, it's hard.
3. I want to rub it in his face and tell him I deserve more now that I'm skinny.
Oy - at the expense of not sounding like I'm a love rampid highschool love bird..... I'm going bring this rant to an end.
I've lived my life to please other people, I'm slowly learning to not do that. It's difficult but I'm getting there
I unfortunately give men too much validation over my self worth - hey I'm aware of it....rome wasn't built in a day.
So I guess I'm asking for suggestions, no, I'm not asking for relationship advice, becuase this is completely about me, and how I'm twisting and self sabotaging myself.
Has anyone struggled and succeeded over emotions like this?
Thank you!
Many people say you have to do this for yourself... that's how you motivate yourself, if you don't you won't succeed.
Truthfully, the only reason I dream of weightloss is because I want to do it for someone else, to show him that:
1. I can do it
2. He thinks that it's so easy - all he sees are what ppl on here call "skinny fat" chicks, the lucky ones. In real life, it's hard.
3. I want to rub it in his face and tell him I deserve more now that I'm skinny.
Oy - at the expense of not sounding like I'm a love rampid highschool love bird..... I'm going bring this rant to an end.
I've lived my life to please other people, I'm slowly learning to not do that. It's difficult but I'm getting there
I unfortunately give men too much validation over my self worth - hey I'm aware of it....rome wasn't built in a day.
So I guess I'm asking for suggestions, no, I'm not asking for relationship advice, becuase this is completely about me, and how I'm twisting and self sabotaging myself.
Has anyone struggled and succeeded over emotions like this?
Thank you!
0
Replies
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Your reasons for wanting to lose weight sound ok to me but then I don't subscribe to the "do it for yourself" motivation but the "do it for the reason that works for you" motivation.
Ok my attempt at losing weight is because I want to for me as well as a few other reasons, but I did give up smoking for someone else
Despite the fact that smoking was killing me I could never get the motivation to do it for myself but when I caught my daughter smoking, albeit she was legally old enough to smoke, we agreed that if I gave up then she would stop too
All the motivation I needed.
So what it really boils down to is that, in my opinion, if its a motivation that works for you then use it0 -
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I started my weight loss journey because I got told by my father that I'd never be thin and healthy, and I wanted to prove him wrong.
Whatever motivation works, as long as you get to your goal.0 -
I wouldn't say your way of thinking is wrong, but keep this in mind - if he's still not impressed when you lose the weight, are you going to think this was for nothing? Or, are you going to flip him off and realize that your well-being is more important than his opinion? I'm just saying that people don't want to be wrong, and you don't want to base this effort on something that may never happen (i.e. him being impressed).0
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I started mine to prove a point to a few people that it could be done. Now I love the feeling of energy, and fitness! So start the journey for what ever reason you will soon learn to love the results0
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I lose weight for myself because I'm vain. I mean, there's a little part of me that knows I need to exercise to be healthy and live a long and active life. But for the most part, I'm totally in it for the vanity. And I'm okay with that.
So do it for someone else, but don't let them have too much power over you (like, say you do lose weight and they don't notice as much as you think they should). After all, there are lots of other people in the world to impress, including yourself.
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I agree, I guess it's always slightly about yourself no matter what you're initial motivations are. Meeting your goals for your listed motivations will undoubtedly will make you feel good.
My motivations are half and half. One half to fitter than my boyfriend so I can go running with him, but also for myself, I am obsessed with getting rid of my cellulite!!
No matter your motivations to lose weight, it will beneficial for you health, as long as you're doing it sensibly.0 -
I am with the other replies- Whatever works!! If trying to prove to someone else that you can is what you need to get you started towards your goals, then use it!
Along the way, you'll start to notice that you stop thinking so much about what they'll think and more about how great you feel.
Best of luck to you
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Your reasons for wanting to lose weight sound ok to me but then I don't subscribe to the "do it for yourself" motivation but the "do it for the reason that works for you" motivation.
Ok my attempt at losing weight is because I want to for me as well as a few other reasons, but I did give up smoking for someone else
Despite the fact that smoking was killing me I could never get the motivation to do it for myself but when I caught my daughter smoking, albeit she was legally old enough to smoke, we agreed that if I gave up then she would stop too
All the motivation I needed.
So what it really boils down to is that, in my opinion, if its a motivation that works for you then use it
That's the good stuff right there...good ****!0 -
I've used outside motivation before with success yes.
Someone making a remark or telling me I can't do it, has always been much more motivating to me than just getting up and "deciding to do it for myself".0 -
Your goals and motivations can and do change. If this is the reason that is working for you now, great! But don't be surprised if somewhere down the road you realize you are doing it for you. And at that point, there won't be any stopping you.0
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I wouldn't say your way of thinking is wrong, but keep this in mind - if he's still not impressed when you lose the weight, are you going to think this was for nothing? Or, are you going to flip him off and realize that your well-being is more important than his opinion? I'm just saying that people don't want to be wrong, and you don't want to base this effort on something that may never happen (i.e. him being impressed).
This. I've seen people just quit because they lost a lot of weight and people around them refused to notice or compliment them. If you do it because you're expecting someone to react favorably, you might want to look for other reasons.0 -
You will be able to lose the weight with that mindset...but keeping it off will be a lifelong struggle.
"The circumstances of our lives are constantly changing, and if we depend on our external circumstances to give us inner peace, joy and love, we will be prisoners to the situations, people and things that come in and out of our lives. Trying to control our external world is both, exhausting and futile. ~Eckhart Tolle"0 -
I wouldn't say your way of thinking is wrong, but keep this in mind - if he's still not impressed when you lose the weight, are you going to think this was for nothing? Or, are you going to flip him off and realize that your well-being is more important than his opinion? I'm just saying that people don't want to be wrong, and you don't want to base this effort on something that may never happen (i.e. him being impressed).
Yup! What she said 0 -
That sounds like a good enough reason to start to me! Start with small, manageable goals and see what happens.
At some point in time, you may wish to take a closer look at your relationship dynamic, and see if he is really who will make you a solid, loving partner in the long haul. But that does not have to be related to making healthier choices now. You may also want to look at your self-esteem at some point, too - people deserve to feel intrinsically good about themselves, regardless of what others may think. But again, that doesn't have to be related to trying to eat a little less, move a little more, drink a little more water, and eat a few more veggies today.0 -
I just have to figure out what "works" what actually works.
That's a good start anyways I think. lol
I do believe that once I start seeing success, albeit a fairly good success, I'll be more motivated to do it for myself.
And I do know, becuase I just know me. That if I get to that point, and I don't get the attention/reaction (all of the other things said here) There's no bumming me out, because I'll be at my goal, I mean OMG, I'll look good, I'll feel more confident because I'll know that I look good, whether he's just jealous or doesn't want to admit it.0 -
Ok so I have to admit I just browsed through the success stories like I do alot, like alot of people do...except it gets me all flustered.
Many people say you have to do this for yourself... that's how you motivate yourself, if you don't you won't succeed.
Truthfully, the only reason I dream of weightloss is because I want to do it for someone else, to show him that:
1. I can do it
2. He thinks that it's so easy - all he sees are what ppl on here call "skinny fat" chicks, the lucky ones. In real life, it's hard.
3. I want to rub it in his face and tell him I deserve more now that I'm skinny.
Oy - at the expense of not sounding like I'm a love rampid highschool love bird..... I'm going bring this rant to an end.
I've lived my life to please other people, I'm slowly learning to not do that. It's difficult but I'm getting there
I unfortunately give men too much validation over my self worth - hey I'm aware of it....rome wasn't built in a day.
So I guess I'm asking for suggestions, no, I'm not asking for relationship advice, becuase this is completely about me, and how I'm twisting and self sabotaging myself.
Has anyone struggled and succeeded over emotions like this?
Thank you!
#1 I get and I think wanting to show others you can do it can go hand in hand with showing yourself that you can do it, boosting your own self esteem.
But #2 and #3 I don't really understand what you mean. You want to prove that it's hard? But once you succeed, won't whoever the "he" is still think it was easy? I definitely don't get what you mean by the skinny fat lol.
#3...YOU think that when you're skinny, you'll deserve more, or you think that when you're skinny, HE'll think you deserve more?0 -
#3...YOU think that when you're skinny, you'll deserve more, or you think that when you're skinny, HE'll think you deserve more?
Touche' - I would hope he'll think I do :bigsmile:0 -
It did take me twenty pounds before I stopped fantasizing about having a boyfriend, and instead started fantasizing about how awesome I'll look and feel. Losing weight in a healthy way can make people feel really good, and it's that good feeling that can flip the coin.I just have to figure out what "works" what actually works.
That's a good start anyways I think. lol
I do believe that once I start seeing success, albeit a fairly good success, I'll be more motivated to do it for myself.
And I do know, becuase I just know me. That if I get to that point, and I don't get the attention/reaction (all of the other things said here) There's no bumming me out, because I'll be at my goal, I mean OMG, I'll look good, I'll feel more confident because I'll know that I look good, whether he's just jealous or doesn't want to admit it.0 -
Ok so I have to admit I just browsed through the success stories like I do alot, like alot of people do...except it gets me all flustered.
Many people say you have to do this for yourself... that's how you motivate yourself, if you don't you won't succeed.
Truthfully, the only reason I dream of weightloss is because I want to do it for someone else, to show him that:
1. I can do it
2. He thinks that it's so easy - all he sees are what ppl on here call "skinny fat" chicks, the lucky ones. In real life, it's hard.
3. I want to rub it in his face and tell him I deserve more now that I'm skinny.
Oy - at the expense of not sounding like I'm a love rampid highschool love bird..... I'm going bring this rant to an end.
I've lived my life to please other people, I'm slowly learning to not do that. It's difficult but I'm getting there
I unfortunately give men too much validation over my self worth - hey I'm aware of it....rome wasn't built in a day.
So I guess I'm asking for suggestions, no, I'm not asking for relationship advice, becuase this is completely about me, and how I'm twisting and self sabotaging myself.
Has anyone struggled and succeeded over emotions like this?
Thank you!
I have struggled and succeeded over exactly what you've described. I have overcome the 'people pleaser' side of me. The problem with people pleasing is that no two people are alike so you are constantly changing and adapting to please whomever you are with at the moment.
I learned to love myself enough that I could establish my own standards and value system instead of always trying to conform to everyone else's. That opened the door for me to do this for myself and no one else. I love that my friends are inspired by me. I love that my husband can't keep his hands off of me. But most of all I love who I have become through this transformation!!
My encouragement to you is to understand that you have value of your own accord, not because someone else says you do. You have value whether rich or poor, employed or unemployed, fat or skinny. Once you realize that it's much easier to love yourself and take those next steps.0 -
I agree that whatever motivates you to get your butt off the couch or your head out the fridge is a good thing.
Regarding placing too much of your self worth in the hands of men, at least you recognize it and that's the first step to finding a more solid place to anchor your precious self esteem than on the whims of a fickle and shallow gender. I suggest helping others, developing an undernourished talent, furthering your education, or whatever it is that makes you feel strong and worthwhile so that your self worth comes from within.0 -
Truthfully, the only reason I dream of weightloss is because I want to do it for someone else, to show him that:
1. I can do it
2. He thinks that it's so easy - all he sees are what ppl on here call "skinny fat" chicks, the lucky ones. In real life, it's hard.
3. I want to rub it in his face and tell him I deserve more now that I'm skinny.
Stop dreaming and start doing, it will happen!
1. Yes, you CAN do it.
2. Easy is a relative term. Regardless, it does take work.
3. Just because you're skinny wouldn't mean you deserve "more". Not to sound cliché, but if you're referring to a significant other, your "worth" shouldn't improve because you lose weight, but I digress.
Honestly while you say that they aren't reasons for you, they are. YOU want to prove to him that YOU can do it. I'd call that a self motivating reason.0 -
I wish I had the answer because I think I know where you're coming from. However since it's not my frame of reference and I could never fix/help the person I knew who had that kind of thinking (my mother), I don't know?
To this day she doesn't know what she likes. Only she's transferred the onus of "do I like this or not?" from my father to my sister and if she's not available to me. When she does this she remembers all the times I reminded her mom, you are doing what you think you have to for my dad and making an imaginary "to do " list and saying "i have to" when he hasnt' even said anything and you just imagined you do because you are trying to read his mind to please him before he is displeased. It used to anger me but now I just don't participate but also don't comment. If we go to a furniture store for instance to buy something for my son, I wait and wait and hold back my opinions to let her have one first otherwise she will just glom onto mine. Then when she has her idea of oh maybe this bed what do you think, I don't. I pretend not to know thing one about beds and let her flesh it out in her own mind then finally at the end agree with the strongest points.
It's the only thing I can think of to help her develop her own wants and desires. I love my mother dearly and it saddens me that I have never seen her have anything she ever truly wanted because she has never known what she wanted. She has only guessed at it and then waited for others to approve or deny it as valid.
I hope you figure this out because I think it's important even though I may not have the right words to say how?
ETA: I took the time to write this even though I've never been in your precise shoes because as an observer of it, I am noticing a lot of the replies you are getting dont' seem to really "get it" and are kind of like all nike "just do it" but i'm sure it's more complicated than that because it's been really challenging to figure out why my mom did it all those years and still does it. It's like really really weird not to know what you like or want or how to just stand still and be like "this is what i want".0 -
I have struggled and succeeded over exactly what you've described. I have overcome the 'people pleaser' side of me. The problem with people pleasing is that no two people are alike so you are constantly changing and adapting to please whomever you are with at the moment.
I learned to love myself enough that I could establish my own standards and value system instead of always trying to conform to everyone else's. That opened the door for me to do this for myself and no one else. I love that my friends are inspired by me. I love that my husband can't keep his hands off of me. But most of all I love who I have become through this transformation!!
My encouragement to you is to understand that you have value of your own accord, not because someone else says you do. You have value whether rich or poor, employed or unemployed, fat or skinny. Once you realize that it's much easier to love yourself and take those next steps.
Oh my I love you :flowerforyou: this is so true.0 -
I do believe that once I start seeing success, albeit a fairly good success, I'll be more motivated to do it for myself.
Yes. I agree with this. You will have more self confidence, not just in "looking" better but because of a sense of accomplishment, and this should drive your motivations more than external ones will. I would encourage you to set goals other than just the scale, fitness goals. There may be times where the weight loss isn't going as fast as you'd like (well, actually it never goes as fast as I'd like, but I digress) so it is important to have other benchmarks, like running a 5k, or being able to do pushups, or -fill in the blank-.0 -
This is a great topic and one that inspires me to share a bit of my story, if I may so indulge. I decided at age 13 that I would fight the battle with the bulge and went on my first diet after a family member said to me, "You're getting fat like the rest of us". I counted calories and lost over 15# while my dad complained and fretted over me getting malnutrition.
I maintained my ideal weight through high school and into college and then slowly started putting on a few extra pounds. I had to get a physical for a job I was starting and saw some random doctor (I didn't get sick so didn't have a regular doctor) who said on my form that I was "obese". He went by my weight which has always been on the high end of the charts, even though I don't look it. Still, I weighed more than I wanted.
I got married and my husband was all about supporting me/wanting me to loose weight. It went well and I lost weight. He inspired me. I lost weight and was the thinnest I had ever been.. but it wasn't good enough for him... and he constantly complained and fretted over my weight. It had gotten so I was so thin that I wasn't eating right and my blood tests were showing malnutrition. At that point I told him I was not going to do it for him anymore and I would do what I thought was best for me as a whole.
Turns out he was sick, sicker than I could have imagined and he died. After that I stopped caring and gained like never before. Totally lost control.. until I began to have a few health problems. At the same time, I noticed my mother also having increasingly more serious problems... all of which were brought on by her diet/lifestyle. It was then that I decided to 'do it for myself'. I did it because I love being able to walk around, take no medicine, have stamina and only need to see my doctor once a year for wellness checks. I saw my mother's great suffering with her illnesses and deterioration and I vowed to myself I would do all within my power to promote my own good health. So, "do it for yourself" does have meaning to me know, but it took time to get there.
All the best and hang in there!0 -
What's difficult? You eat less than you burn and be totally honest with yourself. The weight comes off. That motivates you to carry on. Eventually people notice. That motivates you to carry on. And on. And on. You don't even have to exercise, the calories in versus calories out equation still works. Exercise just means you can eat more and you're making yourself more healthy into the bargain.
It really is that easy. Instead of thinking how hard it is, start getting involved in the mechanics of it and see, actually, how easy it is. Let your calorie allowance drive what you eat, for example, feel like a donut? 450 calories, are you joking? Have a banana instead, only 90 or so calories. Walk up a flight of stairs instead of using the lift or escalator.
This should not be about showing anyone how clever you are, this should be about being fed up of being fat and unhealthy.0 -
I have struggled and succeeded over exactly what you've described. I have overcome the 'people pleaser' side of me. The problem with people pleasing is that no two people are alike so you are constantly changing and adapting to please whomever you are with at the moment.
I learned to love myself enough that I could establish my own standards and value system instead of always trying to conform to everyone else's. That opened the door for me to do this for myself and no one else. I love that my friends are inspired by me. I love that my husband can't keep his hands off of me. But most of all I love who I have become through this transformation!!
My encouragement to you is to understand that you have value of your own accord, not because someone else says you do. You have value whether rich or poor, employed or unemployed, fat or skinny. Once you realize that it's much easier to love yourself and take those next steps.
Oh my I love you :flowerforyou: this is so true.
Yeah I really liked this one too. :flowerformymomherfavoritenotmine:0 -
Maybe it's just me, but it sounds like you *are* doing this for yourself. If I rephrase your stated objectives, you're doing this to prove:
1) you're capable
2) you're capable, even if it's hard
3) you're worthy of respect and deserve to feel good about yourself.
Doesn't seem like those are about him at all, as near as I can tell... and they're all true. And, even if you still think these are about him, they won't be once you've lost the weight.
Best of luck to you!0 -
I still to this very day am still trying to figure out this question. Here is why: sometimes I feel like I deserve to be happy and fit and healthy etc but then there are other days where I feel that I don't deserve it.
At the end of the day, i reflect and decide. At first when i started this I wanted it for me, now I am not so sure if I want it for me anymore but rather do it for my kiddo so that he doesn't end up motherless when he is 20 like i did. Granted he is only 18 months but before I had him I knew of nothing more then depression and eating.
Now he is the main reason for a lot of things that I am doing including going back to college because I don't want for him to say "Mommy daddy has his degrees, why don't you? Are you not smart enough?"
Do what works for you. If outside motivation is what helps, go for it. If not, don't get discouraged, just reflect and adjust where the motivation is coming from.0
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