How do I get my husband to join me in a healthy lifestyle?

slywon
slywon Posts: 85 Member
in Health and Weight Loss
I have wanted to better myself physically for many years but two years ago was a turning point. My 54 year old mother had a major stroke. I threw away my cigarettes that day and have not looked back. Then last October I started to make small changes in my diet and I started exercising. I joined MFP and have lost 14 pounds and would like to continue my journey and lose another 15 pounds approximately (the number is just a guideline). I bought a bike last week and did 20 miles in four days with my children. This is where in lies my question/issue.......My husband smokes close to a pack a day of cigarettes, drinks on a regular weekend and social basis (no problem to take in close to a 26 of rye hanging out with the boys in an evening). He refuses to walk, run, bike or do any kind of exercise. He is around 60 pounds over weight with high blood pressure at 39 years old. He eats whatever he wants with no regard for poor choices all the time. I am sure I am rambling here but I am just not sure what to do. I want him to be healthy and here for me and the children. I realize that everyone needs to make lifestyle changes in their own time. I am wondering if it is wrong of me to want him to make some small effort to change? I would be thrilled with any small step. Should I just continue on my journey and let him choose his path? How do I keep myself feeling like we are a team/partners if we just take two different paths with our health and I have a hard time watching his lifestyle? Ok I think I have done enough rambling for one day.

Replies

  • boatsie77
    boatsie77 Posts: 480 Member
    Accept the fact that you can't 'make' him do anything. You just keep doing what you're doing and if and when the time is right, he'll join you.

    "You can't teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig."
  • jessicapk
    jessicapk Posts: 574 Member
    The best thing you can do is not bother him about it. In my own experience and in what I've seen with others (including drinking, smoking, etc.), people will change when they're ready to. Any amount of bothering him about it will cause problems. After I lost about 20 lbs, my boyfriend stopped drinking Coke constantly, drank more water instead, ate less, and went out for walks or bike rides with me. I saw it happen with my parents with drinking. When my mother quit, she didn't hassle my dad about it at all. He up and quit without saying a word the same day she did. Respect his decisions and share your successes with him while not pressuring him. You'd be amazed what he might do.
    Either that or sew his mouth shut and install a feeding tube with a key only you have access to! ;)
  • CyberEd312
    CyberEd312 Posts: 3,536 Member
    Lead By Example......... :drinker:
  • jessicapk
    jessicapk Posts: 574 Member
    Accept the fact that you can't 'make' him do anything. You just keep doing what you're doing and if and when the time is right, he'll join you.

    "You can't teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig."

    That quote is utterly priceless...
  • tanashai
    tanashai Posts: 207 Member
    Don't DO anything; just keep doing what you want to do. I was on MFP for months before my husband joined-I didn't nag, didn't fuss, didn't bother-he did it on his own. Now he's dropped around 20lbs and is committed to eating better and exercising more. Just lead by example :)
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    Change YOU.
    LOVE him.
  • JenniBaby85
    JenniBaby85 Posts: 855 Member
    You can't make him do something. You can encourage him gently, cook some healthy meals, say things like "Hey, how about we got for a nice walk" and things like that, But if he's going to change his lifestyle, it's up to him.
  • healthygreek
    healthygreek Posts: 2,137 Member
    Outside of not allowing him to smoke in the house or car (because 2nd hand smoke is also a killer), there is not much you can do except cook healthy meals and don't buy crap for the house if you are the one responsible for shopping and cooking. If he wants real crap-let him buy and prep it himself.
    Unfortunately my husband had a major health scare and then he got control of himself by losing 40 lbs and eating so much better and letting me help him learn about health and nutrition.
    I hope your husband doesn't wait till something like that occurs, but sometimes that's what it takes.
  • slywon
    slywon Posts: 85 Member
    There is already no smoking in our home or our family vehicles because of our children, it had always been that way. I hear what everyone is saying and I appreciate the responses. I will just worry about myself. Just as a side note though I have been at this for many months and he has never once "joined in" on his own so that probably won't happen (lead by example). I guess I will just have to make peace with the differences. I just feel that as much as I would love for him to join me he would love for me to rejoin him. Oh wells.
  • BrendaLee
    BrendaLee Posts: 4,463 Member
    Saying nothing may be the popular way to go, but I couldn't sit quietly and watch the one I love send himself to an early grave. There's only so much you can do, though. I would gently encourage him to quit smoking and support him in that, since that's going to be the most important step he can take towards a better/longer/healthier life, especially with the high blood pressure and obesity. That's a heart attack or stroke waiting to happen. If he can overcome the smoking, he may be more motivated to address the other issues.
  • HappyStack
    HappyStack Posts: 802 Member
    You could try telling him why it's important to you for you to change your lifestyles together. Maybe he hasn't noticed how much someone else's health problem incited change in you, maybe he hasn't had the same realisation of mortality. If, perhaps, you have these fears that your husband will end up the same way, perhaps an emotional heart-to-heart would help.

    On the other hand some people are just ignorant (for want of a less abrasive term) to how difficult it is to maintain your new habits when they continue to consume a source (or sources) of temptation, or how difficult it is when you begin to do things they have no interest in and you feel like you're drifting apart.

    If that's not a problem for you, let him be. Either he'll come around or he won't, his health is in his hands, not yours.
  • quiltlovinlisa
    quiltlovinlisa Posts: 1,710 Member
    Everyone is right, it has to be his choice BUT, if you can find something active you enjoy together, that's a huge help. Like we bike together. My husband hates walking, so biking is our go to family activity.

    Also you can cook healthier family meals, but once again, there's only so much you can do. I've made perfectly healthy meals and watched my husband drown them in condiments and sour cream. Just do your best, take care of you and hopefully he decides on his own to be healthier.
  • LisaWebsterJones
    LisaWebsterJones Posts: 3
    I have been on a healthy eating kick for almost 9 months now, my husband wasn't with me for it until the last month. I asked him if he would make my life easier by eating in a similar way to me and give me support in doing that as well as make it so I only cook one meal instead of two meals. He doesn't need to lose weight so I make sure he has a few more calories than I do but overall the ease of less waste and it works out cheaper to cook one dish at a time brought him round to eating with me.
    It might be a way to get your husband on board by gently asking for support rather than pushing things, men seem to like the slight "damsel in distress" attitude.
    Whatever you do don't push or force him into it at all or he will rebel against it and that does no one any good at all.

    Good luck in whatever you decide to do and well done on your loss to date.
  • prdavies1949
    prdavies1949 Posts: 326 Member
    He has to make the decision himself. I suspect he is well aware of your concerns but until he gets his head around a new lifestyle he will not be able to join you. Be patient, my wife was trying to get into a better eating (and drinking) way of life for 6 months before I was ready, but I got there in the end. I am now fitter and lighter than I have been for decades. Good luck.
  • ChrisMundie
    ChrisMundie Posts: 18 Member
    Just tell him that you have made a decision to be healthy and as time has gone on you are realizing that you find overweight smokers less and less attractive. That will get his attention.
  • MinMin97
    MinMin97 Posts: 2,674 Member
    Just tell him that you have made a decision to be healthy and as time has gone on you are realizing that you find overweight smokers less and less attractive. That will get his attention.
    Yikes!
  • LoraF83
    LoraF83 Posts: 15,694 Member
    Accept the fact that you can't 'make' him do anything. You just keep doing what you're doing and if and when the time is right, he'll join you.

    "You can't teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig."

    That quote is utterly priceless...

    Love that quote!

    And the advice is right. He's an adult. You can't make him do anything. You keep on being healthy, offering healthy food for meals, exercising with your kids. He'll either jump in and join you or he won't.

    I didn't say a word to my husband about his weight, but he's down 2 pants sizes and a shirt size and exercises regularly now. He eats better by his own choice. And he told me that it's all because he saw me do it first.

    Don't nag, don't preach. Just be healthy and he may chose to follow you.
  • Railr0aderTony
    Railr0aderTony Posts: 6,803 Member
    Change YOU.
    LOVE him.

    Exactly
  • Railr0aderTony
    Railr0aderTony Posts: 6,803 Member
    Accept the fact that you can't 'make' him do anything. You just keep doing what you're doing and if and when the time is right, he'll join you.

    "You can't teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig."

    Never-try-to-teach-a-pig-to-sing.jpg

    One of my all time favorite quotes.
  • AJinBirmingham
    AJinBirmingham Posts: 497
    Accept the fact that you can't 'make' him do anything. You just keep doing what you're doing and if and when the time is right, he'll join you.

    "You can't teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig."

    Right.
  • ladymiseryali
    ladymiseryali Posts: 2,555 Member
    Just tell him that you have made a decision to be healthy and as time has gone on you are realizing that you find overweight smokers less and less attractive. That will get his attention.

    It's been proven that insulting fat people doesn't make them want to lose weight. It's counter-productive and cruel. So you want her to be counter-productive and cruel to her husband? :huh:
  • csi4us
    csi4us Posts: 74
    Accept the fact that you can't 'make' him do anything. You just keep doing what you're doing and if and when the time is right, he'll join you.

    "You can't teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig."

    That quote is utterly priceless...

    I love this quote!
  • HeidiCooksSupper
    HeidiCooksSupper Posts: 3,839 Member
    Tell him you love him and wish he would choose to be healthy but you know you could only do it when the time was right for you and that he will do it when the time is right for him. And then just cook healthy suppers without making a big deal about it. He has to make his own choices.
  • SlimSumday
    SlimSumday Posts: 379 Member
    "You can't teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig."
    Well said. :laugh:
  • ahavoc
    ahavoc Posts: 464 Member
    You don't. He's got to make the decision himself. You can be an example for him, I know it isn't easy. And he may get testy with you, because while you're doing it, your destroying all his excuses. But don't let him stop you. Keep a goin'.
  • SlimSumday
    SlimSumday Posts: 379 Member
    Change YOU.
    LOVE him.
    ^^^ This.
  • glin23
    glin23 Posts: 460 Member
    Accept the fact that you can't 'make' him do anything. You just keep doing what you're doing and if and when the time is right, he'll join you.

    "You can't teach a pig to sing...it's a waste of your time and it annoys the pig."

    This. It took me nearly a decade (or so it seems), to realize I needed to lead a healthier lifestyle. In that time I had people constantly harping at me and making fun of me. But until it became real to me, those external forces did nothing.
  • bgtoepfer
    bgtoepfer Posts: 23
    I understand your plight. My gal wouldn't quit smoking, eat better or exercise (except for the occasional 20 mile bike ride then she would be exhausted and sore and never exercise again because it hurts her). I used to nag her and all that did was start an argument. I tried the "but don't you want to live longer? Didn't work. So I kept doing my thing; exercising regular, cooking better foods and making better snacks.
    I'm the food shopper and cook, so she eats what I make. I've slowly incorporated healthier ingredients without her knowing about it. She still buys her lunch out and eats fast food slop, but she feels it and complains about it. She's learning how different foods make her feel. She quit smoking about 4 months ago, she exercises slightly more regular now. It all happens on her time schedule, not mine.
  • vicelike
    vicelike Posts: 22
    Your husband may be depressed. Encourage him to speak with a physician to rule this out.
  • Losingthedamnweight
    Losingthedamnweight Posts: 535 Member
    I would mostly repeat what everyone else is saying but put it like this:

    Have a conversation with him once. ONCE! About how you feel about wanting to focus on your health and the positive impact it can make on your lives and so on and so forth. Then... Leave it to him. The ball's in his court. Now that you've had the conversation with him, he can either take it to heart and make some life changes or brush it off and do what he wants to do anyway. Take it from me. Nagging or shaming people doesn't work because if you had to put in all that work for them to do something, they're doing it for you and not them. And they need to do it for themselves!

    If he doesn't care now, then he just doesn't care. It's not the end of the world and it doesn't mean he won't ever care. It just means he's not ready yet. A year from now he could have one of those "I hate being fat. Time to do something about it!" Moments and the process for him starts. But let it be up to him. Because really. When in the history of mankind has nagging ever done anything?!

    You can try to encourage him (silently) by your actions. If you're making healthy food and going out for exercise and getting a fit sexy little body, then boy oh boy, he will take notice! And nothing drives people better than competition. It's hard for alot of people to see their SO do well without them. They want to match. They don't want to be the fat one in a relationship. So keep at it and focus on you! When he's ready, he'll join ya.

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