I have spent the last 3 days recovering and coming back from a 4 day junk food binge. We went to the county fair where I indulged in greasy, delicious fair fries and a funnel cake for dinner....then topped that off with a hot fudge sundae for dessert!!! Heavenly!!!
Then......we spent the next two days at a water park where I enjoyed pizza, more greasy fries, ice cream, etc.
Then....just for kicks....I spent the whole next day stuffing my face with cookies, ice cream, donuts, and the like.
In those 4 days I went from 149lbs to 153lbs.
In all honesty, I consider myself lucky that 4lbs was ALL I gained!!
3 days later, fully back on track, I am thankfully down to 150. Phew!!!
But.....I have been thinking a lot lately.....
This whole "getting healthy/losing weight" thing is exhausting!!! Like being on a roller coaster.....up, down, up, down, up, down.....getting nauseous.....up, down, up, down......please stop this ride.....it's not so fun anymore!!
Frustrated with my lack of self control to fight these wild food cravings, I sat down with My Self and had a heart-to-heart.....here's how it went:
Me: "Hey Self......"
Self: "Yes?...."
Me: "How's it goin'?"
Self: "Fine, and you?"
Me: "Not so well.....I'm tired of this whole thing, to be honest. I am tired of fighting every single day....tired of doing well just to do terrible for a day or two...or three....or four....and then have to fight to get back on track."
Self: "I see"
Me: "Let me ask you something, when will I be done with this?! Seriously! I want to know what the plan is....I need a date, or something.... I need a point in time when I will be able to just sail along, like I used to. I want to know when I won't be all-consumed with what I am eating, how much exercise I've gotten, how many calories I burned, how high my heart rate gets when I shuffle. Please! Tell me! When will I be done?!"
Self: "Hmmmmm....yes, I sense your frustration and your exhaustion. You have struggled for almost 5 months now...but you have done well. Let me see if I can give you a light at the end of your tunnel. Let me whip out my handy-dandy "When Will I be Done" formula and get you a date to mark on your calendar......"
Me: "Oh thank you!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!"
I sat back...relieved. Thank God!! I will have a date to look forward to! It was like seeing the finish line at the end of a race and getting that second wind!!
My Self got her window marker out and got right to work on the formula!!
I waited, quite impatiently for the answer.....
My Self worked diligently and enthusiastically on the formula. She worked and re-worked the numbers.....my heart pounded nervously and I leaned forward in my seat.......C'mon, c'mon, c'mon!!! I thought impatiently.
Self: (mumbling quietly to herself) "......if we take the maximum heart rate and divide it by Pi.......and the take the calories in a gallon of ice cream and add that to pie.......and take the square root of Mu and subtract that from Moo........we need to consider the denominator and make it the numerator......your BMR divided by your BMI brought to the 4th power.....then we take your BMW to the BMV......."
Me: "C'mon already!!!"
(I could hardly control my excitement!)
Self: "I got it!!!!!! Ready?"
Me: "Yes!!! When?!" I sat anxiously with my calendar and pencil ready to mark that glorious date....
Self: "Ok....here it is......"
Me: (Gnawing nervously on the pencil.....)
Self: "Never"
Me: (Thumbing through the calendar.....looking.....mumbling.....) "Never..."
Then it hit me what My Self had just said....I looked up at her stunningly beautiful alien-like face.....
Me: "Wait.....never?"
Self: "Never"
Me: "What?! Never?!?!
Self: (nodding) "Mmm-hmmm"
Me: "What do you mean...."never"? "
Self: I mean never....nunca.....non-stop....evermore.....this will not end as long as you live.....that is what I mean."
I was ticked!!!! Never?! How could this be?!
Me: "There must be some kind of mistake!!!" I protested. "Maybe your formula is flawed!! Look here....I don't even own a BMW!!!!! You have to re-work the formula!!"
Patiently, My Self continued......
Self: "Karen.....what part of "life-style change" aren't you getting?"
I pouted childishly at My Self and wiped the tear that had fallen from my eye.....
Me: "I'm just so tired of this!! It isn't getting easier!! I want it to be effortless, but it is a fight every day!!"..........so stupid!!"
Self: "Let me ask you something.....when you are shuffling up a hill....is it hard?"
I sat up and pulled my lower lip back in....I LOVE to talk about shuffling!!
Me: "Yes, it's hard!! Have you seen how high I can get my heart rate?! It's crazy!!"
Self: "Right....do you stop shuffling because it is hard?"
Me: "Well....sometimes I do, but I have gotten to the point where I can just push through it, as long as the hill isn't too bad. I just talk myself through it!"
Self: "What do you tell yourself when shuffling gets tough and you want to quit?"
Me: "I remind myself that the top of the hill is coming soon, and I will have a chance to recover at the top and down the other side....I tell myself that the discomfort I feel is nothing to fear and I am not injured, I am just uncomfortable.....what's your point, oh wise one?"
Self: "Are all of your shuffles good ones?"
Me: "Oh heavens no!! I have plenty of bad shuffles!! Why, just the other day I meant to shuffle 6 miles but could only do 3! I had to walk back 3 miles because I just wasn't feelin' it that day!"
Self: "Mmm-hmmmm. But would you say that you have more good shuffles than bad?"
Me: "Yes....yes I would! Especially considering where I was just 5 months ago!!"
Self: "Your journey to better health is like a shuffle. It doesn't have to be perfect! It can't be perfect! You will have your good days and your bad days....just as long as there are more good days, you will continue to move in a positive direction. Think of your "bad days" as the recovery at the top of the hill. A chance to just relax and enjoy the moment. Think of those days as your "recharge days"....not "failures", because they are not. They are your moment to enjoy your life, to relax and not think about calories and exercise. You "binged" on those foods because you were enjoying the moment with your family....like you should be doing!!! Your daily fight with your food addiction is like shuffling up those hills....sure it is uncomfortable, but not impossible! Keep talking yourself through it, and it will become easier. You have improved tremendously! Look at how far you've come! 5 months ago, EVERY day was a free-for-all! Now, it's just once in a while....and you are shuffling so much now!"
I considered these words for a moment.
Me: "Hmmm..... I guess I never thought about it like that before. Wow. Thanks for that! Not only are you stunningly beautiful, you are wise beyond words!"
Self: "Yes.....indeed I am"
Me: "Self.....can I ask you another question?"
Self: "Of course"
Me: "Why is it that when I shuffle and sweat profusely, my entire body smells like dirty feet.....EXCEPT for my dirty feet??"
Self: (Staring blankly at me with her enormous, alien-like eyes.....) "What?"
Me: "I mean, think about it....my FEET are dirty from shuffling....but they don't smell like dirty feet!! BUT the rest of my body DOES smell like dirty feet!! What's up with that?!"
Self: (shaking her head) "Because you. are. weird."
