On my 21st...

I will allow myself cake!
So a little background here...I am 21 today and have had an eating disorder since the age of 6. Started with binge eating disorder, then non-purge bulimia and anorexia (did overexercising to purge, no binging), and then straight anorexia, and then back to non-purge type bulimia and anorexia (again overexercise but no binging). So it's been rough. I have really commited to recovery in the past few weeks and am working with an amazing team. This past week I let go of all control and ate TONS of fear foods such as steel cut oats, mahi-mahi, yeast rolls, pecans, peanut butter....there were a lot (I have over 200). Well...tonight is going to be the biggest one yet.
Tonight, on my 21st birthday, I am going to have b-day cake. This will be the 1st time in my WHOLE LIFE I am "allowed" to eat cake from a restaraunt (my mom had me on diets from age of 7 on and thus these foods were off limits) and the 1st time having cake on my b-day since the age of 14. I know for some this wouldn't be a victory or wouldn't be a success, but for me it is. And my nutritionist is making me do it the "normal" way. Basically I have to eat my whole meal plan and do the cake as an extra. She assures me I won't gain weight from this...and I am hopeful to see that as true...because even with all the fear foods this past week and the fact I am on a weight gain plan, my weight has stayed exactly the same. I am learning to trust my body for once...so this cake isn't just going to celebrate the fact I have survived 21 years of my life, but it will also be a celebration of the EXPERIENCE of life and recovery I hope to have for years to come!
Oh and if you are interested in learning about eating disorders...I write my true, honest story on my blog:
http://freedomhunger.blogspot.com