Went back to the gym. not about working out/losing weight

Honestly I have not done much working out this summer. The few pounds I have gained back, show that. But last night I said I was going back to the gym today. I got my clothes out, and I went back. I told myself you are starting over. You don't need to workout for an hour. You can do 30 min. of interval training like you did in the beginning. That is what I did.

I was watching Extreme Weight Loss on my phone. Many people don't agree with this show, for the fact that most of us can't work out for 4 to 6 hours a day. I don't watch it for the weight loss as much as I watch it for why they gained weight.What struggles are they having. Because a lot of times it is the same stuff I am going/gone through.

The last two shows have hit home to me. Alyssa gained weight after her mother died. Dealing with that loss was so much for her. I had gained a lot of weight after my Dad died 6 years ago. I managed to get 30 pounds of that off. Then in April I started MFP and I got about 30-35 pounds off before my best friend died this year. That is when I pretty much stopped it all. I was not eating the best, no working out. I could relate and understand how Alyssa felt. I felt her pain because it was pain I was/had dealt with.

Today the show I was watching was about Mike. He was so heavy and had heart issues that they were not sure he could even do the show. But he passed some test and was given a second chance. That hit home for me because last year at this time I was so sick. I was only able to really go to work and come home. I was having a hysterectomy in October and my body was a mess. I was never afraid to die. I was to worried about my best friend fighting cancer. She was worried about me having major surgery. I said if I was able to get through this I would change my body/life.

So today while I was on the treadmill and watching the show. I was thinking. Why did I start this in April? What changed for me to give up and what is changing for me to want to go back to how I was in April. I realized that even though I love a man more than I ever thought I would again. He is not good for me. He can't give me the life I deserve. He can't take care of me emotionally. I also realized that Michelle was so unhappy towards the end of her life. She was angry and mad. Things have come out that make me so sad to think in her dying day..she wanted to die. Not to be done suffering, not to stop fighting, but to get away from the man who tortured her to the end. If there is anything I can do to honor my friend. Is to live my life being happy, to make sure her children are happy. To let them know that I love them and I loved their mother.

So today it was not about working out, It was not about losing weight. I found myself on that treadmill. I found out some of the things I want in life. I have decided that the new man I am dating deserves all of me, not just a part of me. I am not holding back how I may feel in the future.

Not sure why I decided to share all this. But I know I am ready to continue on this journey. Feeling empowered by a spirit that is with me every day.