Too Ashamed of Being Fat to go to the Doctor

I want to share my story in hopes that it will help and motivate others. My highest weight was 306, and I’m only 5’1” tall, that is a BMI of 57.8. I carried all that weight pretty well, I don’t think most people ever suspected that I was in the high 200’s. I tried to avoid mirrors and social situations, because I felt so awkward and ashamed. I sedated myself with comfort food and excelled at avoiding all my issues, weight and otherwise.

Even when I felt ill, I was so ashamed to go to the doctor’s office that I would only go if it was urgent. It was not only sitting in the waiting room and feeling like the fattest one there, hips being squished by the chair handles, uncomfortably holding my arms across my girth trying to stay in my own personal space; but also knowing I was going to step onto the scale and have to confront the humiliating fact that I was so desperately trying to avoid: I was morbidly obese and it was my own fault. Watching the nurse move the weights: the 150 pound bar, the 200 pound bar, the 250 pound bar, the 300 pound bar. And sometimes I could swear I could see an almost imperceptible look of shock on her face as she advanced to the next highest weight bracket. How incompetent and idiotic I felt knowing that most of my health issues were due to something I was doing to myself, and not feeling like I could control it. I feared the judgment, but in thinking back, it wasn’t the judgment of others so much as it was the judgment from myself that I was being forced to stare in the face.

I’m still obese, but I have turned things around and am in the process of reclaiming my life. I posted the yearlong mark of my journey here: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1075986-55-years-old-1-year-126-pounds-lost

My focus is on my health, emotional and physical, so as part of my metamorphosis, I’ve caught up on all the doctor visits that I had put off for so long. I am now an involved patient who takes responsibility for my own health, I feel empowered and in control (most of the time).

The one visit I want to highlight is my colonoscopy, because it doesn’t take much to want to avoid that one. When you hit 50 years old, it’s time to have a routine colonoscopy. I let that slide. I turned 51, 52, 53, 54, 55; all the years went by, and though I felt twinges of guilt, I rationalized the procrastination and I steered clear from thinking about it. I put it off until it was the last test left that needed.

I finally had it done last month. They found two polyps, which they removed for biopsy. One was benign, but the other was precancerous. I’m here to tell you that I’m lucky, because it was PREcancerous and the doctor removed it all.

For all my friends on MFP, and anyone reading this who is that magical age when you should be having a colonoscopy but maybe like me, you’re avoiding it because you’re just not comfortable going to the doctor. PLEASE get it done. It wasn’t that bad, and the benefits are well worth it.

I realize now how foolish I was to put this test off and to avoid seeking medical care in general. Is avoiding confronting my own problems worth losing my life? Not anymore for me, and I hope not for you either. It takes a while to lose weight, but it just takes one second and one decision to reclaim a focus on our own health. Just because we’re "fat", doesn’t mean we don’t deserve to be healthy. :flowerforyou: