Negativity and Put downs by friends and family

Hello This is my first post. I just need to vent a bit and get some advice. I have had negativity from my friend/ co-worker and my mother. I try to work out 4-5 days a week. I count calories, watch my portions, cut out all processed food as much as I can. I also run/jog and run stairs every night. I eat pretty good most days but I do allow myself cheat days every once in a while. I have lost 20lbs so far.
My friends started her weight loss journey with me. But she gave up 2 weeks in. A few weeks ago she saw that I had a burrito then later that day I had a slice of pizza sitting on my desk. I actually didn’t eat the pizza I gave it to someone else. Any way she brought it up like she was the diet police and was accusing me of eating bad food and that I wasn’t going to lose any weight eating crap like that. This comes from a chick who eats an entire box of rice crispies as her afternoon and bed time snack. She eats 3-4 giant slices of pizza a day from the pizza place down stairs on top of that she drinks 4-5 44OZ cups of coke a day. But she is going to tell ME im going to get fat from a burrito and slice of pizza (that I didn’t eat)
Even if I do cheat I burn so many calories that cheating isn’t going to ruin my weight loss. At one point she accused me of using diet pill to lose the weight. When we first started trying to lose weight we would meet up on walks and she would always find excuses to stop. Tie her shoes, check her phone, and chase some random cat she saw. And after our walk she would go to a fast food joints and get ice cream and say she deserved a treat for working out!! She never even broke a sweat! So I just stopped going with her. After that she quit talking to me as much. Then after her blowup we haven’t talked since. Why do people do this, become diet police? Especially people who make no effort to be healthier?
My mom who is a narcissist also makes negative snarky nasty comments , especially if I have any success. She doesn’t support anything if it doesn’t have anything to do with her. When I told her I lost weight and showed her my before and after picture she just said it was gas. Gas!! Ok so I lost 20lbs because I had gas. Any time I say I lost more weight she invalidates it by saying I should just use diet pills if I want real result. She makes snarky comments when she see’s me eating bread. Losing weight doesn’t mean I cant eat bread! She has been offering to buy me dinner… At taco bell, burger king, McDonalds , or brings home pizza saying she was just being nice. My mom is super selfish and never has offered to buy me dinner before. She saw me drinking a can of sprite. And of course a snotty comment followed "oh its whole sprite not diet". Yes occasionally i will drink soda only sprite and one can. This woman drinks diet soda by the gallons. She drink 2 2liter diet soda bottles A DAY!!! Ok so her drinking gallons of diet soda is healthier then me drinking one can of sprite?!?! And if she isn’t doing that she is picking at the stuff I do eat and tries to tell me what I need to be buying. She has big temper tantrums when I go on my runs at night. She acts as if I am disturbing the household by coming in late (10pm) . I am 27yrs old not 16 and this isn’t her house. I live in AZ and its still 107 degrees out. So night time is my only option. I tried going early in the morning before she gets up that ALSO inconveniences her more tantrums. I feel like she is trying to sabotage me by throwing these tantrums so I don’t go exercise. She is over weight as well and always complains she needs to lose weight. So I think she is mad and jealous that I am actually losing weight. She is super competitive and has to one up and be the first in everything.
On top of that she is working as a temp at a diet company and they give out the product free to employees. She bragged about losing 7lbs the first week (water weight). And has since gained it back but she is always trying to push this crap on me. Im working my butt off to get in shape and she just dismisses my efforts and pushes this diet crap on me. I was looking into water fasting and she tells me her diet pills are the same as water fasting! Seriously!? When I celebrate a 4lb weight loss she in the most snarky nasty tone ask me how did you do that, then pushes the diet crap on me. Uh do you not see me working out and eating right? Her tone and the faces she makes just set me off. I can’t share anything positive around her she can’t allow me to have any joy even over the littlest thing
My sister is also very over weight my eating healthy inspired her so she went and bought healthy food and my mom noticed. One put down from my mom and she was back on the junk food. She also puts my sister down all the time about how she looks. I have the right to be healthy and take care of my body and I don’t feel I should placate to her dramas and emotional outburst when I go to exercise. How do I deal with this woman?
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Replies

  • helenmelon29
    helenmelon29 Posts: 787 Member
    Gosh - I dont know how to help but she sounds like your teenager not your mum!

    If I was you I wouldn't tell her anything about what you are doing and just do it without her. Just stick to your plan and you will prove to them that you are doing it the right way. 20lb is brilliant - keep it up.
  • Unfortunatly we don't get to pick our parents. You have to forgive her to find your own inner peace and start enjoying your successes. 20lbs is a good achievement. Find the people who recognise that. And perhaps find your own place if you can afford to.
  • b_anik
    b_anik Posts: 4
    Hello, this is my first post too - I don't usually participate in the forums, but I can relate to your post very much. My mother is kind of supportive, but she don't know much about nutrition and exercise, so she is always worried about my foods. And she says I exercise too much.. But she is alright afterall. My problem is my father, who eats at least two snacks after dinner, but always make jokes about my food. He says that table sugar and white bread are things you can't live without..... BTW I have wheat intolerance, so I couldn't eat bread even if I want. And he always says that I only do diet and exercise, because I want to look good, and that's what society wants and I'm just weak-hearted to be myself. Bullsh*t. Of course I want to look good, but also I want to be healthy. And I wasn't healthy being 30 kg (66 lbs) overweight (I've lost about 12 kg/26 lbs so far). And my father says things like my oatmeal smells like horse.. and I wanted to enjoy that oatmeal. And he says that I'm just a stupid little girl, and I know nothing about nutrition and biology. Actually, I'm 23 and about to graduate as a bioengineer..
    My other problem is my friend and roommate. She eats junk foods all the time, I calculated one day that she eats a 500g+ of carbohydrates a day, mostly from sugar. On the one hand sometimes it's really hard to watch her eating pizza, nutella, more pizza, chips, etc. And she eats all day. And on the other hand she also makes joke of me. For example when I eat a big plate of salad and chicken at night, she says I shouldn't eat that late. And she says it with chips in her hand. Because "chips are not food, just snack". Blahh....
    Oh, and my post workout protein shakes... everyone says that they are "instant muscle powder", and I will become manly, than I die. So nice.
    Fortunately, I have my boyfriend who bakes protein cakes with me, and with whom I can talk about my exercise.

    I really don't know how to deal with these people, I'm often frustrated because of it. Usually I just try to ignore them, and avoid to eat with them. Couldn't you move away from your mother? Or is she the one who lives in your house? (" I am 27yrs old not 16 and this isn’t her house" - it wasn't clear for me)
  • I moved in with my sister a year ago to try to save money. I haven't found consistent work to get my own place yet. I'm trying to save up money to move. My mom lost her place and job and had to move in with my sister and I about 5 months ago. Its my sisters place but she is terrified of conflict and of standing up to my mom.My mom brought her 5 dogs with her that have destroyed a lot of my sisters things. And they have gotten her in trouble with the landlord. On top of the crazy behavior from my mom. My mom needed to be kicked out months ago. She really is mentally unstable but my sister doesn't have the guts to put out her mom. I know it sounds terrible but she is terrible in so many other ways to much to explain. Just look up malignant narcissist and it explains a lot. I am working on getting out of here as soon as i can because it doesn't look like my mom is making the effort to get her own place again anytime soon.
  • mperrott2205
    mperrott2205 Posts: 737 Member
    Your "friend" is a moron. You should tell her that and tell her to mind her own business. If she wants to be a fat mess then let her, but don't let her lack of belief or motivation bring you down because you have desire and ambition to change.

    In regards to your family I'm not sure what advice I can give but I will wish you all the best in the future and hope you find the answer soon.
  • hookilau
    hookilau Posts: 3,134 Member
    Nothing like being surrounded by people with hellish attitudes :frown:
    I'm sorry you're having these difficulties to deal with but have no useful advice to offer.

    I also have a mom & sister who are, let's just say difficult to deal with at times :ohwell: So I know how defeating it can be.
    I hope things work out for you.

    On the upside, there IS that impressive 20# weight loss!!! :drinker:
  • shivles
    shivles Posts: 468 Member
    One word for you: jealousy

    People are very negative when they see you doing the things they should be doing too, they feel threatened by it, like you're showing them up. Rise above it, ignore them, know you're doing AWESOME!
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  • ppoplawski
    ppoplawski Posts: 7 Member
    Sometimes and with some people you just have to snap and say enough. Just because they are working towards an early grave does not mean you must follow. I think it's brought about by jealousy, and you have to just hit it head on. Turn it around and make them feel bad about their choices.
  • ppoplawski
    ppoplawski Posts: 7 Member
    I think that nailed it.
  • NonnyMary
    NonnyMary Posts: 982 Member
    Hi - wow thats a hard situation to be in - the best thing would be to move out, since you haven't there may be a reason,but sometimes all that is pressure to make you want to move out and make your own life, your own house/apartment, so that you can do as you please.

    At work, you have an easy solution - get back to having a professional - not a freindly/personal - relationship with your co-workers. If they are giving you unwanted conversation, there are labor laws about that, you may have to go back to having a professional relationship with them. In other words, they are acting inappropriately for work relations. They have overstepped their boundaries, and check your personnel manual if you have one. The easy way to stop that is to go back to having a professional relationship, not a friendship one. If that doesn't work, then you have to start changing the boundaries and start acting professional, not friendly. this might cause a slight problem, but they are being inappropriate at work. You are there to work, and they are too, and you must establish boundaries. get your boss to help you if needed.

    Other than that, keep your diet and your exercise to yourself. if anyone makes comments, just listen and nod, and go your way. You are 27, an adult, and you could start thinking and planning how to be independent and think for yourself, and let others know that you are not going to be manipulated by their comments that are not welcome. but you have to start setting boundaries and telling people their comments are not wanted. or needed.

    if anyone gives you stuff like their diet food, you dont have to eat it.. just say no, and refuse it, or accept it, but put it somewhere in a corner, or the trash.. and dont eat it.
  • MSam1205
    MSam1205 Posts: 439 Member
    You did the right thing by letting off steam in a safe environment. All before me have give some great responses, so I just want to say you are doing the right thing, your mom and friend are probably a "test" of your determination to succeed, and those 20lbs lost is a great testament to your strenght to see this through!!
  • YaGigi
    YaGigi Posts: 817 Member
    Wow, that's a lot of complaining... I hope it's just pms... Those are very little things you're complaining about. Stop complaining and just appreciate what you have.

    Look at the big picture - you're healthy, young, you've got a family and a place to live. You live in a peaceful country. You can afford food, house and clothes. Believe me, that's a LOT.

    Regarding your friend - I don't understand why you give a **** about her. Next time she says anything just cut her down like beaaaaaatch, shut up, I've lost 20 pounds and you're still fat, get lost. That's it :)

    Regarding your mom - she's your mom. Appreciate her while she's still there. She gave you life and she loves you. You might get upset sometimes with her but she's still your mom. I know my parents are always harsh on my weight gain, they're used to me being sexy and slim, but I know it comes from a good heart. Just get your own place, that's it.
  • expoduck
    expoduck Posts: 59
    I keep trying to discuss my weight loss with my mum, and I never seem to learn that it's just a bad idea! She's always got a "better, quicker, easier" way of doing it, and yet *I'm* the one who's lost 50lbs in the last 7 months while she's put weight on!

    Do what I try to remember to do, and change the subject! Just don't discuss it with her. You'll never change her mind, so save your energy!
    Same goes for your rice crispie munching friend. :)

    Stay strong! xx
  • expoduck
    expoduck Posts: 59
    So, basically, do as I say, not as I do! :drinker:
    (I'll try harder to do it!)
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  • I would just spend less time around them.
  • allbarrett
    allbarrett Posts: 159 Member
    I would recommend not discussing your weight loss with friends or family. Having been on both ends of that conversation at various points in my life, I can honestly say that there is nothing more annoying that someone either proselytizing for their latest weight loss program (when you aren't trying to lose weight) or talking about how silly your goals or how you are going about it all wrong (when you are trying to lose weight).

    If your mother offers to take you out for dinner, have a restaurant to suggest "to try out" that actually serves healthy options. If that doesn't interest her, then so be it. Your colleague, should she be so rude as to berate you for whatever you eat at the office (honestly, people do that?!)...whatever, tell her nothing, ask her politely to drop the subject or just say you have changed up your eating habits (what business is it of hers anyway?).

    What it all comes down to is you are changing your lifestyle (not dieting!) for you, not for them. If they can't be supportive, or at least leave you alone to do what you want in this case, then don't bother trying to make them a part of it.

    Do feel free to show off your new (slimmer!) clothes when you bring them home though...while I usually advocate taking the high road, I feel a little showing off is good for the soul. :)
  • YaGigi
    YaGigi Posts: 817 Member
    Wow, that's a lot of complaining... I hope it's just pms... Those are very little things you're complaining about. Stop complaining and just appreciate what you have.

    Look at the big picture - you're healthy, young, you've got a family and a place to live. You live in a peaceful country. You can afford food, house and clothes. Believe me, that's a LOT.

    Regarding your friend - I don't understand why you give a **** about her. Next time she says anything just cut her down like beaaaaaatch, shut up, I've lost 20 pounds and you're still fat, get lost. That's it :)

    Regarding your mom - she's your mom. Appreciate her while she's still there. She gave you life and she loves you. You might get upset sometimes with her but she's still your mom. I know my parents are always harsh on my weight gain, they're used to me being sexy and slim, but I know it comes from a good heart. Just get your own place, that's it.

    Man, someone needs a hug, seriously.

    Ummmm, ok... Hug :)
  • resarooney
    resarooney Posts: 1 Member
    I don't even talk about "diet" around family and friends. What's great about this app is it allows me to eat normal food and I don't feel deprived. I used to get that attitude from family, a classic was my sister telling me, why do I bother, "you know you will eventually quit"...there's support for you. Seem like your biggest issue is you do not have a real life support system to build you up for the positive things you are doing. Can you join a Y or a gym. Some of the cost monthly charges are not as costly as they used to be and sounds like if you could create a network of like minded people in your life to motivate you it would greatly lessen the effects of the negativity being thrown in your face. good luck. don't listen to the haters. one day at a time....
  • mojohowitz
    mojohowitz Posts: 900 Member
    I suffered with the same problem from my mom. The hardest part is accepting that parents are human and sometimes flawed or emotionally stunted. I had to learn to keep my distance and stop looking to them to meet certain emotional needs that parents were supposed to fulfill. There comes a time when you have to learn to parent yourself. It sucks but that's life. Take some time to mourn your messed up childhood and then move on.

    For the record, you are doing awesome and should be proud of yourself. If others can't celebrate with you they are missing out.

    As for the friend, try to brush it off. Everyone has their insecurities and sometimes others success brings them to light. Just focus on getting yourself where you want to be and then you will be better prepared to help others.
  • lindustum
    lindustum Posts: 212 Member
    Wow, that's a lot of complaining... I hope it's just pms... Those are very little things you're complaining about. Stop complaining and just appreciate what you have.

    Look at the big picture - you're healthy, young, you've got a family and a place to live. You live in a peaceful country. You can afford food, house and clothes. Believe me, that's a LOT.

    Regarding your friend - I don't understand why you give a **** about her. Next time she says anything just cut her down like beaaaaaatch, shut up, I've lost 20 pounds and you're still fat, get lost. That's it :)

    Regarding your mom - she's your mom. Appreciate her while she's still there. She gave you life and she loves you. You might get upset sometimes with her but she's still your mom. I know my parents are always harsh on my weight gain, they're used to me being sexy and slim, but I know it comes from a good heart. Just get your own place, that's it.

    I disagree completely. I'm just going to hypothesize that you are lucky enough to have a nice or stable family in order to say so.

    The OP is 27 and not 17, on some rebellious streak thinking parents are know-it-all's. My bf's mother fits the same description. She controls everyone around her, puts people down, disrupt their lives. Everything is about her, her health problems, this, that - she is not working and living of her husbands accumulated money- and she thinks that everything she has bought for my bf (her only son) ultimately belongs to her, even though it's things like his bedroom furniture. My bf suffered and still suffers severely from the 27-odd years of bullying. I don't want to disclose to much detail, but I can tell you that he has reduced contact to his mother to a phone-call in a month, if at all. It sounds like the OP's sister is basically in a similar spot.

    Not all mothers are created equal, nor should they be treated as such. If your mother has not mentally developed past the age of 5, there is imho no ground for the children to "suck it up". Yes you can demonize her or judge her which isn't making things better, but the OP (and her sister!) have to think about protecting themselves. Emotionally. I understand people have views that family is sacred, but I personally beg to differ.

    To the OP: My my... good luck trying to move out! :/
  • 0somuchbetter0
    0somuchbetter0 Posts: 1,335 Member
    Wow, that's a lot of complaining... I hope it's just pms... Those are very little things you're complaining about. Stop complaining and just appreciate what you have.

    Look at the big picture - you're healthy, young, you've got a family and a place to live. You live in a peaceful country. You can afford food, house and clothes. Believe me, that's a LOT.

    Regarding your friend - I don't understand why you give a **** about her. Next time she says anything just cut her down like beaaaaaatch, shut up, I've lost 20 pounds and you're still fat, get lost. That's it :)

    Regarding your mom - she's your mom. Appreciate her while she's still there. She gave you life and she loves you. You might get upset sometimes with her but she's still your mom. I know my parents are always harsh on my weight gain, they're used to me being sexy and slim, but I know it comes from a good heart. Just get your own place, that's it.

    From Wikipedia: "Malignant narcissism has been described as "an extreme form of antisocial personality disorder combined with narcissistic elements that is manifested in a person who is pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation, and with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism."

    Living with someone with a mental illness can be debilitating. In this case, it sounds downright impossible. This isn't just a case of "oh, my mom is getting on my nerves, boohoo." I realize you're from Afghanistan and your country has suffered horribly and I'm sure you've had your share of personal family issues, but don't belittle someone else's life. You don't know anything about the OP and her situation except what she's posted in a moment of anger and frustration, in a virtual place that is supposedly supportive. Lighten up.
  • chandanista
    chandanista Posts: 986 Member
    Best thing I ever did for my relationship with my parents was to cut off most contact for a year. After that we settled into adult-adult relationship. My mom isn't narcissist, she's bipolar, and she was able to get her meds figured out during the cut-back time.

    Obviously that doesn't help you right now, as you don't have money to move out and your sister won't do what she needs to evict mother and dogs. You say the dogs have caused trouble with the landlord, would the landlord be willing to do the dirty work and evict your mom? Just a thought. You and your sister were raised in an unhealthy environment and are now trapping yourselves in that environment again. People with fantastic parents don't understand the hel* you are going through. I reach out to you with a hug, and would go on a run tonight with you if I could :)

    As for your "friend" I'd be tempted to just say "Jealous much?" next time she talks about you losing weight while eating burritos.
  • Jealousy at its finest! Those people have no self control and think you should not either. Keep it up!
  • JenAndSome
    JenAndSome Posts: 1,893 Member
    I don't know why people continue thinking that they have to maintain friendships and relationships with people like this. It sounds like your "friend" is a person who cannot follow through with anything and is jealous that you are continuing to have success and showing dedication. Either she'll come back around or she won't. You are better off without someone throwing negativity at you anyways.

    As far as your mother goes, there is no unwritten rule that you have to maintain contact with her just because she gave you life. I know it is hard right now because you are in the same household, but that doesn't mean you have to speak to her outside of just being polite. Focus on keeping up the good work and don't speak to her about what you eat or do. If she brings it up, leave the room. The other thing you should focus on is getting your own place or maybe a roommate to move in with. It doesn't sound like your sister is going to give your mom the boot anytime soon or maybe ever. Good luck to you.
  • Amitysk
    Amitysk Posts: 705 Member
    I am so sorry to hear that you're going through this. It definitely makes it harder.

    Unfortunately, I don't have any advice to give other than to keep on keeping on and try and ignore them. Between your real friends and this community you can get a lot of support.

    Congrats on your loss so far!
  • l911jnt
    l911jnt Posts: 164 Member
    One word for you: jealousy

    People are very negative when they see you doing the things they should be doing too, they feel threatened by it, like you're showing them up. Rise above it, ignore them, know you're doing AWESOME!
    this is sooo true! that's all it is.
  • YaGigi
    YaGigi Posts: 817 Member
    Wow, that's a lot of complaining... I hope it's just pms... Those are very little things you're complaining about. Stop complaining and just appreciate what you have.

    Look at the big picture - you're healthy, young, you've got a family and a place to live. You live in a peaceful country. You can afford food, house and clothes. Believe me, that's a LOT.

    Regarding your friend - I don't understand why you give a **** about her. Next time she says anything just cut her down like beaaaaaatch, shut up, I've lost 20 pounds and you're still fat, get lost. That's it :)

    Regarding your mom - she's your mom. Appreciate her while she's still there. She gave you life and she loves you. You might get upset sometimes with her but she's still your mom. I know my parents are always harsh on my weight gain, they're used to me being sexy and slim, but I know it comes from a good heart. Just get your own place, that's it.

    From Wikipedia: "Malignant narcissism has been described as "an extreme form of antisocial personality disorder combined with narcissistic elements that is manifested in a person who is pathologically grandiose, lacking in conscience and behavioral regulation, and with characteristic demonstrations of joyful cruelty and sadism."

    Living with someone with a mental illness can be debilitating. In this case, it sounds downright impossible. This isn't just a case of "oh, my mom is getting on my nerves, boohoo." I realize you're from Afghanistan and your country has suffered horribly and I'm sure you've had your share of personal family issues, but don't belittle someone else's life. You don't know anything about the OP and her situation except what she's posted in a moment of anger and frustration, in a virtual place that is supposedly supportive. Lighten up.

    I should lighten up?! Seriously?
    I think the OP should lighten up and stop *****ing about stuff that doesn't matter much in life. Ok, so some friend isn't supportive on her weightloss... Why should she care so much what that friend has to say? It's a waste of her energy and time, and emotions to focus so much on something that has so little meaning in life.

    I'd understand if I read it from a 17 years old girl but OP is 27 and its time to grow up already. People will always try to put her down, personally or professionally. It's life. And paying too much attention to these kind of people is not the best idea. It just feeds their hunger for conflict.

    Regarding my family, yes I'm BLESSED with having an amazing family. But we do had and have our share of personality clushes, if I put it mildly. That's why I live separately, as a grown up.

    Yeah, it cold be cultural differences but I don't understand when I read suggestions like "don't talk to your mother" and etc. she gave life to the OP, she loves her as a piece of herself, it's the ancient motherly instinct. They just need to live in separate homes as most grown ups do.
  • FaitheSoler
    FaitheSoler Posts: 107 Member
    Sounds like she really never was your friend just a co worker you hanged out with... Drop her and just remember it is all jealousy.

    After you move out my advise would be cut your mother out of your life. I know it sound harsh but she is destructive. Let her know you love to have her in your life after she gets help.. As for diet soda and sugar free foods they are bad for you. They add more unhealthy stuff to replace the sugar. So your sprite is healthier than her diet soda. That sweet in low stuff tricks your body into thinking you got sugar and makes you crave more sugar. So you have a nice treat for the day lets say a 1/2 cup of ice cream. I love ice cream..lol After your taste buds get use to the sweeter stuff that ice cream you loved so much will taste nasty unless it has more sugar and more sugar... SAY NO TO ALL THAT SUGAR FREE STUFF.

    Keep up with what you are doing.. Remember you do not need them to support you. This is for you and not for them.. Try looking for a workout buddy that you can talk to.. Hope things get better...