Negativity and Put downs by friends and family

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  • chandanista
    chandanista Posts: 986 Member
    Narcissistic people are unable to love other people as themselves. Not everyone has a motherly instinct. Harsh but true.

    It's terribly confusing for someone who grew up in a bitter environment to come out of it and realize that it wasn't normal. The mixture of feelings is painful; love for someone spiteful, hate for what they were put through, confusion for "Why would a person do that?" and the realization that someone preached as a hero was manipulative and unkind. Throw in a little jealousy for the normal kids, desire for a mom who showed up at PTA and didn't scream at anybody, realization that your parents could have set you up for independency (credit limits etc) as an adult and chose not to, and the pain for all the birthdays your mom didn't call you on your birthday, and you've got a nice big ball of love-interlaced-pain that makes a psychiatrist see dollar bills when you walk in.

    To have dealt with those emotions at a distance, then suddenly be put into that situation of control by their negative influence again, has got to be one of the most emotionally challenging things in the world. Being told she owes her mother ANYTHING is incorrect. She owes her mother nothing. She may choose to follow the inborn instinct to love one's mother, she may choose to be hurt day after day by the cruel things her mother shrieks and eventually distance herself, but whatever OP chooses to do with her situation I want her to know: She owes her mother nothing. If her mother wants her to have a healthy relationship, she has to hold up her end of it; not just the narcissistic, mean stuff, but be halfway supportive or loving. It is impossible to have a one-sided relationship, in marriage, in parentage, in friendship, in anything. It takes two to have a relationship.
  • l911jnt
    l911jnt Posts: 164 Member
    Next time your friend says something about your food choices smile really big and say " I know, isn't it GREAT that I have learned how and when I can eat this stuff and STILL be losing weight? " Just stand up to your mother and tell her your food and health choices are just fine without her opinion or input on how she thinks you should be doing it. tell her in a firm way, say end of discussion and walk away from her. if she gets mad let her. then just ignore anything else she says about it period. after a while she will shut up about it.
  • Minks_esposa
    Minks_esposa Posts: 54
    That's why I keep my cutting calories and watching what I eat to myself. Nothing worse than being surrounded by a bunch of food police. We don't live close to family and I don't mention my weight loss or what I eat because I don't feel like having negative judgment when I want to eat a pack of M&M.
  • susank0688
    susank0688 Posts: 9 Member
    It is hard to feel okay in our weight-obsessed culture when everything and everyone around us makes it clear that we are not okay. Television, billboards, magazines and people in elevators communicate disapproval of the amount of space we consume. It's natural to build defenses against the unceasing assault on our very existence, and having people around you who feel the same pain is comforting. Your mom, sister, and friend feel threatened by your desire to jump ship and join the other side. They aren't in a place to offer you support and encouragement, in a way they need support and encouragement of their own.

    You've embarked on a journey not just of physical change, but also of emotional growth. Your success depends not just on how much you control your diet and exercise, but on building your confidence and finding your voice. Confidence comes from knowing you're not perfect, as in a response like this: "I know the Sprite or pizza is not the best choice, but I'm not perfect. I'm human and I give in sometimes." And it comes from knowing you deserve to be healthy and fit. You are not better than your friend who deserves junk food after a walk, you simply deserve something different -- to be healthy and fit. Your voice comes from your confidence and it doesn't have to be judgmental. Answer criticism with confidence, snarkiness with kindness.

    You can thank your mom for her invitation to dinner, but explain that you've already planned to make a healthy dinner at home that night. Her criticism of your choices might sting, but you have complete control over how much you take them to heart. You can always tell her, "I love you too mom, but I know what's good for me to eat, thanks anyway for the advice." If circumstances dictate that you can't leave this situation, then you'll have to find a way through it.

    Best of luck. . .
  • kimmymayhall
    kimmymayhall Posts: 419 Member
    Stop worrying so much about what other people do and think about you. I know it's easier said than done. The complaints/problems/concerns that your mom and friend have are about them, it's not really about you. Share with them the things about your life that you want them to be a part of, don't waste your time or energy on the rest if it's not going to be beneficial to anyone.
  • Fat2Fitby30
    Fat2Fitby30 Posts: 30
    While talking to my Mom the other day about how I am eating healthier and working out she said to me "yeah, you looked a little on the larger side the other day". Her saying that made me feel absolutely horrible. But you know what I did!! I used that "anger" I had from what she said and I am using it as extra motivation to make myself better. My mother is overweight as well as my older sister and they are both always complaining about how horrible they feel. I do not want to be that way!! If they say negative things to you use it as a motivator!! I have come to realize that I can't talk to my Mom about my weight loss journey. Actually there are very few people I can talk to about it. Keep your head up girl and keep up the great work!!! Don't let them get to you!!
  • lindustum
    lindustum Posts: 212 Member
    Yeah, it cold be cultural differences but I don't understand when I read suggestions like "don't talk to your mother" and etc. she gave life to the OP, she loves her as a piece of herself, it's the ancient motherly instinct.

    There is the reason why our opinions diverge. I make a different assumption about mothers. You say yourself that everyone has issues, and I could not agree more. And I know from my own experience that there are mothers who completely reject their (adult) children exactly because of their issues. The love isn't gone, but the accumulation of frustration, inability to reflect and self-reflect and blame-games can lead to such outcomes, completely contrary to your assumption of ancient motherly instincts.

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