I need someone to talk to who won't judge.

Options
chezzamanezza
chezzamanezza Posts: 48
in Chit-Chat
Hi MFP community. Firstly I would like to say that I don’t normally do this, pour my heart out to complete strangers. The trouble is, I don’t really do it to people I know either but I really need somebody to talk to who will not interfere and take matters into their own hands.

Let me begin by telling you all a bit of back ground… I am 29 and my boyfriend is 32.
I met Chris in August 2009 when I started working for the same company as him. We did not directly work together but our paths crossed on a daily basis and we became great friends. The relationship I was in at the time was not a good or a nice one and shortly after I got the guts to leave.
In October 2010, Chris left the company and we got together Bonfire Night.
We have had our ups and downs, nothing major just new relationship stuff. But we have come out of it stronger.
He moved in to my flat with me in May 2012 (He didn’t live with me, we went away to Scotland for a long bank holiday and when we got back he never left) and we moved into a place of our own in November of the same year.

Recently I have been thinking about starting a family. I have brought the subject up with Chris and I was completely honest about how I feel and so was he. He said he feels that I am always a step ahead of him in our relationship; he is scared of being a dad just in case he is not any good at it and that he wants us to buy our own house before we start a family (we rent at the moment) and I said that I am ready to be a mother but would like to do so before I am 30.

The first conversation we had, there was a plan. We would buy a house this year and start trying for a family next year. I was happy with that.
Then we had a few problems and in the second conversation, it was decided that we wouldn’t look for a house this year, we would look next year and try for a baby the year after that. Okay I am now heading toward 31.
Now after the latest conversation, it turns out due to mileage on the car, I will need a new car next year which means we wont be able to look for a house until the year after and then have a baby the year after that. I am now pushing 32.
I feel like for him something will always come up and be more important and that the time will never be right.
The feelings have now turned into an ache in my chest and a constant niggling in my head. I love it when I see my sister and nephew but go home and feel like crying. I feel sad when I see baby adverts on the television and get a sinking feeling when I see babies in the street. It’s not like I can get away from what is making me feel so low.

People I have briefly shared all this for are no help; one person told me to stop taking the contraceptive pill and flush them down the toilet daily to make it look like I am still taking them!!
I am not being that deceitful, that is not what our relationship is about. I even told him that this is what the person had said. When we have a baby, I want it will be when we are both ready and willing and happy.

But the point is, I am hurting and I am not sure what to do about it.

Replies

  • digitalbill
    digitalbill Posts: 1,410 Member
    Options
    Just break up.

    FIRST!!!!

    OK.... Just kidding.
    Here is the thing:
    Nobody is ever "ready" to have kids. There will always be something that is not absolutly perfect.
    The spare bedroom isn't big enough.
    The car is too small
    I don't make enough money.

    Somehow, the human race is able to overcome all of these problems and continue to thrive.
    If he simply doesn't want to have kids, that is one thing but, if he is just scared to have them, that will actually make him a batter Father.
    It will make him try harder to do the right thing.
    If he waits for the perfect opportunity to have a kid, you guys will never have one.
    There is a movie called "idiocracy".
    Sit down and watch it with him. It is a comedy but, the idea is what happens when good couples wait to have kids.
  • sunglasses_and_ocean_waves
    sunglasses_and_ocean_waves Posts: 2,757 Member
    Options
    I truly hate it when someone just can't be honest. It's unfair to string someone along, and I think that's where your b/f is. You're right; there will always be something. I think you guys have been together long enough that it's time to move the relationship forward. You just have to decide if it's worth it to stay with a man who may never be ready to move forward. It's a tough place to be. I'm sure. But you can[t force it.
  • Sparkle_Princess
    Sparkle_Princess Posts: 926
    Options
    digitalbill has said what I was thinking in a nutshell!!


    There is never the right time, next year next year next year, it never comes. His concerns are legitimate but so are yours and you need to sort this out together. Financially will he be supporting you while you take the time off to have a baby, is this what he is really worried about? Perhaps agree to save like crazy over the next 6 months then go from there, you need to reassure him that the whole responsibility of finances etc wont be just on him. Encourage him to take a hands on approach with your nephew. Tell him he will make a great dad etc. Stroke his ego a bit. Everyone questions their abilities especially when it comes to having a child. Its a great learning curve for anyone
  • 1KiwiChick
    1KiwiChick Posts: 479 Member
    Options
    Like the others have said, there is never a perfect time to have kids unless your in the few % that have their lives perfectly planned and it works!!! I had my first unplanned child at 18 and raised her alone. Seriously hard work but she changed my life for the better , scared i would screw up ?sure but we learn from our mistakes. I have had 3 other unplanned children( I'm very furtile and the pill doesnt like me !) with my now ex husband the only one that was planned i lost . but all my kids have brought enormous joy to my life. It has not always been easy and things always pop up that make it a challenge but thats the great part being able to overcome those challenges and succeed. How about you do a parenting course or babycare course together to give your man some insight into the ins and outs of fatherhood and help him face his fears. I understand where you personally are coming from with the ticking clock but please dont stress too much about age yet. I have been at both ends a new mum at 18 nd a new mum at 36 and both ends had pros and cons but both have brought me immense joy. I do feel you need to be certain your partner wants children and isnt stalling because of this. Try to sit down with him and have a "lay it all on the table " talk. Be honest with him as well explaining why its so important for you as well. Anyway ,good luck :flowerforyou:
  • erickirb
    erickirb Posts: 12,293 Member
    Options
    If you wait until you think you are financially ready for kids, you may never end up having them.
  • sdreed25
    sdreed25 Posts: 208 Member
    Options
    Yep agree with the others, no-one is ever 100% ready and you just have to go for it. Only thing I'd say is definitely 10000% ignore the friends advise to flush the pill or stop talking it, that so dishonest and if it ever came out that could be relationship over (I can see you've already ignored it but just thought I'd chuck my 2c in on that).
  • CassandraBurgos83
    CassandraBurgos83 Posts: 544 Member
    Options
    Has he even proposed? Are you giving yourself enough credit for who you are? Does he deserve you? Do you deserve him or better? Is he the kind of man you can see your future son growing up to be? You are young and he isn't the only man left on the planet. Put this in God's hand and pray until something happens.... Not that the something is going to be you two marrying and having a baby, but something that opens your eyes, gives you direction and peace.
  • HealthyVitamins
    HealthyVitamins Posts: 432 Member
    Options
    I don't have any valuable advice I'm afraid, although I know it sounds old fashioned, but I would suggest marriage first - if he is hesitant about that then that would set alarm bells ringing.

    Last thing you would want is he just gives in to your needs of wanting a child and then leaves you both because that's not what he wanted and felt forced into it.
  • refuseresist
    refuseresist Posts: 934 Member
    Options
    If you wait until you think you are financially ready for kids, you may never end up having them.

    This is why the human world is so fair and balanced, because people brilliantly keep having kids and luckily something always turns up to support everyone doesn't it :-) Who needs to worry about money, food and overpopulation when you can just get preggers and joy will fall out of the sky like unicorn tears.
  • workout_ninja
    workout_ninja Posts: 524 Member
    Options
    I kind of understand how you feel. My husband and I were both ready for a baby but the trouble was I couldnt get pregnant!! We tried for 6 years before finally getting IVF which worked thankfully. We now have a beautiful boy who is almost 2. I gave birth 10 days after my 30th birthday!

    I understand how you feel with all the baby adverts and friends getting pregnant so easily (I had to deal with a friend get an abortion!!)

    The only thing I can say is to talk to him again about how you feel and if he is not ready for that kind of responsiblity, then I think you have to decide which is more important to you. Baby or husband.
  • askeates
    askeates Posts: 1,490 Member
    Options
    In all honesty, I think you need to ask him the question, what does he want for the future. Is there something he isn't saying? Could it be he doesn't want children? If that is the case, then there will always be an excuse to not have the child/children that you want.

    Best of luck!
  • d2footballJRC
    d2footballJRC Posts: 2,684 Member
    Options
    I have kids, I was never ready for them. There never will be a perfect time for kids. You will always be able to rationalize a reason why not to have them. If you want kids you have to jump in and have them. You will make it work. Seriously, it's shocked me how easy it was to make it work.
  • chezzamanezza
    chezzamanezza Posts: 48
    Options
    Thank you to all who have answered :-) I needed to vent my frustrations and needed somebody to listen and even understand.
    The person I usually confide in has MEGA problems at the moment and my stupidness is not what she needs right now.
    I think I need to go home and sort this out.

    Thank you again :-)
  • shannonferrie
    shannonferrie Posts: 37
    Options
    Don't worry, it's not something stupid, and it's good to get the opinion of other people.

    I've never had a serious relationship, and I'm only 18 so I don't feel kids are for me yet, but I know from speaking to my parents and other people who are parents that it's definitely true, if you're waiting for the right time it may never happen.

    Life has a way of constantly throwing something new at you, but when you have kids, they fit into your life.

    And as for your boyfriend thinking he'll be a bad dad, it's a learning experience, no one truly knows how to do it until the time comes, you learn as you go along. People make mistakes, I spoke to my dad just the other day and he says he looks back on some stuff from when my siblings and I were growing up and he cringes, no one is ever going to be perfect, but you learn as time goes on.

    Hope you guys figure it out soon x

Categories