"I'm always gonna be a skinny woman, mama."

I was 5 when I said that. I don't ever remember saying this, but a few days back, my mom brought it up.

Well I guess I lied to myself, my five year old self. I'm not a skinny woman. I'm not even close to skinny. Why did my mom have to bring that up? I know I was only five when I said that, but I feel like I let myself down. I broke a promise I had with myself.

5 year olds say silly things. Well I for sure did. I'm not always gonna be a skinny woman, because for the past 3 years I haven't been skinny or anywhere near skinny. But that's not really my goal now. Sure thigh gaps are cool and all, but having sexy toned legs is more important than something silly like a gap between your legs or a bone popping out. I want to be strong, fit, toned, sexy, healthy, and most importantly I want to be happy with myself. That's something I haven't been in a long time.

So I'm not always gonna be a skinny woman, mama. Sorry if I've upset you mama. Sorry if I've upset you too, my little 5 year old self. But mama, I can tell you I'm not always gonna be this unhealthy and I'm not always gonna weigh this much. And Mama, I'm not always gonna be this unhappy with myself. And my god, I think that is more important than being skinny.

I'm sorry that I've let you down, 5 year old self. But I'm 19 now. My childhood years are long gone and my teenage years are almost gone. I don't play with barbies anymore. I'm not the innocent little girl I once was. I'm still a young girl, but I've grown so much and have learned so much in these past 14 years. I don't want to be skinny anymore. There are much more important things to me than being skinny. I can't believe I even ever said that. You know what 5 year old self, I didn't let you down, you have let me down.

I can tell you this, mama. I am always going to be chasing my dreams and goals, fighting to achieve them. I want to be happy with myself and with my body. I want to reach my goal weight, and be strong, not skinny. I want to get straight A's this year so I can transfer into my dream college and pursue my dreams of becoming a physical therapist and eventually opening my own business. I want to publish a book. I want to become a Zumba instructor. I want to model. I want to travel the world. I want to impact the lives of those around me. I want to live a happy and fulfilling life. And I want to have my own little 5 year old girl so I can teach her that it's okay if you're not always skinny. I want to teach her to dream big and to go after her own dreams. The sky is the limit and you're never too little to dream.

I hope you're damn proud of me, mama. And I hope you are proud of me too, 5 year old self, because although I'm not skinny, I'm smart, driven, determined, adventurous, hard-working, and a genuinely nice person.