i feel worthless

mandypxo
mandypxo Posts: 1
in Motivation and Support
I'm writing this because I don't have anyone else to turn to for support and I'm feeling desperate for some advice. Ill apologize in advice for any spelling errors. I'm writing from my phone and it has a messed up keyboard lol .. I was with my ex boyfriend for two years, we broke up and I was devistated. Complelely heart broken, it took me 8 months to move on. I started dating another guy. We met and there was a very strong connection, we clicked and it was perfect. I liked it him a lot, but there was some things about him I did not like. The fact that he is very shallow. He told me id be prettier with lighter hair, and would tell me to fix my makeup. He even told me to read the newspaper everyday to expand my mind cause apparently I'm not smart enough for him. I did tell him some of those things are hurtful and he just used the excuse that yeah he is an *kitten* but that's just him. But he also could be very sweet. He told me he loved me multiple times a day, and I do believe him because the way he talked to his family/ friends about me. He praised me to them.. so after I told him how badly he hurt my feelings after some of the things he said, he stopped. And we been pretty much perfect the last month or so. 5 days ago I really realized Im in love with this man. We always talked about our future, having kids, marriage. Etc... 4 days ago he asked me if I was with a guy he used to be friends with and at first I lied and said no, then I said yes I had a fling with his old roommate/ bestfriend 3 years ago. Well he did a complete 180 and changed. Was really rude to me and started to kind of avoid me. I broke up with him because I felt like I had no choice, hoping that it would make him realize th. He cant treat me that way. Well I begged him back and he said no. Just like that. He goes from loving me to throwing me away like I'm a peice of trash. Just like my ex boyfriend of two years, the love of my life did 10 months ago. I used to be very confident and secure. After these two breakups I feel worthless. Not smart enough, not enough to make someone happy. I'm so insecure about myself. And I'm heart broken all over again except the wound feels bigger because I didn't fully heal myself the first time. So I'm back with a huge hole in my heart and the pain is so hard to deal with. My friends tell me I'm smart, talented, beautiful etc but I don't believe them. They're saying this because they have to. That's what friends are suppose to say. I been thinking about killing myself just because I'm not good enough. Im 24, I live at home with my parents, I lost my car, i rarely work so I'm broke. And Im not loveable enough for someone to stay with me. I know I sound pathetic because that's exactly how I feel. Only good thing is I'm starting school next month to get a career. I just had to get this out. If anyone has words of advice, similar stories.. anything would help

Replies

  • Mona95z
    Mona95z Posts: 3 Member
    I don't have a similar story and maybe I won't be compeletly honest if I said I understand how you feel. I'm sure its really hard to be left by someone that you love,but you have to see beyond this and what's happened to you..have some goals in your life that is just for you and about you and you have no idea how great they feel once you achive them,the rigt guy will eventually come,don't hang in to one or two,get over what's passed and have new things and goals in your life,like the school you're going to,and anything you like and never went after. Once you achive your goals and be in a place in life where you want to be, you'll have so much confidence and you'll be happy and you'll find the right one more easily ..I hope you can heal from this, you have a whole life a head of you..
  • kittiesandfarts
    kittiesandfarts Posts: 101 Member
    Girl, I have been in that bad relationship with the *kitten* you just described. And trust me... THANK GOD it's over. Praise whatever diety you believe in, for blessing you enough to have him toss you. You do not want to be with a guy like that. He emotionally abused you. You feel pathetic and sad because of how he treated you. You're not actually pathetic/stupid/ugly, HE just made you feel that way. From your profile pic I can tell you are amazingly beautiful. You deserve someone soooo much better than that jerk. Take a break and remember how much you love yourself. Focus on you, your schooling, MFP, whatever you like to do. And this is the 21st century, he shouldn't have issues with your sexual history. We women have been liberated. That guy needs to screw right off!
  • andthevolcano
    andthevolcano Posts: 3 Member
    There is nothing wrong with a 24 year old who’s broke, living with their parents, and has suffered through some harsh break-ups. That’s reality for most people.

    Focus on your goals, focus on healing, focus on yourself.

    Your friends are saying positive things because they believe them. That’s why they’re your friends in the first place. Because they see all those things in you.

    You’ll likely date a few more *kitten* before you find the ‘one’. Someone who loves you exactly as you are. It takes time to find that person. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it. Be glad those other relationships are over; they were unhealthy and not right for you.

    Learn from your experiences and you'll be a stronger person for it. Taking your life is never the answer.
  • HelenTheZ
    HelenTheZ Posts: 42 Member
    Those men were abusers, and you are NOT worthless. Do you have insurance/can you get counseling? Or, can you find a "Co-dependents Anonymous (CODA)" group that's just for women? I am not a big 12- step proponent, but CODA has helped me SO much.

    You know deep down that you are worth a great deal, but that voice has been so lost to you. You are in there! Try to be kind to yourself. I try to stop my bad thoughts about myself by asking myself: "Would you say that to a friend? No? Then don't say it to yourself!"

    Hugs if you want them,

    Helen Z

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