Tough Situation

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Raychel_xoxo
Raychel_xoxo Posts: 51
in Health and Weight Loss
So, I am still aiming to lose more weight right now...24.8 pounds to be exact =)

But, when I was about 10 pounds less than what I am currently (this was several months ago), one or two of my friends made comments quite often. They knew I was trying to eat healthy and eat less, but they would make comments about my small amount of food, or that my thighs were too tiny and I didn't need to diet and whatever.
One drunk night this past summer, one of them kept calling me out on it in front of other friends. And although she is very tiny, she said I made her feel bad about herself. That sitting next to me in class, my thighs looked smaller, and my clothes were just hanging off of me and she felt weird. She said she is going to be watching me. And I can tell I get weird looks from her when instead of snacking on candy like everyone else, I pull out my grapes and such.

I guess I'm just frustrated and a bit nervous. When I diet, I don't want it broadcasted, and I don't want ppl watching me like a hawk. I monitor my BMI constantly when I diet, so even when I was 10 pounds less before, I was nowhere near being underweight or unhealthy or anything.

I just wish she'd leave me alone to be honest. It almost makes me want to push her away so I don't have to deal with the attention. I know she means well...but idk, it makes me feel really paranoid and on edge that she's going to call me out in front of ppl again. But I definately don't want to bring it up to her and address it, because then she'll definately know she hit a sour spot, and she'll become even more concerned.

Can anybody relate to this at all? Sigh...idk. =/

Replies

  • Steelytop
    Steelytop Posts: 145 Member
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    She's not your friend. That's not how friends treat each other. We support one another.
  • BunnyDVP
    BunnyDVP Posts: 71 Member
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    I don't have anyone specfic who comments about my weight loss but I do have several people who I attend church with who tell me each week that I don't need to lose any more weight. I just smile and tell them that I still have "X" number of pounds to lose and that according to the charts I will still be considered overweight when I lose that amount.

    I would not confront that person but I would just smile and say how much healthier you feel and that you will buy new clothes when the need is there.

    Some people just can't deal with others fortune.


    Best of luck and don't let anyone try to stop you from having a healthy lifestye.
  • rachelblank427
    rachelblank427 Posts: 180 Member
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    She's not your friend. That's not how friends treat each other. We support one another.

    Agreed.
  • Raychel_xoxo
    Raychel_xoxo Posts: 51
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    She's not your friend. That's not how friends treat each other. We support one another.

    Agreed.

    I think part of it is just concern. Outside of this she is a great friend. But idk.. =/
  • mykaar74
    mykaar74 Posts: 253
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    congrats on your new healthy lifestyle, and unfortunately sometimes we have to distance ourselves from negative people. However, I understand not wanting conflict but if this young lady is a true friend there should be no problem if you pull her to the side and let her know that what she does is embarassing to you. As a friend she will respect that and try to change those traits about herself. The fact that she says you make her feel bigger means that she could possibly have some personal issues with herself, and seeing you eat right, and live healthy forces her to face those issues head on.

    A friend will support you in your efforts, so if she can't be supportive, then maybe you should rethink that friendship. I wish you all the best on the rest of your journey. And sometimes people may not realize what they are doing, or that it's hurtful so I recommend pulling her to the side. Best Wishes
  • boogie17
    boogie17 Posts: 103 Member
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    She's not your friend, if she is being like that to you.
  • eabrown1
    eabrown1 Posts: 25
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    She might be truly concerned about you and that is a good feeling, however, from this aspect quite annoying. Discuss your weightloss with your doctor and be under his or her guidence, then in complete truthfulness you can tell your friend you appreciate her conern but this diet and exercise and target weight are what you and your doctor have deemed appropriate for you and that it is your doctor's job, not hers, to monitor your health.....but of course, you appreciate her friendship.
  • valeriebpdx
    valeriebpdx Posts: 499 Member
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    Yeah, I don't actually think she means well. She is not saying that she is scared for your health. She wants to be thinner than you, and she wants to do it the easy way (you staying heavier, rather than her getting thinner ... not that some game of weight-loss chicken is where you want to be at all). If it were my friend, I would tell her that I love her and am not competing with her, and that I'm just not going to do this anymore, meaning tolerate any comments on what I eat and such, and if she can't shut her mouth or be supportive then we're not going to hang out for a while. If you are not willing to call her out on this bull****, then you have few choices but to ignore her comments and carry on. It is a tough situation and I hope you can see your way clear to keep doing what is best for you. Good luck!
    p.s. You say you keep an eye on your BMI and I see you are a nursing student (me too), so no doubt you know what is healthy. But if you are any taller than 5'3" or 5'4", then 109 is pretty damn low and I might view her comments in a different light.
  • EDesq
    EDesq Posts: 1,527 Member
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    I think people can be jealous of something as simple as weight loss, however, I also think that people can become concerned if they perceive that a friend may be hurting themself or going into bad habits. Someone who is or has been obese, then begin to lose weight are familiar with those jealous "friends" - people who want to keep the "fat" friend or keep the person in a "box." But sometimes a friend can be genuinely concerned if they notice that a healthy, slim person is constantly "dieting" or doing extreme exercising. After all eating disorders happen over time, and most people with those disorders do NOT have an accurate self picture...they think they are "fat" when they are actually slim or skinny. I think it is all about how a "friend" approaches the person they are concerned about. I don't think calling someone "out" publicly is a kind or friendly thing to do, if a friend has a concern about another friend's health or any concerns, they usually do it in Private...unless and until an Intervention is needed.
  • iamdesiderata
    iamdesiderata Posts: 95 Member
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    I completely understand where you're coming from. I have always been at the higher end of "normal" weight, but recently decided to start changing my eating habits, great example, while everyone is snacking on fries, i pull out an apple. There are so many situations like this, that not just my friends, but my family has started to make comments about how thin i am, or whether or not i am anorexic, CRAZY assumptions, and frankly, it's getting on my nerves as well.

    It's as if EATING RIGHT is AUTOMATICALLY considered DIETING. that people think that if someone decides to change their lifestyle for the better, they're crazy and not normal. Well if normal is unhealthy, then i guess i am an outcast.

    And when people make those rude comments, whether they're drunk or not, is either jealousy or fear being disguised as "you're too thin, it makes me feel bad...". Because of so many anorexic, bulimic, eating disorder cases today, people do get worried. But that doesnt mean that eating an apple in place of fries means you have an eating disorder. On the other hand, putting you down for making the right/correct decision when she made a wrong decision, is just another way for her to feel better about herself, to call you "too thin" and "unhealthy", so it seems that YOU have the problem and not her, even when it's the other way around.

    To remedy this, you should confront these friends of yours and tell them how important eating right is to you, how its not a diet, but a lifestyle. and sometimes a symptom of being healthy is losing (and/or gaining) excess body fat, that's just the way it is. You should also start to surround yourself with people who appreciate who you are and your choices in life, not make you feel bad about them.

    This is something that we all go through, one way or another. It's another challenge to overcome, but will just make you that much stronger in the end, and will show you who your true friends are ;)

    Good luck! My Fitness Pals will always be here for you!
  • dogdaze
    dogdaze Posts: 110 Member
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    She might be truly concerned about you and that is a good feeling, however, from this aspect quite annoying. Discuss your weightloss with your doctor and be under his or her guidence, then in complete truthfulness you can tell your friend you appreciate her concern but this diet and exercise and target weight are what you and your doctor have deemed appropriate for you and that it is your doctor's job, not hers, to monitor your health.....but of course, you appreciate her friendship.

    Good advice.

    It may be concern but honestly, she has a funny way of showing it You might be closer to the mark when you said she told you that you are making her feel bad about herself.
  • Steelytop
    Steelytop Posts: 145 Member
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    I hope it works out for the best and a little talk solves all. That would be ideal. According to the BMI calculator I'm supposed to be between 125.3 and 169.3 lbs. My goal is 165. I can't imagine being any skinnier than that. But I'm not there yet. But I'm just saying there is a range for a reason I'm hoping. How accurate is it? My height is listed so I'm not really sure what to make of it other than to assume it's correct.
  • reneelee
    reneelee Posts: 877 Member
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    there should be no problem if you pull her to the side and let her know that what she does is embarassing to you.

    Good advice and you would be giving her much more respect than she gave to you.
  • mlagena
    mlagena Posts: 154 Member
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    I know she means well...
    I don't think she does. Unless I missed something in your post... In my opinion it sounds like everything she's doing is self serving. She berated you until you gained your weight back to make HER feel better. I have 'friends' like that. Tell her that you don't appreciate her attitude and that, while you know she loves you, you know what you're doing - that you don't need to be "watched." Also, maybe later on, if she feels that you've lost too much weight for YOUR HEALTH (not because she "feels weird" about it) then you would appreciate the concern. Otherwise, you just have to ignore her and go on.
    And although she is very tiny, she said I made her feel bad about herself.
    That's the issue, right there. A lot of people place too much importance on physical appearance. If this girl has always been smaller than you then, in my opinion, she may have some sort of symbiotic relationship with you. You allow her to feel good about herself by ensuring that she always looks small and therefore she's happy and a good friend to you.
    It sounds like she have some self-esteem issues that need to be addressed before your friendship can prosper.

    Good luck!
  • Raychel_xoxo
    Raychel_xoxo Posts: 51
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    Thank you everyone for your replies, they are definately appreciated and I read each and every one.

    I agree with a lot of comments, disagree with some, and there are a few I think I really need to thin about and re-consider.

    To answer a previous post, I am only 5'2, so my goal weight is within my normal range. I know it seems so low cause you automatically assume I'm average height without me saying anything, but i'm just a shorty =)

    I think the most frustrating part is that when she called me out, she was like "omg all you would eat for lunch was pineapple or something! and you told us you were just going to eat at work or whatever, but you had us all so fooled, you were never planning on eating were you?". I tried several times to explain that I would be stricter with my calories throughout the day, but always rewarded myself with a really nice dinner. Me and my mom were dieting at the same time last winter and would make dinner together quite often. But she seeemd to not believe me, taking it as another "excuse". I wish so badly I could be like SEE-I DO EAT NORMAL DINNERS! So she would stop worrying. I'm not going to lie, I don't always have the healthiest habits, and some days are worse than others, but I don't need her to make me feel guilty that occasional day I don't eat much or whatever.

    She does have some self-perception issues, and consequently she's very small (about 4 inches taller than me and weighs 12ish pounds less). However, I do have to disagere that she is the reason I gained any of my weight back this summer. That was completely on me giving in to all the bbq and alcohol opportunities I had this summer. I didn't see her much this summer without being in school anymore.

    I truely do want to take what she's saying as concern. I think she's just coming out with it all wrong. I don't think she is actively trying to make me self-destruct. But, I could very well be totally wrong.

    I'm not sure if I have the confidence to bring it up with her and face her on that topic right now. But I think that's a good idea to bring it up with my doctor next time I see her. So if anything does get brought up again in front of anyone, I can make it known to the other girls that I AM in fact being healthy, contrary to what it may appear to be or what she says.
  • HIzara
    HIzara Posts: 187
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    Agreed. Friends support each other. She's not your friend. I don't hang out w/ people who put me down. Neither should you. :flowerforyou:

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