Always gaining or losing weight, wishing for a happy medium!

Up until recently, my weight has always fluctuated between about 135-160 lbs. I'd gradually gain 15-25 lbs, usually in winter, and once the scale hit 160ish it would be a wake-up call for me and I'd start exercising a bunch and being careful to eat healthy, and the weight would come off again. Eventually I'd get complacent, stop paying so much attention, and inevitably the pounds would creep back on.

A while back I decided to conduct an experiment and see what would happen if I stopped caring about my weight. I figured I'd probably gain for a while, and eventually level off at some stable weight (significantly higher than the 135 lbs I used to always strive for, but at least not continuing to gain).

Well, I just hit 200 lbs. My weight keeps going up and up as long as I keep ignoring it. Over the past year I've had to keep buying bigger and bigger size clothing. I used to wear size 6 and now I'm bursting out of the size 16 pants I got a couple months ago.

So I've had to accept the unfortunate findings of my experiment: in order to maintain a reasonably healthy weight, I will *always* have to be actively managing my weight. As much as I hate counting calories, recording everything I eat, weighing myself every week, etc., it seems that if I don't do these things then I will just keep gaining and gaining indefinitely.

I've let go of pretty much all of the emotional and self esteem issues I used to have regarding my weight. I no longer feel like I *need* to be a certain size. I'm still happy with my life and myself, even if there is a LOT more of me these days! But I don't want to keep expanding indefinitely. Considering my extremely strong family history of diabetes (my mom, dad, and brother all have it) I know I'm really increasing my already high risk of diabetes, not to mention increasing my risk of many other health issues.

So now I'm officially ending my "ignoring my weight" experiment, and going back into weight-loss mode. My initial reaction is to be annoyed and frustrated that I have to do this, that I can't just let my weight sort itself out on its own while I focus on all the much more interesting and fun things in my life. But I know that a positive attitude is a huge ingredient in success, so I need to reframe the situation: I'm taking charge of my health and and giving my body the attention it needs and deserves in order to thrive.

And that's my story! My stats: female, 32 years old, 5'4", starting weight 200 lbs. Aiming to lose about 50 lbs, and more importantly, to eventually maintain a stable, healthy weight and get off the roller coaster!