I feel lost yet good but where to begin again?

Yasmine91
Yasmine91 Posts: 599 Member
edited September 21 in Motivation and Support
Oooh boy what a week.

Ok, not good at all, food wise and family wise. All bad!

Secrets, suppressed emotions and feelings have blown up onto the surface. And a really bad habit of mine has been found out. Me and my family have become more broken than before but this time, things have been resolved. Well, sort of.

I am not proud of what I'm about to say but, I do feel a little more comfortable to talk about it. If there is anyone else who has gone through the same, is still going through, I hope I can show that there is hope. I am not seeking attention, I just really need advice and I find that I can talk to strangers more than people I'm close to.

My parents recently found out that I self harm, I have been doing it for a few years because I couldn't bare the thought of living a life of fear, fear of God and fear of my parents. I feel oppressed by the Islamic laws, the rules of the 'Obedient Woman' I just couldn't take it. There are many other reasons why I do it but, I wont get into that. Now that I have told my dad how I feel, I hope that I will be able to stop completely.

My mother now hates me, I have told her that I am not a muslim, she is a proud muslim but I couldn't bare to carry on being what she wanted me to be. My father understands but it's my mother whom I want to get to understand, but it seems like I never will. My father has now told me that I am free to make my own decisions. Life is finally mine to control.

As for my eating, it's gone out the window! I have gained so much weight this week it's crazy. And my wound that I inflicted on myself has stopped me from moving too much so I can't go to the gym for a while let alone move. But of course, I have myself to blame for this. But I just don't know what to do. Despite having things change for my life, I still feel bad for something and I feel so drained that I don't know what to do now. I don't know why I can't stop eating now, Im just picking. I start off fine but then it gets bad. Maybe it's because Im at home bored not being able to move around.

Just thought I would get some advice on what I should do. Thanks.

Replies

  • Melis25Fit
    Melis25Fit Posts: 811 Member
    I would suggest to get couseling... No good is going to come from hurting yourself...
  • gambitsgurl
    gambitsgurl Posts: 632 Member
    You really need, REALLY need, to go talk to a professional. This isn't going to resolve itself. People harm themselves because it's what they feel they can control. People also overeat as something within themselves they can "control". It seems opposite that you seem to feel "out of control" when you eat but you are using it as a temporary salve for your hurt soul. By taking a stand against your mother (and religion you were raised in) you have made a grasp for control but the fact you've harmed yourself again tells me you don't feel you can do it. Please, go talk to someone about how you can reach out to yourself and guide yourself. Take REAL control of yourself and reach for heath rather than pain and food.
  • Natalie7227
    Natalie7227 Posts: 39
    I don't know if I can help you with the self inflicted pain you are putting yourself through but I will definately pray for you and your family. When I was 27 I had told my Father that I was Christian instead of staying Roman Catholic so I can feel for you making that brave change that your parents have instilled into you. My Dad was very hurt and my grandparents were not too happy with it either but over the years they finally have learned that it is my life and not theirs. So Great Job on making that big step to control your own life, now it is time to be who you really are.

    Eating- I have been struggling as well and just began plugging them into to this program today so maybe we can help out each other make better choices. Everytime you eat something put it in because then you tend to think about it more than not jotting it down or adding it into the program.

    I hope this helps you a little!

    God Bless,
    Natalie
  • mrscates
    mrscates Posts: 559 Member
    I can't give much advise since I haven't been through this or am not there to hear and see what goes on in your life. As for harm to yourself, I understand why people do it. Have I done it? NO. Have I thought about it? YES. I had PPD (Post Pardum Depression) after I had my son(19 months ago). I would lay awake and cry, cry for hours. I was a 'closet cryer'. I would pretend to be happy, when I was sad. I would pretend to not care what others thought about me, when in fact it KILLED me to even think they thought ugly things towards me.

    My biggest issue was only weight. So I can't imagine how you feel, but do know that professional help is needed. I called my Doctor on my own and asked for medication. I did this because I was STRONG. Asking for help doesn't mean you're weak, it means you understand you have a problem and are willing to seek help the correct way. Doing bodly harm is a way to create pain so you do not feel the pain that really bothers you. I haven't had counseling, this is just something I understood from being so depressed.

    PLEASE seek help before it's to late. You can do this. Just call a doctor and tell them what is going on. They HAVE to help.

    Good Luck!
  • lotusfromthemud
    lotusfromthemud Posts: 5,335 Member
    Find some support! There are groups for women who self-harm. A quick google search may lead you to one in your area. There, you will learn you are not alone.

    If at all possible, please seek professional counseling. You are dealing with an awful lot, and no one (no matter how strong) could deal with it all alone.

    My heart goes to you. Honesty is a difficult thing.

    Most of all, find a way to be gentle with yourself. Go for a walk, read a book, talk to a friend, have a lovely cup of something hot. Treat yourself as well as you possibly can.
  • annabellj
    annabellj Posts: 1,337 Member
    definitely seek out counseling. there are site on the web that you can get to for help, I dont know about cutting specifically but even if you dont have money for counseling, you should be able to find someone to talk to. One step at a time needs to be dealt with. First, be proud of yourself that you had the courage to tell your parents. You have to do what is right for you, not anyone else. I will be praying for you also. Get help with the cutting, keep checking in on mfp, but dont worry so much about your weight right now as you have bigger things to worry about.
  • jazznjagg
    jazznjagg Posts: 9
    Hello,
    You said the perfect words, your life is YOURS to live. I believe first off, you should start with one challenge at a time. Before you can deal with people around you, you have to deal with the person in the mirror. Is that going to be easy, no. Please write down each personal challenge and what you want your end result to be. Start with the end in mind. Before you can make anyone else happy, you have to make yourself happy. I don't have any experience with self harm, but I do believe it is deep rooted and must be dealt with asap. I suggest joining a support group and seeking help as well. If I can be of assistance in any way to assist you in reaching your goal of self improvement, please reach out. I believe admittance is the first step, and my hat is off to you for reaching out for help.
  • needtoloseweight25
    needtoloseweight25 Posts: 32
    I have been to therapy myself for mnay years off and on. I am also training to become a therapist myself. I do understand what u are going through, but as u know cutting yourself is a poor coping skill. However, I am glad you realize this and am brave enough to be able mention this on a blog. It shows that you are self-aware and this is a step in the healing process. I have never been a cutter, but I know why people do it and I think it is best for u to see a therapist to work through your issues and find a coping skill that is positive and won't cause you harm. My parents are strict like yours when it comes to religion, but it is your life and at the end of the day you must do what is best for u. Take care yourself and your needs first.
  • Douniap
    Douniap Posts: 841
    Dear Jasmine
    I feel for you and before anything, here is a big hug for you.
    You are a wonderful and brave person to recognize that there is a problem. My advise to you is to seek out professional help as they would have more tools to guide you deeper into identifying and resolving the causes of your pain.
    Be gentle to yourself and don't harm yourself.
    As to the issues with your mom and her religion, i would say that you should just give it time. Just focus on healing yourself and you are on the right track by talking openly about it. Your mom will come around eventually when the time is right for both of you.
    As for the weight, once you resolve the issues that are holding you back, you will feel lighter and the weight will come off..
    Just be true to yourself and please see out professional help.
    Much love
    Dounia
  • Yasmine91
    Yasmine91 Posts: 599 Member
    Thank you so much everyone for your support.

    The mental health centre have contacted me, I don't know how they will help but I'll give it a go.

    Again thanks so much *hugs*
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