Relationship Advice? Needed, please? :)
banananoir
Posts: 4
in Chit-Chat
Okay, so this is a long one ... and sorry in advance for any subsequent typos ...
I broke up with my BF back in May .. it was amicable, no hard feelings, it just turned out we weren't compatible ... we had fun together, just couldn't live together, and because both of us wanted the whole "family thing", it just wasn't going to work ... we're still frieds though, and still share friends ... anyway ... one of the friends we shared whom I had talked to as "just friends" about music and movies (we have really odd ball tastes for our generation, like big band and swing ... so it was nice to have a friend that actually enjoyed that stuff instead of just going along with it because they were my friend) ... well said male friend strated contacting me more frequently after the break up (about 3 weeks after) ... at first I didn't think anyrhing of it ... but then he started asking, not really weird things, but stuff out of the ordinary from what we usually talked about ... BTW I am a personal trainer, a fact that is important for the story ...
Anyway, he started asking me if I would be interested in taking him on as a client, and I genuinely said I could, but based on his medical history I would need a doctors okay to do so (even though he is only a few years older than me, he had some serious medical issues, and I just wanted the okay ...) ... He said cool, that he hafd a physical coming up in a month anyway and he could wait 'til then ... cut to a month later (after several really badly disguised as "just wanting to be friends" texts and messages) I got the vrdict on training, and it was that he had to go to physical therapy first ... Then about a few weeks later he came right out and said he wanted to date me ... okay ...
So at this point I'm thinking I'm being screwed with ... I come out and ask my ex if he knows anything about this (even though, my gut told me. and after three + years together, that he didn't, since he wouldn't F with someone like that because a he didn't have the heart, and B he's pretty much the laziest person I know, lol .. and wouldn't put forth that kind of effort) ... and he said what I expected him to say, no he genuinely had no idea what was going on ... Since he sucks at lying, and has some pretty obious "tells", I knew he was being truthful ...
So anyway, the friend in question keeps making plans with me, sets dates and times, says he'll stop by ... and never shows, not a word or acknowledgment ... and me stupid people pleasing pushover virgo ... just thinks oh well, goes back to her own life and when contacted again, responds, agrees to a date and is once again stood up ... I want to be nice, and I have a hard time telling people no ... to be honest I don't think I've ever burned a bridge in my life, and I don't really have enemies ... I stay on good terms with people no matter what ... that's how I was raised, my mom is the EXACT same way ...
I can't firgure out what this guy is getting out of doing this, it's not really bothering me emotionally, just bothering me because I'm a very science-minded individual and just want to know WHY!? LoL ... I would have given him a chance, and I would have attempted to date him ... I wouldn't have thought of it, didn't ... that is, not until he contacted me ...
As an aside, he has recently (with in the past year and a half) lost about 70 or so lbs (before he started contacting me), and having lost weight myself in the past (not that much), I know how having been overweight or having not the best body image can effect the way you feel about yourself among other things ...
Bottom line is, Why the heck are you telling me how pretty you think I am, how much we have in common, that you want to date me, but every time you make a date, you go MIA? ... I honestly can't figure out what he's getting out of this? ... We're just talking, that's it ... there's really nothing more going one, so I can't figure it out ... Oh, and he totally stalks my FB photos ...
Give me answers, lol!
I broke up with my BF back in May .. it was amicable, no hard feelings, it just turned out we weren't compatible ... we had fun together, just couldn't live together, and because both of us wanted the whole "family thing", it just wasn't going to work ... we're still frieds though, and still share friends ... anyway ... one of the friends we shared whom I had talked to as "just friends" about music and movies (we have really odd ball tastes for our generation, like big band and swing ... so it was nice to have a friend that actually enjoyed that stuff instead of just going along with it because they were my friend) ... well said male friend strated contacting me more frequently after the break up (about 3 weeks after) ... at first I didn't think anyrhing of it ... but then he started asking, not really weird things, but stuff out of the ordinary from what we usually talked about ... BTW I am a personal trainer, a fact that is important for the story ...
Anyway, he started asking me if I would be interested in taking him on as a client, and I genuinely said I could, but based on his medical history I would need a doctors okay to do so (even though he is only a few years older than me, he had some serious medical issues, and I just wanted the okay ...) ... He said cool, that he hafd a physical coming up in a month anyway and he could wait 'til then ... cut to a month later (after several really badly disguised as "just wanting to be friends" texts and messages) I got the vrdict on training, and it was that he had to go to physical therapy first ... Then about a few weeks later he came right out and said he wanted to date me ... okay ...
So at this point I'm thinking I'm being screwed with ... I come out and ask my ex if he knows anything about this (even though, my gut told me. and after three + years together, that he didn't, since he wouldn't F with someone like that because a he didn't have the heart, and B he's pretty much the laziest person I know, lol .. and wouldn't put forth that kind of effort) ... and he said what I expected him to say, no he genuinely had no idea what was going on ... Since he sucks at lying, and has some pretty obious "tells", I knew he was being truthful ...
So anyway, the friend in question keeps making plans with me, sets dates and times, says he'll stop by ... and never shows, not a word or acknowledgment ... and me stupid people pleasing pushover virgo ... just thinks oh well, goes back to her own life and when contacted again, responds, agrees to a date and is once again stood up ... I want to be nice, and I have a hard time telling people no ... to be honest I don't think I've ever burned a bridge in my life, and I don't really have enemies ... I stay on good terms with people no matter what ... that's how I was raised, my mom is the EXACT same way ...
I can't firgure out what this guy is getting out of doing this, it's not really bothering me emotionally, just bothering me because I'm a very science-minded individual and just want to know WHY!? LoL ... I would have given him a chance, and I would have attempted to date him ... I wouldn't have thought of it, didn't ... that is, not until he contacted me ...
As an aside, he has recently (with in the past year and a half) lost about 70 or so lbs (before he started contacting me), and having lost weight myself in the past (not that much), I know how having been overweight or having not the best body image can effect the way you feel about yourself among other things ...
Bottom line is, Why the heck are you telling me how pretty you think I am, how much we have in common, that you want to date me, but every time you make a date, you go MIA? ... I honestly can't figure out what he's getting out of this? ... We're just talking, that's it ... there's really nothing more going one, so I can't figure it out ... Oh, and he totally stalks my FB photos ...
Give me answers, lol!
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Replies
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I'm terribly sorry he is doing this to you. I've experienced very similar situation ..
some men are really game players. He might have several irons in the fire.
Guard your heart if you feel any type of emotions for him. I hope you might meet
a much better guy!!0 -
you need to read what you just wrote. For myself, stand me once-better have a good reason.Stand me up and second time and I am done.0
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Thanks ... I do have my heart guarded .. at this point I'm just playing it out, out of sheer morbid curiosity ... I was more looking for a why would someone feel the need to waste their time doing this? ...0
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I'm a very confident person, and not to be narcissistic, but I'd say rather pretty as well, and fit ... (I don't really like to post photos on these kind of forums, you know, I don't what people I know, or may end up knowing to find me lol ... as I do recommend this site to my training clients ...) ...0
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Sadly it is a deviant man who will
derive pleasure from this but there
are such men out there.0 -
As a "people-pleasing Virgo" I get it. But honestly, if a guy really wants to see you he will move heaven and earth to do so. Setting up dates and not showing is not excusable. If you feel something is off, it is. Be good to you and go with your gut. You do not owe him anything0
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Why don't you ask him? I mean absolutely, no beating around the bush, drop the tactful flat out ask him. "So, you say this and this, we've planned to do this, this and this and you haven't shown, yet you keep texting, what gives? because whether we are "Dating" or just friends - it's a crappy thing to do. Explain."0
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Maybe he's nervous or scared? Anyways, I think you should just tell him to leave you alone for the time being, until he's comfortable enough with himself to follow through.0
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As a "people-pleasing Virgo" I get it. But honestly, if a guy really wants to see you he will move heaven and earth to do so. Setting up dates and not showing is not excusable. If you feel something is off, it is. Be good to you and go with your gut. You do not owe him anything
Agree with this .. sage advice.0 -
Thanks again everyone! ... I'm just going to not respond for awhile ... I'm not to good at the "flat out, non tactful" thing ... Going with my gut: My GUT tells me that he may be scared ... A. he is friends with my ex too (doesn't want to step on toes) ... B. he used to be 200+ Lbs and he's only 5'4 tops ... (I'm only 5'2, and I tend to date 5'7 and und ... they make better dance partners, lol ...) ... C. He loves Bette Davis movies and Big Band music ... and collects records (all things I do/like ... and yes, he liked and did these things WAY before I ever knew him ... and no he's not gay), and I know all to well that sometimes liking out of the ordinary things that the rest of your generation really has no particular interest in can be a bit rough ... anyway ... like I said, I'm going to leave it be and not respond for a while, but I know what my gut tells me and I can't ignore that ... I really needed to ask this anonymously, and you've all been very helpful ... THANKS!
Hey, I'm going to bookmark this, and if I do find my answer or we do end up going out or whatever, I'll update ...0
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