eating disorder

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pixeltune
pixeltune Posts: 4
in Motivation and Support
Hi all, this is my first post on this website, so I hope I do everything right!
I've recently started my weight loss journey. I've tried many times before but have given up quickly. I do have an eating disorder, and when I was really bad I thought 500 calories a day was quite a bit...now I'm eating a healthy amount of calories (around 1,200) and I'm struggling with it. I feel so guilty about eating, but I have a very small support system at home that makes it a little easier, but I'm still struggling with how to not feel like crying whenever I eat. When I don't work out, I feel awful, even if it is just to rest my muscles.
I was just wondering if anyone else here has an eating disorder and how you cope with it? Or even if you don't, kind words are always welcome.

Replies

  • mpetrovic
    mpetrovic Posts: 14 Member
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    Hi! First of all, congratulations on being so open about this. Secondly, I can imagine how hard it is on you. I've seen two best friends go through eating disorders, and it's hard, but not impossible. Friend me if you need support! Remember, you're lifestyle is a relationship with yourself--like any relationship--boyfriend, girlfriend, mom, grandpa--it takes work, communication and patience. You have to make an effort, you have to communicate with yourself--"yes, I can do this" "yes, I am tired, I am hungry, I feel sad". It take patience and forgiveness. Don't feel alone because you're not alone!!!
    Friend me!!!!!
  • monicaP413
    monicaP413 Posts: 165
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    It's great that you are so open about it! Diseases like that love to be kept a secret and keep you sick. I have had all the eating disorders and am quite familiar with how difficult they are. They might be one of the toughest things I have ever had to deal with. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but as long as you stay open and honest to friends and family, it will get better. When I would hide my disorders, I would go deeper into them. They would consume me completely. I would wake up and think about how long it was until I could eat, what I would eat, where I would eat, was I able to get home within 20 minutes after eating, how many calories was my meal. The obsession never stopped. I had to just take it one meal, one hour, or sometimes one minute at a time. I won't promise it will be easy, because it isn't, but it is so worth it. I don't have that total obsession about food anymore.

    I would suggest giving yourself reasonable goals. Working out 3+ times a week for 30 minutes. (If you do more, great, you're a superstar!) Eating 1200 calories a day and giving yourself a cheat day once a week. Maybe you want to eat cake and ice-cream, or maybe you don't want to eat much of anything one day. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, especially when you are trying to pull yourself out of something like that. If you screw up, it's ok, we all do. Don't beat yourself up. The problem we have with eating disorders is our mind is so focused on food and we can't shut it up. The best thing I have learned about guilt and screwing up with food is to just start over right where I am. I tell myself one screw up or one meal isn't going to change my weight, it's the ongoing behavior that does.

    I hope that you continue to be good and speak good to yourself, because it's just your head talking you into thinking you're not good enough, which is obviously a lie. You are good enough, you are worth it and you don't deserve to have your life run by this obsession/disease.

    I have an ear if you need one and I will never judge.
  • pixeltune
    pixeltune Posts: 4
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    Thanks, both of you! I binged today and I feel so awful about it, but I'm really trying not to...it's just one day. But it's so hard!
  • leslisa
    leslisa Posts: 1,350 Member
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    Been there. Done that. Had the heart attack to prove it (at age 35). I have one word. Diary. Don't know if it will work for you but it sure as anything helped me.

    Start keeping a diary but don't read it. Write everything down and get it out of your head. It helps you let go. Reading about your disappointments makes you feel like a loser. I don't keep a diary anymore but I had to for years. When I finished with one, I burned it and started another. Very liberating watching one chapter in your life close and another begin.

    Also, see if you can understand why you are as you are. For me it was a control thing.

    And finally, it's been proven eating disorders such as yours effect the very high IQ folks more than lower IQ folks. Research indicates this could be because we tend to take things too seriously and have less of a sense of humor (I didn't say none - I said less - took me a while to figure that one out). We also tend to remember things forever and over-analyze.

    Don't get me wrong. I still run - a lot. But I'm happy, healthier, and on the track to live a lot longer. My high weight is from after I had surgery and I don't let my current weight bother me so much.

    Best of luck to you.
  • soupandcookies
    soupandcookies Posts: 212 Member
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    Are you sure this is a time to be counting calories? I mean, if you are being totally honest with yourself, is weight loss going to make all this better? "Dieting" and trying to lose weight, when you are still active in your eating disorder, often backfires. Are you seeing someone, to help you with recovery? Also, do you really have weight to lose? There's a fine line between healthy eating and obsession over counting calories and overexercising. Be gentle with yourself. Work on getting mentally healthy and loving your beautiful self.
  • pixeltune
    pixeltune Posts: 4
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    Yeah, I think counting calories has actually helped, and it sounds weird, I know. I used to count calories and not exersize, and my highest amount would be 500 a day. Now I make sure I don't over eat, you know, I only have a serving size or two of something. I do think weight loss will make me feel better about myself, it's just a little harder for me cause of this. But I'm doing my best to be healthy!
  • rachaelko
    rachaelko Posts: 17 Member
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    It's great that you are so open about it! Diseases like that love to be kept a secret and keep you sick. I have had all the eating disorders and am quite familiar with how difficult they are. They might be one of the toughest things I have ever had to deal with. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but as long as you stay open and honest to friends and family, it will get better. When I would hide my disorders, I would go deeper into them. They would consume me completely. I would wake up and think about how long it was until I could eat, what I would eat, where I would eat, was I able to get home within 20 minutes after eating, how many calories was my meal. The obsession never stopped. I had to just take it one meal, one hour, or sometimes one minute at a time. I won't promise it will be easy, because it isn't, but it is so worth it. I don't have that total obsession about food anymore.

    I would suggest giving yourself reasonable goals. Working out 3+ times a week for 30 minutes. (If you do more, great, you're a superstar!) Eating 1200 calories a day and giving yourself a cheat day once a week. Maybe you want to eat cake and ice-cream, or maybe you don't want to eat much of anything one day. I don't think there is anything wrong with that, especially when you are trying to pull yourself out of something like that. If you screw up, it's ok, we all do. Don't beat yourself up. The problem we have with eating disorders is our mind is so focused on food and we can't shut it up. The best thing I have learned about guilt and screwing up with food is to just start over right where I am. I tell myself one screw up or one meal isn't going to change my weight, it's the ongoing behavior that does.

    I hope that you continue to be good and speak good to yourself, because it's just your head talking you into thinking you're not good enough, which is obviously a lie. You are good enough, you are worth it and you don't deserve to have your life run by this obsession/disease.

    I have an ear if you need one and I will never judge.

    so im very glad I found this post because I believe I am living with an eating disorder at this time. In june 2011 I weighed 310 pounds now I am down to 175 but I have found I obesses over my foods all the time. I am constently thinking about what Ive ate when I will eat how much I will eat. Here lately my daughter has had a very extended hospital stay which means my foods aren't great at all like just junk and I hardly have the opportunity to workout. I weigh myself probably 5 or 6 times a day. When Im home in my normal schedule I try to eat 1200 cals a day and I workout everyday. I try to eat back my workout cals but sometimes don't succeed. It just consumes me. I get extremely high anxiety about it and I have purged in the past because my guilt is so terrible. Im not sure where to turn really
  • pixeltune
    pixeltune Posts: 4
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    All I can say is to take one day at a time. Find someone you feel comfortable with to talk about it. My boyfriend said that if I reach my weight loss goal without hurting myself, he would take me on a weekend trip. It has really helped me to not purposefully skip meals!
  • MrsFowler1069
    MrsFowler1069 Posts: 657 Member
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    Reading a similar post last night made me think that there isn't a lot of difference between someone who eats very little and someone who eats too much. Both are "eating disorders" of a sort - an unhealthy relationship with food and flawed thinking / emotional responses that are manifested in detrimental ways.

    I was at least 348 pounds when I started this. It wasn't just because I ate an occasional cheeseburger too many - it was because my thinking and responses to things were unhealthy and my overeating was a symptom of all of that. While you would undereat and feel guilty, I (and many others here) would overeat and feel guilty. While you struggle not to exercise too much, I didn't exercise at all and am struggling to get into a good routine, too - both are out of balance.

    We aren't that much different, really. We're identifying unhealthy patterns and beginning to replace them with healthier ones. We're finding a support system, educating ourselves, challenging established but flawed thinking and behaviors. We both have tools and information available. We are both making progress. We are both worth it.

    We can do this. Don't give up. I'll be seeing you around.
  • LumpySpacePrincess1
    LumpySpacePrincess1 Posts: 388 Member
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    Been there. The more you eat the easier it gets. When I started eating properly again even picking up a slice of bread made me panic with guilt.
    I had to just keep on going. Keep a diary tracking your progress. I re-read mine a couple of years ago and the thoughts I had of myself were so disgusting I had to burn it.
  • breanazank
    breanazank Posts: 44
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    I empathize with you; I battled anorexia since middle school -- I finally got better after going to 3 treatment centers and therapy. Don't get me wrong, I still struggle tremendously. But now I can determine and distinguish what is my disorder and what is reality.
    You will slip up every now and then, and that's OK. You are human, after all. But talk about it; write it down, go to meetings/therapy, console in a friend/family member. It will get better. Unfortunately, unlike drugs and alcohol, you can't just "not use or pick up". We have to eat to survive, which makes this disorder particularly challenging.

    I've met so many strong, beautiful women (and men!) throughout my journeys with eating disorders. And I have to admit that they are all the most smart, funny, and genuine people I have ever come across. Don't sell yourself short; you will get through this.

    If you ever need someone to chat with, message me! I'm looking for a new friend as well :)

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