i gained 20Lb my initial wait while i was gone

I really understand exactly what you're talking about. I have had this battle my whole life. I am in my 50's now and as I look back, I wished that I beat this addiction earlier in my life when it was easier for my young body to let go of weight. It gets so much harder to lose as you age. One thing I did, I got good therapy that helped me deal with what was eating me. One thing though, the longer you reinforce bad habits, the harder it is to overcome them. Harder, but not impossible. The battle is truly just in our heads isn't it? So don't give up. Keep trying. One of my pitfalls was feeling like I had to lose it quickly. I had an all or nothing mentality which really worked against me. So I was either losing or gaining. Never maintaining weight loss. I was up or I was down. Moderation in all things is really a good way to live. Don't starve yourself, do a calorie level that you can stick with. I also kept waiting for some gestalt, some magical feeling that would make me enjoy moderating my caloric intake. I'm 54 and that still hasn't hit me. At one point I just told myself, you are really never going to want to stop overeating, so you just need to stop because it's killing you. I started this last push just knowing that I'm diabetic now, and it won't get any better if I don't change my habits. It may never be fun to limit what I eat, but I just have to do it. It's also good to lose it while you still have elasticity in your skin. So, all of this was to say, don't give up! Ok you gained some weight. It's ok. That was a practice and you get do overs. Be well.

I used to tell therapists, and various support group people that I didn't think my issues were at a clinical level. Biggest thing I believe now is that everyone can benefit from such therapy/talk time and processing. Just because insurance company's and aspects of the american culture want to stigmatize therapy, or make it that only 'serious' things are worth treating, doesn't mean getting help isn't a positive thing.
I really am grateful for finding the Mankind Project (they're online now at mkp . org, though I found it face-face a while almost 13 years ago), which is a great organization with a lot of amazing men in it who helped and continue to help me become more of the man I want to be in the world. I am generally happy with my life, but I still devote time, 3 hours, every other week to ongoing shadow work. One of the best parts of my life really. Not easy, and at times, I don't want to go, but I choose to do it because I want to be a better person in this world, and because I am grateful for the opportunity.

I concur that eating a bit less doesn't really have an aha moment. Closest thing for me is exercising. When I exercise/play a sport that I enjoy, I generally go home wanting to be better at it next time. That's a big motivator for me to eat better and to fuel my body for healthy improvement. I'm 34, and didn't do much for competitive sports when younger, that is I wasn't ever particularly good at them, but it's fun to work at them, and then *magically* I don't have to go to the gym! That's one of my favorite parts. Some days, I'm sore, and I don't need to exercise those days either.

That you are making an effort says something positive about you, that you have courage to face the issue, and you wouldn't have that courage if deep down you didn't have the strength to take steps along the way as well.