Am I disgusting?

sophisli
sophisli Posts: 41 Member
in Motivation and Support
I have a male coworker who I have good chemistry with. We get along so well that people often joke about us being buddies or acting like bickering siblings. Our banter is light and I love being around him.

However, when he's physically close to me he looks uncomfortable. He shies away from sitting next to me and when he's forced to (because it's the last empty seat) he will make a comment about it along the lines of "Well, I might as well sit here." When I accidentally bump into him, he reacts by getting as far away from me as possible.

In my mind, he's probably being extra cautious not to give me any "wrong ideas." He has a long-term live-in girlfriend (I consider him married to this woman), although I am single.

I have a long, painful, and arduous history of rejection from men and I have had to work so incredibly hard not to think that people find me disgusting. I think, in general, people think I'm deplorable and for most of my life I have felt invisible. For the record I am 5'4, 198lbs (as of today), and have never been asked out. I have never had a boyfriend either.

To give you an idea of what my life is like, last year Male Coworker A made a joke about me and Male Coworker B (not the guy in question) in a romantic sense. Male Coworker B reacted by saying, "Ewww, eww, never gonna happen!"

That event is lodged painfully in my heart with all of the other arrows and every year that passes I become less hopeful that I will ever marry anyone.

To make matters more confusing, I have had the opposite experience with women. Women have referred to be as "very attractive" and "hot" and I even get complimented on the streets by strange women. But men think I'm radioactive. Story of my life.

I am a grown woman and I have made strides in improving my sense of self, self-worth, and self-esteem. I work so hard not to hate myself. I am working my butt off to get healthy and be proud of my physique. But I always take 50 steps back when these things happen to me.

I have always felt that being fat made me disgusting to others. Am I?

And what is going on with this guy?

I would love to hear from the men on this forum but I welcome any insight.

Thanks for reading.

Replies

  • CWonder003
    CWonder003 Posts: 29 Member
    If you get along with this coworker in general, and you enjoy banter/bickering in fun, I would say he is probably a little cautious of giving you - or others - the wrong idea. Namely, that he is into you, and not his significant other. If you are not as open and friendly with everyone else for fear of being judged, it may appear you have a crush on him, or just that you are getting too close.

    As far as the "may as well sit here" comments and such, it could be that he is taking care not to look like he wants to spend all his time with you. Again, so as not to give you/others the idea he is into you when he is in a relationship already.

    Try not to associate those feelings of judgement with your coworker just because of what other jerks have said/done.
  • ostrichagain
    ostrichagain Posts: 271 Member
    I agree with CWonder. As far as the other guys behavior . . . You also need to take into consideration the fact that many men just mature slower than women (and some just never do). It was a really immature and incredibly rude thing to say. Don't let HIS issue sabotage your self-worth. Especially since you obviously have so much going for you!! Believe the people who care about you and ignore random yahoos who clearly don't. Focus on the good things.
  • sarahrbraun
    sarahrbraun Posts: 2,261 Member
    I have a male coworker who I have good chemistry with. We get along so well that people often joke about us being buddies or acting like bickering siblings. Our banter is light and I love being around him.

    However, when he's physically close to me he looks uncomfortable. He shies away from sitting next to me and when he's forced to (because it's the last empty seat) he will make a comment about it along the lines of "Well, I might as well sit here." When I accidentally bump into him, he reacts by getting as far away from me as possible.

    In my mind, he's probably being extra cautious not to give me any "wrong ideas." He has a long-term live-in girlfriend (I consider him married to this woman), although I am single.

    I have a long, painful, and arduous history of rejection from men and I have had to work so incredibly hard not to think that people find me disgusting. I think, in general, people think I'm deplorable and for most of my life I have felt invisible. For the record I am 5'4, 198lbs (as of today), and have never been asked out. I have never had a boyfriend either.

    To give you an idea of what my life is like, last year Male Coworker A made a joke about me and Male Coworker B (not the guy in question) in a romantic sense. Male Coworker B reacted by saying, "Ewww, eww, never gonna happen!"

    That event is lodged painfully in my heart with all of the other arrows and every year that passes I become less hopeful that I will ever marry anyone.

    To make matters more confusing, I have had the opposite experience with women. Women have referred to be as "very attractive" and "hot" and I even get complimented on the streets by strange women. But men think I'm radioactive. Story of my life.

    I am a grown woman and I have made strides in improving my sense of self, self-worth, and self-esteem. I work so hard not to hate myself. I am working my butt off to get healthy and be proud of my physique. But I always take 50 steps back when these things happen to me.

    I have always felt that being fat made me disgusting to others. Am I?

    And what is going on with this guy?

    I would love to hear from the men on this forum but I welcome any insight.

    Thanks for reading.

    I honestly don't think he is disgusted by you. I think you are right, and he is just trying to make sure that no one gets the wrong idea about the relationship you have .

    I am in my late 30s, and married. I have 2 male friends ( one single, one married) who are in their mid 20s. I am very close and comfortable with the one who is single. When he was my trainer, he was very careful to never have physical contact with me, or talk about anything too personal. But people could still see that we had a pretty tight connection.
  • 5ftnFun
    5ftnFun Posts: 948 Member
    Sounds like your self esteem or self confidence has really taken a beating over the years. I hope that you can find a way to feel better about yourself whether you lose the weight or don't lose the weight. It appears you have run into some real *kitten* in your lifetime.

    The thing with your co-worker, however, sounds like he does NOT find you disgusting, but rather, he's trying to establish a boundary of sorts. He is in a long term relationship and apparently does not want to give you or others the wrong impression of your relationship. You say you "love being around him". Do you have a crush on him? If so, you may be acting differently with him than you do with your other male co-workers. Again, his distancing himself from you physically is a signal of "not that close".

    Don't confuse his behavior, that is establishing a boundary, with him finding you disgusting. I bet he doesn't not one bit.
  • sophisli
    sophisli Posts: 41 Member
    Thanks all. It helps to know he doesn't necessarily find me disgusting and I'm just reacting out of past hurts.
  • mmipanda
    mmipanda Posts: 351 Member
    also you're not disgusting. When i was just under 200lbs I looked really 'fat' - you carry your weight well.
  • AndyBloot
    AndyBloot Posts: 31
    i can pretty much guarantee he doesn't find you disgusting (bad term) or even unattractive
    Or he would have nothing to do with you at all

    you could pretty much read his reactions any way you want
    But if I were the guy in question it would be about not leading you on

    If i 'connect' with a female i let them know early on I'm married (I don't wear a ring)
    And I mention my wife a few times and talk about her in general etc
    Life is complicated enough without office romances + I love my wife and would do nothing to hurt her
    That is not to say I don't enjoy a little flirt from time to time - but it's harmless and I set the boundaries early
    If I were reading something into this, that would be my guess

    So as you can see from my response, other people's behavior is generally always about them and nothing to do with you
  • snazzyjazzy21
    snazzyjazzy21 Posts: 1,298 Member

    So as you can see from my response, other people's behavior is generally always about them and nothing to do with you

    ^^^ That was lovely
  • darla499
    darla499 Posts: 402 Member
    I think you're on the right track about the relationship with the guy. You get along well, coworkers tease you about it and make comments about it. He (as would I in the same situation with a coworker) is setting some boundaries so the relationship can't be misconstrued. He's in a long-term relationship. He's SUPPOSED to not get too physically close to another woman anywhere, and especially at work where it's supposed to be a professional setting.

    So I think he's just looking out that you don't get mixed signals and looking out for himself too. Rumors spread quickly and he's making sure that he's not giving the gossip mongers fuel for that.

    I understand your issues of low self-esteem and self-worth. I deal with the same thing. But those are our issues. I seek help for that. I go to weekly therapy. It works. You might want to consider doing the same thing. It's a process. Our negative self-talk is not healthy, it's destructive and can be paralyzing if left untreated.

    You're taking positive steps here and I'm sure that will help your sense of accomplishment, thus self-worth as well. Congratulations! Keep up the good work!

    As far as being unmarried ... don't trip! You're 29. I've found that when we don't actively seek a relationship ... that's when they just happen. When we're not trying. And when we work on ourselves and get healthier, we attract healthier people ... so waiting is in your best interests :smile:

    Hang in there girl ... you're on the right track. And don't hold all those negative thoughts in your self. Talk about it, vent about it. Get it OUTSIDE of you instead of festering in your own mind.

    And no. You're not disgusting. You're a creation of a Higher Power who made you unique with your own gifts. Learn to appreciate that.

    Good luck!
  • Darkaller
    Darkaller Posts: 317 Member
    I have a male coworker who I have good chemistry with. We get along so well that people often joke about us being buddies or acting like bickering siblings. Our banter is light and I love being around him.

    However, when he's physically close to me he looks uncomfortable. He shies away from sitting next to me and when he's forced to (because it's the last empty seat) he will make a comment about it along the lines of "Well, I might as well sit here." When I accidentally bump into him, he reacts by getting as far away from me as possible.

    I have the same type of relationship at work with a male co-worker and its just him setting boundaries. It's wonderful and fun but it's best to set that a hard line when it comes to flirting. I can banter from sun up to sun down and sometimes I read into it something that is not there and I think it has run the other way too. I would rather someone set a obvious line when it comes to flirting then me questioning their motives constantly.

    Also, are you sure when he makes the comment about sitting next to you he isn't bantering. I can be extremely sarcastic when I am bantering which can seem harsh or hateful (especially if I am comfortable with them). I usually double check after that they understand I didn't mean it maliciously but if they give me the all clear I will just continue. It may be he thinks he is being funny sarcastic but he is just hurting your feelings. It is a really fine line to be sarcastic with people you just know at work because you often don't know their tiggers like a close friend. Something that is lighthearted to one person can be one of the most callous things to another. I know because I called a co-worker a dork a couple of times and he asked why I kept calling him that. I told him I didn't mean it cruelly but he seemed upset that I called him that. (I am a self proclaimed dork btw. It has absolutely no negative meaning to me.) I apologized to him and stopped all my sarcasm around him after that.
  • sophisli
    sophisli Posts: 41 Member
    Thanks all for the insight and kind words. It's helpful to know I am "projecting" my junk onto his behaviors and they don't mean I am gross. :smile:
  • brraanndi
    brraanndi Posts: 325 Member
    Why are you worried about if a guy in a long term committed relationship is acting physically attracted to you or no?

    Sounds like you have a crush and he's trying to not to give the wrong idea.
  • whierd
    whierd Posts: 14,025 Member
    Physically your body isn't bad. So no, you're not disgusting.
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    I agree with the other posters that it's probably more a case of him setting boundaries and not wanting to end up being idle office gossip fodder. I have a male co worker I get on very well with and this has been commented on in the past. This has never been stated as an issue; more just people stating how they know we get on well. In my case it's generally been me whose turned it into a "back off" retort to them. As although yes it's great to have a work husband/wife I'm not about to get my reputation trashed through it.

    As for meeting someone yourself it's something you have to open up to, and maybe doing the approaching rather than waiting for a man to come along and ask might be an idea? There is nothing wrong with approaching/chatting/flirting with men when your single & most actually welcome it. My last 2 relationships I was the one to hit on them as lets face it I don't have all day to stand around waiting on a bloke faffing around :wink:

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