Same battle/new war

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chosenusernametaken
chosenusernametaken Posts: 20
in Introduce Yourself
Food is my drug of choice. It's rare that my overeating has anything to do with hunger - more likely sadness, frustration, anger, helplessness or feeling out of control. I'm currently spiraling out of control and need to refocus my efforts. BIG TIME. I started the slowly creeping weight gain around the holidays - and I quit smoking on May 5th - which has shifted that slow creep right into warp speed. From my goal weight to now, I'm up 48 pounds. Hard to type that. Hard to read that. Hard to accept that. But that is the number. 48. 48. 48. Let that sink in for a bit. In the meantime, how about my back story...

My now 13 year old son could have drowned when he was 2 because I was too fat and too out of shape to do anything about it. Toddling right into that pond, but his gargantuan mom was too fat to do a damned thing about it. Imagine having to stop and catch your breath while your baby is walking right into a pond. I had to sit down! Again, so it sinks in... I had to SIT DOWN while my kid was toddling toward certain death because I was too fat and out of breath to save him. But, we were at a pee-wee football practice, so there were others who were able to run to save my son - and bring him back to me, as I sat on the grown unable to speak because I was so entirely out of breath. So not only did I have to face the unacceptable truth - that my bad habits had caused me to be so fat that had I been alone, my son would have drown - but I had to have this whole scene play out in front of half of the county's 6-12 year old kids and their parents. As grateful as I was that they were there - I was utterly humiliated. They all saw exactly what happened. Sure they said things such as, "That little rascal! He's quick! Got down there to that pond fast as a race car!" But they knew and I was so ashamed of the mother I had become because of my horrible addiction.

So I made an appointment with a gastric bypass surgeon and I went to my first group meeting. I sat there, at the age of 23, hearing these women who were at minimum 10 years older than I was, listening to their stories, listening to the therapist telling us that there was a possibility of gaining the weight back... And I left before the session was over. I had to give healthy eating and exercise one more try. So at well over 300 pounds, I joined a weight loss place that had these toning tables, and gave you custom tailored diet plans. I lost a lot of weight, and then I hit a plateau. And when I couldn't move beyond the plateau, the owner suggested I try a real gym, and take my fitness training to the next level. And I did. And I lost a lot more weight. A lot. And I kept it off for a long time.

Then my life changed dramatically, and I found out I was pregnant. (Huge shocker given the rounds of IUI to have the now 13 year old.) Oh yeah, also huge shocker as I was single - and had broken up with the guy I had been dating because I just couldn't see a future with him. I had divorced my son's father and loved the lives my son and I had created - and this threw me for quite a loop. Don't get me wrong - I was really happy that I had my "surprise" pregnancy given that my high dollar reproductive endocrinologist said it wasn't possible - but this wasn't in the plans. Have I mentioned that I'm a control freak? Anywho - I fell off the healthy living wagon right into a big ol' gravy boat and ate my way out. I quit looking at the scale when I had packed on 90 pounds, which was at the 8 month mark. I had a love affair with double cheeseburgers and spicy EVERYTHING. When my baby boy was born at a whopping 7lbs, 1.8 ounces, I was a little disappointed that he wasn't weighing in at nearer to 20 lbs. Surely there were at least three more babies up in there. How could I not have AT LEAST 40 pounds worth of babies??

So I refocused and lost the weight. It took a while, but it came off eventually. And at long last... many, many years after having started my journey - during the summer of 2011, I finally hit my "ultimate goal weight" of 140 -my high school freshman weight. My 'never gonna see it but it's my dream, right?' weight. The impossible dream. Oddly enough, back when I was a high school freshman, weighing in at 140 - I felt like a SEA COW. But grown woman 140 felt like a dream!

I was able to maintain that for a long time, but sometime around the fall/early winter of 2012, I started to struggle with willpower badly. And I've been picking up weight steadily since then. And like I mentioned above, I quit smoking on May 5th and I've been packing on pounds like they're attracted to me magnetically.

I know what works - I know what to do... but I am struggling with motivation more at this very moment, than I have since before my son nearly toddled into that pond... I am spiraling out of control and feel helpless to stop myself. I can see a 300 plus pound future ahead of me again, and I feel like I can't find the breaks.

How do you go into battle with that same old enemy for the umpteenth time - knowing just how vicious the enemy is - without the motivation to even pick up the sword? How do you go into battle without the energy to step onto the battlefield? How do you face down the monster without the motivation to start?

I hope this community/app/accountability helps me find it.

Replies

  • vlland
    vlland Posts: 55 Member
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    First- I'ld like to say- I like ur username :) I enjoyed reading ur story because I have many of the same issues with food. I have no concept of eating to feed my hungry body - I eat to improve my mood. I have no self control at times and yet I am a control freak in most every other area of my life. I have dieted and been ashamed of my weight since my early teens (im now 48). I never got over 200lbs (highest was 199) but to me it doesn't really matter because even being 20lbs overweight does not make u feel good about ur body. over the yrs ive gained and lost repeatedly. I am a smoker and have quit many times (this summer for a month and a half after appendectomy surgery) and I have gained weight each time. i'm currently smoking again but would like to quit. About 5 years ago I lost weight -after being divorced for 4 yrs and then meeting a new man I really liked. I got down to 118 (eventually went back up to 125 and stayed there for about 4 yrs) I finally felt good about myself and bought all new clothes. that relationship ended 2 and 1/2 yrs later. I am in a new relationship (for about a year and a 1/2) and some of the weight has crept back on. none of my old diet "tricks" work now. I eat healthy for awhile and lose maybe a pound then I get out of control and overeat and gain it back. I only need to lose about 20lbs but I just cant. none of my clothes fit and its so depressing. ive been on this site for over a month but really haven't sought out friends. I think if I had, I may be more accountable. So... if u want - feel free to add me as a friend and maybe we can encourage each other.
  • trogalicious
    trogalicious Posts: 4,583 Member
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    How do you go into battle with that same old enemy for the umpteenth time - knowing just how vicious the enemy is - without the motivation to even pick up the sword?
    You just do. If you aren't even motivated enough, none of us are going to be able to change that.

    How do you go into battle without the energy to step onto the battlefield?
    You either do or you don't. Read back over your own story. If you aren't motivated to change, we can't make you.
    How do you face down the monster without the motivation to start?

    Again...


    same.... answer.... again.


    Best of luck, but this community can't make you want it bad enough. Right now, I see a bunch of excuses. You can do one of two things at this point. You can change because you think you deserve better, or you can come up with more war-stories about how you never went to battle.
  • chosenusernametaken
    chosenusernametaken Posts: 20
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    How do you go into battle with that same old enemy for the umpteenth time - knowing just how vicious the enemy is - without the motivation to even pick up the sword?
    You just do. If you aren't even motivated enough, none of us are going to be able to change that.

    How do you go into battle without the energy to step onto the battlefield?
    You either do or you don't. Read back over your own story. If you aren't motivated to change, we can't make you.
    How do you face down the monster without the motivation to start?

    Again...


    same.... answer.... again.


    Best of luck, but this community can't make you want it bad enough. Right now, I see a bunch of excuses. You can do one of two things at this point. You can change because you think you deserve better, or you can come up with more war-stories about how you never went to battle.


    Well aren't you just a big bag of encouragement!? Since it appears much of my introductory post was lost on you, I'll break it down a little more elementary. First, you don't lose 200 pounds having never gone into battle. That's a life-long war. Your comment, "come up with more war-stories" is considerably rude and an extremely offensive thing to say. My "war-story" about my challenges with weight is very personal and is a difficult thing to write out loud (that means to admit, even if in writing). For you insinuate that my "war stories" are not valid or important speaks to your character, not mine. The point of the post, again - my introductory post mind you - wasn't to beg the community to change me. If it were as simple as asking someone to change me, do you think I would have waited till I was 36 to do so? The point was to just write it out loud. Write out loud the ridiculous role that weight and diet and self-esteem issues have played in my life. The role that I've allowed them to play. The questions I asked - which you quoted, thank you - were rhetorical (that means I was asking them of myself, in this instance). The reason for the topic title "Same battle/new war" is because I would like to change my mindset about this war. I know this war - I've fought it my whole life. But I don't want to fight in it anymore. I want to turn the tables and re-define the war. I don't want to live in a cycle of reactionary dieting - I want to live on a path to healthy living. Again, I realize this is a tad subtle, but I didn't think it was entirely lost on whatever audience chose to read my, again - INTRODUCTIONARY - post.

    For someone who has lost 153 pounds - which is an incredible accomplishment - you seem to have a rather impatient and somewhat antagonistic response to someone who is just trying to let go of baggage. I would imagine that you have held on to a significant amount of your own baggage if you have been 153 pounds heavier than you are today. I remember how delighted I was when I was down 150+ and I remember how amazing it felt to be down over 200! And today, at 48 pounds heavier than my goal, I'm still down more weight than 153 pounds. I hope that you have receive more encouragement than you give when you fall off your wagon, and you will. We all do. Ask anyone who has lost twice their body mass. You'll stumble, and you'll fall back into bad habits - old habits that feel as familiar and as comfortable as your favorite well-worn hoodie on a cool fall evening. But you'll also remember just how good 153 pounds down feels and you'll be ready to drop the baggage. Baggage that you thought you had dealt with and have to admit that its still lingering on - and you'll pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get real again. And when you do - I hope you find the encouragement - not smart assed answers to rhetorical questions.

    Best of luck to you too.
  • trogalicious
    trogalicious Posts: 4,583 Member
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    Well aren't you just a big bag of encouragement!? Since it appears much of my introductory post was lost on you, I'll break it down a little more elementary.

    It wasn't lost on me. The fact is that you repeated.. multiple times.. about how you didn't know if you had it in you to even start. Everyone has their demons. I'm not antagonistic. The thing is, either you're going to do it or not. Once you decide and want help, there's a fantastic community here to give you sound advice.

    We don't need walls of "YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND ME!!!!" since I actually do understand where you're coming from. Just because my advice seemed to rub you the wrong way doesn't make it bad advice. Maybe just not the advice you care to take. Deal with whatever you need to deal with, however you decide to deal with it... but I'll echo what I said in my original reply since it's apt:

    Either you're going to do it, or your not. None of us here are going to be able to change your core views or be the spark to light your ignition.

    If you aren't motivated enough to make the change, we can't make you. Best of luck with it, though.
    I hope that you have receive more encouragement than you give when you fall off your wagon, and you will.

    Actually no, I haven't. I've change my lifestyle. I'm sorry that is apparently a concept that's foreign enough to assume that people will lose control?
  • vlland
    vlland Posts: 55 Member
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    Wow - great response chosennam. I think trogalicious was a bit harsh. We are all fighting a very hard battle. Motivating and encouraging words help more- especially when one is starting out on the long journey. Eventually the rewards will come on their own but for now we need to encourage one another. Society gives us enough negative feedback. This site is supposed to be helpful :)
  • GooooHeather
    GooooHeather Posts: 27
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    Baby steps...one foot in front of the other. You can do it!! :-D
  • aprilwilliams2729
    aprilwilliams2729 Posts: 107 Member
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    You can do it. I completely understand the overwhelmed feeling. I've lost the weight many times just to gain it back again. And regardless of what others might believe - sometimes a kind word from an anonymous internet friend is exactly what it takes to give you that last bit of motivation that helps you make it through the day. We all have those days when we want to give up - or even when we don't think we can get going. I have times I think I should just crawl back in bed and start again tomorrow. But you've got two wonderful reasons to fight this war! :)

    Don't give up on yourself!
  • slb573
    slb573 Posts: 18 Member
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    I want to congratulate you on quitting smoking, its really amazing and if you can do that you can do anything! But sadly quitting smoking isn't helping with the weigh I'm sure, slowing ur heart rate and making you actually taste food again :-p

    I'm sure you can do it again. Think about how great it will be when you'll be able to be there for your baby's wedding(in the far off future) and having the energy to things with ur child. Use your child for the motivation they need there mommy. They need you more then they will ever admit but if your able to incorporate them into your exercising you'll both benefit. (even if they are skinny but I'm guessing they aren't, being over weight tends to run in the family)

    I'm sure you can do it again. Add me as a friend if your wanting some. I have been there too.

    You can do it!
  • angdod
    angdod Posts: 2
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    Well I can COMPLETELY understand how you feel Chosen ... I recently lost 50+ LBS only to gain it back with the stress of my moms twin sister dying. It's like you just loose your will to care anymore because suddenly life doesn't seem to really matter anymore when someone is sick. However, you end up just going in a circle because you DO care and you know that your health is important, but then some how your back to just not caring ... and so the cycle begins.

    I've recently just started back to logging what I eat and it has helped me become a little more motivated. It's hard though to stay/keep motivated.

    @ trogalicious - you did come across as unfeeling, harsh, non-helpful and you may not have meant to. We all are at different legs of the weight battle journey. You have been fortunate in that you've been successful in keeping your weight off and also keeping your new life style. Rather then writing the way you wrote why not offer what has worked for you! What worked for you may work for someone else. I find it interesting to read what works for other and it helps to get me motivated. No, what you write or anyone else writes is NOT going to change someone's mindset; however, it might encourage them.

    I came to read this forum so that I too can receive encouragement and read what works or has worked for others. Chosen and anyone else feel free to message me ... we can become encouragement buddies :). WE all get feeling down and need people to talk to, vent to, or whatever. It's about helping each other fight the weight battle and GET THE VICTORY :)
  • trogalicious
    trogalicious Posts: 4,583 Member
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    @ trogalicious - you did come across as unfeeling, harsh, non-helpful and you may not have meant to. We all are at different legs of the weight battle journey. You have been fortunate in that you've been successful in keeping your weight off and also keeping your new life style. Rather then writing the way you wrote why not offer what has worked for you! What worked for you may work for someone else. I find it interesting to read what works for other and it helps to get me motivated. No, what you write or anyone else writes is NOT going to change someone's mindset; however, it might encourage them.
    had the op asked for tips and help, I wouldn't have hesitated. Not an instant. I spend 95% of my time off these forums offering advice to folks that ask for it and are ready to make a change. Feel free to go back through any number of my posts if you don't believe me. My original response wasn't intended to be harsh, but revealing. The op mentioned specifically that they didn't know if they had motivation to change.. or not. If and when they decide to, or want advice, that's a whole different ballgame. True?
  • camilleme73
    camilleme73 Posts: 22 Member
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    Hi :)
  • chosenusernametaken
    chosenusernametaken Posts: 20
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    Actually no, I haven't. I've change my lifestyle. I'm sorry that is apparently a concept that's foreign enough to assume that people will lose control?

    What you are stating here is that during your 153 pound weight loss, you have never fallen off the wagon? No slip-ups. No weak moments. You have NEVER fallen off the wagon!? And by default, you are also stating here that because you've made a lifestyle change, you never will fall off the wagon?

    If you think that I believe that, or think that anyone else will, you are delusional. Sadly, these delusions are going to make your fall that much harder. You might want to consider developing a plan aside from denial. You are not impervious. I have maintained a loss of 175 of the original 223 lost and have maintained that over the course of 5 plus years. That, sir, is a lifestyle change. I quit smoking - my last huge hurdle towards health and have subsequently packed on pounds faster than you can even imagine. Again, another LIFESTYLE change - one that has had unintended consequences, that I am dealing with. Don't you dare insinuate that any one of us who have fallen or have been weak are less worthy or valuable or deserve to have someone be tough with them. There's nothing you can say that's tougher than what we or I can and have said to myself. The questions posed were rhetorical, and reflective of the mental *kitten* kicking I give myself about my weight gain. I'm not sure how much clearer I can make this point to you.
    had the op asked for tips and help, I wouldn't have hesitated. Not an instant. I spend 95% of my time off these forums offering advice to folks that ask for it and are ready to make a change. Feel free to go back through any number of my posts if you don't believe me. My original response wasn't intended to be harsh, but revealing. The op mentioned specifically that they didn't know if they had motivation to change.. or not. If and when they decide to, or want advice, that's a whole different ballgame. True?

    Again, rhetorical questions. If you read the original post, you would recognize that the author, me, is bearing a bit of her soul, sharing some embarrassing but true facts and experiences. The tone and cadence of the post was meant to reflect that. Again, I am sorry it was lost on you.
  • chosenusernametaken
    chosenusernametaken Posts: 20
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    Thank you for the encouragement everyone.

    This thread experience has given me food for thought - perhaps a new thread or blog about exposures.
  • trogalicious
    trogalicious Posts: 4,583 Member
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    What you are stating here is that during your 153 pound weight loss, you have never fallen off the wagon? No slip-ups. No weak moments. You have NEVER fallen off the wagon!? And by default, you are also stating here that because you've made a lifestyle change, you never will fall off the wagon?

    Correct. See, I figured out how much I need to eat. I stick to that. I don't restrict anything or judge myself harshly. I'm sorry this is a concept that you're unwilling to accept, but that's on you. Apparently you're more willing to take your time and argue with me because I pointed out a glaring fact in your original post. I'd quote it again, but it wouldn't help. You're just in the mood to be mad at someone online for pointing out something you said... not judging you, mind you... just making an observation. Good luck with whatever you decide.

    Now, I know you're just sitting there, gritting your teeth about how I'm mean and don't understand.. and that's fine. If you wanted tips? Here. I'll post the wall that I put out there for most people that are trying to lose weight here. Do with this information what you will, but I'm done in this thread.

    1. don't trust the initial setup that MFP provides. If you put in the wrong/inaccurate information, it'll tell you to eat an amount that may not be applicable.
    2. Make sure you eat enough.
    3. Figure out what works for you and is sustainable/healthy/long term.
    4. avoid fads. don't buy in to any "Hey, try the twinkie and vodka diet"
    5. Don't cut out anything now that you don't plan on literally giving up forever.
    6. GET A FOOD SCALE. Weigh everything. No, seriously.
    7. Get an HRM with a chest strap. You'll at least have a better idea of what you're burning. It'll be more accurate than the generic info in the exercise database.. and even more than the cardio machines. This is great for steady state cardio (run/walk/etc)
    8. Don't go balls out. You'll burn out. I see 300 lb people show up here, instantly start working out and cutting their intake SEVERELY... trying to cut out all of their carbs at once.. whatever. Take it slow. Figure out how much you need to eat FIRST in order to lose.. then incorporate exercise.
    9. Don't cardio yourself to death.
    10. Take the information on the forums with a grain of salt. A lot of people that have been here for a while.. and have been successful, may seem jaded. They give out GREAT advice day after day, only to be met with people that refuse to listen.
    11. Eat real food. Not diet food. Not "low fat, sugar free, now without X." It's easier to get/find/count.
    12. don't set time restrictions.
    13. measure yourself weekly. Don't just weigh. Measure and take pictures.
    14 BE PATIENT.
    15. Avoid forum topics that have "1200" in the title. It's just full of butthurt. Lots of it.
    16. This isn't a game, it's about changing your lifestyle. Do that.

    pretty much that.

    ...and don't fall into the "1200 calorie" vertigo of suck because of:

    the typical MFP users does this:
    1. I wanna lose weight, let's try MFP.
    2. OH! Wow, it tells me I can lose 2 lbs a WEEK? AWESOME!
    3. I just sit at a desk when I'm not working out, I guess I'm sedentary.
    4. MFP tells them 1200 calories, and they don't even eat that.. then they work out on top of it.. creating an even bigger deficit.
    5. Lose a lot, fast, brag about 1200 calorie success.
    6. Come back in a few months trying to figure out why they're dizzy, tired, not losing weight.
    7. Get on the forums, ask why they aren't losing.
    8. Get two responses (I eat 1200 and lose) (I eat 2200 and lose)
    9. Argument ensues about who is right.

    Now. That being said. These threads happen hundreds of times per day. Most times, and I mean really.. seriously.. 95% of the time.. people get the 1200 number because they don't put the right information in when they set up the account. There are a great number of people that are trying to help. I'm one of 'em.

    I'm a hardcore advocate of actually finding out what works for the individual.. by means of other calculators, averages, time, practice, and patience.

    Blanket prescriptions of 1200 calories "because it worked for me" is more harmful to the generic new user than the "figure out what you need to eat." Unfortunately, one is a LOT easier to type.

    Find out what you need: http://scoobysworkshop.com/accurate-calorie-calculator/
    Take the tips, links, and info above and make the wagon you talked about falling of off more manageable to stay on.

    Good luck and Godspeed. Your fight isn't with me or this community. Stop projecting your issues on the folks that don't immediately coddle you.
  • commodus192
    commodus192 Posts: 18
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    It's a tough battle for sure, but maybe once you start to see and feel the difference of the little wins here and there, you can promote yourself to General and with the whole war. Everytime I'm in the grocery and walk past the deluge of things I love, it gets easier as time goes on. Each day, it gets better - and I think the fact you have shared so much about yourself shows you do have the energy to sharpen your sword - and start stabbing the old tapes and desires that have fueled that voice in your head to always say yes to the things that make you more comfortable. Just stick to your calorie goals for now, and slowly build up your cardio to the point you actually enjoy it....and you WILL see results.
  • TheFatGoesInRoom101
    TheFatGoesInRoom101 Posts: 5
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    I think many of us have been down this particular path. Losing weight is one thing but keeping it off is a whole different story and it has to become your lifestyle rather than just a temporary aim. It could mean completely rearranging your timetable to fit in exercise for example (I have started to get up super-early in the mornings to fit mine in and it seems to be working) but each person is different. I love food and always have but I am also lucky that I also love eating salads, fruit and veg and am not so keen on sweet stuff. This didn't stop me from creeping up to 252lbs after the birth of my first child in 1999 (I am 5ft 9inches tall), then losing weight on the (William) Hay Diet down to 168lbs, then putting on weight after the birth of number two son (to 224lbs) and then on WeightWatchers I went down to 136lbs (my lightest). Subsequently, then stress in my previous job led to comfort eating which left me once again back at 228lbs. I have now taken on MFP (after starting with WW again) and have become quite bloody minded about my weight loss programme, down to 192lbs and still losing. So it's been a "you win some, you lose some" battle over the past several years but what is motivating me now is the fact that I don't want to end up in a wheelchair with arthritic hips and knees. I can't avoid genetics but I can strengthen the muscles in my legs (I walk between 20 and 30 miles a week now, mostly before dawn) and lose the excess pounds (again). This time it's staying off - if you don't think that, you will never lose it. If I have a moment of weakness, I just have to think about my asthma, hips, knees, aching achilles tendon, all of which have rapidly improved since shedding pounds. I find the health reasons to be a bigger motivation than just "looking good in lycra" (although that's a lovely bonus - going back down the dress sizes again - yeah!)

    Stick with it and remember that this time that with perseverance and a positive attitude you won't just win the battle - you'll win the war!!
  • osothefinn
    osothefinn Posts: 163 Member
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    ] had the op asked for tips and help, I wouldn't have hesitated. Not an instant. I spend 95% of my time off these forums offering advice to folks that ask for it and are ready to make a change. Feel free to go back through any number of my posts if you don't believe me. My original response wasn't intended to be harsh, but revealing. The op mentioned specifically that they didn't know if they had motivation to change.. or not. If and when they decide to, or want advice, that's a whole different ballgame. True?

    Truth. Someone will change when they've hit rock bottom and they're ready to change. Honestly, I got to the shape I'm in because everyone in my life took the easy way out and coddled me. I think a bit more brutal honesty would have served me better.

    That said, my obesity is my problem, my fault, and mine to fix. No one else can do the work, put in the time, stick with the lifestyle changes forever but me.

    If you need help ask for it, but trying to stay motivated via other people is likely a losing proposition long term.

    Good luck and stick with it!
  • lewcompton
    lewcompton Posts: 881 Member
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    I have lost and regained weight before also... this time though I plan to be here for the next 50 years because this isn't a plan that ends or some crash diet... Its a tool to measure what I do on a daily basis... I'm Lew. Married, dad of two soon to be three... Down 185 in 14 months... Anyone is welcome to add me! Friend request being sent!
  • Briargrey
    Briargrey Posts: 498 Member
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    OP - Trog's pretty much right...it's up to you to decide you're doing it and doing it for real and good this time. I get that it came off harsher than you would have preferred, but it doesn't make it less true. We can be here for you and motivate you all you want, but it still has to ultimately come from you! Good look on your journey. I know you can do it, and I know you can keep it off. Just get a plan and stick to it come hell or high water :) [as a long-time fat person who has lost and regained, I get that it's easier said than done, but this time...this is it, it's sticking]

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